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On an alien world a trio of anthropomorphic adventurers look for treasure... |
| [Introduction]
WRITERS  BIG BAD WOLF is hopping  Twiga  Steev the Friction Wizurd CHARACTERS WOLF .... this bold canine is an expert with fists and guns CAT ..... this sneaky feline has velvet feet and quick fingers PIG ...... this fat porker is slow on his feet, but he can drive fast and carry a heavy load ALI B'NN ........ one of the original inhabitants of Planet Steamer, this Reptinoid says odd things COPORICOPAT ... this sabretooth Magi from Planet Jelicle is on Steamer to guard a portal SHADOW DANCER ... the Magi's small dragon assistant has a family back on EarthSTORY The Wonder Relic! Is it as wonderful as they say? Wolf and Cat intend to find out. After they land on Planet Steamer, they enlist their old friend Pig as a driver since he owns a 6-wheeled all-terrain camper vehicle named Betty that sleeps 3 easily. Best guess is The Wonder Relic is somewhere in Volcano Valley, a hideous part of Planet Steamer that is inhabited by fire-breathing dragons, little men with sharp teeth, the dreaded lava worms, and who knows what else. |
Betty was parked on a bluff overlooking Volcano Valley. Her six big wheels with their complicated suspension mechanism made her look like a gigantic insect. There was a driving cab in front and a big boxlike living section in the back. On top was an observation deck. Wolf leaned against the railing and pointed out over the valley. "See the big volcano over there that's smoking? Looks like the road goes around it. And it looks like a recent lava flow." Pig grunted. "No problem. These tires can take the heat. Anyway, Betty could run on her rims if she had to. What do you think, Cat? Shall we enter the Valley of Death?" Cat sighed. "I have nothing to worry about. Nine lives, remember?" Wolf snorted. "That's what you started with. You've used up eight of them, haven't you?" "Ha ha," Cat said. "Let's get this show on the road. The sooner we find the Wonder Relic, then the sooner I can get back to hot showers and soft silky sheets." Wolf and Pig looked at each other. Wolf said, "You're a spoiled brat, Cat." Cat didn't bother to reply, just smoothed down her jump suit. They were all dressed the same way in one-piece utility suits with lots of loops and pockets, but Wolf's was black, Pig's was orange, and Cat's was white. Pig climbed back into the driver's chair and Cat and Wolf took their places on either side of him. Betty was surprisingly quiet. Her small cold fusion power plant generated electricty for the six motors that drove the wheels. She went down the road into Volcano Valley raising a lot of dust but the only noise she made was a low hum and the sound of the tires slapping dirt. |
| Wolf had a few things on his mind. One was where was the Relic located at exactly. After all, one had to know these sort of things if they wanted to survive a treasure hunt. The other question was even more dangerous: What did Cat look like under her jumpsuit? She looked beautiful, but she was dangerous. More than a few men had found out the hard way that she wasn't some sweet little kitty, and had gone home with more than a few broken bones, if they went home at all. |
| Cat looked at her surroundings guessing that this would be a hostle world. Wolf took a look around some fire bushes. He sensed someone watching them from the shadows. Wolf spotted a silky shadow around the bushes...He pounced...The thing he had caught looked like some humanoid dinosaur alien... "Oh great wizard, don't harm me!" The Alien shrieked |
Wolf held the alien up for the others to see. "What is this thing?" "I'm not a thing," the alien said. "My name is Ali B'nn and I'm a Reptinoid." "I've heard of them," Pig said. "Reptinoids. They were like the native population of this planet until humans colonized it. I thought we killed off all of you by introducing strange diseases you weren't immune to?" "Some of us survived," Ali B'nn said, "and moved to Volcano Valley to guard the Wonder Relic from falling into human hands. Whoops! I think I said too much." Wolf and Pig exchanged glances. Wolf tightened his grip on Ali B'nn. "You realize you have to tell us where the Wonder Relic is if you want to live?" "Certainly," Ali B'nn said. "It's in a cave at the base of yonder volcano." Wolf looked where Ali was pointing. "OK, there is a cave there. I think maybe you better stick with us while we check it out. If you're wrong, you die. Want to change your story?" "No. I speak the truth. Go to the cave and find the Wonder Relic." "Wait a minute, boys," Cat said. "Doesn't this strike you as just a little too easy? What if it's a trap?" "So what can we do? We can't just ignore it. We have to check out that cave, don't we?" "I'm just saying let's be extremely careful and watch for an ambush." "Got it," Pig said. "All aboard and we'll boogie to the cave." |
| "Besides, I've got enough weapons to supply a small war or two," Wolf said. "How small?" Cat asked. "Let's just say that there is a reason that Betty is a little slow you know." |
Unbeknownst to our heroes but knownst to us, another species of Alien happened to be watching. His name was Coporicopat... a large feline centaur with sabre teeth and two tails. He is a Magi from planet Jelicle. He guards the Phoinix Gate that protects the known universe from hostile forces. "Milord," said Coporicopat's servant, an Anthropomorphic Dragon that the Alien had rescued as a baby from a slave ship, "Shall I take action now?" "Not yet, Shadow Dancer."The Feline said. "From what I've heard, these fools are only looking for the wonder relic... If we're lucky they may walk right past the Phoinix Gate without giving it a second thought!" "What is the Wonder Relic?" Shadow Dancer asked "I don't know, really. That info is not privvy to my kin... But if the Reptinoid is leading them to a trap, then it be none of our business." "You said they were from Earth," Said the Dragon. "Do you think they knew my family?" "I don't know, Dear Heart," Coporicopat said, "but I seriously doubt that." |
Shadow Dancer continued to quietly watch as the big six-wheeled vehicle made its way through the valley. From his perch high on a rock pedestal, he had a good view of everything. Coporicopat might be correct that it was none of Coporicopat's business what the humans did, but Shadow Dancer felt it might be some of his business. If these adventurers came from Earth then maybe they could tell him more about Earth. Maybe they even knew his family! No, that was probably too much to hope for. "Life forms above us," Pig said. "On that rock pedestal over there." Wolf looked through his binoculars to confirm what Betty's scanners had indicated. "Yes, I see them. A large sabretooth and a small dragon." "Do you think they are part of the trap?" Cat said. "They could be lookouts." "We don't even know there is a trap. Why do you have to be so pessimistic?" "Just exercising caution, Wolfie. It's something you could use more of." "I can hear you," Ali B'nn said. Wolf put the binoculars down. "So what? If it's a trap we kill you first. Got it?" "Yes, but it's not a trap. We would be happy for you to have the Wonder Relic." Pig used one of his big fingers to poke Ali B'nn's chest. "Listen up, strange little reptile. Everything you say sounds odd. What are you up to? If you guys wanted to get rid of the Wonder Relic then why didn't you just sell it to somebody, huh?" "Money means nothing to us," Ali said. "There you go saying something weird again," Pig said. "If you're scamming us I'll make myself a belt out of your hide." |
| "I seem to remember a realy old Earth saying," Wolf said. "And just what would that be?" Cat asked. "Beware the Hun in the Sun. It was from an old war and it was when aircraft were first being used. The one side would use the Sun to hide from the other and launch sneak attacks. Wouldn't be surprised if this guy's friends tried something similar." |
As the three adventurers began to enter the cave, Coporicopat began to use black mud to draw tribal markings on his Charge's face "Remember, Shadow Dancer." Said the older alien "When you have these markings on your face you can summon the nature spirits." |
It was a large cave, twice as tall as Betty, and there was plenty of room to maneuver, but after several hundred yards it got smaller and Pig stopped the vehicle. "Where is the Wonder Relic?" Wolf said. Ali B'nn pointed with a skinny finger. "It's that way, further in the cave. Now we must walk. Your vehicle is too big." Wolf began briskly issuing commands. "I'll go with Ali. Cat, you and Pig stay here. Better turn Betty around so she'll be pointing out. Radio check." Cat spoke into her wrist, "Radio check." Satisfied that they were all in communication, Wolf followed Ali B'nn deeper into the cave. The rock walls were dark grey and sparkling with tiny crystals. There was a curious lack of stalagmites or stalactites, indicating that the cave was formed recently. "How did this cave get here?" Wolf said. Ali B'nn shrugged. "I don't know. It has always been here for me. Some say the Old Ones built it. Some say the volcano blew a hole in its wall with hot gasses." "Did you hear that?" Wolf said to his wrist. "Yes," Cat replied. "The two lifeforms we spotted earlier have moved. The small dragon is approaching the cave." "Keep me informed," Wolf said to Cat, then to Ali, "Do you know anything about a little dragon and a big sabretooth?" "Guardians of the Phoinix Gate," Ali said. "They will not bother you." "Then why is the dragon approaching the cave?" "Please, Great Wizard, I do not know why every creature in Volcano Valley does what it does." |
| "I've heard something like that before," Wolf muttered. "A fight erupted because of a foolish guide's translation. The guide didn't make it." |
| Coporicopat had stated that he had no interest in the Earthlings...But that had only been a half-truth... He found deep fasination with Cat...Charmed by her feline grace and beauty he wanted to meet her. |
"We are almost there, Great Wizard," Ali B'nn said. "What's with the Great Wizard tag?" Wolf said. "Do you think I have magic powers?" "You have a gun, Great Wizard. That is as good as magic, I think." Wolf spoke into his radio. "What's happening, Cat?" "The little dragon is here. His name is Shadow Dancer. He just wanted to ask some questions about Earth. Seems he thinks I might know his family." Wolf chuckled. "Not likely, is it? You don't even know your own family." "Wolfie! Be nice. Have you reached the Relic yet?" "No... wait. Ali B'nn says we are very close now. Just have to pass through this narrow space. He's pointing... Holy Moly! There it is! It ... ..." "Wolf? ... Are you OK? ... WOLF!" Cat looked at Pig. "I've lost contact with him." "Maybe he's just too deep in the rocks for the radio." "I don't know. He was trying to tell me something when he was suddenly cut off. I'm worried." Pig was watching the scanner. "I think the big sabretooth is coming to join his little buddy." "His name is Coporicopat," Shadow Dancer said. "He is my master." |
| "In that case, is he friendly, or does he need a bullet in his head?" Pig asked "Oh he's friendly," Shadow Dancer said. "Then again, you have trouble killing him." |
| Cat and Pig held their ground as the Feline Alien approched them "My Name is Corporicopat." Said the Big Alien "I mean you no harm." "OK...." Pig said not really believing for a second But Cat felt differnt in her mind the Alien did speak the truth |
Coporicopat walked around Cat, sniffing her and looking her all over. "Um..." Cat said. "Is there a problem?" "You are like me," Coporicopat said. "If you mean feline, then yes," Cat said. "But where I come from it's not considered polite to walk around people sniffing them." Coporicopat did not reply. He just sat back on his huge haunches and stared at Cat with his big grey eyes. His two tails flicked against the floor of the cave. "We are busy right now," Cat said. "My partner is lost in the cave, so excuse me if I ignore you for a while." "Your partner? You are mated then?" "No, it's not exactly like that." Cat had a sudden fear that the big sabretooth might try to fight Wolf in some kind of battle to possess her. "But don't get any ideas in your head. I do not mate. Not with anybody. Don't even think about it." "You assume much," Coporicopat said. "I am a Jelicle Magi. I can have any mate I want on Jelicle. But I am on temporary assignment here to guard the Phoinix Gate for a year. Then I return to Jelicle." "What is the Phoinix Gate?" "It is a dimensional portal that leads from this world to Jelicle. We want no strangers using it and suddenly turning up unannounced on Jelicle." "Don't worry about us. Our business is here on Planet Steamer. We have no intention of going to Jelicle. Unless... Say, that Phoinix Gate is not in this cave, is it?" "No, your friend did not go through the Gate if that's what you are thinking." Pig spoke up. "Cat, what should we do about Wolf? These two here don't seem to be a threat." "I will go with you to search for him," Shadow Dancer said. Then he quickly looked up at Coporicopat. "If it is alright with my master." "Yes," Coporicopat said. "Go with her and look. I will stay here and wait for you. Remember that you have the tribal markings and can summon the nature spirits." "Yes, I know. How can I forget when my face itches so much?" Cat and Shadow Dancer followed the footprints of Wolf and Ali B'nn deeper into the cave while Pig and Coporicopat waited for them. |
| "So tell me," Coporicopat said. "What is life on Earth like?" "Depends on where you live," Pig said. "Some people have everything, others have nothing. Some are able to buy what they want, and others have to steal to survive. Then there are those who do things just because they want to." "And what about you and your friends?" "We're somewhere in the middle." "How long have you and your friends been together?" "Long enough that we'd fight, and kill, for each other. Also, I have the feeling that Wolf would like to get Cat into his bed, but he won't try anything she doesn't want." "And why's that?" "The last guy who tried to force himself on Cat lost his head, and I don't mean the one on his shoulders." "You mean the guy lost his reproductive organs?" "Oh yeah. Then she broke his legs and arms, and tossed him out of a two-story window. I don't think he'll be waking up any time soon." |
"I like a strong female," Coporicopat said. "It makes the conquest of them that much sweeter - a true victory." Cat and Shadow Dancer followed Wolf's footprints until they came to where the cave narrowed down to a slit. "They must have had to really squeeze themselves down to get through this narrow place," Cat said. "I don't see how Wolf did it." "I don't see how I can do it," Shadow Dancer said. "What about those Nature Spirits?" Cat said. "Can they help you?" "I'll try." Shadow Dancer closed his eyes and unfolded his small wings. The tribal markings on his face began to glow. "Oh Spirit of the Rock!" he called. "Make this gap wider please! I beg you in the name of Amon Re Tamu, the One Who Made All!" There was a creaking noise, then the grate of stone against stone, and suddenly the gap was wide enough for both of them to pass through it. |
| Meanwhile, Wolf found himself pacing back and forth in a small cell that was surrounded on all sides by rock. I should of known that the relic would be booby trapped, he thought. And I was the booby that fell for it. If I see that snake again I'm going to wring his scrawny little neck. |
| Shadow Dancer summoned the spirit of shadows...who can go anywhere and see and hear everything. "Shadow Spirit." Said the Dragon "Find the one called 'Wolf' The Spirit saluted and whisked itself away "Shadow Dancer..." Cat began to say |
But already the Shadow Spirit had returned. "I have found him." "So quick?" Cat said. "Where is he?" "He is standing about 100 steps from here in that direction." "What?!" Cat said. "Let's go!" As she and Shadow Dancer went to where the Shadow Spirit had pointed, Cat spoke into her radio. "Pig! Can you hear me?" "Yes," Pig said. "What's the word?" "We had to go through a tight spot. I think this is where Wolf's radio failed. I see him just ahead." "What's he doing?" "He's just standing there," Cat said. "Keep listening." Cat grabbed Wolf's arm and shook it. "Wolf? Are you all right?" But Wolf didn't respond. He was mumbling something and Cat bent close to hear what he was saying. It sounded like, "Trapped! I can't believe I fell for it! This cell is solid rock..." "What's wrong with him?" Cat said. "And where is that little weasel Ali B'nn?" "Ali B'nn is not a weasel," Shadow Dancer said. "He is a Reptinoid." "Whatever! But what about Wolf? Why is he so out of it? He thinks he's trapped in a dungeon or something." Cat shook Wolf again, but even though his head rattled back and forth he completely ignored her. His eyes were fixed in a glassy stare and he kept mumbling about being trapped. "Can we move him?" Cat wondered. "Pig? Are you listening?" "Yes. Is Wolf in a trance?" "Something like that. Do you think Coporicopat would come here and help us carry him back to the vehicle?" "He says yes. He is on the way." |
| Wolf was going through what had gone wrong. He had seen the Relic, but when he tried to get it, he felt a sharp pain in his neck and had fallen asleep. When he woke up, he was in the cell, with only four steps worth of distance in any direction. He couldn't even locate a door. But now he was feeling something like an eathquake. Also, he could hear voices, but he couldn't make out whose they were. But then he recognized one of them: it was Cat. "Cat, listen to me," he said. "I'm trapped behind these rocks. I need help to get out." |
"It's no good," Shadow Dancer said, taking his hands away. "He really believes he is trapped in a cell." "Poor Wolfie," Cat said. "Here is Coporicopat. Let's get him back to the vehicle." When they laid Wolf across Coporicopat's back he seemed to fall asleep, but by the time they reached Betty, he was awake again. "How did I get back here?" he said. Cat breathed a sigh of relief. "So you know where you are now?" "Sure. I'm back on Planet Steamer in the Wonder Relic cave." Cat frowned. "What do you mean that you are 'back on Planet Steamer'? Did you leave?" Wolf laughed. "Did I leave? Don't you remember. After we found the Wonder Relic we left Planet Steamer and went to... Hmmm... Where did we go? It's kind of hazy, like a dream I can't quite remember... I know we sold the Wonder Relic and all became quite wealthy... Why can't I remember it more clearly?" "Because it didn't happen," Cat said. "You went to find the Wonder Relic with Ali B'nn... What happened to him, by the way. Where is he?" "Uh... I think we gave him some of the Wonder Relic money for helping us and-" "Wolf! It didn't happen! Listen to me. We just found the Wonder Relic cave today. Something happened to you in there. I don't know what it was. It seems like false memories were implanted in your head. You were mumbling about being trapped in a cell when I found you." Wolf snapped his fingers. "Yes! I remember. After we were arrested for stealing the Wonder Relic I ended up in the dungeon on-" "Stop it, Wolf! I'm going to say this again. Everything you remember after we first found the Wonder Relic is a false memory." Wolf stared at her. "But you're talking about a year of my life." "Maybe it's hard to believe, but check the time on Betty's computer. Whatever you think you've been doing, you haven't." Wolf rubbed his forehead. "Does that mean we never found the Wonder Relic?" "You found something, Wolf. Whatever it was must be pretty powerful to affect your mind like that. So maybe it's the Wonder Relic." Pig threw up his hands. "This is weird. So how are we going to get the Wonder Relic if it can manipulate our minds? I think this might explain why nobody messes with it." Cat whirled on him. "Are you saying we should give up after coming this far?" "No... but.. I think capturing the Wonder Relic is going to be a hell of a lot harder than we ever dreamed." "Why did you say 'capture'? Do you think it's alive?" "I don't know what it is, Cat. I was hoping it was a little box of gold that we could carry off and sell. I guess it's much more than that. Don't you think we're out of our league here? We don't know what we're doing." "Speak for yourself," Cat said. "I've stolen everything there is to steal. This will be my greatest theft ever! My name will be in the history books: The thief who stole the Wonder Relic." Pig slapped his hand to his head. "How do I get drawn into other people's ego trips?" |
| "Because you're getting thirty percent of the take," Wolf said. "So who gets the other seventy percent?" Pig asked. "Cat gets thirty percent, and I get thirty percent." "So who gets the other ten percent?" Cat asked. "The I.R.S. of course." "Why would they get a share?" Pig asked. "Yes," Cat said. "Especially after we did all the work." "Because I don't want to be like Al Capone and get busted for Tax Evasion," Wolf said. "That's much more humiliating than being busted for stealing, or murder even. Theft and murder give you street cred and people wonder what you're going to do next. Tax Evasion, you're the laughing stock of the whole prision yard." |
Cat looked at Shadow Dancer. "Do you come from a family of tax evaders?" Shadow Dancer looked puzzled for a moment. "No, I think Coporicopat meant you Earth people don't seem to know my family back on Earth." Cat shrugged. "Earth is a big place, little dragon. There are billions of people. We couldn't possibly know all of them." "To get back to business," Pig said. "This disappearance of Ali B'nn bothers me. I think we need to find him and get his version of what happened before we attempt anything more with the Wonder Relic. Because if he did anything dirty, them I'm going to wring his scrawny neck." "There must be more Reptinoids around here somewhere," Wolf said. Coporicopat licked one of his big paws. "There is a village nearby where the Reptinoids live. Would you like to go there?" "Sounds good to me," Wolf said. Pig started up Betty. "We'll follow you in our vehicle." With Coporicopat and Shadow Dancer leading the way, Betty rolled through a harsh landscape. Tall towers of rock rose up around them. There were several volcanic cones nearby, one sending up clouds of steam. The large number of such vents on the planet was how it got it's name of Planet Steamer. The Reptinoid village was a collection of stone huts, over a dozen of them, and one large circular stone building that seemed better made than everything else. "That is there temple," Coporicopat said. "They worship Laverne, the volcano god." "Laverne?" Cat said. "On Earth that would never be a god's name." |
| "So what would be a god's name on Earth?" Coporicopat asked. "Zeus is one," Wolf said, glaring at the feline. "Guy shot lightning at his enemies." |
"Laverne buries them in lava," Coporicopat said. A group of Reptinoids had gathered around to meet the visitors. One of them carried a staff and he stepped forward to speak. "Welcome to Warm Springs, the best little village in Volcano Valley." "They aren't tourists," Shadow Dancer said. "They came to get the Wonder Relic." "That's different," said the Reptinoid with the staff. "So I guess you won't be buying any beads or pots?" "I might," Cat said. "I love to shop. My name is Cat. This is Wolf and Pig." "I am Thunderlegs, the mayor of Warm Springs. I still welcome you even if you are plundering tomb robbers. You will have little luck trying to steal the Wonder Relic." "We're finding that out," Pig said. "Do you know a Reptinoid named Ali B'nn?" "Do not speak that name! He is an outcast! An untouchable! I spit on his memory!" "Well," Pig said to Cat. "I guess that establishes the character of Ali B'nn. He must have tricked us. I just can't figure out why." |
| "So tell me," Wolf said. "What did this guy do that made him outcast?" Thunderlegs's face became contorted. "He did something so unspeakable that I won't talk about it." "I understand," Wolf said nodding his head. "She must of been a beautiful woman." A low growl came from Thunderlegs's throat. "We better get going before I wear out our welcome," Wolf said in a low voice. "Needless to say, Ali B'nn has earned himself a few points in my book. He slept with this guy's wife, sister, or daughter." |
"You're awful," Cat said. "It's like you worship bad behavior." "Only when it's with women," Wolf said. "I'm going to ask around about Ali B'nn," Pig said. "I think this Thunderlgs chap might have a biased attitude." "Do that," Cat said. "I want to look at some beads and pots." "Zheesh," Wolf said. "I guess I'll take a nap. I'm still wondering about that year of my life that is now gone. Does that mean I will die a year earlier than I would have?" Cat shrugged. "I don't know, Wolfie. Better lock up Betty while you are sleeping." |
| "And none of your anti-theft devices Wolf," Pig said. "I'm still dealing with the effects of your last booby trap." "What did he do?" Coporicopat asked. "The bastard rigged a double-barrel 20-guage shotgun to go off when someone tried to pick the lock," Pig said. "Locked myself out one day, and *BOOOM!* Thankfully I have a thick skull, or I'd be dead. The doctors had to remove thirty plus pieces of metel, plus the pellets. I still have a few pieces, so walking through metel detectors is a pain, and I'm still paying off the door which had to be replaced." |
But something had gone wrong. There were footprints leading up to the gate. "Damn!" Coporicopat muttered. "We guard the thing 24 hours a day and see nothing and then take a ten minute break and some opportunist tries to slip through. Coporicopat wasn't too worried because there was also a guard stationed at the other end of the portal. Coporicopat stepped through the portal. "Did you get him?" "Yes and no help from you," the guard said. "Sorry. We've got some new people in Warm Springs - adventurers." "So?" "So I guess my attention wavered. Thanks for being alert on this end." "It's my job." "Who was it?" "A Reptinoid. He's being questioned now. I'll send you the report." Coporicopat waved a weary paw at the other guard and strolled back through the portal. Just a few more months and his year of guard duty would be over. What a happy day that would be. It was really humiliating for a Jelicle Magi to do guard duty, but that's the way things were. You couldn't advance to the next rank unless you did your year of guard duty. Pig was having trouble getting any information from the Reptinoids of Warm Springs. Everybody he asked claimed they knew who Ali B'nn was but they had nothing to do with him because he was an outcast. Pig tried to get tough with one old Reptinoid. "Dammit! He wasn't always an outcast! What was he like as a child? Where did he live? Who are his parents?" But the old Reptinoid just shrugged and said he didn't know anything. |
"Ali B'nn," he muttered. "Wherever you may be... I hope you are not in pain." Then the old Reptinoid hobbled back into his hut and sat down in his favorite chair and waited for another day to slowly pass by. Cat was buying some beads in the marketplace when Pig walked up. "Look at these!" Cat said. "Some kind of crystals I never saw before. Aren't they beautiful?" "I suppose so," Pig said. "I'm not much interested in beads." Cat playfully poked his big belly. "Did you find out anything about Ali B'nn?" "Nothing. These Reptinoids know how to keep their mouths shut." "Maybe that's why Ali B'nn is an outcast. He talked all the time." But Pig didn't get her joke so she returned to haggling with the bead seller. After she bought the beads, she said, "Let's go back to Betty and wake up Wolf and have a drink and a sandwich. We all need an energy boost." |
| "I just hope Wolf didn't make another of his booby traps," Pig said running his hand across the top of his head. "My hair has yet to fully grow back." "Hey, those traps of his have saved us time and time again," Cat said. "So don't be complaining too much." "And people wonder why the two of you arn't sleeping together," Pig muttered. |
Coporicopat poked the limp body of the Reptinoid. "Hey! Wake up! You can't sleep here!" The Reptinoid's eyes fluttered open. "Is he gone?" "Is who gone?" "The giant flaming demon." "You're drunk, buddy. Get up and go home and sleep it off." "I can't move." Coporicopat dragged the Reptinoid off to the side of the road. "That's as far as I take you. I'm not going to carry you home. Good luck with that hangover tomorrow." Inside the alloy skin of Betty, Wolf, Cat, and Pig were drinking sparkleberry juice and eating thick sandwiches full of veggies. "I feel better already!" Wolf said. "Let's go back in the cave and see it that mind thing happens again." "Zheesh!" Cat said. "You're like a little kid who likes to hit himself in the head with a hammer. I'll bet you gave your mama fits." |
| "The only thing that I did that gave her fits was going to school," Wolf said. "Mom always said that I'd do better stealing stuff instead of reading and writing. Proved her wrong, when I managed to sneak out more gem stones and small high-end pieces than she could fence." |
| Cat fiished her sandwich and lay back deep in thought "What y'all think of that Shadow Dancer dragon guy?" Cat asked "To me he seemed...sad." |
Pig snorted. "Why is it, Cat, that you don't give a damn how me and Wolf feel about anything, but everytime we encounter some pathetic alien creature you get all weepy and friendly with them?" "That's not true!" Cat said. "I love you guys! I just don't want your greasy fingers on me. Look but don't touch." Wolf and Pig exchanged eyerolls with each other. "But that poor little dragon," Cat continued. "He's so cute and he misses his family back on Earth. Maybe we could-" "No!" Pig said. "We are NOT taking him back with us!" Cat pouted. "I have to go back in that cave," Wolf said. "It's our only clue to the Wonder Relic. This time I'll wrap my head in tin foil to counteract the brain waves aimed at me." Pig slapped his hand to his forehead. "Wolf, you are a great fighter and warrior but about science you know nothing." "What? I heard even as far back as the twentieth century they were using tin foil hats to guard agains mind influences." "Wolf, those were crazy people, not scientists." "But isn't it true that you can't be hit by lightning if you are inside a metal vehicle?" "Yes, but-" Wolf gloated. "But, but, but! So I suppose airplane pilots are crazy now?" Pig raised and lowered his shoulders. "Wolf! That's different. That's electricity." "Don't they measure electrical waves in the brain?" "Yes, but-" Wolf gloated some more. "But, but, but! Everytime you speak you prove yourself wrong and me right!" Pig threw up his hands. "I give up! Yes, let's wrap your head in tin foil! Good luck with that!" |
"I just hope he doesn't do something stupid," Cat said. "Like what?" Pig asked. "Like the time he tried to cook a grenade with the stove." "Oh, I'm still paying for that thing. I'm just surprised we still go with him." "You do it because of the thrills," Wolf said. "And we do see some incredible sights." "And we end up being chased, either by the Law or a bunch of pissed-off natives, or both." |
As they were finishing their sandwiches, a Reptinoid street vendor knocked on the door of Betty. He had a tray of goodies hung from around his neck. "Would either of you like one of our special desserts?" "I don't really have much of a sweet tooth," Cat said. "What have ya got?" Pig asked. "Well, we have our special Slimey Mince Pie," Said the Waiter "Or our chocolate frosted animal babies..." "Wait! What?!" Cat and Pig said at once. "Or you could just get the Standard Earth Special Baked Rice Pudding." "Um..." Pig said, "I think we'll get the last one you mentioned. But no raisins....they give me bad gas." "Did you hear that?" Cat said "What that vendor just told us?! I've heard horror stories from old lady committees about animal people like us being stolen from their native planets to be food!" |
"You're being silly," Wolf said. "Haven't you ever heard of Animal Crackers on earth? Or Jelly Bears? Or Gummy Worms?That doesn't mean they are made from real animals or bears or worms, does it?" "I suppose you're right," Cat said. "My nerves are on edge. Are you really going back in that cave again?" "I'm ready to do it right now." "This time I'm going with you." "OK. Do you want me to wrap your head in tin foil?" "I guess so. It seems foolish, but it can't hurt." Pig drove Betty back into the cave entrance and waited with the vehicle while Cat and Wolf made their way back to the narrow crack. They paused for a moment before they entered it for the second time. "Can you hear us, Pig?" Cat said into her radio. "Loud and clear!" Pig replied. "We're going in!" |
| As they passed through the caveran, Wolf found himself being, distracted, by Cat's purfume. "What are you wearing?" he asked. "Just the usual stuff," Cat said. |
| "What is the usual stuff?" Wolf asked "Dead Fish of the Valley?" Cat said nothing but continued on her way. Meanwhile Shadow Dancer happened to be having lunch with Coporicopat, They ate live squirming alien fishes, fresh from planet Jelicle. |
"Should I bite the head off first?" Shadow Dancer said. He was holding one of the fish in his claws and he didn't like the look in its eyes. "Why would you do that?" Coporicopat asked. "You know, kind of a mercy killing thing, so they don't suffer so much." "They're just fish." "Fish have feelings too!" Coporicopat chuckled. "You're a sensitive little dragon. Yes, bite his head off if you like. I just chew them up whole, but my mouth is a lot bigger than yours." "I don't think I'm very hungry." "Eat!" Wolf and Cat slipped through the crack in the wall and found themselves on a ledge overlooking a huge underground cavern. "Wow!" Cat said. "This cave is gigantic!" "Yeah... How's your mind? Are we still thinking straight?" "I guess so... How would we know it if we weren't?" |
| "I don't know," Wolf said. "Perhaps we'd be naked, on the ground, and enjoying each other-" *SMACK!* "Hey! I was just saying." "Get your head out of the gutter." |
| The Wonder Relic glowed in its small cavern...It tended to glow blue whenever someone approched This time it glowed red...A sign that those approching it were in grave danger |
Cat spoke into her radio. "Pig? Can you hear us? We're in!" "I hear you," Pig said. "No problems with the radio this time." "Yeah. Maybe these tin foil hats actually work." "Look over there!" Wolf said. "In that small cavern off the main one... a red glow." "We see something," Cat told Pig. "We're going to take a look." Cat and Wolf carefully climbed down until they found another ledge that seemed to lead toward the small cavern. They were still 30 feet above the floor of the main cavern. As they approached it, the red glow seemed to withdraw into a tunnel. "Should we follow it?" Cat said. Wolf shrugged. "It's either do that or stand out here wondering where it went." "Let's do it then." They entered the small cavern which quickly narrowed into a long tunnel. The red glow remained some distance ahead of them. "Pig? Can you hear me?" There was only static. "Well, that's it for the radio. We're too deep in the rocks. If we don't catch up with that glow in five minutes then I say we turn back." |
| "That would be a good idea," Wolf said. "I'm getting a strange feeling, and I don't like it." |
"Really?" Cat said. "I don't feel anything. What does it feel like? Wolf?" But Wolf's eyes had glazed over. Like a zombie he walked toward the red glow which had stopped now and was approaching them. "Wolf?" Cat yelled. "What are you doing? Wolf! Wait!" Cat watched in horror as Wolf disappeared into the red glow. She didn't know whether to follow him or to run away. But she didn't have to decide because suddenly the red glow just vanished, taking Wolf with it. "Wolf!" Cat called, but he was gone. "Oh noooo," she moaned. "Not again!" There was nothing to do but retrace her steps. When she got back to the crack in the rocks she was able to get Pig on the radio. "Wolf is gone," she said. "What do you mean gone?" Pig said. "Gone. As in he is not with me and I don't know where he is. I'll be back at Betty in a moment and we'll discuss what to do." |
| "He's always getting into trouble," Pig said some time later. "Remember that time in Pourto Rico?" "I remember," Cat said shaking her head. "He got in bed with the Govener's Granddaughter and we had to break him out of prision." "Then there was that time in Columbia, when we got on the wrong side of those Cartels." "I know, he slept with the big guy's daughter." "Then there was-" "Slept with the guy's wife." "What about Mexico? I never figured out why we had to leave there." "The Guy tried to sleep with ME!" "Oh, I was wondering about that, as that guy didn't have any female relatives for Wolf to get in trouble with." |
| Caporicopat and Shadow Dancer had finished lunch and were now heading back to the cave. "Somethings gone wrong." The Sabretooth said |
Shadow Dancer looked up at his big friend and master. "Did you sense that with your magi powers?" "No, I can see the two humans discussing something and they are frowning." "You have good eyes." Coporicopat nodded. "I am a predator. We all have good eyes. Do you have vision problems?" "A little. I can see up close but the distance looks fuzzy." They reached the big silver vehicle known as Betty. "Wolf is gone again," Pig said. "That's too bad," Coporicopat said, "but maybe he will return again as he did last time." "I hope so," Cat said. Then, as if on cue, Wolf came walking down the road. "Hello!" he called out. "I wondered if you guys would show up for the reunion. I'm glad you did." Cat and Pig looked at each other. "Reunion?" Cat said. "What reunion?" Wolf grinned. "Our ten year reunion, of course! Don't you remember when we split up after selling the Wonder Relic we agreed to meet again in ten years on Planet Steamer at the cave of the Wonder Relic? why else would you be here?" Cat sighed. "No, Wolf, I don't remember, because we just found the Wonder Relic yesterday." "Huh? What are tou talking about?" Cat looked at Pig. "Do you want to explain it? Suddenly I feel really tired." "What's the problem?" Wolf said. Pig put his arm around Wolf's shoulder. "Come over here, old buddy. I have a story to tell you and it will probably take a while before you believe it." Cat and Shadow Dancer and Coporicopat watched Pig and Wolf go off for a private chat. Cat sighed again. "This Wonder Relic is very weird. Are you sure you don't know anything about it?" "Just that it exists," Coporicopat said. "Tell me, why must you have it? Why not just leave it alone?" |
| "Let's just say we need the money to fight a war," Cat said. "Earth isn't exactly a place to raise a family at the moment." |
"After the climate changed and the oceans rose, people had to evacuate the coastal cities and build new cities inland. It caused a lot of stress within countries and many governments collapsed, so a new World Government was established. But there are many people who want to go back to the system of lots of separate nations. They are the Nationalists and they are fighting the One Earthers." Shadow Dancer yawned. "I'm sorry I asked. Politics don't interest me all that much. I just wonder what happened to my family." "On Jellicle we have no politics," Coporicopat said. "The Top Cat rules all. Either you are with her or you are against her, in which case you get banished from Jellicle. So... no politics." |
| "Well, in some of the world's governments, there was limits to their power," Cat said. "It's not exactly the case with the One Earth government. The main problem is that there are good people on both sides, but they can't get along." |
Pig and Wolf returned from their chat. Wolf was rubbing his forehead. "Ten years of my life and only a dream! It's hard to believe but the evidence is convincing." Pig had a wisdom smile on his face. "You know what, you guys? It seems like this Wonder Relic only affects Wolf but not Cat. Isn't that right?" "I guess so," Cat said, "so... maybe I should go after it alone?" "I could go with you," Pig said. "No, I'm fine. I'll go alone and see what happens. This crazy relic hasn't licked us yet. Give me two extra water bottles to carry. I'm not coming back until I solve this puzzle." "She is like me," Coporicopat said. "Very determined. She will get the job done." |
| "Well you better keep your pants on," Wolf said. "Why is that?" Coporicopat asked. "Because Cat is my girl, and if you try anything with her, I'll kill you." "I find that hard to believe, both she being yours, and you being capable of killing me." |
| Pig and Cat entered the cave of the Wonder Relic The Blue Shine seemed to almost blind them but they could tell the object was somewhat sperichal "It smells like Water from a Mountain Stream!" Pig said |
"Wish me luck," Cat said and shook hands with Pig, but he grabbed her and hugged her and said, "Take care of yourself in there, Cat. Be very careful." "I will," she said, and walked into the Blue Shine. On the other side was blue sky and green grass which surprised her quite a bit since she had just been in a cave. "OK, Mister Wonder Relic," she said. "I know you like to play tricks on minds and this is a very good one. I don't know how you got me out of that cave and to this place but..." Suddenly her mouth fell open. There, up ahead was the house she grew up in. She recognized the crooked roof with the brown shingles where she had climbed and hid when she was a kitten. She ran toward what she thought must be an illusion but when she got there it seemed real enough. There was the big flat stone in front of the yellow door that she knew so well. She reached for the door handle... [Can we stay with cat for now? She is under the influence of the Wonder Relic. Hallucinating, perhaps? That means anything can happen. Go wild with your imagination. Let's see what happens...] |
| And she heard some very familiar voices. "It's mine!" "No it's mine!" "No it isn't." "Yes it is." It can't be, she thought. She then opened the door and saw her two younger sister arguing over that silly doll they always fought over. They turned their heads and began running up to her. "Sister," said the one. "You're home." "What did you bring us?" asked the other. Cat found herself stuck between wanting to enter the house, and wanting to run away, because she knew the truth about her younger sisters: they were dead, accidental casualties of the war. |
| Cat looked at her younger sisters and did not know what to say...She looked at the sky and saw dark storm clouds beginning to form |
Maggie and Lisa jumped up and down. "Help us make our costumes for Halloween! We want to go trick-or-treating and it's only two weeks to Halloween!" Cat tore her eyes away from the darkening sky. "OK, but let's go down in the storm cellar. I think a storm is coming." "Yippee!" Lisa said. "A storm! I love storms!" Cat smiled. She had forgotten how enthusiastic her kid sisters were. They loved everything. |
| Then Cat heard a sound that caused her to shudder. It was the sound of another storm, a storm of war. |
| They hurried down to the Storm Celler Cat looked down...There at her feet a Normal (Non-Anthropomorphic) Baby Crocodile Her Sisters kept as a pet "Croco!" Called Maggie "Come downstairs a storm is coming!" Croco wagged his tail and raced downstairs. Cat looked around the kitchen and saw a pile of cucumber sandwiches They were Lisa's favorite thing to eat Cat picked up a sandwhich and put it in her mouth...For a breif second reality wavered |
There was a sound like the roaring of a freight train. "It's a tornado!" Lisa screamed. "We'll be safe here in the basement," Cat said. But no sooner were the words out of her mouth than the whole house, including the basement with the three girls and the crocodile, was lifted into the air and whirled around and around so fast that they all fainted. There was a huge crash as the house was dropped back to earth and that woke up everytbody. "Wow!" cat said. "I've never lived through a tornado before. Let's see what everything looks like outside." They all climbed up the basement stairs, stumbled through the half-destroyed kitchen, and pushed open the back door. Three girls and a crocodile gasped with surprise. "I don't think we are in Kansas anymore," Lisa said. |
| Then Cat heard some very familiar sounds, a large number of heavy footsteps and machinary coming in their direction. "Let's get going," she said. "It's not safe here." |
"What's that noise?" Lisa said. Cat made a growl face. "Clone Troopers. They destroy everything in their path. Think army ants the size of cows and armed with lasers." Maggie started crying. "Don't be afraid," Cat said. "I'll get us out of this." "How?" Lisa asked. "By running real fast?" Cat yanked at her arm. "Just shut up and run." |
| Cat then started to drag her sisters behind her. She wanted to get as far from the troopers as she possibly could before they showed up at the house. |
They ran until they were on top of a small hill overlooking the valley where the house had crashed. "Look!" Lisa said, pointing at the other end of the valley. The first of the Clone Troopers had appeared. Their metal skins glistened in the sunlight. They burned, ripped, tore up, and pulverized everything in their path. Behind them stretched raw dirt where nothing grew or lived or remained standing. When they reached the house they tore threw it like a buzzsaw. The house became a cloud of sawdust that then flamed for a moment in a big fireball. There was nothing left of it. "Oh no!" Maggie sobbed. "Blinky!" "That's her teddy bear," Lisa said. "There isn't even anything left to bury." "They aren't coming this way," Cat said. Later, after the Clone Troopers had moved on and the valley was quiet again, Cat and Lisa and Maggie trudged down the hill. "There is no sense going back the way the Clones came because there will be nothing left there," Cat said. "And there is no sense in following them because there will be nothing left there either. Soooo... let's head off at a perpendicular to their path." "What's a perpendicular?" Maggie said. "Like an L," Lisa said, holding her hands up to make one. "You just knew that because your name starts with L." "No, I knew it because I'm smarter than you." "That's because you're older." Cat had forgotten how much her sisters liked to argue. They could be cute, but they could also be annoying. The problem now was where to go since their home was destroyed. The name of Uncle Billabong popped into her head. "We'll go vist Uncle Bill!" |
| (Let's see someone else for a bit.) Meanwhile, Wolf was sitting in a chair, thinking about what Pig had just told him. "Why did you let her go alone?" He asked. "I told you," said Pig. "Those spaces were far too narrow for me to crawl through." "No, you need to lose some weight." |
| Cat found herself trapped in a nightmare...hiding in a prickly berry patch to hide from the clone troopers, Than Cat felt a hand on her shoulder. Cat turned around and found herself face to face with a Giant Panda Bear dressed in a TrenchCoat "Cat." The Panda said slowly "How do you know my name?" The Feline asked "I am SugaLips." The Panda said "And I know a lot about you...This world you see is a fantasy created by the Wonder Relic..." The Panda held up two berries in his paw "Take the blue berry and stay in the fantasy...Take the red berry and I'll show you the truth." Cat took the red berry and gulped it down....Suddenly the world began to melt away Cat found herself standing in a dark cave with the Panda "Welcome back to reality." Said SugaLips "Now I must leave." "Wait wait don't go!" Cat said "There is still so much I don't know!" "You're friends are worried about you." SugaLips said "You shound find them." |
Cat looked at her hand where she still held the blue berry that would return her to the Wonder relic's dream world. I'll save this for later, she thought, because the key to the Wonder relic might be in the dream world that it creates. Wolf and Pig ran up to meet her when she returned to Betty. "Well?" Wolf said. "What happened?" "It took over my mind," Cat said, "But not the way it did yours, Wolfie. Instead of moving forward into an imaginary future, I was flung back into an imaginary past." "But it seemed completely real, didn't it?' Wolf asked. "Yes and no. My sisters were there and I have to admit it seemd exactly like them. Every detail was perfect, even their silly arguments... and... how could the Wonder relic know that my sister Maggie had a teddy bear named Blinkie?" "It could have probed your mind for that knowledge..." "I suppose so, but even though my sisters were dead-on accurate, everything else was screwy as hell. There was a tornado and an army of clone troopers and a friendly Panda..." Pig sighed. "I think we better call this off and go home. There is no way we can deal with something that alters our thinking. How do you grab something that can make you think you don't want to grab it?" Wolf snapped his fingers. "A robot! We use something that doesn't have a mind. What happens then?" Pig scratched his bristly chin. "Hmmmm... sometimes you actually seem to have a brain, Wolf. We'll have to rig something up. It doesn't have to be much, does it? maybe just a remopte-controlled camera that we can send through the crack?" "Yes! And why didn't we think of that from the beginning?" "I don't know," Pig said. "I guess we are just run-in-and-grab-it types. Nothing subtle." |
| "True," Wolf said. "It's normally a dash and grab we do. However, this thing is different." |
| Cat Wolf and Pig went to enjoy a late supper of vegetable stew followed by a dessert of freash fruit |
Coporicopat and Shadow Dancer had prepared the meal for them so they were quite surprised that two carnivores had prepared a vegetarian feast. "Where's the meat?" Wolf joked. "We don't eat meat during our year of guard duty," Coporicopat said. "It's a religious thing. And since I don't eat meat, that means Shadow Dancer doesn't eat meat. And since we two don't eat meat, that means we only have fruits and vegetables to give you. I hope you aren't disappointed?" "Not at all!" Cat said. "We may have carnivore ancestors but we're omnivores now. I love fruits and vegetables." After dinner Coporicopat asked about their results with the Wonder Relic. "It's as slippery as ever," Pig said. "We know it affects minds and makes you think what it wants you to think, so we are sending in a little mechanical device to check it out. Without a mind maybe it can make an accurate scan of the relic" "Good luck with that," Coporicopat said. "I must say you earth folks are a stubborn lot. My people gave up on doing anything with the Wonder Relic years ago." "Well, we're not typical Earthers," Pig said. "We're what you call fortune hunters and we have to be stubborn." "Don't forget brave, bold, courteous, and kind," Wolf said. Cat laughed. "And foolhardy, impetuous, unprepared, and clueless!" |
| "And we have to know when to run," Pig said. "Especially when this guy messes with some woman." "It's not my fault that I'm such a ladies man," Wolf said with a grin. "They just seem to love me all the time." "Well I wonder what Ali B'nn is up to," Cat said. "We haven't seen him since he left you in that cave." |
SugaLips the Panda took a sip of Diet Coke and grinned. "My work here is done." "What are you taking about?" asked a female Reptinoid named Marella. "You didn't do anything!" |
"Madam, it may appear to you that I have done nothing, but that's only because you are totally unaware of the subtle intricacy of the manipulations involved in what I do." "Huh?!" Marellla said. "Are you trying to confuse me with a bunch of Panda-style hot air?" "Certainly not!" said Suga-Lips. "It's not my fault if your peanut brain fails to grasp the many implications of my modus operandi." Marella squinted at him. "I know a con man when I hear one, mister. If I were you I would move on before I sick the law on you." "Poppycock! I have broken no laws. Sick away, feeble-minded lady of the streets. I am not afraid of the law." |
"Actually I can just sick my many sons, nephews, and younger male cousins on you," Marella said with a wicked grin. "All that I have to tell them is that you insulted me and they'll be after you." |
SugaLips drew up his shoulders. "Madam, you are as conniving and disreputable as you are stupid. I shall leave to avoid the unpleasantness of meeting your hillbilly family of fools. I have no desire to hear Uncle Festus play the banjo while Idiot Billy does his Chicken Dance." Marella threw a stick at his departing back. "And don't come back!" Pig manipulated a remote control and his little toy camera car raced around in circles. "Stop playing with it," Wolf said. "Let's send it into the cave." They all crowded around the monitor to watch as the camcar rolled into the cave sending back a nice clear video of what it saw. "Ok," Cat said. "There is the narrow crack. Ease it through. On the other side of that crack the Wonder Relic should be not too far away. Unless it moves around, but I don't think it does. Do you?" "How the hell should I know?" Wolf said. "I don't live here, I'm just visiting." |
| The Robot wandered around for a few seconds than its motion sensors detected something that looked like a floating orb |
"Head for that floating orb," Cat said. "That's the blue shine I told you about." The camcar rolled toward the blue ball of light and when it got close enough the crew of Betty made a startling discovery. "Hey!" Pig said. "That's just a cloud of smoke from a smoke machine with a blue light bulb hanging in the middle of it!" "So phony!" Cat said. "That can't be the Wonder Relic." "Maybe it's like the Wizard of Oz," Wolf said. "The Wizard of who?" "Don't tell me you never heard of the wizard of Oz? He had machinery casting projections to make him look a lot more awesome than he really was." "I get it," Cat said. "So the question still is where is the Wonder Relic?" "I think I spotted it," Pig said, "Or him." "Him?" "Look on the monitor." The camcar had rolled up next to a little green frog who was dressed in red pants and a yellow jacket. "You don't normally see frogs wearing pants," Pig said. "I didn't even know they had frogs on this planet," Wolf said. "Especially here in Volcano Valley which is so hot and dry." "Oh no!" Cat said. "Do you think the Wonder Relic can reach back through a video link and manipulate our minds that way?" "I don't feel manipulated," Pig said. "I have two-way sound on the camcar. Shall we try to talk to the frog?" "Sure," Cat said. "Turn on the mike... Hello! Mister Frog! Are you the Wonder Relic?" |
Cat grinned as she spoke into the mike. "Oh, good! Then you can tell us all about the Wonder Relic! What is it?" Kermit sighed. "I'm sorry. I can see you are excited to learn more, but I am not allowed to talk to the media." "We're not the media!" Cat said. "We are... uh... scientists! We seek knowledge." The frog shrugged. "That's a video camera mounted on your little car here, isn't it? That makes you media in my book." "What if we turn the camera off?" "No, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to tell you anything." Cat felt like choking him. "At least tell us why you aren't going to tell us anything!" |
| "Let's just say you could be working for those whom I have to protect the artifact from." |
"And who would that be?" Cat asked. Kermit shrugged. "If you are working for them then you already know. And if you are not working for them, then you don't need to know." Cat put her hand over the mike and spoke through gritted teeth to Wolf. "That little wise-ass frog infuriates me. Maybe you better talk to him." Wolf took the mike. "Hello, little frog buddy! How's it going with that Wonder Relic caretaking job? Don't you ever get bored hanging around in that cave all the time?" |
| "Actually I have a whole lot of fun with the people who come seaking the relic," Kermit said with a chuckle. "You'd be surprised with what I do, and others think it's one of the powers of the relic." "Like what?" Wolf asked. "Let's just say that there is a female humanoid cat creature carrying the child of a male humanoid wolf creature." |
Wolf scratched his head until the meaning of what the frog had said dawned on him. "What?! You can't be serious? Are you saying what I think you are saying?" |
"What do you think I'm saying?" Kermit asked. "Are you saying that you got a woman pregnant with the child of a man she has never slept with?" "Not the first time I've done that," Kermit chuckled. "Did it to this one young woman, a Marlen or Maryian, or something along those lines. As for the father, I can't recall the name off hand, but the kid grew up fine and started a cult that was named after him in later years, Christ-something." |
| Cat walked farther and farther away from the sight, huffing and puffing to herself. (Which was strange cuz she wasn't a wolf) |
The anger was strong in her and she didn't want to lash out at those around her. Her claws were too sharp. She stood staring at the bare rock towers and smoking cone hills of Volcano Valley. I hate this place! Wolf was finding it very hard to believe Kermit. "So you are saying that Cat is going to have a baby and I am the father?" "That's right. Pretty soon, too. I like an accelerated pregnancy, don't you?" "No!" Wolf said. "She didn't ask to get pregnant. Why did you do it?" Kermit shrugged. "Eh! I have things I can do so I do them. Are you any different?" Wolf gazed at the monitor screen, wondering if there really was a frog at the other end that he was talking to. Pig was right. This situation was beyond their understanding. He wondered if they left the planet right now if things would go back to normal. Suddenly he heard a scream from Cat. He dropped the mike and ran to her. "I think my water broke!" she said. Wolf noticed her belly was swollen. "Wow! When Kermit said accelerated pregnancy I had no idea he meant this fast!" "Shut up and help me back to the vehicle. I need to lie down for this." |
| "Remind me to kill that frog," Wolf muttered. "I get first dibs," Cat gritted out. "Nobody makes me pregnat and gets away with it." "Frog legs sound good for supper." |
Cat's anger faded a bit when she saw her new baby. "He's so cute!" "Thank goodness he's a boy," Wolf said. "I'll teach him all my tricks." But Wolf barely had time to teach the child anything because by the next day he was half-grown. He did look a bit like Wolf and a bit like Cat but he also bore a striking remblance to Coporicopat. The mystery intensified when Coporicopat told them he could detect signs in the boy of the telepathic activity that Coporicopat's people possessed. "Look at his feet!" Shadow Dancer said. "He's a bit like me, too!" Sure enough, the boy had thick scaly skin on his feet. He would never need to wear shoes. "We should give him a name," Cat said. Pig made a wave with his hand. "At the speed he is living his life he will be dead by the end of the week." "Don't say that!" Cat said and hugged the boy to her. "I'll name him Paul. That was my the name of a good friend I once knew." Paul looked at her and struggled to say it: "Paul..." Cat smiled. "That's right. Your name is Paul." Suddenly Pig stood up with a gleam in his eye. "I will bet you that Paul can see the real Wonder Relic!" "Why do you think that?" Cat asked. "Intuition! It just came to me! We have to try it." "Not yet," Cat said. "Let him get a little older first." |
| "Well I'm still going to kill that frog," Wolf said. "No one should do what he did to anyone, especially without their premision." "This coming from the great womanizer himself," Pig gasped. "I don't believe it." "Those women slept with me willingly," Wolf growled. "What that guy did to Cat goes beyond seducing a lovely madien and sleeping with her." |
| Shadow Dancer put his scaly claw on Wolf's Shoulder "Let me come with you." He said "I have the power to controll nature spirits." |
"Stop it, you guys!" Cat said. "I'm okay with this now. I don't want Kermit hurt. I have a confession to make. I always wanted a child but I didn't want to go to all the trouble. Now I've had a pregnancy, a birth, and the kid is half grown in two days. What could be better?" Wolf and Shadow Dancer exchanged looks with each other. "Women!" Wolf said. "Who can ever understand them?" By the next morning Paul was a handsome young man of 21. He still could only speak a few words and couldn't do much but eat, sleep, and walk. Nevertheless, Cat agreed that it was time to send him into the cave to see the Wonder Relic. After all, in a way he was the Wonder Relic's child as well as theirs. They crowded around the monitor as Shadow Dancer led Paul into the cave. The camcar followed close behind him. At the narrow crack in the back of the cave, Shadow Dancer pushed Paul through while he remained behind. "There is the blue glow!" Cat said. "And there is Kermit!" Wolf said. "The little sonafabitch!" "Wolf! Be nice to Kermit. Kermit? Can you hear me? This is the child you gave us. We named him Paul." "I know," Kermit said, and hopped onto Paul's shoulder. Paul walked straight into the blue glow and there was a crackling of electricity around him and the glow disappeared. Then Paul turned around and started walking back. "He seems to know what he;s doing," Pig said. Paul came out of the cave and walked up to them. "Hello! I am the Wonder Relic you have been looking for." There was a stunned moment of silence so Paul spoke again. "Don't be alarmed. I needed a body to walk around in so I gave you Paul. I don't have a body myself so now I can occupy this one and speak through it's lips. You have to admit Paul wasn't doing much with it. Although you might as well call me Paul since I don't have any other name." "I'm trying to understand," Cat said. "So you are the real Wonder Relic? Why is the frog in your pocket?" "Kermit?" Paul said. "He is my conscience. He goes everywhere with me." "But what are you? Why are you here?" Paul laughed. "I will give you three guesses and then I will tell you. What is your first guess?" |
| [The Wonder Relic caused Cat to become pregnant and give birth to a boy who quickly grew into a young man. The Wonder Relic then took possession of the young man's body so that the Wonder Relic could move around and talk. The Wonder Relic apparently is some kind of force or energy or free-floating mind with no body of it's own. Cat named the boy Paul. So now the Wonder Relic's name is "Paul" for convenience sake.] "Some kind of alien from a galaxy far away?" Pig guessed. Cat pointed at Paul. "You are the physical manifestatiopn of our subconscious desires brought about because of the unusual geological properties of this planet." Wolf and Pig stared at her. "What?" she said. "I watch the Discovery Channel." Paul laughed again. "Good answers! But to tell you the truth, I am not sure WHAT I am!" "Huh?" Pig said. "All I know is that I have been here for a very long time -- centuries, millenia! -- and I have forgotten how I got here. I seem to remember something about a huge war between advanced civilizations, but gosh, it's all kind of fuzzy now." "Then riddle me this, Mister Relic," Cat said. "Why are you in my son's body?" "No mystery there," Paul said. "I want to get off this planet. I want to see the universe. I want to find out my origins. Who am I? Where did I come from? I need a body for that." Pig shook his head sadly. "I have a feeling we're not going to be making any money out of this." "Yeah," Wolf said. "Obviously we can't sell the Wonder Relic now that he is my son." |
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