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Adventures of the famous anthropomorphic bounty hunters |
| [Introduction] FELCANROD Felcanrod is a team of three bounty hunters - a wolf, a cat, and a rat. It takes place on an alternate earth that is just like ours, same time, same places, but it has a humanimal population in it (and other beasts, creeps, critters, and weirdness as necessary). ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ............ Samuel ...................... Sapphire ......................... Skeemo ... NAME: Samuel Blacktail SPECIESs: Grey Wolf BODY: Muscular, with a variety of scars covering his body, both from past fights and accidents. Missing an eye and an ear, on the left side, to say nothing about the scar running through that side of the face, practically bisecting his muzzle, along with a tear on the left side of his jaw, that makes it look like he's always snarling (Something like Jonah Hex), the pinky on the left hand is missing, and favors his left leg. Fur color is grey, except for his tail, which is black. OUTFIT: Prefers to wear something casual, in an attempt to blend in with the locals, but Samuel Blacktail always seems to stick out - mainly due to his charming good looks. PERSONALITY: Samuel always tries to be friendly towards those around him. However, those who insult women around him had best watch out; he once disfigured a man, by slicing off his ear, tearing out his eye, chopped off a finger, then tossing the guy into a pig pen, all because he called his own wife a whore. Then again, Samuel once had a wife, only to lose her in the incident that disfigured him. That being said, he tends to focus on the job. NAME: Sapphire Shores SPECIES: Siamese Cat BODY: Slender and graceful, Olympic Gymnast fit, has large blue eyes and long cream colored head fur. OUTFIT: Normally wears a Blue Jumpsuit, when Stealth is needed she gets into her jet black full body cat suit PERSONALITY: Calm, cool, collected, Cares deeply about other creatures and seeks to protect them from harm, mess with Cubs or other youngsters around her at your peril! NAME: Skeemo Saab SPECIES: rat BODY: Kind of dumpy, not fat, just chunky. But he doesn't waddle, he walks smoothly and stealthily. HEAD: Large, sharp-pointed nose, beady eyes but hidden by black wraparound sunglasses, jet black hair slicked back with oil. OUTFIT: Usually seen in grey sweatpants and sweatshirt with expensive Italian shoes of black leather. Prefers zip-up-the-side, lightweight boots. PERSONALITY: Friendly, but knows how to fight clean or fight dirty. He's probably not as calm and cool as he tries to appear. THE ASSOCIATES ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** .... Sally the Flea ..... Zzrt the Alien ..... Penelope the Mouse .... Aziza the Rhino Chapters (clickable links) ------------------------------------------------ Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven |
| Felcanrod has been offered a million dollars by a mysterious phone caller to perform some unspecified task. Wary at first, they finally decide to check it out and meet him at his apartment in Triumph Tower... When Sam and Sapphire and Skeemo arrived at the Triumph Tower, they were escorted into a luxurious apartment. "It's equipped with a huge fish tank!" Skeemo said. "How odd." "Not so odd," came a voice from the tank. A large fish man lifted his head above the water. "I don't like it when my skin dries out. You must be Sam and Skeemo and, of course, Sapphire. I am Scales McCoy, the CEO of Kelp Incorporated." "I've heard of you!" Skeemo said. Scales nodded his big fishy head. "Yes, unfortunately I'm kind of famous because of my body. I guess you are curious why I need you, eh?" "We sure are," Skeemo said. "We do mostly bounty hunting and detective work. Is that what you had in mind?" |
| Scales was a Large, Fat Fish covered in bright Orange Scales, he wasn't a Goldfish, no one could tell what exact species he was. "What I need you to do." Scales said "Is go to the Pacific Ocean and cull the Sockeye Salmon living to close to my Kelp Farm. "Wait." Said Sam "You're not talking about normal Salmon...Those are People Salmon you're showing on that side!" "The Salmon are barbarians!" Said Scales "They keep stealing my Kelp!" "We could arrest them." Said Sapphire "But not kill them." Scales scowled, and despite Sam being the toughest Wolf alive, something about that Fish's scow terrified even him. "I think we better leave." Said Sam and they all ran out before Scales could do anything "When Sam gets scared..." Said Skeemo "You know it's really hit the fan." "I just had this feeling." Sam said "Like Satan himself was in that Fish and if we didn't leave he was going to push the button that led to a trap door or released the hounds...Sapphire...Where were you? I thought you were only going to spend a week in Europe?" "Actually." Said Sapphire "I started in Europe but then circumstances led me to Africa." "What circumstances?" Asked Skeemo "This." Said Sapphire opening her car, revealing a twelve year old Rhino Girl with a busted lip (Hook lip as she was a Black Rhino) And said eyes "This is Aziza." Said Sapphire "Her Mom was killed by Poachers and I sort of...Kind of...Adopted her." |
| "Hello, Aziza," said Skeemo. "Hello, my ass!" said Aziza. Skeemo did a doubletake and looked at Sapphire. Sapphire shrugged. "We're still working on her table manners. You can't blame her for having an attitude after what she's been through." "I've been through plenty myself," Sam said, "but that doesn't stop me from being nice to people." Aziza folded her arms across her chest. "Oh yeah? So like what have you been through?" |
| "Look at my face, and perhaps you'll get an idea or two," said Sam. "Why would I want to look at your ugly face?" Aziza asked. "I'm not in any mood to take out my glasses." "Glasses?" Skeemo asked. "She's a rhinoceros," Sapphire muttered. "Their eyesight isn't exactly the best." "Yeah, remember that time we were working for O'Greadly, and had to deal with the husband and wife who had vision issues," said Sam. Skeemo chuckled at the memory. "They demolished their living room while making up, didn't they?" "Was that when I had my headache, and didn't feel like doing anything?" Sapphire asked. Sam nodded. He then looked at the rhinoceros. "Could you please put your glasses on?" "Only because you said 'please'," Aziza muttered, as she reached into her pocket. She pulled out a case, opened it, pulled out a pair of glasses, and carefully placed them on her face. She then looked at Sam, and her face paled. "What happened to you?" "Someone didn't like my face," said Sam. "So they disfigured me. They also didn't like the fact that I was married, and expecting a baby, so they killed my wife and her unborn child. They didn't like my house, so they set it on fire, while I was tied to a chair, trapped inside. As for the rest, I might tell you later, after you've grown up a bit." |
| A gator came in "Hello Sam, you were damned lucky I stopped by and pull you out of that inferno. Still looking for that wacko that tried to fry you." Sam says "Gary Gator, what brings you here?" Gary says "My guess, the same as you and the rest here." |
| "If you're talking about the Job Scales McCoy has planned don't do it." Said Sam "That Fish wants to commit genocide on a school of Salmon People because they're stealing his Kelp I mean yes...The Kelp is his profits but he can't kill an entire school of Salmon Men, Women and Fry." "Is that what you were doing in that big building?" Aziza asked "Some big Fish was asking you to kill a whole school of other fish?" "Sad to say but true." Said Sapphire, Aziza got out the cellphone Sapphire gave her "What are you doing?" Asked Sapphire "Back in Africa we know the phone numbers of some of the Gods trouble is, most of us who live in the wilderness don't have many Phones, I'm calling Boopsie, the Wildlife Fairy...I don't want a bunch a Tiny Fish Fry to suffer what I had to suffer..." "Do you have a bottle of water?" Gary asked "I'm parched." |
| "I can understand that," Skeemo said. "Gator in Vegas. Not the perfect match of species and environment. Which raises the question: What's an alligator doing in Las Vegas?" Gary grinned. "What do you think? Gambling! Haha! Unfortunately, not doing very well at it. I'm down to half my stake, so I decided I better take a break from the tables for awhile until my luck changes." "Tell you what. Eat supper with us. I was just going to treat everybody to a meal at the Omnivoria Café." Gary's eyes grew big. "Hey, that's that all-species joint, isn't it? I heard the food there is great. Everything from alfalfa to mealworms. How could I say no?" "I'm not hungry," Aziza said. Sapphire nudged her. "Wait until you see the root bar. You'll go crazy." "They have a root bar?! Oh wow." |
| "As they talked suddenly a some glittering sparkles appeared, and formed into an Anthropomorphic Feline with glittering Feline wings "I'm Boopsie the Fairy of Wildlife." The Beautiful Creature said "Someone left a message on my answering machine saying a whole school of Salmon are in danger." "That would be me." Said Aziza |
| (Going to give Twiga a brief update on Felcanrod 3. Oh, Hertz, check out 1 and 2, before you alter Sam's background a little too much for my liking.) Sam rolled his eyes as he saw the creature. Another one of these guys, he thought. Sapphire walked up to the wolf. "So, what's happened while I've been away?" "Had to deal with a mad bomber, a boxer who moonlighted as a rapist, went on a trip to the Amazon, where we almost got killed, bodyguarded an actor who turned out to be wanted on another planet, I got engaged to Susan over Christmas, and just before you came home, we were visited by an Italian shrew named Padre Grande, who is bodyguarded by Russian polar bears, and it seems that he, and Mr. Stripes, are having a Turf War over on Casino Street, where both of them are trying to expand their money laundering operations, and we've been asked to stay out of it." "Anything else?" Sapphire asked. "Skeemo found out that he isn't into bondage," said Sam. "That being said, he showed me a side that scared me a bit. Of course, what I did scared me just as much." "What was that?" Sapphire asked. "It was during that trip down in Amazon," said Sam. "We were being hunted, like animals, by a man who wanted revenge for what I did to his brothers. He killed those we were sent to rescue, and eventually, me and Skeemo were left on a raft, and he and a driver were coming at us on a moterboat. Me and Skeemo jumped from our raft, into their boat. It was kill or be killed, and me and Skeemo only had the weapons we were born with; teeth and claws. Let me tell you this, it wasn't easy to wash the blood out of our fur." |
| "Sounds exciting," Sapphire said. "I almost got married." "Really!" Skeemo said. "To some millionaire, no doubt." "No, he was the pool cat at the resort I was staying and--" "Pool cat?" "It's like a pool boy, only feline. They like to use cats because they don't waste time swimming in the pool. You know how cats hate the water." "I do know that," Skeemo said, "which is why it's strange to thing of a cat wanting to work at a swimming pool." |
| Boopsie the Wildlife Fairy said "Excuse me Brave Heroes but I think we still have the issue of the Salmon School, if Scales McCoy can't have you kill the, he'll find someone who will." |
| "Well, that person would have to be really crazy, and just plain loves killing people, which your average hitman-for-hire isn't," said Sam. "Explain your reasoning," said Boopsie. "They might be murderers, but your average hitman isn't going to kill people over kelp," said Sam. "Drugs and money, sure, but underwater grass, forget it. To do so would make them a laughing stock. 'Hey Fred, I killed a guy over a hundred thousand dollars worth of cocaine. What did you kill yours over?' 'Kelp.' 'Damn, that's low, even for you.' Their reputation would be ruined. No, this guy's more at risk of being shot himself by the guy he's trying to hire." |
| "Okay, I follow that," Boopsie said. "But what about the not-so-average hitman? Are you telling me it's impossible to find someone who will do it?" "No, you're right," Sam said. "There is always the chance that Scales McCoy could find a hitman who will kill Salmon People." "Well, what are we going to do about it?" Boopsie said. "Wait a minute," said Skeemo. "It's not our job to protect the Salmon People. They aren't paying us anything. We don't just go running around protecting anybody who wants protection for free." Aziza had been listening. "Well, that's cold, bro. All those poor salmon. You're just going to watch them die?" "You have no say in this!" Skeemo said. |
| Boopsie said "I think you'll agree to help when you hear my plan." "What plan?" Asked Skeemo "I know a thing or two about Scales McCoy enough that I think we can get him to change his mind." "How do we do that?" Sam asked "We're going to go Charles Dickens and have you three be the Ghosts of Past, Present and Future." |
| "Wasn't Christmas like last week, or whatever?" Sam asked. "I don't think he'd fall for that." |
| "Forget Christmas!" Boopsie said. "This is just about Past, Present, and Future. Sam, you'll be good for Future because you can tell him what's going to happen to him if he doesn't cooperate. And Sapphire, you'll be good for Past because you can tell him about all the bad things he has done and how it has hurt people. And Skeemo..." "I know," Skeemo said. "I'll be the Ghost of the Present. Am I supposed to wear a sheet over my head or something? What do I tell him?" |
| "You won't have to wear a sheet over your head." Said Boopsie "My Fairy Enchantment will take care of all the special effects why don't we go somewhere more...Private?" And with a wave of her wand Boopsie brought Felcanrod and Aziza to her pad "I shall give all the vital information on Scales McCoy for instance the fact that He wasn't always a He." "You mean..." Sam started to say "Yes...Scales McCoy is an Orange Mangrove Fish...A species that is always born female but after puberty a select few transform into males, which ones transform and which ones stay female is always predetermined, turns out...Scales really wanted to stay female." |
| "Isn't there some sort of surgery that one can do to change their sex?" asked Sam. "I know I've heard about it." |
| "It's frowned upon by the fish people," said Boopsie. "Scales' family would have disowned him if he had done that. And then he wouldn't be CEO of Kelp Incorporated. So he had to just accept being male, no matter how much he wanted to be female." "What else do you know about him?" asked Skeemo. |
| "Well since he's a Mangrove Fish he's from Southeast Asia." Said Boopsie "He grew up isolated from most other species even other fish." "Segregated community." Sam said "When you want to make sure your kids stick to your ideas and don't let any foreigners corrupt their young innocent minds." "Your sarcasm is admirable." Said Boopsie "Anyway, as isolated as he was, Scales always felt admiration and envy for Mammals and Birds, Birds were able to fly and had magnificent plumage, Mammals were they rulers of the Earth." |
| "Still, admiration doesn't solve our problem," said Sam. "What is the plan?" |
| Skeemo loked at Sapphire. "You're the Ghost of the Past, so I guess it's up to you to make the first visit to haunt Scales McCoy." |
| "Before we do that." Said Boopsie "We'll get a sparkly white gown over you and I'll cast a glamous spell over you so you seem transparent." |
| "So, what is the overall plan?" Sam asked. "It's not like we have a time machine to take him to the past." |
| "It's all pretend," Boopsie said, "but he doesn't know that. He's a fish. He doesn't have a great imagination. If he sees something he believes it. You look good, Sapphire, just like a beautiful ghost. Now, go do your Ghost of the Past thing!" |
| Scales McCoy was in bis water bed asleep when he heard a voice"Scales McCoy!" Scales slowly started to wake up "Scales McCoy!" Sapphire said again as she appeared in his bedroom |
| "This ought to be good," Skeempo said, as he sat in a chair, watching the scene from a monitor. He then held up a bowl of popcorn, under Sam's nose. "You want some?" |
| Scales suddenly came so wide awake his eyes were bulging. "Who is that? What do you want?" "I am the ghost of the past," Sapphire moaned. "G-g-ghost?" Scales said. "What do you mean? Why are you here? Am I going to die? DId I already die?!" Scales looked around wondering if he was alive or not. |
| "You are not dead." Said Sapphire said "But you will be if you do not heed my warning and the warning of the other ghosts who will haunt you this night." "What is the warning?" Asked Scales "First let's look at your past." Said Sapphire "When you hatched from your egg..." |
| (Sorry, I have no clue how a fish's past might go, so I'm going to start the build-up for the next chapter, based off of a character that was just introduced in Part 3.) While this was going on, with Skeemo watching from a monitor, Sam was busy on a portable device. "What are you checking on?" Skeemo asked. "That Italian shrew crime boss, Padre Grande," said Sam. "You mean that four foot tall shrimp?" Skeemo asked. The rat laughed. "I'm taller than that guy." "He's got several seven foot tall Russian Polar Bears, who are ex-Spetsnaz, who can easily tear you to pieces," said Sam. "That, and he's got a deadly bite to boot." "What do you mean?" Skeemo asked, his laughter stopped. "He's primarily an American Short-tailed Shrew, with a rather toxic form of saliva," said Sam. "Said toxin tends to paralyze the nervous system, potentially putting the victim in a coma-like state. Useful when catching fast moving insects and the like for regular shrews, and a good way to subdue those you intend to rob, or kill, especially when you're not that quick yourself." "So, just how deadly is his saliva?" Skeemo asked. "Deadly enough to kill a polar bear, or a tiger, if he bit them in the right place," said Sam. "However, he's got a very keen mind, and has been able to outwit most of his rivals, and the police, for the better part of twenty years. The law has nothing solid on him, though he's suspected in arranging the deaths of several rivals, and setting up the politicians who go after him for scandals of one nature or another. Primarily though, he sticks to money laundering." "So, why are you checking up on him?" Skeemo asked. "He's dealing with Mr. Stripes at the moment, and both of them have asked us to stay out of their dispute." "True, but things change," said Sam. "Something might happen, where we are forced to deal with that shrew, either as an enemy, or as a mutual ally. If we know him, we can predict him." |
| "First let's look at your past." Said Sapphire "When you hatched from your egg you were just a tiny little thing who knew almost nothing except how to eat and swim." "I remember that," Scales said. "No you don't," said Sapphire, "but if you like to think you do that's fine. As you grew in size and experience you developed a conscience. Or you should have developed a conscience. Unfortunately, in your case you did not. You became cruel and uncaring and would hurt other's feelings without giving it a thought." "Yeah. Fun times." "No! Sapphire said. "Fun for you, maybe, but not for those around you." "Who cares about them?" Scales said. "But then you notice something. Birds could fly. Animals could run. But you? You could only swim. You didn't like that." "Who would?" Scales said. |
| "One day..." Said Sapphire "...You knew something was going to happen...You were going to change from female to male." |
| "That's right," Sapphire said. "Even though it was inevitable that you would change from female to male, you didn't like it one bit. You became rebellious and hard to live with. You did some very nasty things." "Oh pshaw!" Scales said. "Nasty? Like what?" |
| "Like killing your Mom and Dad in their own bed." Said Sapphire The scene changed and instantly they were back in the past with newly male Scales, approaching his sleeping folks with a dagger in one fin... |
| "Did you have to bring that up?" Scales asked. "How'd you get this? I'm sure that there were no cameras there." |
| "It's a reenactment," Sapphire said, "but a good one." They watched as Scales murdered his parents. Scales watched with a blank face and no emotion. "Look at you!" Sapphire said. "Even today you show no signs of remorse!" "What can I say? They were lousy parents." |
| "After they were dead you were next in line to become CEO of Kelp Inc." Said Sapphire, there you met a handsome Mangrove Fish...And you wanted to be his partner but you were already male." |
| "Yeah, really difficult," said said Scales. "He wasn't even bisexual, so that idea went out the window." |
| "But it made you even more bitter than before," Sapphire said. "Your prejudices became worse. You never had liked salmon people, just because they tended to be more athletic and have a better sense of rhythm. Now you jumped at any excuse to bad mouth them." |
| "And here we come to you planting a Kelp Farm on the Salmon People's ocean space." Said Sapphire |
| "You'll find out when you are haunted by the Ghost of the Present," Sapphire said, and quietly slipped out in a ghostlike way. "More ghosts?" Scales said. "I don't deserve this!" "He's all yours," Sapphire said to Skeemo. "How do I look?" he replied. "Like a hobo on heroin." "Good enough." Skeemo slipped into Scales' bedchamber. "I am the Ghost of the Present," he moaned. "Not another one!" Scales said. |
| "Hey, wait until you see the Ghost of the Future," said Skeemo. "The last guy that angered him, he actually had them experience their potential punishment, to a certain degree of course." |
| "You don't scare me," Scales said. "Then I will just lightly skip over the part about how you are currently a threat to the community. You must change your ways, Scales, or something very bad will happen to you." "Oooo, what will that be?" "I'll let the Ghost of the Future explain," Skeemo said. "And remember, the good deed you do for someone today may become the good deed someone does for you tomorrow." "Oh, puh-leeze!" |
| The Ghost of the Future appeared, his face had an illusion over it, because his face was so recognizable to someone who had some who had seen him once, Sam currently had the appearance of an entirely skeletal wolf And just so happened Scales was secretly terrified of Skeletons |
| "What are you?" Scales asked, reaching for a drawer on his bedstand. Moving quickly, Sam reached the bedstand, and yanked the drawer out, causing the objects to land on the floor with a series of loud thunks. Sam glanced at them, and looked at Scales. "And my friends call me paranoid." Scales watched as the creature bent down, and picked up a S&W 500 revolver. "This would do some damage," said the skeletal being. "Then there's the Eagle, and more than a few others. Oh, and a single-shot percussion-cap Philadelphia Derringer - did you expect the ghost of Abraham Lincoln to show up?" "I have a few enemies that want me dead," said Scales. "So I've heard," the skeletal wolf said, as it proceeded to remove the bullets from the revolver, 4 of them. "At least you're weapon smart, and didn't load all five chambers. Got to leave a space for the hammer to fall on." The creature looked at Scales. "So, what do you think I am?" "My worst nightmare?" Scaled said, nervously. "Actually, I'm just before that," said the creature. "Your worst is what Satan's Head Chef is planning for you - something involving frying you up with garlic butter and lemon." The creature placed a bony finger on its jaw, as if in thought. "Actually, fried fish with garlic and lemon would sound good. I hope he leaves a portion for me." "Is that to be my fate?" Scales asked. "That's only part of it," said Sam. "There's a few steps before that. Getting caught, like a fish, from the Lake of Fire, with a big hook in your mouth, then there's the cutting, and gutting, and everything else. Lots of trouble." |
| "Alright," Scales said, "so maybe you are scaring me. Why? What do you want?" "A change of behavior," said the Ghost of the Future. "I know it will be hard, but you are going to convert from being a bad guy to being a good guy." "And just how am I going to do that?" "You can start by guaranteeing the salmon people a percentage of your kelp harvest." "What?! That's outrageous!" |
| "You deliberately planted Kelp on their land so you could have a reason to exterminate them." Said Sam |
| "And why should I do anything to help them?" Scales asked. Sam grinned, showing off his teeth. "I'm glad you asked." He grabbed the fish, pulled him out of bed, and threw him through the wall. As Scales tried to pick himself up, Sam walked over to him. "What the hell was that for? You could have killed me!" The skeleton wolf looked at his claws. "Oh, you'd be surprised at what you can live through." He then pulled out a knife, and stabbed Scales in the shoulder, causing the fish to scream out in pain. "What do you want?" Scales cried out. "To make you see the suffering you've done to others," said Sam. "For that is my job. I'll make you suffer as each of your victims suffered, for that's within my power." "But, won't that kill me?" Scales asked. "You wish," said Sam. "You're in my world, and in my world, there is no death, only suffering." |
| "Alright!" Scales said. "Alright! I don't have any choice but to agree to your terms." "It has to be a real agreement," Sam said. "Not a sham agreement. If you fail to keep up your side you will be killed. It's as simple as that." 'You're a bully," Scales said. "And you are not?" Sam replied. "Fight power with power, I always say." |
| Sam grabbed the remote, and turned off the television near them. "I'll call it real news when there isn't a mayor that's having an affair." "Hey! We were watching that!" complained the customers in the booth next to them. "And my policy is not to discuss politics at mealtimes," Sam said, turning to look at the other customers. The people at the other table turned to face their heads towards a television that was farther away. Sam scoffed. "Good riddance." "You know, that report could of been important," said Skeemo. "No, it isn't," said Sam. "A person's sex life should not be news. Now, if the person was under-aged, then it would be important. As it is, if both of them are consenting adults, and so long as it isn't rape, it doesn't bother me." "And, if this guy should hire us to be his bodyguards?" Sapphire asked. "Then we would do our job and protect him from harm," said Sam. "I'm just not interested in his sex life. Hell, some of those news people should get a sex life of their own." Skeemo chuckled at this. "You have that right." At this, a female rabbit wearing a police officer's uniform came into the dinner, looked around, and spotted them. She then walked up to their table. "Samuel Blacktail?" Sam slowly turned his head, and looked at her, the rabbit's face growing pale as she looked at him. He then turned his back, so that she could only see his good side, which seemed to calm her down a bit. "I see the stories weren't, exaggerated," she said. "What do you want of me, Officer...." "Penny, Officer Penny Cottontail, newly transferred to the Las Vegas Police Department," the rabbit said. "Temporarily on loan from the Boston Police Department actually." "I see," said Sam. "What do you want?" "I'm following a case, one that seems to be an exact copy of one that you were the lead officer on." Sam lifted an eyebrow. "I'm listening." |
| Penny Cottontail cast a glance at Skeemo and said to Sam, "In private, if you don't mind." "It's okay," Sam said. "This is one of my partners, Skeemo Saab." "I would still rather discuss it with just you." "Go ahead," Skeemo said. Sam shrugged and he and Penny got up headed for a private booth. Skeemo switched the TV channel back to the news broadcast. "Yay!" said the customers in the next booth. The weasel reporter was summing up his story... |
| Sam and Penny sat in their booth, with a set of doors sealing them off from the other customers. "So, what is the situation?" Sam asked. Penny got out a folder, and handed it to the wolf. Sam opened it up. "Series of jewelry store robberies. Take place at night. Thief temporary disables security devices before entering, reactivates them after leaving. Aside from shoeprints, leaves no evidence of physical presence, except for the missing jewelry. Suspect is believed to be wearing a special suit." He closed the folder. "How does it pertain to me?" "This person's work is exactly the same as Alexander Chovski's, the thief you managed to arrest at a Mackies restaurant," Penny said, as she pulled out another folder, with the German Shepherd's Prison Photo paper-clipped to it. Sam opened up the folder. "Yeah, I remember him. Works as a Bond Recovery agent for Brian O'Greadly these days. I run into him every now and then. He's got a wife and a few kids. I doubt he'd be doing this sort of thing again." "His alibis for the times the robberies occur check out," said Penny. "One occurred while he was in the station, getting the papperwork for a mugger filled out, so that he could collect the hundred dollar check that came with the man's arrest." "Yeah, hard to rob some place while you are at the police station," said Sam. "Still, he might have an idea on who the guy is. After all, I never did find the outfit he wore during the robberies." "Do you think he still has it?" Penny asked. "Only if the wife didn't toss it out while he spent seven and a half years behind bars." |
| Lenny Lizard sat at his kitchen table drinking straight whiskey. "Those reporters are all assholes. How dare they ask me all those questions." His drinking companion was Wendy Wart, a toad whore. "You did good, honey. They didn't break you. Did you really have an affair with that human girl?" "What do you think? Do you think some human girl wants a reptile penis inside her?" "Why not?" Wendy said. "A penis is a penis." "Aw, you're just a whore. What do you know." Wendy stifled her first instinct which was to throw her drink in his face and rub wart juice on him. Instead, she just smiled and took another long drink. |
| Sam left the private booth he'd been sitting in, walked over to his friends, and put down the money he owed for the meal. "I'll be by the office later." He then went outside, and started on down the sidewalk. He heard something, and turned his head, to find Penny trying to catch up to him. "So, what are you going to do about Chovski, Mr. Blacktail?" the rabbit asked. "There's a little cafe he likes to visit," said Sam. "And please, call me Sam. I'm not big on formality." "Well, what is the plan?" Penny asked. "Just general talk," said Sam. "See if he's heard anything unusual." "Why not ask him if he's up to his old ways?" Penny asked. "Because, tomorrow all of the local bounty hunters, are going to have a nice little get-together," said Sam. "More importantly, he's the Host." It was then, that a limo parked on the side of the street opened a door, and a polar bear stepped out. "In car, now," the bear said. "Both of you." "And if we don't want to?" Penny asked. Sam said, quietly. "Best do as he says." The wolf and the rabbit got into the limo, where they located two more polar bears, plus a certain shrew. "Padre Grande," said Sam. "How was your daughter's wedding?" "I wish to thank you on your recommendation on that florist," the shrew said. "My daughter loved the flowers. For that, you have my thanks." The shrew snapped his fingers. "Borris, vino." The one polar bear got out a bottle, a few wine glasses, and started pouring. "Um, I'm on duty," Penny said. "My apologies," said Padre Grande. "Borris, water for the officer." The bear took a bottle of water, and filled the third glass with that. The bear then handed out the glasses. "To your daughter's health," Sam said, as he held up the glass. "May she grant me many nipoti, to continue my line," said Padre Grande. "And may she have plenty of children," Penny said, nervously, as she held her glass. The shrew nodded, and drank his glass, Sam and Penny following suit. "Now, to business. I'm the victim of a very serious crime." "Why not go to the police instead of kidnapping us?" Penny asked. Padre Grande glanced at the rabbit. "I own property that shopkeepers rent from me. Several of them have been robbed, and that is not good for business." "I see," said Sam. The shrew was into money laundering, and obviously used said shops as fronts. "We'll see what we can do." "You have my thanks." |
| Later, when Penny and Sam were alone again, Penny said, "Do you suppose there is a connection between the robberies Padre Grande is complaining about and the pseudo-Chovski robberies?" "I do suppose that," Sam said, "and I will tell you why, but first I want to run a little check on the database to be sure I have my facts straight. Let's use the office computer." At Lenny Lizard's house, a strange event was unfolding. A being made of shadow had appeared in Lenny's kitchen. "Do you see that?" Lenny said. "See what?" Wendy said, looking where Lenny was pointing. "It's your refrigerator." "No! That shadow thing! That dark creature!" "Hey, calm down. I think you've had enough to drink." |
| Sam and Penny stopped at the cafe that Chovski liked to hang out at. Sam spotted him at a table, having coffee. "Keep quiet," Sam said. "I don't know if Alex is watching someone, but if he is, we don't want to spook them." "Why's that?" Penny asked. "Because it leads to less money in his bank account, especially if his prey gets away," Sam said. "No hunter wishes to share the same game, as it were, unless necessary." "Like when all of you hunted down that serial killer Trotter?" Penny asked. "In that situation, there was no time to discuss who was going to take the credit for the capture of that pig," said Sam. "The lives of a good woman, and a reverend, were at stake." "I've read the reports on that situation," said Penny. "You and the woman share a connection of some sort." "We're engaged," said Sam. |
| It wasn't long before Chovski noticed Sam and motioned him over. "Hello," Sam said. "I wasn't sure if you were working or playing. Didn't want interrupt anything." "No problem," Chovski said. "I've got nothing going on in here, but there is something I want to talk to you about." "Me too," Sam said. "Maybe we'll get lucky and it's the same topic." Lenny Lizard grabbed Wendy's arm. "Tell me you don't see that! It just smiled at me!" "I'm sorry, hon," Wendy said, "but I don't see anything. It's just the liquor, baby. I knew this one guy that would hallucinate like crazy when he had a few belts in him." "It's not the liquor! There is something... right... there!" Lenny poked at the shadow figure but his finger just went right through it. "Dammit! It's like dark smoke or something." |
| Back at the Cafe, Sam got Penny to show Chovski the photos. "What do you think, Alex?" Sam asked. The German shepherd looked at them. "I've ran into this guy before. He's, interesting, if you take my meaning." "Explain?" said Sam. "He isn't one person," said Chovski. "He's a whole bunch of them." "What do you mean?" Penny asked. "He's little more than a colony of flies, a whole bunch of them," said Chovski. "They tend to take after whomever's in charge of the colony. Got into a scrap with him over a diamond before I got put away. Met up with him afterwards. Decent person, for the most part. I'll say this, you can't lay a hand on him, without his permission. Try to grab him, or punch him, or anything, and you just go right through. Then, he can trap you, and do some damage." "So, how would you best him?" Sam asked. "Extreme heat or cold would do the trick," said Chovski. "That or make him argue with himself." "Does he have a name?" Penny asked. "They call themselves Francis Collective," said Chovski. |
| "That's extremely strange, Chovski," Sam said. "Are you sure you haven't been having X-Files dreams?" Chovski shook his head. "Sam, I'm telling you the straight poop. This character actually exists. He could be the world's greatest thief if he wanted to, but apparently he only robs when he needs money to survive on." "How does he survive? What does he eat? Where does he live?" "All a mystery, Sam. I'll ask around but I'm pretty sure nobody knows the details of this guy's home life, if he even has one. Maybe he sleeps in a tree or something." "Chovski, you better not be yanking my chain on this." "Francis Collective, Sam. Check it out." In Lenny Lizard's kitchen, the smokey shadow creature was floating in front of Lenny's refrigerator. "Mind if I get a snack, Lenny?" it said. Lenny turned to Wendy. "Godammit, Wendy, you didn't hear that?" Wendy started crying. "I don't want to hear it! I don't want to see it! It doesn't exist! It can't exist!" "Alright, alright, calm down. You're in denial. That's the problem. It's too much for you to handle." The shadow was making itself a jelly sandwich. "I love jelly!" it said. Now that Lenny was calmer and not quite as drunk and able to look closer at the thing, he thought maybe it was more like a swarm of dust than a shadow. It seemed to be made of many very tiny particles that were flying around in a random way but staying in one general space. |
| "What are you?" Lenny asked. "Some call me a thief," the shadow said. "Others don't know what to make of me. I am many, and yet I am one." |
| "Are you a hallucination?" Lenny asked. "What do you think?" said the shadow. "I don't know what to think. One question: Why the hell are you in my kitchen eating my bread and my jelly?" "I told you," said the shadow. "Among other things, I'm a thief. It's what I do. Now, if you will excuse me, I need something to drink. Ah! Milk! It makes a body feel good!" Lenny watched with horror as a long finger of shadow squirmed its way into the milk container. Lenny whispered to Wendy, "Remind me to throw out the milk after that thing leaves." Sam and Penny and Skeemo and Sapphire sat in the offices of Felcanrod and Associates. "That's a wild one," Skeemo said. "So this Francis Collective thing is like a swarm of gnats?" "Even tinier," Penny said. "You would have to have excellent eyesight to see the individual flies." "Flypaper," Sapphire said. "We put out lots of flypaper." "Do they even still make flypaper?" Skeemo asked. "I remember my great grandmother had some. Nasty stuff. Finally we convinced her to stop throwing her garbage out at the back of the yard and maybe she wouldn't have so many flies." The TV was on and a newscaster was saying... ...Disgraced Forest Town mayor Lenny Lizard claims to have seen a mysterious shadow creatures eating a jelly sandwich in his kitchen.... The newscaster turned to his co-anchor... Sounds like somebody might have made too many trips to the punch bowl. Hahaha! The co-anchor looked puzzled. Punch bowl? I don't get it.... "Did you hear that?" Penny said. "I think we should visit Lenny Lizard and find out what he saw. " |
| Sapphire then looked at Aziza "What do you think?" "I think Lenny is actually seeing spirits." Said the Rhino |
| "Don't bring them up," said Sam. "I dislike those types of crazy cases. I dislike dealing with supernatural stuff. Genetically engineered things I get. Aliens, I get. Clouds of flies with a hive mind I can get. I mean, we've got a flea and an alien on the staff, along with a psychic mouse who is a hacker. I hope that they are enjoying their vacations." "Why do you dislike the supernatural cases?" Skeemo asked. "Had a case in New Orleans that involved a Voodoo Witch Doctor," said Sam. "I'd rather not go through the experience again, especially the part involving fleas." |
| "Now what is it?" Lenny said when they arrived at his house. "I've told th epolice everything I have to say." "This isn't about your personal problems," Penny said. "It's about that shadow creature you saw in your kitchen." "What? You actually believe me?" "Were you lying?" "No!" Lenny said, "It's the truth. There was some kind of thing in my kitchen and it ate my jelly. Said it was a thief among other things." "Could you characterize it as resembling a swarm of gnats?" Skeemo asked. "I suppose so if they were really small gnats." Skeemo looked at Penny. "That sounds like the Francis Collective alright." Penny looked puzzled. "But why do something as petty as rob a jelly sandwich?" She turned to Lenny. "It didn't take anything else, did it?" "Drank some of my milk," Lenny said. "And I needed that for my stomach ulcer." |
| "If you think I physically dealt with ghosts, you're a little off there," said Sam. "Dealt with a guy that claimed to talk to them. I don't know if he was the real deal, or a con man who was smart enough not to charge people large sums of money for his talents of keen observation. It was a situation involving a missing child. I took up the case to distract me from my own grief at the time. As for this guy, maybe he needed the money, maybe he cared about the kid more than the police did, or maybe he was better than the police at finding things." "What happened?" Sapphire asked. "Found the kid, alive, and sent his kidnapper to prison for a long time," said Sam. "And the part involving the Voodoo Witch Doctor?" Skeemo asked. "That involved a woman that this con man was seeing, who turned out to be married to said Voodoo Doctor, and said Bastard said that I was the one seeing his wife," said Sam. "I may do a lot of things, but I never sleep with a married woman, unless of course it's part of their Code of Hospitality, like it is in some places around the world." "And the fleas?" Sapphire asked. "The Witch Doctor threw some powder on me, and said that I was Cursed," said Sam. "Turns out that said powder was really a bunch of fleas." |
| Lenny said, "Why are you guys so interested in this shadow thing?" "It's becoming a nuisance," Sam said. "You're not the only one who got robbed." The next day at the office of Felcanrod and Associates, Sam, Skeemo, Sapphire, and Penny were having an early morning meeting when in walked a familiar face, Sally the Flea. "Sally!" Sapphire said. "Did you have a good vacation?" "I'll say!" Sally said. "Spent three weeks living on the back of an Irish Wolfhound in a Manhattan penthouse. Pure luxury. I would probably still be there if he hadn't been scheduled for his monthly flea dip." "I'm glad you're back," Skeemo said. "We've got a case involving a criminal who is about your size." "No kidding?" Sally said. "A flea perp? Alright! Tell me more." After hearing the details, Sally said, "So this Francis Collective is a swarm of a zillion flies that assumes different personalities? And you want me to infiltrate the swarm?" "If you can," Skeemo said. "I realize you don't look like the flies in the collective." "Don't worry about that." Sally said. "I was in a flea circus for seven years before I joined Felcanrod. I know a thing or two about cosmetics, make-up, and disguises, but how do I find this shadow?" "We're setting up a trap baited with jelly. Turns out Francis is very fond of jelly." "If it's a trap," Sally said, "why don't you just lock this thing in a box?" "It's not an airtight trap," Skeemo said, "and the collective could escape through the smallest hole. We haven't figured out a way yet to make a trap that would be open and yet close quickly enough to actually trap the collective." "Bah!" Sally said. "It shouldn't be that hard. Put the trap in a tunnel and when the trap closes the tunnel closes also." "That's a good idea, but in the meantime..." "I know. Infiltrate. OK, set up the jelly. I'll work on my disguise." |
| (I'll be using Google Translate for the French language thing.) It was at that moment, that Sam's phone rang. "Samuel Blacktail, of Felcanrod and Associates," he said. "No case too large or too small." "Bonjour, mon vieil ami. Ca faisait longtemps depuis ce temps nous avons travaillé ensemble à la Nouvelle Orléans," said a French accented voice. "Mes amis de l'autre côté me dit que vous avez besoin d'aide." "Hello, my old friend. It's been a long time since that time we have worked together in New Orleans. My friends on the other side tells me that you need help." "Pepe de Fourrure," Sam growled. "You are nothing but an eccentric fraud. You got that information from the news." The wolf heard a chuckle. "Je peux être un excentrique, mais je ne suis pas une fraude. Regardez par la fenêtre." "I can be an eccentric, but I'm not a fraud. Look through the window." Sam turned his head, and saw a skunk standing on the sidewalk, holding a cellphone, waving at him. The wolf growled once more. "I'll let you in, but stick to English. My friends aren't as talented in the language department as I am." The wolf saw the skunk chuckle. "Mais bien sûr, après tout, je ne vois une belle femme à la recherche, qui, autrement, avoir du mal à me comprendre, quand je prévois de lui demander de sortir pour dîner ce soir." "But of course, after all, I don't see a beautiful woman to research, which, otherwise, have trouble to understand me, when I'm planning to ask her out for dinner tonight." Sam noticed that the skunk was looking at Sapphire. "Yeah, but it will be a cold day in Hell before she accepts a date with the likes of you. You're worse that I am when it comes to women. At least I know where I can get one." "Le Bread and Butter Saloon, avec une certaine Susan." Sam growled. "You've been following me?" The skunk smiled. "Pourquoi je ferais ça, quand mes amis fantomatiques peuvent suivre qui ils s'il vous plaît?" "Why I would do that, when my ghostly friends can follow who they please?" Sam growled, as he hung up. "That bastard." "Who was that?" Skeemo asked. "The guy from New Orleans, who claims to talk to ghosts," said Sam. "He's that skunk out there. Goes by Pepe de Fourrure. Likes to speak French, but he can speak English when he as to. He's also good at picking up women, and going to bed with them. When I worked with him during that missing child's case in New Orleans, I saw him pick up three women at a bar, the same bar, at the same time, and take them to his place. I don't know what all he did, as I hadn't bugged his place, but they all left his place satisfied." "Could of just used him as a consultant to talk to their dead relatives," said Skeemo. Sam tapped his nose. "It was a little more than that." |
| "What's this about claiming to talk to ghosts?" Skeemo said. Sam shrugged. "Says he picks up a lot of information from the other side. You know how I feel about that nonsense. If ghosts could talk I would have heard one by now. I've got good hearing." After days of trying, one of the jelly traps was finally successful. When the alarm went off, Sally hurried into her disguise and rushed to the spot. Fortunately, the Francis Collective was still there and she had no trouble slipping in with the thousands of flies. Three days later she was back in Felcanrod's office with her report. "It sleeps at odd hours in odd places, midnight in an old barrel or afternoon in a dumpster. It has no home and no regular pattern of behavior." "What about the jewelry store robberies?" Skeemo said. "Did you see any evidence of that?" "You mean, like jewelry laying around? No, as far as I can tell this creature owns nothing." "Maybe it was aware of you," Skeemo said. "Trying to throw you off the track." "I don't know," Sally said. "I was only with it, not inside it's thoughts, assuming it has thoughts. Maybe someone knows how to control it?" Skeemo nodded his head. "Good point. Maybe the Francis Collective is just a puppet acting for a master thief." |
| "Interesting situation," said Sam. "Too bad none of us are experts on flies." At this, Pepe chuckled. "You know something?" Sam asked. "D'une certaine manière, je suis un expert sur les insectes fantomatiques, y compris les mouches," said Pepe. "Repeat that in English," said Sam. "Alright," the skunk said. "I'm an expert in ghost insects, including flies. They make excellent spies when I'm checking out clients, and potentially dangerous locations." "Do you understand how living flies work?" Sam asked. "From what I know of dead ones, those in a swarm have something of a hive mind," said Pepe. "The one in charge does the thinking, and the rest go along with him, or her. It's like a cult basically. Remove the leader, they have to get a new one, and that one might be very different." |
| Penny had been listening quietly to the conversation. Suddenly she pounded her fist on the table and everyone looked at her. "I say we kill it and see if the robberies stop." "Kill it?" Skeemo said. "Wouldn't that be murder?" "Noooo! It's a swarm of flies! Flies! You think any jury would convict you of killing flies?" "I don't know," Skeemo said. "These days with so many species wandering around and aliens with weird body shapes - who knows who will be on the jury? It might be a fly? I mean, apparently the Francis Collective is an intelligent being of some kind. I wouldn't want to take my chances with a modern jury, flies or not." |
| Just then it was breaking news one owner of the Jewelry Store a Unicorn whose name was Jewel -He was a Stallion , a very effeminate stallion- had been chasing the Francis Collective when he fell from his store and straight on his rump...Onto a Cactus. Jewel was on the news saying "I promise to whoever catches this criminal will get these handmade silver candlesticks, perfect replicas of the ones they used in the Les Miserbles movie." |
| "If that's actual silver, that wouldn't even be worth five hundred dollars," said Sam. "I mean, if it was owned by King Charles the Second, it would be worth like ten thousand, but that's due in part to the name, and the history. A replica of a movie prop, forget it." "Might be nice for a candlelight dinner with Susan," said Skeemo. "I can get something like that made out of steel for thirty dollars," said Sam. "That's without chasing anyone." |
| "Don't be so cynical, Sam," said Penny. "The candlesticks are handmade. I wouldn't mind having them on my dining table. And we are going to be catching the Francis Collective anyway. So I put in my claim now if no one else wants them?" Skeemo said, "You can have them. I don't want them. Guess what? I found the perfect tunnel for a fly trap. It's a drain under Interstate 15. We can rig up steel doors at each end that seal tight and then dump a load of jelly in the middle of the tunnel. SWAT teams can be waiting on the highway above." "How do we get Francis out of the tunnel when he is trapped in there?" Penny asked. "Knock out gas," Sam said. "While he is unconscious we can use a vacuum cleaner to get him." |
| Sapphire introduced Zzrt to Aziza. Zzrt said "I have been learning a lot about Endangered Species while I was on vacation there seems to be a lot of Species who face the dangers of being poached by Humans." "I know." Said Sapphire "So anyway." Said Zzrt and he unpacked his suitcase "I saw something interesting." He took out a poster featuring a slimy, pink alien standing on a podium and the words (For some reason written in English) "GOO-BAH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE?" "Is this a movie poster?" Sam asked "No." Said Zzrt "Goo-Bah is really attempting to become President of the Universe, despite the fact there is no such thing as President of the Universe." |
| "Tell him he's going to need all the luck he can get, and that includes bad luck too," said Sam. "So, anything new?" Zzrt asked. "Got engaged," said Sam. "To whom?" "Susan." "The human female who mates with a lot of males for money?" "That's the one," said Sam. "Interesting choice for a mate." "Say Sam," said Skeemo. "Where's Penny?" "She's with her husband, Nick," said Sam. "Interesting fella." "What do you mean?" Sapphire asked. "Let's just say that there's a reason Jenny used her maiden name of Cottontail when dealing with us." Sam put down a sheet of paper, which showed the prison photo of a fox, who had the look of a charming rogue. "Nick Volpus, aka Nick Zorro, aka Nick the Flash, aka Nick the Fantastic, aka Nick the Red. Real Name, Marion Eugene." Skeemo chuckled at this. "Marion. That's a female name." "You wouldn't say that to the Duke, aka John Wayne, born Marion Robert Morrison," said Sam. "Famous actor in over a hundred Western movies, including True Grit. Practically invented the definition of Badass." "Okay," said Skeemo. "What did this Nick guy do?" "Real confidence man," said Sam. "If you was a rich woman looking for a thrill, he'd give you one, and he was real good at it. Thing is, he'd have a partner taking pictures of the whole thing. Said partner would send an anonymous email with a few photos to the woman, threaten to show the rest to the husband, unless a certain amount of money was transferred to a certain account." "Ah, blackmail," said Skeemo. "Still, the account could be tracked, along with the money." "Not the way they did it," said Sam. "The money would be transferred to over a thousand other accounts, in small amounts mind you, $10 here, $20 there, maybe a grand here if the account that the money was transferred to had a lot of money, and there'd be further transactions, all of which would look normal to those who owned the accounts. Eventually, the money would end up in one of over fifty accounts that the fox and his partner owned. Also, he was smart enough to claim the money on his taxes as Other Income, so he couldn't get arrested for Tax Evasion." "So, how did the police finally catch him for it?" Sapphire asked. "He turned State's Evidence, you might say," said Sam. "Pulled his routine on a woman who turned out to be a hitman for the mob. Said woman killed Nick's partner, and came after him. Penny was the officer assigned to Nick's Protection Detail. Somehow, the details are a little bit of a secret if this file is any indication, they managed to catch the woman. Said woman then turned State's Evidence herself. As for Nick, served four years for extortion, kept up a correspondence with Penny, who visited him every chance she could, and once he was released, they got married by the prison chaplain. Wedding was attended by all the inmates, prison guards, and the entire police force. The things you miss because of fate." |
| "Unusual for a police officer to marry a felon," said Skeemo, "but not unheard of. And a good confidence man can really exude charm." "What is charm?" asked Zzrt. "It's a human thing. It's kind of a combination of being nice, being attractive, being desirable, and being persuasive." "Ohhhh," Zzrt said. "We call that shmek. We might say, ' That one has a lot of shmek. He can talk you into anything'." "Sounds like about the same thing," Skeemo said. "Charm sucks," said Aziza. Skeemo didn't say it but he was thinking if there was anyone who lacked charm it was Aziza. |
| Sapphire started searching on her computer for news "Holy Hairballs!" She exclaimed "What is it?" Asked Sam "This from the Furry Basketball Association, Point Guard Flea Humanimal Tay McKie accused of murdering a former girlfriend, claims innocent." |
| "He probably is, unless his girlfriend was about the same size," said Sam. "I've never known of a sentient flea to actually murder someone, unless you want to count those who have tried to use poison, but said victim usually gets sick before they have any real chance of dying, and usually sees a doctor who can treat them." |
| "That's right!" Sally said. "Fleas are nice. They have charm. They don't murder each other." "Oh, come on!" Skeemo said. "Are you telling me there has never in history been a case of a flea murdering another flea?" |
| "Maybe..." Said Sally, but it only said 'His Former Girlfriend' it didn't say if his girlfriend was another flea!" |
| "I'm surprised that there wasn't some witness that was passing on by," said Sam. "There's usually one in these kinds of things - some are honest, some are trying to make money, and others were the real killer trying to frame an innocent person." At this, the door opened. "Pourquoi ne pas demander à la femme elle-même? (Why not ask the woman herself?)" said a voice with a French accent. Sam glared as he looked at the door, and saw Pepe enter the place. "Because it's a little difficult to talk to a dead woman." The skunk chuckled. "Pas pour moi. (Not for me.)" "What are you doing here?" Sam asked. "Pourquoi, vous et moi sommes voisins. Je viens d'acheter le lieu à travers la rue. (Why, you and me are neighbors. I just bought the place across the street.)" Sam looked out the window, and groaned. The place across the street had "Psychic Connections: Talk to Loved Ones who have Crossed Over" written on its windows, in both English and French. He then looked at the skunk. "So, why are you here? And use English." "Dis s'il vous plaît, et peut-être que je vais utiliser l'anglais. (Say please, and perhaps I will use English.)" Sam groaned. "Please?" "Was that so difficult?" Pepe asked. "To answer your question, I'm here to help. You can't communicate with the dead, but I can. I can tell you what they say, so that they can tell you what happened." "Why are you here?" Sam asked. "Because I was just contacted by said dead ex-girlfriend of said basketball player." "You read the newspaper." "Maybe I did. Doesn't change the fact that she contacted me." |
| "Is she a flea?" Sally asked. "Mais non!" said Pepe. "I mean, no, the girlfriend was not a flea." "Well?" said Skeemo. "What is she? Or what was she?" |
| "Did you get that from the paper?" Sam asked. "Sam, the article didn't say what her species was," said Sapphire. Sam groaned. "Means nothing. He could of done some preliminary research and found out about that before he came here." Pepe grinned. "Always quick to disbelieve that which you can't see, or rather, that which you can't prove. No matter. I can help you find the truth. The real trick of course is proving it." "What do you mean?" Skeemo said. "The dead can tell me how they died, and who killed them," said Pepe. "The problem is locating the evidence that tells the truth about who killed them. I can't just tell the police who did the deed, I have to find the real evidence that points to the real culprit." "In that case, tell us who did it, and we'll handle the rest," said Sam. Pepe grinned. "Ce n'est pas si facile. (It's not that easy.) I can't just do that. Ruins the fun, especially when you look the killer in the eye, and, using your eyes alone, let them know that you know the truth. Fun gets spoiled with a half dozen eyes upon the target - the guy might think we're some sort of lynch mob out to get him, meaning he'll file a Restraining Order, and those are no fun." "So, you know who did it?" Skeemo asked. Pepe nodded. "Now to find the evidence that proves their guilt." "Was it the boyfriend?" Sapphire asked. Pepe grinned. "Where's the fun if I told you if he did it or not? If he did it, he's in the right place. If he didn't, he's in the safest place he can be." |
| "A flea man with a human girlfriend," Sally said. "It's a little bit disgusting. It was probably one of those sick vampire relationships where he fed on her blood at night and she got off on it." "Sally!" Sapphire said. "You don't know that!" "It's happened before," Sally said. "There are tales about it happening that float around the flea community." "What was his name again?" Skeemo asked. "Tay McKie," Sally said. "He plays basketball in the FBA." "I don't watch furry basketball," Skeemo said. "It reminds me too much of mascot dunking." |
| "Something you don't need to know," said Sam. "As for how a Flea and Human do anything, there's some things I don't want to think on. It's one thing when people are of a similar size, with compatible anatomy, but a mammal and an insect, just a little too different for certain things." |
| "To be fair," said Sapphire, "Tay McKie is a humanimal, not a pure insect, so I assume he is bigger than a true flea and has more compatible... er... equipment, shall we say." "It's true," Sally said. "He is a lot bigger than me. Otherwise basketball would be a foolish sport for him to engage in." |
| "So we have our girlfriend who is a Human." Sapphire said as she stroked her chin in thought "Who was this Human? Does she have any family?" |
| "Let's talk to the police on that," said Sam. "If Penny got assigned to this case, she might talk with us." "Thought that she was on loan from the Boston Police Department, and mainly to talk to you," said Sapphire. "Yeah, but she's still around because her husband, Nick, got into trouble," said Sam. "What kind of trouble?" Skeemo asked. "Seems he pulled some moves on the daughter of a certain tiger we all know," said Sam. "I thought that Mr. Stripes only had sons," said Skeemo. "Two in prison, and one he disowned." "That was with his wife," said Sam. "At one point, he also had a mistress, who left him after she got pregnant." "Who knows about the daughter?" Skeemo asked. "I got that out of him during my last visit the other day," said Sam. "Told him about Padre Grande's daughter getting married, and that was when Mr. Stripes told me that said woman was really his daughter." "How did that happen?" Skeemo asked. "The mistress got married, and the husband became a step-father," said Sam. Skeemo and Sapphire looked at each other. "Sounds complicated," said Sapphire. "I'll say," said Sam. "That fox has two of the city's most powerful mobs after him, and Penny's not too happy with him either." "How did that happen?" Skeemo asked. "Nick and Penny have an open relationship you might say," said Sam. The wolf chuckled. "Ran into him at the Bread and Butter Saloon - I can take a guess as to who he visited, because I could smell her on him. Seems that he needed some cash for something special for Penny, and decided to engage in the Oldest Profession, as it were, at the place, and was tested on her." Sapphire rolled her eyes. "So, if Nick and Penny have an open relationship, what's the issue?" "Nick visited the tiger-woman's house, and the husband caught them in bed together, and he was really putting the moves on her." "I see," said Skeemo. "So, let's go visit Penny." |
| "Yes," Penny said. "It's very complicated." "You've got to get Mr. Stripes off my back!" Nick said. "I'm a nervous wreck. I understand you are a friend of his and have some influence?" "Maybe a little," Sam said. "But Mr. Stripes is his own man and does what he likes." Sapphire had been looking around, admiring the unusual art objects that were scattered around on the shelves. She picked up one that seemed to be a small sculpture of some kind of animal. "What is this?" she asked. |
| Sam chuckled. "Nick, I doubt you have much to worry about from either Mr. Stripes, or Padre Grande. About the worse they'll do is have your arms and legs broke. You're not the type either of them would consider worth killing." "I suppose that's a bit of good news," said Nick. Sam then noticed the sculpture Sapphire was holding onto. "That looks like one of those Saber-tooth cats I've heard about." He stepped over, and took a look at it. "Can't say I've seen a humanimal one myself." "You haven't?" Skeemo asked. "My father worked with one who was Special Ops, once, and he took a picture of the guy, but then the camera got broken, and the memory card stolen." "How did that happen?" Skeemo asked. "Father never told me how, and I never asked," said Sam. "Heard the story when he had a little much to drink once. It involved being captured behind enemy lines, working with another prisoner, the saber-tooth, some guys getting killed, a camera, and a trek across the desert. It was part of how he for some of his medals." "Never knew your father was a P.O.W.," said Sapphire. "He doesn't talk much about his time during the service," said Sam. "Given my own experiences, I can't blame him too much." |
| Zzrt came running in and yelled, "Turn on the TV! Goo-Bah is on the move!" The wall screen lit up and a frightened-looking announcer said, "The pentagon confirms that Earth is under attack by flying saucers from outer space!" There was a moment of video distortion and then the announcer's face was replaced with the face of a slimy pink alien. "People of Earth! I am Goo-Bah, the new President of the universe. Soon your planet will be administered by one of my trusted assistants. Do what he tells you. Resistance is futile. Peace out." Then the announcer's face returned. "He took over our broadcast! Is this for real? Stay tuned as we provide continuous coverage of today's amazing events." "Well that sucks," Skeemo said. "I knew Goo-Bah was a problem," Zzrt said, "but I had no idea he would become so powerful so quickly." |
| The Small Animal Sculpture Sapphire had been admiring turned out to be a wyvern. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wyvern After Goo-Bah's speech the sculpture began to grow larger and flap it's wings |
| "Talk about looking at a bad light," said Sam. "I thought that thing was a feline, not a dragon-thing!" |
| "Whatever it is, it's enchanted!" said Sapphire. "Somehow Goo-Bah's speech triggered that reaction," Skeemo said. "It's probably some alien artifact. You know I don't believe in magic. Where did you get that figurine, Penny?" She looked puzzled. "I'm not sure. You know what? I don't remember how I got it! Isn't that odd?" |
| "You got me at a Flea Market, last Spring for three dollars," said the creature. "And it cost King Author a ship filled with the finest timber England had to offer in order to get me. How the value of things change." |
| "But you were only worth 3 dollars at the flea market," Penny said. "You were just a cheap figurine with a chipped base. How was anyone to know you were magical?" "How indeed?" said the Wyvern. "But you know it now, eh? Before I go, I want to leave this message with you: All hail Goo-Bah, President of the Universe! After that thunderous exclamation the dragon flapped its wings and flew out the window with a crash of broken window frame and the tinkling of falling glass. They all covered their heads with their arms. Penny yelled, "I have a door, you know!" |
| Goo-Bah meanwhile was in his spaceship, watching his takeover unfolding as he beamed with pride |
| "To think, today started with a flea being accused of murdering his girlfriend," said Sam. |
| "Some days are boring and some days are adventure-packed," said Skeemo. "What's cool about today is we have a good shot at being the ones to save the universe." "How so?" asked Sam. "Look at the team we've assembled... You and me and Sapphire and an alien, a psychic, and a flea. We've got every possibility covered." "What about me?" asked Aziza. "You're not an associate," Skeemo said. "But I'm here and I can do stuff." "Alright, you can be our tank and our battering ram." "Awesome!" said the rhinoceros girl. |
| "I've been thinking." Sapphire said "When all of us are too old to keep doing this stuff, who is going to take our place?" |
| "Yeah, but let's worry about that one later," said Sam. "Right now, we have an Alien Invasion to put a stop to, to say nothing about a murder to solve." "Us, stop an alien invasion?" Skeemo asked. "No one hired us to do that." "True, but I know the guy who can," said Sam. "A Doctor Richard Davidson, or Crazy Dave as most people prefer to call him." "Some sort of Mad Scientist?" Sapphire asked. "Yeah, but he doesn't work for terrorist or criminal organizations, or anyone like that," said Sam. "This guy is a Genetics Engineer, and Genetics Manipulator." "What?" Sapphire asked. "He makes Genetically Modified Organisms." "Isn't that illegal to do that sort of stuff to people?" Sapphire asked. "Yes, but not to plants. He turns them into weapons, among other things." "Wait, is he like that guy in that game Plants Vs. Zombies?" Skeemo asked. "The one where you plant modified plants to protect your house from hordes of zombies?" "That's where he got the inspiration from," said Sam. "He figured, 'Why create weapons that could be dangerous for decades, when I can create something that will only last for a few months at most?' Well, he managed to do it. Name your typical vegetable garden plant, and he's turned it into a weapon." "Isn't that sort of thing dangerous?" Sapphire asked. "What if they breed? What if they last longer than a few months?" "As long as you don't harm the plants, you're fine," said Sam. "And even if you do do something stupid, like trying to cut them down, or burn them out, about the worse that could happen to you is find yourself encased in something like a peapod, and asleep for about 24 hours. These plants like to use sleeping gas or objects with the same weight as a soft ball against a person's arms and legs. They are not made to kill. They also know who is friend, and who is foe, especially if you don't harm them. Give them water and fertilizer, you're fine. Collect fruits and vegetables from them, you're fine. Trim off dead branches and you're fine. Try to destroy a living plant, or those that they've been made to protect, or those they've deemed to be a friend, you end up in trouble." "Alright," said Skeemo. "Let's give this guy a call." "Thing is, he needs to be paid in seeds," said Sam. |
| "Seeds?" Skeemo said, his whiskers curled up in surprise. "Yeah," said Sam. "Seeds from his creations. We can use the plants, but we have to give him any seeds they produce." "I'm fine with that." Crazy Dave's Laboratories was a fenced in compound of about ten acres. They were stopped at the entrance by a guard who called the main office and then let them through. They passed by several greenhouses, some metal storage buildings, and then parked in front of a plain-looking office building. Crazy Dave wore black glasses and had his dark hair cut in an inch-high brush cut. Skeemo thought he looked like a jazz musician and on impulse asked, "Do you play any instrument?" "Saxophone!" Dave said. "Do you play?" "No," Skeemo said. "I just listen." After a few more minutes of small talk, they got down to business. On a large monitor, Dave started flipping through his creations. "Throat Throttling Turnips," he said. "They pop out of the ground and wrap their stalks around the victim's throat." "That's just strange," said Skeemo. "Exploding Eggplants," Dave continued. "They look innocent enough, but... POW!" "I like that one," Sam said. "And then we have the Kung Fu Bok Choy. This one was very difficult to do. In general, plants don't like to go through any motions, but this one knows three killer martial arts moves. I've tested it against human champions and the Bok Choy won." |
| The scientist walked up to one of the plants, which looked like some sort of green vase on a vine. "This one is the product of my earliest experiments." He then rubbed the plant, which made a sound of affection. "Friendly, breeds quickly, easy to move around, and very accurate. I give you, the Peashooter." "How accurate?" Sam asked. Dave walked over to a desk, and opened a crate. "Biodegradable training targets. Or, in plain English, baked mud and fertilizer." He picked up one of the objects, which was about the size of a saucer plate, and threw it. The plant watched it, carefully turning its head, made a sound as if it was about to throw up, and out of its mouth flew a pea that was the size of a softball. Within a blink of an eye, the plate was shattered before it hit the ground. "That wasn't even twenty feet," said Sam. "How far can they shoot, accurately that is?" "Using tests involving ballistics jell and bone stimulant, among other things to represent the average body, they can break a human femur at two hundred feet, and they can hit the target ninety percent of the time," said Dave. "And the other ten percent?" Sam asked. "That's where the other dozen or so you have come in," said Dave. "Odds are highly unlikely that whomever their shooting at will dodge them all." "I suppose that's a start," said Sam. "What else you have?" Dave chuckled. "Let me pull up my monitor, and you can get a good look at them." (Here's a list of the plants from both Plants Versus Zombies and Plants Versus Zombies 2: It's About Time. You can use them as the basics.) http://plantsvszombies.wikia.com/wiki/Plants_(PvZ)#List_of_plants http://plantsvszombies.wikia.com/wiki/Plants_(PvZ2) |
| "Stop!" said Sam. "What's that ugly-looking one?" Crazy Dave paused the monitor. "That, my friend, is the Doomshroom, the foulest toadstool the world has ever seen. Inhale a few of its spores and you will be doubled over vomiting. Your head will spin. Your knees will feel weak. An effective fighter you will not be." Sam grinned. "I like it." |
| Meanwhile Goo-Bah was giving a pep talk to his army of Android Soldiers "Remember!" Said Goo-Bah "That when you serve me you Androids shall be granted virtual immortality knowing that you served me!" One Android however known as X-22 wasn't so sure about Goo-Bah's promises |
| Sam looked at the various plants. As he had told his teammates, the scientist had created a lot of Genetically Engineered plants, and variations. For instance, when it came to the pea based plants, in addition to the standard Peashooter, there was one that fired ice balls, another fired fire balls, some fired multiple balls quickly, some fired several at once. There were things like giant Venus fly-traps that could easily grab and swallow something the size of a man. Others breathed fire, or ice. Some were like catapults, only throwing cabbages, or corn, or butter, or watermelons, or frozen watermelons. Furthermore, they didn't require someone to give them ammunition, they just produced it on their own. "What you have here almost boggles the mind," said Sam. "If nothing else, you've probably solved World Hunger, and made getting vegetables fun." "That's one way to put it," said Dave. "I never have to worry about anyone trying to steal the plants either - they can protect themselves, and those around them." "And, they won't kill anyone?" Sam asked. "First thing I made sure of when I made them," said Dave. "You don't even have to worry about food allergies either. Once the target is unable to move, the plants produce a nice little gas that puts said target to sleep, so that the proper authorities can pick up the intruder with no problems. Granted the person might have a broken leg, but that's better than the alternative." "I suppose," said Sam. "What about robots?" Zzrt asked. "I wouldn't know," said Dave. "Most would-be intruders that try to break into my lab are of the biological humanoid variety. I do know this, if these plants believe that something is a threat, they will fight to protect those they care about. I remember one time a bear broke in, a regular bear that is, looking for food. It saw me, and attacked, I was pinned to the ground, it's teeth and claws digging into me, trying to turn me into nothing but meat to add fat to its belly, and I was unable to even yell for help. The plants saved me. They began spitting peas, corn, melons, and more, and caused that bear to get out of here. They then watched over me until the guards came in for their shift. They are very faithful." |
| "That is so cool," Skeemo said. "I want to keep some of these as pets at my apartment." "They don't come cheap," Dave said. "We'll need a lot of them to stop the alien invasion. Maybe we could get a quantity discount?" "Maybe so," Dave said. "Have you decided on which plants you want? It takes time to breed them and I can't do them all at once." |
| "Do you need the ones you have?" Sam asked. "Having mature ones help when it comes to seed production, in so that I don't have to start from scratch," said Dave. "That being said, I do have, lets see, carry the two, subtract a hundred, add three hundred, easily ten thousand plants." Skeemo's eyes widened at this. "Talk about having a green thumb." "Well, I am something of a proud father," said Dave. "If you had to, how many could you spare, keeping back what you need for breeding purposes and those that are not mature enough for fighting?" Sam asked. Dave did some motions with his fingers, as if writing on an invisible chalkboard. "You can have eight thousand, thirty-nine plants." "Can you honestly spare them?" Sam asked. "I'd hate to part with them," said Dave. "But every parent has to let their children leave the garden, and grow roots someplace else." "Okay," said Sam. "How would we transport them?" "In the manner as you would transport a ten foot tall three, that's got its roots that is." "Do you have a fleet of trucks on stand-by?" Skeemo asked. "I do know of some professional plant movers," said Dave. "Though this will be unlike anything they've ever dealt with. Four hundred foot tall Redwoods and Sequoias are nothing like these. After all, these things posses a degree of intelligence, at least that of a non-Humanimal dolphin, if not higher." |
| Buster Rickles, a middle-aged Blobulan, stared at the public notice being written in the sky with red smoke. "What? Identity cards for everyone? Mandatory work assignments! I think maybe my voting for Goo-Bah for president was a mistake!" Sam and Skeemo rode in the lead vehicle of a convoy of trucks. Crazy Dave's plants would need to be distributed in the best places where they could mount an effective defense. I'm still worried about their ability to deal with non-biological attackers, like robots," Skeemo said. |
| "I know what you mean," said Sam. "A 9-mil round has very little chance of going through your basic ballistics vest. However, fire a dozen of them at the same spot, you'll kill the person wearing the vest. That's how a number of these plants seem to work. On their own, they act like a deterrent. With a bunch of friends though, including those with other abilities, to say nothing about having mobile allies, they just might do the job." |
| Goo-Bah had his sights set on Earth, labeled the most important planet though no one would tell him why |
| Goo-Bah was creating an army of Blobulans to invade earth. The Blobulans were not the galaxy's best fighters, because they were so blobby, but they did take to training fairly well. Many of them became dedicated to the military because there wasn't much else to do on Blobula except be a farmer or a shopkeeper and the military was more exciting. The Crazy Dave convoy entered a little valley where Dave suggested they set out a few Doomshrooms. "The valley will help contain their spores in the area and increase their concentration and effectiveness. Let's also leave a few Pea Shooters to defend the Doomshrooms." |
| Goo-Bah used a conveyor belt because that was faster. Blobulan soldiers yelled "Wheeee!" as they whizzed across the spaceport and up into the ship. Sam and Dave and friends dug the holes, planted the plants, and moved on. "Next stop Suburbia!" Dave said. |
| "I just hope this whole thing works," said Sam. "This was your idea," said Skeemo. "I didn't realize we'd be planting these things." |
| As Goo-Bah's ship arrived at Earth a Grizzled and Crazy Old Man took his shotgun and started firing at the ship |
| Goo-Bah laughed. "Is this their best defense?" But when Blobulan soldiers poured from the ship, they were engulfed in a cloud of Doomshroom spores and dropped dead like flies. "Abort! Abort!" yelled the mission commander and the ship lifted off Earth again. "What the hell was THAT?" Goo-Bah said. |
| "Vicious plant-life, sir," said the Commander. Meanwhile, Dave looked at an alarm that was going off. "Okay, attack on Sector A. Sam, Skeemo, Sapphire, we'll go check it out, assess damages, and replace those that have been damaged. The rest of you, carry on with the mission." "What do we do with the damaged ones?" Sam asked. "The ones that can survive will be taken Home to heal," said Dave. "As for those who won't, well, not every plant makes it. Their remains will make good food for the rest, though I kind of prefer to stay with them until it's time to turn them into pulp." Soon, they came to the valley, and Dave noticed the spores. "Put on your Respirator Masks. You don't want to breath that stuff in." "Deadly?" Sam asked, as he grabbed a Respirator mask. Dave laughed. "Only if these guys hit their head on a rock as they fell to the ground. It's a sleeping powder, and helps to disperse the Doomshroom's seeds, as it were. These guys might look dead, but they should be fine within a day or so. Gives us a few prisoners, as it were." "Alright," said Sam. "Let's get to work." |
| As they captured the Slimy Pink Aliens that had been killed by the doom spores, Sapphire saw something in the cloud, something that looked like....A T. Rex in a space suit. The Dinosaur Creature approached them "I am Cyberstar! I come from the future!" |
| "What do you want?" Skeemo asked. "I want to end this nightmare," Cyberstar said. "I am part of a project to change the history of the earth. I come from a timeline where Goo-Bah was successful and the earth was damaged forever. Civilization went into a decline and things got pretty horrible. Fortunately, a small group of underground scientists were able to develop intelligent dinosaurs and time travel, all for the purpose of undoing what Goo-Bah had done." "Why dinosaurs?" Skeemo asked. "Because the scientists discovered reptiles had the best chance to defeat Goo-Bah. There wasn't enough time to create a new species so they just used some old DNA." "What do you want us to do?" Skeemo asked. "Nothing," said Cyberstar. "I'm just warning you. I'm going even further in the past to make the change, but when I eliminate Goo-Bah, it's going to throw the history of your timeline completely out of whack. It will be quite a jolt to you. I don't want you to think you are going crazy." "What should we expect?" "A universe without Goo-Bah in it," Cyberstar said. "Everything having to do with him will change or vanish. Most other stuff should remain relatively unchanged." "Will we remember Goo-Bah?" "It will be like a dream that fades away." |
| "Sounds like that one Futurama episode involving a guy from the future running for president," said Sam. "What happened?" Sapphire asked. "Crazy time loophole thing," said Sam. "He undid what would happen, but his then-self was never sent back into the past, which lead to things being reset. That and no one could even remember his name afterwards, because no one remembers the name of the guy that looses an election." |
| So Cyberstar went back in time and everything was fixed. Chapter Four Meanwhile in the Downtown Los Angeles the Cathedral for the Interspecies Dimensional Church, the Bell ringer was a deformed Fishing Cat https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fishing_cat Instead of being sleek an streamlined like a cat should be, he was born with a hunch back a face where one eye was bigger then the other and his left leg was smaller then the other. Fortunately he was very strong and could climb the Bell tower using only his claws. Then after putting in his ear lugs he rang the bells for the evening Then, the Humanimal who raised him arrived, flying in on his own wings, the Preacher Avalon Aquila a Steller's Sea Eagle https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steller%27s_sea_eagle "I see you've been punctual as your duties as usual Strongclaws." Said Avalon |
| "Yes, I have," the cat said, with some difficulty, his mouth mangling the words somewhat, making it sound like "Es Ah ave." The eagle nodded. One didn't raise another for twenty years, without figuring out how to understand them. "Very well. Finish up with the bells. I'll be downstairs to preach the Evening Mass, after which, I'll come back up, and we'll start on your Speech lessons, as your Therapist recommended." "Es Adder (Yes Father)," the cat said. "Ah an ot ait o alk ike omal eole (I can not wait to talk like normal people)." A slight chuckle came to the eagle's throat. "Yes, like normal people." Meanwhile, near the Felcanrod office, Sam was outside, trying to figure out what had just happened. "Let's see, alien invasion, Dave and his crazy plants, pro NBA flea player's human girlfriend getting murdered, Nick the fox being chased by Padre Grande and Mr. Stripes, and -" He then looked across the street, and saw Pepe's "Psychic Connections: Talk to Loved Ones who have Crossed Over". "Just great," he said. "That stinking conman now lives here." He went back inside, and closed the door. "First things first," Sam said. "Figure out who the hell gave him a licence to con people out of their money. It's one thing for Honey Bunnies, and their male counterparts, to put the moves on people, because that's their job. I hate people who give others the false hope of getting messages from the dead!" "What's wrong with you Sam?" Skeemo asked. "That hack setting up shop next to us," said Sam. "I don't like psychics. All they do is lie, and cheat people out of your money." "Um, did you use one to talk to your dead wife?" Skeemo asked. Sam looked at the rat, and growled, before walking to his desk. "I guess that's a touchy subject," said Sapphire. "Bastard conned me out of ten thousand dollars before Mr. Smitty came, and brought me to my senses," Sam growled. "Pepe conned you?" Sapphire asked. "Not him," said Sam. "Different one. Pepe's careful about such things - only charges people a few bucks at a time, so he can't get charged with fraud, or whatever. This guy, five hundred dollars a session. Never did get a message from my Annabel." |
| Sapphire leaned back in her chair and looked at Aziza, the Rhino Girl had potential, she had fire and mettle in her, Sapphire could see Aziza taking her place when she was too old to be a bounty hunter |
| Preacher Avalon was having an argument with the prostitute Candy Walker. "What do you mean you found religion?" Avalon asked. "Just what I said, you old bird. I'm not committing sin with you anymore. I'm giving all my love to the Church from now on." Avalon frowned. "That's absurd. What has the Church done for you? I've bought you gifts and pretty things." Candy's eyes flashed anger. "And you've also made me feel like scum! You're no proper preacher. Father Goodman says your type give the Church a bad name." "WHAT?! You told a churchman about me? You stupid little whore! Are you trying to get me tossed out of the Church?" "You SHOULD be tossed out!" |
| The next day, at 4 in the morning, the members of Felcanrod found themselves near an alley close to the Interspecies Dimensional Church. Skeemo stifled a yawn. "What's going on Sam? I need my beauty sleep." "You'd need to sleep for a month," said Sapphire. "Why did you call and tell us to come here Sam?" "It was Father Goodman that called me," Sam said, pointing to a Red-tailed Hawk, who was talking to a crow and a pigeon, who were wearing the uniforms of police officers. "Seems that about an hour ago, the bells in the belltower started going off in what could only be described as that of a call of Alarm, especially since the bells were not muted, like they usually are before sunrise." "Still, why would that mean anything?" Skeemo asked. "Because when Father Goodman came to talk to the bellringer about making such a racket, he found that over there," Sam said, pointing over to where a coroner and his assistant were placing a white cloth covered object on a gurney. "Candy Walker, age, 26. I guess you could say that she was a street girl, if you get my understanding. Seems that the Father had been talking to her, to try and get her to leave her life of sin. Claimed that he was making progress, and that she was looking for an alternative for her life. Found her dead on the other side of the garbage pile." "Cause of death?" Skeemo asked. "You'd have to ask the coroner for that," said Sam. "That being said, I don't smell any blood on that body, or at least not much. So I'm guessing suffocation, strangulation, or a broken neck. That, or an overdose of something. Take your pick there." "So, anyone talk to the bellringer, and find out if he saw anything?" Sapphire asked. "That would be a problem," said Sam. "The man suffers form a serious speech impediment - he can't say his words right. Only one person can understand him, and he's not here." "What do you mean?" Sapphire asked. "Preacher Avalon, the bellringer's legal guardian," said Sam. "Seems he's in charge of the evening congregation, or something. Left for home around midnight." "Anything we need to know about him?" Skeemo asked. "Well, it seems that he's being investigated for allegedly breaking his vows, especially the one involving chastity," said Sam. "Still, just because a man has a new-found sex drive, that doesn't make him a murderer in my book. Makes him interesting, but not a suspect." "Could be a motive," said Sapphire. "What if he was doing her, and she threatened to tell about it?" "Hate to say it, but it could be anyone that did the deed with her," said Sam. "Or, the whole thing could of been an accident. She could of tripped, and hit her head in the right spot." "I'd like to talk to the bellringer," said Sapphire. "See what he knows." "Better bring a tape recorder," said Sam. |
| Author's Note: Did we at any point establish Candy's Species, Are we you assume she's Human. Sapphire's nose caught the scent of a Fellow Feline, only this was slightly different, this was a wild exotic species...The Fishing Cat of Asia |
| The bellringer was brought in by an officer. "This is Strongclaws," he said. The deformed fisher cat hung his head, ashamed of his appearance and his incomprehensible speech. "Let me talk with him," Sapphire said. "Since we are both cats maybe I can understand him better." The officer gestured at the sheet-covered body on the ground. "That's a shame. A flamingo is a beautiful bird. Hate to see one get murdered." "Did she have any kind of police record?" Skeemo asked. "Oh, nothing big. Just the usual minor arrests you would expect. Every now and then we round up the street walkers and give them fines or jail time. But they'll be right back out there the next week." |
| "Let's hope we can figure it out," said Sam. "Least anyone could do for her family at any rate." |
| Strongclaws did not say anything. Sapphire made sure they were alone together in a small room with a table and two chairs. She had two cups and a pot of Elderberry tea brought in. Strongclaws' nose twitched. Sapphire knew Elderberry tea can loosen a cat's tongue. She had used the trick before. |
| "So..." Sapphire said as she poured a cup of elderberry tea "...What can you tell me about your legal guardian." As Sam and Skeemo were waiting outside a Janitor Cockroach Humanimal passed by. "I never liked the Eagle Preacher." said the Cockroach to Sam and Skeemo "He kept looking down his beak at anyone who wasn't an Eagle." "Who are you?" Sam asked "Call me Elwin Foliage." Said the Cockroach |
| "What do you know of the Bellringer?" Sam asked. "Strongclaws? He's fairly nice, smart to, if you give him a chance," the cockroach said. "He just can't talk right." "Why's that?" Sam asked. The cockroach shrugged. "I'm not a doctor, just a janitor. Still, I feel sorry for him." "Why's that?" Skeemo asked. "When he was a kid, the other orphans picked on him. Called him things like mangle-mouth, split-lips, and the like. Some still think he's nothing but a, well, retard, and a moron," the cockroach said. "Thing is, he knows what you're saying." "What else do you know?" Sam asked. "Well, from what I heard once, from when I was cleaning out the offices, I overheard that his mother was, most likely, a prostitute, one that died just outside this church. Thing was, it seems that she was in labor when she died. I guess you could say that the only decent thing that Preacher Avalon ever did was being there at the right time to deliver the baby after the mother died. Father Goodman gave him the job of raising that cat, or so I heard." "Did you ever get a name on the prostitute?" Sam asked. The cockroach shook his head. "Sorry. I didn't hear it when those two birds were talking." "Do you think that Avalon could of killed her, or perhaps even the woman that was found over there?" Skeemo asked. "I would wager he's the type to temporarily take off the cloth, if you know what I mean," said Elwin. "But, to commit murder, that would be a stretch." |
| "There is no type to commit murder," Skeemo said. "Even you might do it if you were pushed far enough." "Ha!" said the cockroach. "I doubt that! You have a very pessimistic view." "It's based on experience. I've seen all types commit murder, even little old grandmothers who like to bake cookies." |
| Elwin shrugged "Like I said I'm just a janitor." He pushed hi cart towards a Shrine outside the church to clean it up |
| (And now, to throw things for a loop, or two.) "Send Sapphire a text," said Sam. "I'm going to talk to this Preacher Avalon." "Have fun," said Skeemo. About twenty minutes later," Sam was inside the preacher's home. "What do you want to know?" the eagle asked. "I'm sure you've heard about the flamingo found dead outside the church you work at," said Sam. The eagle nodded. "I have." "Would you happen to know her?" Sam asked. "Got a picture?" Sam handed one over. The eagle looked at him, some worry in his eyes. "Yes, I knew her." "In what way?" The eagle looked around. "You're not working for Father Goodman, are you?" "The only thing I'm interested in is trying to find out who killed her," said Sam. "That is all." The eagle sighed. "Yes, I knew her, and not in the manner of a Priest trying to save a Sinner." Sam nodded. "I understand. The two of you had a relationship?" Avalon nodded. "She made me feel things I've never felt before. She made me feel, more than just what I was. And now, I'll soon be told to take off my collar, forever." "I see," said Sam. "I'm sorry for your loss, both of them." "Just one thing," said Avalon. "Get the bastard for her." "Do you know who might want to kill her?" Sam asked. Avalon nodded. "Talk to Father Goodman. I know he's taken his collar off every now and then." "Why would you say that?" Sam asked. "Twenty years ago, another woman was murdered," said Avalon. "I'll admit that I'd spent time with her, but so did he. I know full well that one of us is the Bellringer's biological father, but to prove it would expose at least one, if not both, of us." Sam was surprised at this. "I'll see what can be done. That being said, don't be surprised if I come back, especially if you're lying about your part in the murders." |
| Sam told Skeemo of his conversation with Avalon. Skeemo's eyebrows went up. "So you are thinking both Preacher Avalon and Father Goodman had motives for murder?" "Motives, yes," Sam said, "but that doesn't mean that either one of them is the killer." "I'm curious what Strongclaws is telling Sapphire. They've been in there a long time." |
| Sapphire came back rubbing her temples "He is very reluctant to ay anything." Sapphire said "He said Avalon raised him and for that he'll be loyal to the end." |
| "You were able to understand him?" Sam asked. "Took some effort," said Sapphire. "There's a number of letters he has trouble pronouncing, and I was glad to have the tape recorder. Had to rewind it a few times before I could get the gist of what he was saying." "Well, there's a chance that Avalon, or Goodman, is his biological father," said Sam. "Avalon told you that?" Sapphire asked. Sam nodded. "Mentioned that one prostitute from twenty years ago that the janitor told us about. Claimed that both of them had done her, if you get my drift." "It would be a bit of a scandal," said Skeemo. "I mean, don't these guys have to take a vow of chastity or something, and never have sex with another?" "Some groups have their priests make that vow, and others don't," said Sam. "Problem is, a man is still a man, despite the cloth, and a woman is still a woman, even if she wears a habit. They still have those urges to create offspring, including humans. I'll talk to the Police chief, and tell him about an informant who has reason to believe that the two priests have potential motive, regarding the fact that they forsook the Vow of Chastity. After that, try to collect their D.N.A. in a manner that's legal without arousing suspicion from the guilty one." "How would we do that?" Sapphire asked. "Know a doctor or two at the hospital who could set up a blood drive," said Sam. "They always need blood, and what better show of helpfulness than a priest giving his own blood to save the life of another." "And the police get that blood?" Sapphire asked. "Yes, and since it's now County Property, they don't need a warrant to collect it," said Sam. |
| A week later the blood drive ruse had worked and they had their DNA samples to be tested. Meanwhile Sapphire had made more progress with Strongclaws. They were having daily conversations. |
| "Es ie (It's nice)," Strongclaws said. "Ah ou an e oh alk out at Ah aw? (Why do you want me to talk about what I saw?)" Sapphire played back the recording a few times. She then looked at him. "Because you're the only one who saw what happened. The person who killed that woman should not be allowed to walk the streets with normal people, like you and me." "Ou ink Ah omal? (You think I'm normal?)" Strongclaws asked. Sapphire played back the recording. "Yes, especially when compared to the monster who killed that woman, or even a lot of people I've ran into." Strongclaws got up, and walked to a railing, that gave a clear view of the alley. "Eryon ays all eh ah onster. (Everyone always calls me a monster.)" Sapphire played back the recording. She got up, and walked next to him. "Strongclaws, you are not a monster. I've seen monsters out there, who seem normal, until you look into their eyes. I have a friend who has a heavily disfigured face, so disfigured, he turns his head so that he doesn't scare someone when they meet him for the first time. That being said, he's one of the few people I'd count on to help me out if I got into trouble - he'd use that ugly mug of his to scare people into talking, among other things." "At eh ook ike? (What's he look like?)" After playing back the tape, Sapphire smiled, and got out a picture, that showed her and the other two. She then pointed at Sam, who was looking right at the camera, looking square at it. The left side of the wolf's face, heavily scarred, and missing its eye and ear, caused Strongclaws to have a brief fright. "N Ah ought Ah ad iue. (And I thought I had issues.)" |
| "Please, Strongclaws," said Sapphire. "I think you know more than you are telling me. You saw that woman get killed, didn't you?" Strongclaws put his head down, covering his eyes with his hands, and nodded yes. Sapphire clenched her fists. She was so close to the truth now. "Who did it?" Sapphire asked. Strongclaws shook his head violently back and forth. "Oh! Oo ot ask ee at!" (No! Do not ask me that!) |
| Meanwhile, Sam was at a cemetery, watching a backhoe excavate a scoop full of dirt and rocks. Skeemo stood next to him, watching. "I'm surprised you managed to convince the Chief of Police to dig up the grave of some dead prostitute from twenty years ago, all on the basis that her death is connected to the one from last week." "The Chief told me he knew the case himself," said Sam. "He investigated it then, and the fact that the killer was never caught has always haunted him. He wants justice for what happened then, and now. Any cop could relate to it." "So, catching this guy would close a few books," said Skeemo. Sam nodded. "And it would open up another." |
| "That's it," said the officer in charge as the backhoe struck something. They carefully extracted the coffin from the earth and sat it on a flat area. "Ready to take a look?" said the officer. "As ready as I will ever be," said Skeemo, who had no desire to look at a corpse, but he didn't want Sam to think he was chicken. |
| "Officer, just take it to the Coroner, and let him and his assistants check out the body," said Sam. "The last thing she needs is a bunch of unlicensed amateurs looking at her, and missing that which a trained eye can see." "What do you think they'd find?" the officer asked. "There's been twenty years to improve our medical devices and what not," said Sam. "They could possibly figure out the size of the murderer's hand, possible species, and if they had any special training." "What makes you think that this prostitute's death is connected to the one from last week?" the officer asked. "A number of the people who found the body last week, are the same as those who found this body," said Sam. "As it is, the one witness is this woman's son." |
| The officer took a look at the corpse, that of a feline, not any feline a Fishing Cat a rare species "You..." The Officer gulped "The Bell ringer?" |
| The coroner laughed at the idea he could determine the species of the murderer but made the effort anyway. He was able to give a range of hand sizes, but it was so wide a range that it would include every possible suspect. But there was one thing of interest he discovered. "Tell me that again," Skeemo said. "You say discovered traces of a drug?" "Yes," said the coroner, "and the interesting thing is that it is a drug that doctors use to induce labor." "So she would have known she was going into labor that day?" "Not necessarily," said the coroner. "I'm a suspicious person by nature. Did she know she had been given the drug?" "Good point," Skeemo said, "but why... Hmmm. Might as well ask why she was killed. I can imagine one rather nasty scenario. The murderer wanted to kill her but not the child." |
| Sam looked at the picture of the remains that had been taken before the Coroner had started his work. The cat had been dressed in a rather common dress, very cheep, like one bought from a secondhand store, if the remaining fibers were any indication. He looked at the face, and while the forces of decomposition, he had a feeling that she'd been fairly attractive. The rest of the remains indicated similar things - always on her feet, with a fairly active lifestyle. In a way, it made sense - unattractive, or at least unhealthy, prostitutes did not make much money. "Find anything else?" He asked, looking at the Coroner. "Like genetic material? Might get a lead on the child's father." "Samuel, I was lucky to find the traces of this drug," the Coroner said. "The body produces a ton of chemicals after death, and that's with Modern Preservation techniques being utilized. Genetic material, like the leftovers of an umbilical cord or whatever, destroyed by now, if not beforehand by an embalmer." "I see," said Sam. "What's on your mind?" Skeemo asked. "What if we're looking at this from the wrong angle," said Sam. "Let's say that our cat here was seeing a few people, and one of them got her pregnant. Let's say that the johns were part of an order that forbid sex. Now, let's say that the one killed her to keep her silent, but the other found her, still somewhat alive, and forced the pregnancy in an attempt to save the child. Now, let's say that, as of now, these two people are still breaking that rule, and the one finds out that he's going to get kicked out, but loves the woman he's been seeing. He's got nothing to lose by telling on the other. The other, realizing this, kills the woman, to keep the quitter's silence." "What dos that mean?" Skeemo asked. "What if the person we're looking for is Father Goodman?" Sam suggested. "If he was threatened by this woman, and killed her to keep her quiet, who's to say that he didn't kill Candy last week to keep Avalon from outing him for breaking the rules, to say nothing about the law?" "Then, why hasn't Strongclaws been killed by Goodman?" Skeemo asked. "Because Avalon has always protected him," said Sam. "It makes sense." |
| "You don't think it makes sense?" Sam said. Skeemo shrugged. "OK, I'll give you that it does make sense, but where does that leave us? We've got our suspicions about Father Goodman, but we don't have any hard evidence." "But we might have an eyewitness," Sam said. "You mean Strongclaws?" |
| "Yes," said Sam. "We know he saw something, or else he wouldn't have rung the bells at such time as they were rung." "He won't be able to survive in the courtroom," said Skeemo. "Too bad he doesn't speak clearly, and that Alavon won't - wait, I've got an idea," said Sam. "What's the plan?" Skeemo asked. "Go to the church and take Sapphire and Strongclaws to my place, quietly" said Sam. "We're going to lay a trap." Skeemo chuckled. "Alright. Have fun." A little while later, Sam was at a diner, with Father Goodman and Preacher Avalon. "Have you found out anything?" Avalon asked. Sam nodded. "Took some doing, but Sapphire has gotten Strongclaws to agree to talk." The birds looked at each other, before looking back at Sam. "How did she do that?" Avalon asked. "As it turns out, there was another prostitute that had been murdered, twenty years ago, Strongclaws' mother," said Sam. "We found evidence that connected the two. He agreed to talk about it, tomorrow." "Maybe you've been able to figure out how to talk to him, but how will a jury understand him?" Goodman asked. "There's a device called a DynaVox Speech Generating System," said Sam. "Type into it, and it will say what you're typing." "I see," said Avalon. "That would be very helpful to him," said Goodman. "Well, I best get going," said Sam. "I've got things to do, and a laptop to buy." He got up, and left. Later on that night, a cloaked figure entered the bell tower, and saw another figure, huddled under the blankets on a pallet. The figure pulled out a knife. "I'm sorry to do this, but I can't let you talk. Good bye, my son." At this, the blanket jerked back, revealing Sam, pointing a handgun at the figure. "Oh, I'm so sorry, daddy. I guess the proverbial cat is out of the bag. I'll be sure to send you a cigar, in prison." The figure ran back down the stairs. "Halt!" Sam shouted, as he gave chase. "You're not going to get away with it this time!" However, owing to the darkness, and his missing eye, the wolf missed a step, and tumbled on down the stairs. When he recovered, he heard the sounds of fighting, and he heard the voices of the participants. There was three of them! Two were clearly angry, yelling out hellfire and brimstone. The third was yelling right back at the other two. As he staggered to his feet, and picked up his gun, Sam walked, rather painfully, to the sound, and was confronted by the sight of both Avalon and Goodman grappling with the cloaked figure. He raised the gun. "Freeze!" The trio stopped, the birds holding out the figure's arm, with had the knife in its hand. "Drop it." The knife fell with a loud sound. "Back away." The two priests moved away from the third person. "The hood, now. Remove it." The figure removed their hood. It was Elwin Foliage, the cockroach. "It's always the servant," Sam muttered. |
| For a moment Sapphire who hadn't been there when Elwin spoke to Sam and Skeemo asked "What's going on here? What's with the cockroach?" |
| "That's Elwin Foliage," Skeemo said, "the janitor." "How does he figure into this?" Sapphire asked. "I'm hoping Sam can tell us. My best guess is that Elwin was a hit man for the two preachers. They got him to do the dirty work. Am I right, Sam?" |
| "Let me put it this way, the preachers are guilty of breaking the vow of chastity, and of trying to be the best fathers they could, to the son of a woman they both loved," Sam said, with a sigh. The two religious figures had a look of embarrassment, as they looked away from each other. "Am I right?" Sam asked. "You both loved the woman from twenty years ago, and the one from last week." "It's not easy being a priest, especially after you've sworn the Vows, and then you meet up with a woman who gets to know you for who you are, and you get tempted and -" Goodman broke down in tears. "I just loved both of them." Sam noticed that Avalon was also crying. "We both loved them." Sam looked at Elwin. "Why did you kill those women." "They claimed that I was good in bed, but too ugly to marry," said the cockroach. "If I couldn't have them, no one would. There's others, in case you're interested." "I'm sure the police will be interested in that," said Sam. The wolf spat on the floor. "It's people like you who give maids, butlers, and other servant types a bad name." |
| The Policewoman a Doberman named Maryanne Winters hauled the Cockroach into the Van "Thanks Mr. Blacktail." Said Sargent Winters |
| Skeemo looked at the two preachers. "Don't you think it's about time you two took a little more interest in what's going to happen to Strongclaws?" "I've always been interested," Avalon said, "but I guess now there is no point in hiding it anymore. He will come live with me and get an education." |
| "That would be for the best," said Sam. A while later, the trio were at their office. Sapphire looked at Sam. "How did you know it was the Janitor?" "Slightly complicated," said Sam. "Starts with Candy Walker - three different sets of D.N.A. were on her besides her own. Thanks to the phony blood drive, Avalon and Goodman were identified as two of them. The Teacups from your visits with Strongclaws gave us a partial match on a third." "Partial match?" Skeemo asked. "Fifty percent match - perpetrator was either his father or son, and the son was least likely," said Sam. "Left the father. Had to be someone that worked at the place, or in the neighborhood for at least twenty years. Only three males have worked in that church all that time. Still, it was a bit of a shock to find out who. I mean, my father's a butler for Pete Sakes, granted he's also a bodyguard, but still." Sam sighed. "If it makes you feel better, I don't understand the Why part. Still, our job is just to locate those with a price on their heads, not to ask why." "That reminds me," said Skeemo. "Did we make any money?" Sam shook his head. "Bastard didn't have any Bounties on his head. Still, I guess there's some people who will get an answer as to what happened to their little girl, both of them. That's a reward in and of itself, getting justice for them, and taking their killer off the street." |
| "I think..." Skeemo said the Fact Strongclaws' Dad was an invertebrate was the reason he had so many deformities, there is a reason vertebrates and invertebrates so rarely mate with each other." Chapter Five When they came back to their office there was one heck of a surprise waiting for them there! Curled up on the office floor, nursing a wound on the abdomen was a Housefly Humanimal wearing chain mail "Who are you?" Sam asked "How did you get here?!" "S...Shazar..." Said the Fly "What does that mean?" Asked Skeemo Sapphire recognized Shazar as the title of one of her fantasy novels which she normally had on the bookshelf in the office Shazar had fallen off the shelf, and it was open to a certain page, From the book was drops of greenish insect blood leading from where the book landed to where this Fly was now Author's Note: I don't know how many of you are familiar with Animal Man and the story the Coyote Gospel http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Animal_Man_Vol_1_5 |
| "Look at this!" Sapphire said, and pointed at the page in her book. Skeemo read... And so the battle between Shazar and the demon Trylx ended when Trylx cast Shazar out of their dimension. Trylx laughed as Shazar vanished forever... "Poor guy!" Skeemo said. "He's been dumped out of his story." "So call 9-1-1," Sam said. "We've got monkey problems, remember?" Sapphire looked up from where she was patting the head of the wounded housefly. "Monkey problems?" "Yeah," Skeemo said. "Seems we are to find and capture some kind of super monkey that escaped from a Genetics lab. "Why us?" Skeemo grinned. "Because we're experts at doing the difficult." |
| "Yeah, there's a proverbial poop storm flying around somewhere," said Sam. "Still, if nothing else, perhaps Sapphire should stay with this guy, just in case the police ask us if we want to charge him with something." "Like what?" Sapphire asked. "3rd degree Breaking and Entering or something," said Sam. "Whatever it is one calls breaking into a place to try and get medical help. Haven't dealt with a crime like this one, where the guy breaks in to get bandages and such to patch up a wound. Breaking in to get money and valuables, yes. Cases where they broke in to steal drugs to sell. Even a case where people broke into a grocery store and stole a hundred dollars worth of cheap food, because they were homeless people, and the soup kitchen was closed that day. Never a case where an injured man broke in to try and get honest medical help." "Why give him a lesser degree of Breaking and Entering?" Skeemo asked. "Stealing out of Greed is one thing, and I don't like that," said Sam. "Stealing for Survival is another thing, and I can forgive it. Might make him pay for it with some menial labor." "Make him a Janitor?" Sapphire asked. "Still broke in, and ruined the carpet," said Sam. "Someone has to pay for it, and we could use a Maintenance man anyways." "You're all heart Sam," Sapphire muttered, as she picked up the phone. "Alright, we'll pay for the carpet, and the hospital bill," said Sam. "We still have plenty of money from that Job in South America." "The one I didn't go on?" Sapphire asked. Skeemo chuckled nervously. "Yeah, that one. I'm still trying to forget it, and all that blood." The rat shuddered. "I don't ever want to go on a small boat again." |
| "Um Sam." Sapphire said "This Fly was just ejected from a Book, It may not have been his idea to be here, the book he was in had the bad luck of being in our office when he was ejected from it." |
| "You've got a point," Sam said. "It's not like the fly deliberately chose our office. Maybe we should have you charged with smuggling in illegal aliens, Sapphire?" "Sam!" Skeemo had an image on his computer monitor. "This is what he looks like." "Who?" Sapphire said. "The monkey!" Skeemo said. "Does he have a name?" "It says here he is experimental subject #376-A." "That's not a name," Sapphire said. |
| "Say that to the Stormtroopers in the Star Wars series," said Sam. "All they get is a number, unless someone calls them by some nickname. And don't forget those robot guys." |
| The next day Skeemo got a phone call. "The monkey has been spotted in Albuquerque! He walked into a bank wearing a top hat and tails and claimed to be the bank manager, then demanded $10,000 in cash." "And that's when they caught him?" Sam said. "No, the teller gave him the money and he got away." "Whaaat? How could that be?" "She said he was very convincing and she was afraid if it was really the bank manager and she didn't do what he said that she would lose her job." "But a monkey?!" Sam said. "Correction," said Skeemo. "A super monkey." |
| "Must of been a big bank if the teller didn't know that the monkey really wasn't the Bank Manager," said Sam. "Those people have to show their identification. Also, that money gets tracked down." |
| Zzrt stepped in,Penelope saw this on the news, she says it's a case of the monkey having hypnotic powers. "Where is Penelope?" Asked Sam "Bedridden." Said Zzrt caught a nasty case of Lyme Disease, I've been taking care of her and...What's with the Giant Fly?" "This is Shazar." Said Sapphire "He came from a book." "Well anyway here is a photo of the event." Said Zzrt "A Flea Humanimal named Bubbles took this picture,she was so small,the Monkey didn't notice her." The Monkey looked a lot like Gleek from Superfriends http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/marvel_dc/images/6/6e/Gleek_Super_Friends_00... |
| "Hypnotic powers, eh?" mused Skeemo. "I know what we have to do - contact the scientists at that genetics lab and find out just how super this monkey is." The Deena Genetech Research Laboratories was a sprawling complex of concrete and glass buildings. Dr. Howitzer was a walrus in a white lab coat with thick glasses and a huge white mustache and goatee. Skeemo looked at the data sheets he had been given. "This stuff is Greek to me, Dr. Howitzer. Just tell me in plain words how super this monkey is." Dr. Howitzer stroked his white goatee. "He was an experiment in increasing intelligence, so he is smart, very smart, maybe even a genius. We also tried to give him some instinctive social skills, so yes, maybe he can be very persuasive. But hypnotic powers? No, we did not give him anything like that. Although, who knows what he might learn to do on his on?" "But why?" Skeemo asked. "Did the world need a super monkey?" "This is Science! We don't ask what is needed. That is engineering. We expand the boundaries of human knowledge. That's what Science does." |
| "You guys make Mad Scientists seem sane," said Sam. "Skeemo, let's go." "A bunch of wackos, or something," Skeemo said, as they got into their vehicle. "I should introduce you to my friend, Crazy Dave," said Sam. "He made a bunch of weaponized plants. His reasoning would be that they'd become nothing more than plant matter after a few months, unlike landmines that can exist for decades." "Why would he use plants?" Skeemo asked. "He'd been contracted to make some weapons for the military. This one game, Plants Versus Zombies, was popular at the time, so the idea came to him to make real life versions of the various plants." "Perhaps we should get some for the shop," said Skeemo. "Good idea," said Sam. "About the worst that could happen is that you'd fall asleep." |
| "Can I come with you?" Asked Shazar "Why?" Asked Sam "Look at me." Said the Fly in Chainmail "I'm a Knight without a Quest, a Crusader without a Crusade, If I can be of use to you after I had to borrow your bandages." "Hmmm." Said Sam "Don't meat too many chivalrous flies...However if you really are from medieval times, our world might be a shock to you in more ways then one." |
| "I am already shocked," said Shazar, "but I have been shocked before. My first quest was a trip to the ice mountains to find the Sword of Incredible Coldness. I didn't find the sword but I encountered many strange and wonderful things. Ever since then I have looked forward to being shocked by new adventures. I have no fear of it." "In that case," Sam said. "Welcome aboard." "Another lead on the monkey," Skeemo said. "And it's right here in Las Vegas. The Sands Casino reports a monkey won a million dollars playing Roulette. They call him the Magic Monkey." "How do you know it's our monkey?" Sapphire said. Skeemo gave her a look. "How many monkeys can play winning Roulette? It's got to be our monkey." "But Roulette is a game of chance. Being super intelligent can't help you, can it?" "So maybe he just got lucky. Let's go to the Sands Casino." |
| "Most of the time, winning is a matter of luck," said Sam, as they pulled up to the place. "That or being a really good cheat." "How good are you with it?" Skeemo asked. "Good enough not to cheat, unless I want to have some real fun," said Sam. "Real trick to winning is not to go to the high dollar tables where the odds are stacked in favor of the house." "So, what's your trick to winning?" Skeemo asked. Sam grinned. "Smiling and nodding. After a while, the others leave, and then it's just down to you and the dealer. And then he leaves for some reason, and you collect your winnings." "You ever go up against a professional cheater?" Skeemo asked. Sam nodded. "Place thought that I was cheating, so I made a deal - their best against me. If I won, I was to get double the money I'd won. If I lost, they'd get their money back, and I'd be banned for life." "What happened?" Skeemo asked. Sam chuckled. "Let me put it like this; I was still playing there when the place closed down for good. Seems they owed money to someone." |
| "Well." Said Sapphire "We better head to the Casinos." As they drove Shazar asked "How come everyone is surprised a Monkey is doing all these things? I mean we're all Animals aren't we?" "We're Humanimals." Said Sam "We're different,we're genetically engineered, our ancestors were made more humanoid long ago, this Monkey doesn't seem to be any different from normal monkeys." "Humanimals?" Shazar said "Where I come from all animals walk upright and can talk." "Really?" Said Sam "What do the predators eat?" |
| "They eat plants," Shazar said. "Fruits, vegetables, and grains." Sam raised his eyebrows. "That seems to go against the laws of nature." "Maybe different dimensions have different laws." Skeemo confronted the manager of the Sands Casino. "We came to pick up the Magic Monkey." "You can't have him," said the manager, a goose humanimal who wore black rim glasses. "What do you mean we can't have him? I thought he cheated you out of a million bucks?" "He didn't cheat," said the goose, "and he's too good for business. The publicity has doubled our number of customers. He is my assistant manager now." "Well, don't that beat all," Skeemo said. "Come on, guys. Let's go back to the office and figure out our next move." |
| "Or, alternatively, we could play a round of cards with him, or at least I could," said Sam. "What do you mean?" Skeemo asked. "I mean, I know you're good, that's how we got that one gang at the Bread and Butter Saloon all those months ago, when you first met Susan, but you're talking about a mutant monkey." "I want to see how good he is," said Sam. "It's been a while since I've had a good challenge when it comes to a card game. Besides, might find out about any weaknesses we might be able to exploit." Skeemo chuckled. "Sounds crazy enough to work. Just a friendly game?" "Just a friendly game, with each of us staking a hundred grand," said Sam. "It won't hurt either of us, but it will sting if we lose." "Are you sue you can risk it?" Sapphire asked. "Given what I still have in my account, it's alright," said Sam. |
| Skeemo was surprised at how elegant the monkey looked. He was wearing a black silk suit with a crisp white shirt and a purple silk tie. He definitely had a monkey face but there was a lot of wisdom in it. His eyes were large and brown. He extended a hand to Sam and said, "Your offer intrigues me, sir." Sam shook hands with the monkey and said, "I'm Sam Blacktail and these are my friends Sapphire Shores and Skeemo Saab." "Friends and associates," said the monkey. "I know all about Felcanrod. And I am Magic Monkey." "That's actually your name?" Skeemo said. "It is now. It works for me. You know my history. By the way, I think you will find that the lab no longer wants me returned. We've come to a mutually agreeable arrangement. Sorry if that spoils your business plan." "I'll withhold judgment until I have a chance to check on that," said Skeemo. Magic Monkey turned to Sam. "Your wager is interesting. What is the game?" |
| "Poker," said Sam. "Ah, the game of deception," said Magic Monkey. "The game where you must convey to your opponent that your hand is better than theirs, even when in fact, your hand is inferior. Simple, yet devious. In short, the key to winning is to be a better liar than the other person." "That about sums it up," said Sam. "What makes you think that you can win?" the monkey asked. Sam looked at the monkey, and grinned. "What makes you think that you'll best me?" |
| They sat down at a private table and opened a fresh pack of cards. "Why don't you deal, Skeemo," said Magic Monkey. "I'm sure Sam will be okay with that." "It's fine with me," Sam said. "Just straight poker?" Magic Monkey asked. "Five card draw? Nothing wild?" |
| "That's right," said Sam. "I don't like playing fancy games." Magic Monkey chuckled. "Perhaps we should play something more complicated then?" Sam grinned. "Then I'd advise you to check out the Gamblers to Watch List from the Top Thirty Casinos." Magic Monkey asked for a handheld computer. One was given to him. Roughly five minutes later, he looked at Sam. "That's an impressive record. You're on the Lists of all of them; they suspect you of cheating in over twenty of them, and yet they can't prove it. As it is, you may not like fancy games, but you're no slouch when it comes to playing them." "You watch Westerns?" Sam asked. "I might have seen a few," said Magic Monkey. "There's one called Quigley Down Under," said Sam. "Set in Australia, big landowner hires a sharpshooter from Wyoming. Sharpshooter proves to be very good with his rifle. When asked if the man like handguns, which were the landowner's preference, the sharpshooter is like 'Never had much use for them'. Problem is, the landowner had hired the sharpshooter to kill the locals, which the sharpshooter didn't want to do, and so the sharpshooter is forced to fight a one-man war against the landowner and his henchmen. Eventually, the landowner has the sharpshooter captured, and decides to kill him in what seems to be an unfair match, in that the sharpshooter was armed with the landowner's spare revolver. Big mistake - while the sharpshooter didn't normally use a handgun, he was real good at using them, and he killed the landowner, and his surviving henchmen." "I see," said Magic Monkey. "You might not like the fancy games, but you know how to play them, just in case." Sam chuckled. "That's right. Once I understand how the game is played, I rarely lose." |
| "An evil monkey wizard?" Sapphire asked. "Yes," said Shazar. "He was downright demonic, I shudder even now at the memory." Skeemo dealt the cards, five each to Magic Monkey and Sam. Skeemo looked at the elegant monkey. "Your bet." Magic Monkey smiled. "I'll open for a $1000." "I'll see your $1000 and raise you another $1000," Sam said. With $4000 in the pot, Magic Monkey asked for one card. Skeemo dealt it to him, wondering if the monkey was going for a flush or a straight. Then he looked at Sam. "How many cards?" |
| Sam looked at his cards, and the ones on the table. He took one of his cards, and placed it on the table. "Just one." "You got a good hand?" Magic Monkey asked. "Perhaps I do, and perhaps I don't," said Sam. "You'll have to find out when it's time to show them." |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Skeemo gave Sam his card and turned to the monkey. "Your bet." Magic Monkey tossed a yellow $1000 chip onto the $4000 already there. "One thousand." Sam said, "I'll see your 1 and raise you 5," and slid a pink $5000 chip into the pile. Magic studied his cards for a moment, then tossed a pink chip on the pile. "Call. What do you have?" Sam spread his cards on the table. |
| Magic Monkey looked at the cards, and then looked at his. "Are you serious? That's got to be luck." The monkey put down his cards - 4 Kings. However, Sam's cards were all Aces. Sam clicked his tongue. "Sometimes luck is all you need." "Yeah, but next hand, I doubt it will be Aces," said MM. "I'd be suspicious of that myself, if that makes you feel better," Sam said, as he collected the money on the table. "Let's have Sapphire deal the cards this time, or you can have one of the employees, or customers even, deal them out." The monkey grinned. "Good idea." |
| (Real Life: Because of the Attack in Brussels I'd like to raise awareness for Brussels in this addition) Just then the TVs in the Casino turned on and Blared about an Attack Currently happening Mastondonia a town that was known for being full of charismatic megafauna from Pandas to Giraffes to...Pink Flying Pigs. The attack was carried out by a once of Humans claiming to be bringing the word of God, that since God made Man ruler of all the Animals,Animals should not talk or live in houses or drive cars |
| "It's a disgrace," Skeemo said. "They ought to round up all those Life Is members and put them in jail. It's a shame what they have done to Mastondonia." The card game moved to a regular table with a Casino dealer. The next few hands were not nearly so spectacular as the first hand. "I'm not a card sharp," Skeemo said. "That was just chance the cards fell that way when I dealt." |
| "You deal with the cards that life deals you," said Sam, as he glanced at the news. "I doubt they'd get a whole lot of support. There's a lot of humans who are friends with Humanimals, or are married to them." |
| "Someone should make sure that never happens again." Said Magic Monkey "If I were President,I'd make sure it'd never happen again." |
| Skeemo looked up at the monkey's "If I were president" remark. Did the monkey seriously believe a monkey could ever get elected to be president? Ha! What a joke! After an hour of card play in which Sam and Magic Monkey remained pretty even, Sapphire said, "This is getting nowhere and I am getting bored. I declare a stalemate or a tie or whatever you call it in Poker." "You don't call it anything," Skeemo said. "You just quit playing. What do you think, Sam?" |
| Sam looked at his chips, and then at the Monkey's. "Well, given that I'm slightly ahead at the moment, I have no issues with ending the game, if he wishes to end as well." The monkey chuckled. "I guess I've had enough. Good game." He extended his hand. Sam looked at the hand, and accepted it. "I'll take my winnings in a check made out in my name." "A pleasure playing with you," said the Monkey. "Perhaps we'll figure out who really is the better player at another time." "I look forward to it." Sam released the monkey's hand, and began to talk away. "Maybe you should wash your hand," said Skeemo. "You know what monkeys tend to do you know." "Don't need to worry about that," said Sam. "It doesn't pay for a Manager to have dirty hands." "Are you sure about that?" Skeemo asked. "This nose would know," said Sam. "That and I would of put the hurt on him if he'd tried something like that." "So, what do we do?" Sapphire asked. "There's an old saying, 'Send a thief to catch a thief'," said Sam. "In this case, send a Con Man, or should I say Con Fox, to catch a Con Monkey." "Who are you talking about?" Skeemo asked. "Remember that rabbit police officer who came to us for help in regards to that thief, who what a bunch of flies?" Sam asked. "Penny something," said Skeemo. "Cottontail," said Sam. "Seems she's married to a Marion Eugene, AKA Nick Volpus, among other fox-themed names. Former confidence man turned State's Evidence. Real charmer. There isn't a woman he couldn't bed. Bedded the wrong woman though, who tried to kill him, when it was found she was a hitman for the mob on the East Coast. Nick got placed in Jenny's custody, and one crazy thing led to another." "So, you're saying, we're to get this fox to follow the monkey?" Skeemo asked. "Yep," said Sam. "Saves us for more important things. I mean, that monkey is going to be busy with that casino for some time, hopefully." |
| Shazar flew over to the bar where he looked at all the brightly colored drinks. "Such strange things,the people of the world drink." The Fly buzzed The TV's were still covering what had happened in Mastondonia, so far they had caught two suspects. |
| Shazar listened to the TV announcer... Authorities believe there is one member of the Mastondonia Life Is cell still on the loose and urge caution. He may be armed and dangerous and planning to set off more bombs. The leader of Life Is vowed to keep bombing until people realize animals have no right to behave as humans. That's harsh, thought Shazar, as he sipped on his drink. A couple of weeks after Sam and Magic Monkey's poker game, Skeemo heard some interesting news. "Guess what, Sam. Magic Monkey now owns the casino." "What?!" Sam said, spitting out some coffee. "How did he manage that?" "I don't know, but he is one clever little primate, that's for sure." When Skeemo had phoned the Deena Genetech Research Laoboratory, he had been surprised to discover that Magic Monkey's claim was true. The lab was no longer trying to get him back. "He's a free citizen," said a representative. "We don't own him." After Skeemo hung up the phone his comment was, "I smell lawyers in action." "He is beginning to become a bit famous," Sam said. "Who?" Skeemo asked. "Who do you think? Magic Monkey. He's starting to turn up in jokes on late night TV. I heard Jimmy Fallon mention him." |
| "So, what about his potential claim about running for President?" Skeemo asked. "There might be some roadblocks," said Sam. "He'd have to have been a natural-born citizen of the country - although I think that law should be removed, be at least 35 years old, been a permanent resident for the past 14 years - which I'm for, and then there's the law that states that criminals and rebels of the United States can't hold a Federal position, unless a two-thirds majority of congress says otherwise. The Monkey robbed a bank, granted he was charming about it, but he still robbed the place, and I doubt he's old enough, and I'm not sure how long he's been in the country, or if he was even born here." "And if he could get past those?" Sapphire asked. "He'd need a lot of money, a lot of supporters, and there's at least 4 other people he'd have to beat, plus I doubt he's in any of the major parties," said Sam. "There has yet to be a third party president." |
| Shazar said "What strange customs the People of this Land have." "Shazar." Said Sapphire "Do you have any intention of getting back into your book." "Not really."Said the Fly "That Demon said that if I ever came back I would perish instantly." Despite the Leader of Life Is claims there were no more attacks after Tuesday, the Mastondonia Police really cracked down,finding out how the terrorists had been making bombs out of common items. The Mayor of Mastondonia a Green Dragon made a speech |
| "Citizens of Mastondonia," began the Green Dragon. "We have been through a terrifying time, but we must not let it affect our daily lives. If we become scared and change our ways, then the terrorists win. I urge you to go to work, shop, play, just like we always have. Our ability to remain calm and normal is the source of our victory over those who attempt to intimidate us." "Couldn't agree more," said Shazar. "Bartender, I'll have another glass of that sweet blue stuff, please." "Don't you think you've had enough?" asked Sapphire. "I've been drinking all my life and I never had enough yet." Skeemo was reading a news magazine. "Hmmm, says here that Magic Monkey was born in the USA, lived all of his life here, and is 39 years old." "But he robbed a bank," Sam said. "It seems that now the bank is claiming it was all a misunderstanding and a case of mistaken identity. His record will be cleared." "This is insane!" Sam said. "That monkey is a master manipulator of people. Make him president and his next step will be to rule the world!" "Would that be so bad?" Skeemo said. "Maybe a world with one government could be peaceful and progress faster." |
| "It might be, but it might lead to complications," said Sam. "Let's just make sure he sticks to the casinos." "Why's that?" Skeemo asked. "More money for him in the long run, and less likely he'd upset people somehow." |
| "I don't know," Skeemo said. "Do you think that's what he is doing? Hypnotizing people?" "It has to be," Sapphire said. "I don't care how good a talker you are, you can't just talk people into anything at all." "When we were with him at that poker game I didn't feel like he was trying to hypnotize me." "He didn't have any reason to. I'll bet if you opposed him in some serious way he would haul out the old hypnotic eyes and put your mind in a swirl." |
| "I think that sort of thing is against the law," said Sam. "I believe it falls under brainwashing." |
| It was only a week later when they heard on the news that Magic Monkey was going to enter the race for President of the USA. "Oh this too much!" Sam said. "I'll move to Canada if he is elected!" Sapphire said. "I like some of his ideas," said Skeemo. "You would!" Sapphire said. "I'm not living in a country with a monkey for president." "What if it was a cat?" "That's different." Skeemo laughed. "We think we are such enlightened, open-minded humanimals, but listen to how species prejudiced some of us are." |
| Just then a fax arrived in the Felcanrod Office Sam grabbed it read it "Dear Felcanrod, A Psychic on our team has received a vision that Magic Monkey announcing his presidential bid has driven Life Is into a frenzy,if Magic Monkey does not step down Life Is will send 700 missiles to blow up the US, we're doing everything we can to try to infiltrate the Life Is Bases in the Middle East and try to find a way to disarm their weapons. Your's Truly The Secret Society of Wizards and Warriors." |
| "Problems multiply," Skeemo said. "It's clear the world is in danger." "Again," Zzrt said. "Yes, it does seem to keep happening, doesn't it? And where have you been?" "Doing stuff, " Zzrt said. "I stay busy." Skeemo nodded. "Uh huh. It better be Felcanrod stuff since we are paying you a salary." "Who do you think contacted the Secret Society of Warriors and Warriors? I'm a member of SSoWaW." "You?" Skeemo said. "Why? You're not a wizard. You're an alien." Zzrt shrugged. "But I'm a warrior, right? " Skeemo sighed. "Maybe. Anyway, I guess we better get in touch with the SSoWaW and help them do something about the Life Is threat." |
| "Maybe we should deal with this Life group directly," said Sam. "How?" Skeemo asked. "We're just bounty hunters - we catch criminals that forget to show up for court dates. We don't go after terrorists." "I'l get a hold of Mr. Smitty," said Sam. "Knowing my former father-in-law, he still has that team of people on file." "You mean those fifty people who are the best at what they do? Those Special Forces people? A few of them in prison for one reason or another? The team he could bring together within twenty-four hours? That team?" Skeemo asked. "The very ones," said Sam. "They even work together with the other members on occasion. After all, we do have that very nice plane we can use to transport them." "That thing is a troop transport plane," said Skeemo. "Not a luxury jet. I hate riding in that thing." "All the easier to jump out of," said Sam. "Maybe we should get more information before we do something crazy," said Sapphire. |
| "That's why I want to hear what the Secret Society of Wizards and Warriors has to say." said Skeemo. The SSoWaW wasn't as secret as it used to be. They had a large building in downtown Portland, Oregon. True, the sign on the building said Acme Manufacturing, but the cab driver said, "Acme? Oh, you mean the Wizards and Warriors building. Sure, I can take you there." A wizard named Winton Bonelock consulted with them in one of the map rooms. "These are the locations where we believe the Life Is missile launchers are located." "Great!" Sam said. "I'll get this info to Mr. Smitty right away." |
| "Who is he?" Bonelock asked. "One of the wealthiest men in the world," said Sam. "And my former father-in-law." |
| Winton Bonelock was a Troll "The Monkey DOES have supernatural abilities." Said Winton "The Scientists don't realize they've given them to him, basically Magic Monkey has the ability to control anyone who has a Willpower Stat of 15 or lower." "Still using Dungeons & Dragons terms?" Asked Zzrt? |
| "It's a religion around here," said Winton Bonelock. "And it works. Why change something that works?" "Surely Science produces far superior results?" said Skeemo. "Bah! Science! Ask a scientist if trolls exist, eh? And yet, here you see one standing right in front of you." "Good point," Skeemo said. "About Magic Monkey, what do the D&D crowd see happening?" "The monkey is a potential game wrecker. No matter how you roll the dice, it comes up disaster." "But how? Why?" Winton Bonelock shrugged. "If you try to read the future and the only image you can get is a big black hole... then what else can you conclude?" "I might conclude you didn't know how to read the future." |
| "We need to find a way to get Magic Monkey to step down from becoming President!" Said the Troll |
| Skeemo scowled at the troll. "But I don't find your talk of a big black hole a convincing reason to interfere." "Well, I do!" Sapphire said. "I've had creepy feelings about that monkey all along and they just keep getting creepier." "He might make a pretty good president," Skeemo said. "Ha!" said Winton Bonelock. |
| "It might help telling him if he doesn't step down there won't BE a United States to be president of." Said Winton Meanwhile Shazar the Fly was looking at Books "What are you looking at Shazar?" Asked Sapphire "I once heard of a story of a Great and Powerful Wizard."Said Shazar "He was an Ancient Tortoise of Great Wisdom..." |
| Sapphire scratched her chin. "Ordinarily, I would tell someone like you to not spend so much time reading books and to experience more time doing real life stuff, but since you fell out of a book I'm not sure what your real life is. Was it in the book? Or is it out of the book? It's a puzzle." "I like puzzles," Shazar said. "There is a puzzle here now, isn't there, about who will be president next?" "Yes, that damn Magic Monkey seems about to get it and I do NOT want that to happen!" |
| "Well."Said Shazar "That's why I was looking for the Book with the Tortoise Wizard, maybe he can help us!" |
| "Who is this Tortoise Wizard?" Skeemo asked. "If he is in a book we wouldn't know how to get him here. We don't even know how you got here, Shazar." |
| "You have a point," said Shazar. "Could try Crazy Dave," said Sam. "The guy with the mutant plants?" Skeemo asked. "He's bound to have something," said Sam. "And they're Bio-engineered, not Mutants. He's touchy on that sort of thing." |
| Sam took Shazar out to see Crazy Dave. Crazy Dave was thrilled with the idea of a humanimal housefly. "Glory be! You don't usually think of insects in these roles, but I'm open to it. Fits in nicely with my warrior plant concepts. In fact, I'm thinking a big intelligent pollinator would be nice to have around the compound here. It would save me a lot of work using artificial techniques to pollinate my babies." Sam made a sweeping gesture that took in the thousands of plants Crazy Dave had growing in his fields and greenhouses. "Got anything new on the lot?" "There is always new stuff, Sam. I've got a sweet little guy here that I call June Bug. Doesn't look like much, does he?" "No," Sam said. The little plant was an iridescent green color like a beetle. Otherwise it just looked like two leaves on a stalk with some kind of swelling at the base of the leaves. "What does it do?" |
| "Let me put it this way, you don't want to kick the thing, especially when it's in the ground," said Dave. "What happens?" Sam asked, as he looked at a fully grown sample. Dave grinned. "Why don't you kick it and find out." Sam looked at Dave. "Don't worry," said Dave. "Nothing real bad's going to happen." "I'll hold you to that," said Sam, as he walked over. He then nudged the stalk with his foot. Nothing. "You've got to kick it a bit harder than that," said Dave. "As if you mean it." Sam rolled his eye. "Alright." He kicked it, and the ground fell out beneath him, causing him to yell out "Oh Shit!" He landed with a splash, his legs hurting as they hit the bottom of the shaft, or whatever, forcing him to sit down. He looked up, only for daylight to disappear. "Dave! What the Hell just happened?" "It's based off of the Pitcher Plant types of Carnivorous plants, with a trapdoor lid," came Dave's voice. "Kick the stalk, and it's a eight foot drop into two feet of water. Thing is, that's not water, it's a tranquilizer. After thirty minutes, the victim will have trouble standing, that is if the drop hasn't caused him any leg pain of the sort that forces him to sit. After a while, the liquid is transferred to the stalk, and the chamber produces a mist of sorts, to keep the victim asleep, until such a time it's possible to remove the occupant." "And if the occupant tries to claw their way out?" Sam asked, as he felt the walls, which were covered in some sort of slime. "It's far too slick for them to just climb out without the aid of a rope, and a winch," said Dave. "Also, the lid on top only opens inward, not outward, so even if you could climb up, you're not getting out." "In that case, get me the Hell out of here!" A little while later, Sam was wearing a robe, while his clothes were decontaminated. "So, got anything else? Something less passive? Got anything that's actually mobile?" Dave grinned. "I might have something; Triffids." "You mean like the ones in that Cold War Era Sci-Fi story?" Sam asked. Dave laughed. "Not quite. They move around, and they do blind their victims, but said blindness is temporary. I've been splicing the mobility genes in with some of my other creations, like the Peashooter Family, to make mobile forms of those." |
| "We don't have very much time." Sam said "At any moment the Life Is Group could launch their missiles at the US!" "I have faith in the secret society of wizards and warriors." Said Dave "They'll do anything in they're power to disable those missiles." |
| "And what many people don't know," Dave added, "is not only that there are fabulous magical shields protecting the USA, there are also some of my plants on the front lines!" "No kidding!" Skeemo said. "Congratulations, Dave. A government contract. I'll bet that's sweet." "It pays well," Dave said, "but it's heart warming to know I am helping to protect the country. Tell you what. Take these seeds and plant them in the basement of the Felcanrod offices. They will grow into an organic bomb shelter that can keep you alive for up to 14 days and protect from radiation." "Uh... I hope things don't get that bad, Dave." "Oh, I do too!" Dave said. "It's just a little back up insurance for you so you don't have to worry about so many things." "Well, we get paid to worry so it's not so bad." They returned to the Felcanrod office with a dozen of Crazy Dave's seedlings in the trunk of their car. "That Dave is alright!" Skeemo said. Sam grabbed the phone. "Now to hear the latest from the Secret Society of Wizards and Warriors. Good news, I hope." |
| "And if it isn't?" Skeemo asked. "Let's hope there's a short in the wires of the right locations," said Sam. |
| "Hey." Came the Voice of Winton Bonelock's Nephew Marvin Bonelock "We just discovered something." "What is that?" Asked Sam "The Terrorists of Life Is...They're not actually...Human." Said the Young Troll "What do you not Human?" Asked Sam "They look Human on the outside..." Said Marvin "...But on the inside they have no organs! They're all crude oilon the inside!" |
| "Oil creatures!" Skeemo said. "It must be a reaction to all the oil we have been pumping out of the earth." Sam looked at him with admiration. "You explained that so quickly!" Skeemo shrugged. "It's what I do. But this means they have a giant weakness. They're flammable." "I'll call Crazy Dave and tell him to send every flamethrower plant that he has." |
| Meanwhile Marvin Bonelock the Troll and his Friend Ttark the 'Creature' (A Weird Animal that looked like this http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/poohadventures/images/6/6b/0517ttark.gif/rev...) Were surrounded by slimy blobs of living oil that they had cut out of their human disguises. "Those weren't disguises!" Said one of the Blobs "We were once Human Beings until something mutated us!" |
| "Right," Marvin said. "Like we are going to believe that. You're just saying that to try to save your lives." Meanwhile Crazy Dave had delivered the first of the flamethrower plants and this looked like a good opportunity to test them. Some oil creatures were put in a cage and the cage was surrounded by flamethrower plants of two types, Zippo Zinnias and Guacamole Gladiolas. The Zippo Zinnias had a narrow intense torch of fire while the Guacamole Gladiolas emitted a burst of pure heat that warmed the entire area. "Open the cage!" Dave said. But the oil creatures remained huddled inside. "They won't come out," Skeemo said. "They know what's going to happen." |
| (Um,the Life Is HQ is in Saudi Arabia...I'm assuming Dave has a teleportal) (I think we are in Nevada testing Dave's plants against the oil creatures.) More of Crazy Dave's fire breathing plants arrived. |
| The oil creatures in the test cage refused to come out and be tested. "Give them a quick zap of Zinnia!" Dave said. "That will make them move." But the results were even more spectacular than expected. The oil creatures exploded into fireballs when the Zinnia zaps hit them. "Yowee!" Dave yelled. "Run for cover!" "I think we better put warning labels on these Zinnias," Skeemo said. |
| "That's a big mystery," Skeemo said. "But I'll bet human oil drilling activity has something to do with it. What do you think?" Meanwhile, Magic Monkey was winning primary after primary. The strange thing was, even his own party did not want him to become the candidate. They launched a "Stop the Monkey!" movement against him. Skeemo found himself shaking his head and snorting and making mocking remarks as he watched the news. "This is the goofiest election year ever!" |
| "Perhaps if the one party got its stuff together, with the secondary runner, and third runner, along with the rest, threw its support behind the front runner, that side might have a better shot at winning," said Sam. "As for the Monkey's party, if guys 3 through 5 threw their support behind the number 2 man, the monkey might start loosing." |
| Sapphire looked at the flaming oil creatures and thought about all the oik that spilled into the ocean...What if the oil that spilled into the sea mutated? |
| What would the oil mutate into? Sapphire wondered what mermaids made of oil would be like. Would they be slippery and shine with those strange blue and purple colors that oil on water has? Would their long dark hair glisten in the sun? The day came when the Allied Coalition had surrounded the headquarters city of the Life Is radicals. In a final last ditch effort, Life Is sent forth ten thousand oil creatures to attack the besieging army. Many of the approaching oil creatures were turned into fireballs by Allied weaponry, but inevitably a few made it all the way to the lines where they could not be exploded without killing allied troops. "Break out the giant soap dispensers!" yelled General Buck Corrigan. "Emulsify the bastards!" |
| The next day, the battle report was on the news - Victory, with minimal casualties for Coalition forces. "I guess that's that," said Sam, as the report played in the office. The news then talked about the Presidential Campaign - Magic Monkey had managed to win the delegates from yet another state. "Well, if nothing else, he's not taking credit for the military victories," said Sam. "That would be in really bad taste." |
| That's when Sapphire Shores noticed who was the Democratic Nominee who was winning the primaries (I'm assuming Magic Monkey is an allegory for Trump so here is my allegory for Sanders) Sapphire recognized that face immediately "It's Bernie Sandwiches!" Sapphire said "Who is Bernie Sandwiches?" Asked Skeemo "He's a Mutated Animal I helped liberate from a lab when I was still a teenager." Said Sapphire "Some scientists were taking normal animals and trying to see if they could mutate into near Humanoid Form, one of those a Chameleon -Look! See the slight scaliness of the skin and the way the eyes move in two different directions! He's a Humanoid Chameleon!" "OK." Said Sam "What does that prove?" "Magic Monkey has been running on the premise he'll be the first Animal President...Does he not know he's running against a Mutant Lizard?" |
| "I'm sure he does," Sam said, "but that doesn't disprove what he said. If either of them wins, then they will be the first animal president." "What about Magic Monkey's competition for the nomination, Dead Loser?" Skeemo asked. "Isn't he a snake?" "No, he's Canadian, but with a name like Dead Loser he has no chance, does he?" |
| "So, who do you want?" Skeemo asked. "There's always Hilaria Clayton," said Sam, pointing at a brownish robin. "Husband is a former President." "Wasn't he the one they caught having oral sex with his secretary?" Skeemo asked. "They all do that sort of thing," said Sam. "He just got caught at it. Good president otherwise." "So, who do you want?" Sapphire asked. "Truth be told, I can't figure out which one I dislike the least," said Sam. |
| "And you can't help but like a guy with a name like Sandwiches," Skeemo said. "Still.. I'm betting Magic Monkey is the only one that will really make us great again." "So who wants to be great?" Sapphire said. "I'd settle for warm and comfortable. You try to be King of the Hill and you are forever fighting with those who want to take your place." |
| "Doesn't matter much," said Sam. "Those Life guys have been dealt with, the issue of MM has been dealt with, and quite frankly, there's another issue that ought to be taken care of." "What's that?" Skeemo asked. "Pepe de Fourrure still has his phony psychic shop across the street," said Sam. "And he's still doing consultations, conning women out of their money." Sapphire chuckled. "He does act like the perfect gentleman you know, especially with that French accent of his." Sam scoffed at this. "Well, have you forgotten something else about a flea being arrested for the murder of his girlfriend?" |
| "Tay McKie," Skeemo said. "The ball player. And Pepe de Fourrure claims he knows who the real murderer is." "To be fair," Sam said. "I think he claims to know someone who knows." "But where is Tay now?" "Either still in jail or out on bond." |
| "Je t'ai dit; il est dans un endroit sûr. (I've told you; he's in a safe place.)" said a familiar voice. Sam looked up, and saw Pepe come in through an open door. "How did you know we were talking about the case?" The skunk grinned. "Je suis psychique, et les esprits m'a dit. (I'm psychic, and the spirits told me.)" "Really?" Sam asked. "That and I read lips," Pepe said, switching to English. "Also, his girlfriend has been bothering me; she's always interrupting other peoples' meetings with their relations on the other side. Do you know how difficult it is to get a restraining order on a dead person?" He then saw Sapphire, and walked up to her. "I happen to know of a very nice restaurant that specializes in seafood, if you're interested. What would you say to a candlelight dinner? Some red wine, exquisite food, and charming company would get me in the mood to really get to know you. Might even give you some advice from your family on the other side, no?" |
| "Um..." Sapphire said inching away slowly "I've got a lot of obligations at the moment. Like clearing Tay Mckie's Name." |
| Pepe reached for Sapphire's hand and leaned over to kiss it. "Ah, but ma belle amie, I can help you weeth zat, can I not?" Sapphire yanked her hand away and turned to her two Felcanrod partners. "Help! I need a restraining order!" Skeemo laughed. "Uh, Pepe, perhaps you are a bit too aggressive for Sapphire's taste. She likes her men muzzled and leashed." |
| "C'est la vie. (Such is life,)" said Pepe. The skunk looked at Sam. "Peut-être votre ami Susan serait prêt à me aider là-bas. (Perhaps your friend Susan would be willing to help me out there.)" "Good luck with that," said Sam. "Where's McKie?" Pepe chuckled. "Vivre dans la salle arrière de ma place. le maintient hors de l'ennui. (Living in the back room of my place. Keeps him out of trouble.)" Sam groaned at this. "Why?" Pepe grinned. "Because no one would suspect him of hiding there." "You could get in trouble for it," said Sam. "Harboring a fugitive is a criminal offence." "That's only if one does it willingly," said Pepe. "He doesn't know that I know he's there." |
| "Pepe?" Skeemo said. "Now is the time for you to tell us everything you know if we are ever going to clear Tay McKie's name." |
| "It's simple," said Pepe. "The girlfriend worked for a company that specialized in some rather lucrative technology. The boss would give her the data to keep safe in her home, as no one would suspect a secretary of keeping such sensitive information. A spy from a rival company found out though, and decided to ransack the place, just as she came home from a date." "What happened?" Sam asked. "Her's what her spirit told me, in her own words" said Pepe. "'I had been out with Tay. We'd had a few drinks, went to a nightclub, saw a movie, and, to my surprise, he proposed to me, showing me a rather lovely diamond ring. I told him I'd have to think about it, and I'd let him know the next night. Truth be told, I wanted to tell him yes, but mother always said that such decisions are best made with a clear mind. I wish that I could have told him.' It's quite tragic when you think about it Sam, poor girl wants to say yes, only to be killed before she could." Sam growled. "Finish the rest of the story." Pepe frowned. "Alright. Here's the rest. 'I got home at around ten thirty - I could tell this because my one neighbor had some stupid zombie show on, like he usually does. I entered my home, and that was when I heard the sound of glass breaking. I went to the kitchen, and grabbed a steak knife, just in case. I went to my home office, and I saw Mr. Jenkins, an electrician the company had hired for some rewiring. I asked him what was he doing at my house. He ran, trying to get out, shoving into me, causing me to fall to the floor, and the knife to enter my chest. I heard Tay call from the front door, which frightened Mr. Jenkins even more than he already was. Mr. Jenkins ran out the back door, just as Tay came in. He found me, and saw the knife. I told him not to, but he pulled the knife out. You're not supposed to pull objects out of the wound, for they act like plugs to stop the bleeding, but he thought that he was saving my life. He didn't mean for it to happen, neither of them. It was an accident.'" Pepe looked at Sam. "Like I said, tragic." "So, this Mr. Jenkins," said Sam. "Did you track him down?" Pepe nodded. "I know where he lives. He's got a wife, two kids, a middle-wage job for Kristan Electronics, rival to Deltan Electronics. According to my sources, Mr. Jenkins was approached by the Kristan CEO to go and spy on Deltan, and steal their electronics information, using his previous electrician job as a cover to get the information. Decent man overall, just in the wrong place at the wrong time." |
| Skeemo had an a skeptical eyebrow upturned. "Mr. Jenkins a decent man? I think not. After all, he was committing a crime, trespassing, and that crime led directly to the girlfriend's death." Sam shrugged. "I'm just saying compared to the average citizen, Jenkins is not exceptionally bad." "But what do we do?" Sapphire said? "Get Jenkins to admit what really happened?" "That sounds like a plan," said Skeemo. "Pepe, the address of the trespasser, please. We have some persuading to do." |
| "In that case, you might want to get the Police, as they ought to be on hand for this," said Pepe. "And we have to stop at my place, and drag Tay out of the back room, as he ought to see this. Also, I'm coming." "Why's that?" Sam asked. "Because I'm going to have to use some fake psychic bullshit to trick Mr. Jenkins, or should I say, Carl Morrison, into confessing," said Pepe. "That and Rachel has a message she wants to give Tay." "What do you mean by fake psychic bullshit?" Sam asked. "Let me put it this way, I'm merely a translator, or an interpreter, for the Living Impaired, as it were," said Pepe. "I could pass on the message like a German who doesn't speak English, but understands it, uses another person to talk to an American. But people pay more when I act like the person they want to talk to, as if they've had one last meeting with them. In short, I'm going to act out poor Michelle's final moments, and I'm a very good actor." "So, you're going to put on this act at Carl's place?" Skeemo asked. Pepe grinned. "No, because after we pick up our guests, we're going to Michelle's place. After all, that's where her 'residual energy' is strongest at." "So, you're going to con the guy into confessing?" Sapphire asked. "That's one way of putting it," said Pepe. "Another way to look at it is that we are simply convincing him to express his guilt, and rid his poor heart of this terrible burden." Sam looked at his partners. "Well, it doesn't sound illegal to me. We'd best get Penny, and whomever's lead on the case, to be by us, so that this can be done legally." |
| Skeemo shook his head. "It sounds so complicated! Really, Pepe, does it have to be THIS complicated?" Pepe laughed. "Ah, Monsieur Skeemo, always weeshing to make things simple and easy. Why do you want to turn life into a children's coloring book? Life is a vast canvas waiting for your palette of oil paints. The more complicated the better!" "So you say," Skeemo said, totally unconvinced of the need for complication. |
| "He might be a nut, but he's a good nut," whispered Sam. "Funny enough, his information is usually correct, although I don't understand how he gets it." Soon enough, the Associates, as well as a few police officers, including Penny, as well as Tay, the flea basketball star, and a human, who seemed to be rather nervous, were at Rachel's place. "What are we doing here?" the rabbit asked. Sam pointed at Pepe, who had his eyes closed, as if calling out to the spirits. "You'd have to ask the skunk." "What am I doing here?" the human asked. "I mean, I might of met the woman at a work conference, but that doesn't mean anything." "Funny, I hear you work for the company that happens to be the rival of the place she works at," said Sam. "A lot of companies are rivals, but that doesn't make them a suspect," the man said. "Mr. Jenkins," Pepe said, in a female sounding voice. "How did you get inside my house?" "What's he talking about?" the man asked. "I don't know a Mr. Jenkins. I'm Carl Morrison." "Pepe here is what you'd call a Medium, or whatever it is you call a person that talks to the dead," said Sam. "Personally, I call it baloney, but you'd be surprised. At the moment, I think he's trying to channel the spirit of Rachel, and let her control his body. Of course, reasonable people don't believe in that sort of thing. Right, Carl?" The man gulped. "Right." "Mr. Jenkins," Pepe said, sounding like a woman. "Why do you have my computer on? What are you doing in my house?" Pepe looked at the man, and grabbed a marker. "I want you out of my house." He stepped forward. "Get away from me!" Carl said, shoving Pepe, The skunk fell to the ground, as if he'd been stabbed. "Mr. Jenkins?" he coughed. "Why? Why were you in my house? Why were you on my computer?" Carl began shaking. "What is he talking about? I've never been here before." Sam looked at the officer who was in charge of the case. "Was the woman's computer checked?" "Haven't gotten around to that," the officer said. Sam put on a set of gloves, as he grabbed a brush and fingerprint powder jar. "Let's take a look," he said, as he walked to the computer. "I'd wager most of the fingerprints on this would be Rachel's. But, I'd wager that there's a set that is not hers, and that is the person who caused her death." He dabbed the brush onto some powder, and placed it near several letter-worn keys. "Don't need to be real smart to figure out the password - probably her birthday or her first pet, or some such thing. Still, I wager that the intruder touched the computer, and left their prints. Makes one wonder what would happen if this was actually checked." He moved his brush near the computer when - "I did it," Carl called out. "I was told to get some information from her, but I did not mean to kill her." |
| Skeemo jumped back. "Wh-wh-what was that?" "Probably just a bystander spirit," said Penelope. "When they hear something is up in the spirit world, they tend to flock to it. It's like gawkers at a car wreck." "What about it, Sam?" Skeemo said. "Any fingerprints on that computer?" "I've already confessed," Carl said. "Let's just get his over with. I need to talk to my lawyer." "Slow down," Skeemo said. "We like to dot our eyes and cross our tees." |
| "There is one last thing I need to do," Pepe said, still sounding like a woman. He walked over to Tay. "There's something I need to tell you; yes." "Yes?" "Yes, I would have loved to be your wife." Pepe then kissed the flea. "I'll wait for you." The voice sounded more like Pepe's regular voice, as if leaving the trance he seemed to be in. "Wait!" Tay grabbed a hold of Pepe, and kissed him, as a lover would to one that was leaving them. "Um, I think she felt that one," Pepe said, in his normal voice. He then gave Sam a look that said; They normally don't do that! when I do that. Sam chuckled, as he watched the flea let the skunk go. "Thank you," Tay said. "Um, think nothing of it," Pepe said, as he walked to Sam. He then whispered. "Do you have everything you need? I'd like to get some mouthwash." "Enough to let the police handle it from here," said Sam. |
| 'I don't know who would want to make love to a flea...' Thought Skeemo'...Oh well no accounting for taste.' |
| With all their active accounts properly dealt with, Felcanrod and Associates entered a quiet phase known as "maybe we should get out and drum up some more business?" "This is a good time to modernize our office," Skeemo said. "Can anybody think of any improvements to make?" |
| "Guys..." Said Sapphire "...Have you ever thought about who will take our place when we're too old and infirm?" |
| "I haven't though about it very much," Skeemo said. "Hopefully, that is a long way off. Besides, I always thought we would sell the business and retire. Do you guys see it as more something we should pass on to people we know? I mean, I don't have any kids, so there are no options in that direction." |
| "There's a few I have in mind," said Sam. "That being said, might want to wait a few years before asking to see if they are interested in joining the crew." |
| "That's a good idea!" Skeemo said, with a little too much enthusiasm. Aziza wasn't one of his favorite people, although she had mellowed out quite a bit in the last few months "But Sapphire, are you feeling old and infirm? Anything you want to tell us?" |
| Sam grinned. "You keep on saying that, and yet you never do. You're like a penny that always turns up." |
| "We need you, Sapphire," Skeemo said. "Without you we would be like a three-legged stool that lost a leg. We would topple over." "Maybe Aziza could take over some of your workload?" Sam suggested. "You know, the routine stuff like searching through address lists and phone records." |
| "Besides," said Sam. "You're good with talking to people. Me, I scare people with my face, and most people don't like talking to rats for some reason." |
| "Hey!" Skeemo said, frowning. "But you're right, Sam. And Sapphire, you're the only one of the three of us that is pretty and nice. Aziza cannot compete with you in that department." "You never have liked Aziza, have you?" Sapphire said. "It's not that I don't like her. I just think she's a little rough around the edges. She isn't going to seem professional and business-like to our clients." |
| Before Sapphire could speak, Aziza spoke up. "Oh, cheating wife who is a thief! I like it! Can I do it?" Skeemo almost rolled his eyes. "What do you think, Sapphire? It does sound like a safe case to break in Aziza to the business." |
| "I hope so," Skeemo said. "Mr. Horatio Pindropper will be in this afternoon for an interview." At 2pm, Skeemo, Sam, Sapphire, and Aziza listened to Mr. Pindropper's tale of woe: "From the beginning I thought she might be cheating on me. I wasn't convinced she had completely broken it off with her old boy friend. I had the feeling she might still see him occasionally." "What's his name?" asked Aziza. "Butch Winker," Horatio said. Aziza wrote it down and said, "Please continue..." "My wife is an elf, you know, so she-" "What's her name?" interrupted Aziza. "Evelyn," said Horatio. "Anyway, she is an elf and they have kind of a carefree attitude toward life so she didn't think it was a big deal if she might happen to see Butch occasionally, by accident, somewhere. It's a small town, she would say. We can't help but bump into each other now and then." |
| "Well, I heard rumors that Butch was a thief at some point in his life, but I didn't see how that affected me," said Horatio. "Maybe I should of checked further." |
| "Got it," Aziza said. "Now what is the specific incident that convinces you she is cheating and why do you say she is a thief? What did she steal from you?" |
| "Five of my bank accounts have been cleaned out!" said Horatio. "Another three have been frozen. That's twenty million all together I don't have/ can't use. That, and she got two one-way tickets to Fiji." |
| "OK..." Said Sam "That sounds pretty obvious...Can you give us a physical description of your elf?" "About five foot three." Said Horatio "Pale complexion with brown hair, green eyes, and some freckles, it's very rare for Elves to have freckles normally their complexions are so clear and perfect they look as though they are made of ivory." "We get it." Said Sam "Oh there is something I think you should know..." Said Horatio, this is not something all Elves do this was specific to my Evelyn, Evelyn...WAS crazy for honey...She could never resist it." |
| "I've got it!" Aziza said. Everybody looked at her. "You do?" said Skeemo. "Yes! Evelyn and her boyfriend Butch bought a bee farm in Fiji and they are going to make honey and sell it worldwide." "That's a possibility. Tell you what. Would you like to go to Fiji?" "Skeemo!" Sapphire said. "She can't go to Fiji by herself. She's only a teenager." |
| "I think he means, with the rest of us," said Sam. "Haven't been there since I was fourteen, when Mr. Smitty was down there for business." "What kind of business?" Skeemo asked. "He bought some hotels, and had some of the maids and butlers, and their families, give him the tourist-view-point. Some of us went as if we were highly wealthy, and others went as if they were the average American family," said Sam. "The place I went to was very nice." "So, did you go as if you were Rich, or Average?" Sapphire asked. "Let's just say that my sister had the Spoiled Princess act down to a T." |
| Three days later the Felcanrod crew landed in Fiji to look for Butch and Evelyn. They booked a room at the Pleasant Bay Hotel in the capitol city of Suva on the island of Viti Levu, one of the two large islands that along with many smaller islands form the Pacific Ocean nation of Fiji. "This is great!" Aziza said. "Look! There are little bottles of liquor in the refrigerator." "Not for you to drink," Sapphire said. "Yeah," said Skeemo. "We have to pay extra if any of those bottles are missing. Who wants a hamburger?" "No!" Aziza said. "Seafood!" |
| "I'll talk to the clerk," said Sam. "Locals know all the best places." "What if the place we go to doesn't have anyone who speaks English?" Skeemo asked. "English is the language of Diplomacy," said Sam. "They understand it at any rate. Besides, I'm fairly fluent in a number of the more commonly used languages. You should hear me recite Chinese Poetry, in Chinese." "Doesn't China have over a dozen native languages?" Sapphire asked. "And I'm fluent in five of those, passable in the rest, and I'm good at reading and writing them," said Sam. "Mr. Smitty was like that - get the servants to learn different languages, so that they can take care of the various guests he had to entertain. As for me, I got hooked on it, and kept learning." |
| "I don't think we'll have a problem," Skeemo said. "Tourism is the main industry of Fiji, so you know there is a lot of English spoken." The restaurant was an open-air pavilion with a view of the beach and the food was excellent. "Mmmm, those shrimp were delicious," Skeemo said. "Now I want a tropical desert, something with pineapple in it." A small Chinese man with a grey beard came to their table and bowed before Sam. "Excuse me, honored sir. Are you not Samuel Blacktail, the great mercenary warrior?" Skeemo and Sapphire looked at each other with raised eyebrows. |
| "I'm afraid I don't quite understand you," said Sam. "Have we met before?" "Perhaps you don't recall, but I used to live in California, San Francisco, Chinatown district," the man said. Sam's one eye closed. "Been there a few times. There was a restaurant that I liked." "The Peking Duck." Sam's eye flew open. "Yeah, that's the one. Liked their chicken." "That was my place," the man said. "You saved my son's life." Sam blinked. "Really? I don't recall." The man laughed. "Seriously?" "You'll have to tell me," said Sam. "It's like this," the man said. "My son, he's a good son, he works the cashier. Man comes in, pulls out a gun, a big gun. He points it at my son. He demands all the money. My son, he's a good son, tells him he doesn't have the key to the safe. The man threatens to kill my son. Sam, he's a good man, he comes in, and looks at the menu, asking 'Do you have anything for just a quick bite that's already made?' The man with the gun, he's a bad man, he walks up to Sam, and demands that he put his hands up. Sam, he's a brave man, grabs the man's arm, twists him around, forces him to drop the gun, and then shoves the man outside, before coming in, and asking if the Miso Soup was ready." Sam's eye widened. Then, he laughed. "Must of been when I had that bad head cold. That's a blurry week for me. Five years ago, right?" "That's right," the man said. "You saved my son's life that day. We never forget a debt owed, especially if we owe it." "So, what do you want?" Sam asked. |
| "A few days ago," said the Chinaman, "a man and a woman come to town. Americans. I know because they stay at my daughter's hotel, the Lotus Blossom Inn. Very small. Quiet. A place where people like to stay who do not want to be noticed. You understand?" "Yes," Sam said. "And you think I will find this interesting?" "I think so. If you do not find it so then no harm done." "No," said Sam. "You are right. I do find it interesting. I am grateful for your help." The Chinaman bowed. "It is my privilege to help honored gentleman." After the Chinaman left, Sam rubbed his hands together and grinned at the others around the table. "Well, looks like we won't have to look very far for Butch and Evelyn." |
| "Or, maybe they are just a couple who eloped without the permission of their respective parents," said Skeemo. "Happens from time to time." "Skeemo is right there, for once," said Sapphire. "Nothing wrong with checking it out," said Sam. |
| Evelyn twirled around and kicked up some sand. "Oh, darling, I am so happy!" Butch sat down on a driftwood log and lit a pipe. "I wonder what Mister Horatio Pindropper is up to right now?" "Let's not talk about my husband. That's another place, another time." "Are you ready to go back up to the hotel?" "Not yet. Let's keep dancing." At the open-air pavilion, Skeemo wiped his lips with his napkin. "Is everybody finished eating? What do you say we go have a peek at the Lotus Blossom Inn?" |
| Skeemo rang the desk bell for a second time. The troll woman suddenly blinked her eyes open. "Argh! Welcome to the Lotus Blossom Inn. How many rooms do you need?" "No rooms," Skeemo said. "I just wanted to look around. I heard this was a very nice place to stay." "It is! It is! And very reasonable, too. And right on the beach. Have a look then and then come back here and book some rooms." Aziza and Sapphire had already strolled down toward the water. Now they came running back up the path as Skeemo exited the hotel. "It's them!" Aziza said. "They're here! We saw them. Hide!" Skeemo raised his hands. "OK, calm down. They don't know who we are. Don't act suspiciously. Just walk slowly and talk normally. We don't need to hide. We'll just walk away. Now where did Sam go?" |
| "He's down there with a bucket, picking up shells, keeping an eye on them," said Sapphire. |
| Butch patted the Elf Maiden's fanny. The Elf Maiden giggled. As Sam watched them while he pretended to be hunting for seashells, he wondered why Horatio Pindropper had married an elf woman. They were notoriously unreliable. Their promises were worthless. Sam had never found elves to be very attractive, but apparently human men did. Butch seemed entranced by her. Hmmm, maybe Butch was entranced. Elf magic. Aziza and Sapphire had found a hiding place on the beach side of the hotel where they could observe without being seen. Aziza muttered, "Oh barf!" under her breath at the antics of Butch and Evelyn. Sapphire pinched her and said, "Shhhh..." |
| "Remember what Horatio said about his Elf loving honey?" Asked Aziza "I do." Said Sapphire "Well in Africa we have a slightly more literal version of what Americans call 'A Honey Trap' |
| "It's nothing gross," Aziza said. "Here is how it works-" Sapphire put her hand over Aziza's mouth. "I said I don't want to know." Aziza said, "Mmmf!" and removed Sapphire's hand from her mouth. "Aw, come on! It's really cool! Let me tell you about it!" |
| "It doesn't matter," Aziza said. "You make a big puddle of honey, about two feet deep, and when they step into it they can't get out again." "That might work in Africa," Sapphire said, "but it's totally impractical for use anywhere else. What are you supposed to do? Hire a tank truck full of honey to dump honey somewhere and hope your victim steps into it? What a crazy idea!" "It's not crazy," Aziza said. "I've seen it work." "Shhh!" Sapphire said. Butch and Evelyn came waltzing by on their way back to their room. "I love you!" Evelyn said. "I love you, too," said Butch. "Oh, I just want to cuddle with you all night long!" |
| "I'd tell them to get a room, but they already have one," Sam muttered, as he walked past Sapphire. |
| Later, Skeemo was on the phone with Horatio Pindropper. "We found them. They're staying at a hotel here. Shall we bring them back?" "No," said Horatio Pindropper. "No? What do you want us to do?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" Skeemo frowned. "What do you mean?" "I've had time to think about things and I finally see what my friends were trying to tell me. Don't marry an elf. It was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. I don't want her back. I just want to be rid of her and get on with my life." |
| "Call it a divorce settlement, and I'll leave it at that, so long as I get my other accounts unfrozen," said Horatio. "I don't want her in my life any more than necessary." He hung up. "Some people," said Skeemo. |
| Aziza started crying. "What's the matter with you?" Skeemo said. "My first case and they abandoned me! It's always like this! I'm always getting abandoned." Skeemo looked at Sapphire for help. "It doesn't have anything to do with you," Sapphire said. "The client just changed their mind. That's all." "Noooo," Aziza wailed. "It's me! They found out I was working on their problem so they jumped ship. Waaaa!" |
| "Are you talking to me?" said the anthro dragon. "Uh, no," said Sam. "I was trying to do a sanity check with my friends here." "Because if you're talking to me, I don't count fingers for nobody! Understand?" "Uh huh," Sam said. "So you are real then?" The dragon leaned back and put his hands on his hips. "I'm real. I'm a dragon. Get used to it." |
| "I think this dragon is a clown that got shot out of a circus cannon," said Sam. "With a name like that, it would probably be one of a few jobs they could get without someone laughing at them for no reason." |
| "Yeah!" Skeemo said. "How do you explain the fact you fell out f the sky? That sure sounds like a circus stunt to me." |
| "There are no burn marks on your clothes," Skeemo said, "so you probably didn't come here from outer space. Atmospheric friction would have heated you up. Did you feel warm?" "No," said the dragon. "Then you probably popped through an interdimensional portal. Was there a tingling sensation?" "Maybe just a little." "Definitely a portal, then. Right, Sam?" |
| "Why do you think I know Sci-Fi stuff?" Sam asked. "I wouldn't know any of it." |
| "Not another one!" Skeemo said. "Don't worry," said the dragon. "It's just my stepbrother, Quishy. Hey, Quishy! Yo! Why you come here, bro?" The slime ball plopped down next to them. Its voice was hard to understand. It sounded like someone talking underwater. "Hello, Franky. Mom wondered where you went, then she saw a new portal had opened up in the rec room and she knew you probably slipped out that way." "I don't like being grounded!" Franky said, stamping his dragon feet to match his words. "Yeah? Well, mom says you better get your ass back home or she'll throw your Legos in the trash." "That bitch!" Frankie muttered. "Fine! Nice meeting you people! Maybe I'll be back soon." The dragon scooped the slime ball up in his arms then jumped up and back through the portal. It immediately closed with a sharp snapping sound like a mouse trap being triggered. Skeemo looked around at the others. "What the hell was that all about?" "I don't know," Sam said, "but I think I better lay off the booze for awhile. I'm pretty sure I just had a whopper of a hallucination." "We saw it, too!" Aziza said. |
| A few days later, the group was back in the States. Sam was submitting some documents online. "What's going on?" Skeemo asked. "Seeing about getting some forms." "What kind of forms?" Sapphire asked. "The kind for being Private Detectives," said Sam. "Might help when there isn't a Bounty to hunt down." "I see," said Sapphire. "Similar line of work as we normally do anyways." "Pretty much," said Sam. |
| The young girl's name was Sumi Omigotta. The otter's name was Experimental Animal #428. The name of the lead scientist was Doctor Chang. He was not Japanese. "So now you see the result of using my new Miracle Chang Cream," said Doctor Chang. He was standing in a room with ten other scientists. They were staring at Sumi the Otter Girl. "But why, Doctor Chang?" said one of the scientists. "Why?" "What do you mean why?" said Doctor Chang. "For Science! For the advancement of human knowledge!" "No, I mean why did you force this poor young girl to become an anthropomorphic otter? Clearly she is not happy about it. I am surprised the police are not already here. Where is this girl's parents?" |
| Chang was working for someone called Oroku Saki and he had told Chang to turn people into Animals |
| (Ah, and here I had an idea where the group picks up a thief with a Bounty, who is trying to avoid a man who wants him dead, as the thief saw him commit murder, or some such thing. Oh well, save it for next chapter.) At this point, Sam's phone rang. "Samuel Blacktail of Felcanrod and Associates, No Bounty too large or too - Oh, Mr. Yamamoto, Ogenkidesuka? (How are you doing?)" Sam listened. "Sōdesu ka. On'nanoko wa dono kurai ga kakete imashita ka? (I see. How long has the girl been missing?)" Sam listened some more. "Yoshi. Watashi wa supīkā de anata o oku tsumoridesu. Eigo o shiyō shite kudasai, watashi no nakama wa, Nihon o rikai shite imasen. (Alright. I'm going to put you on speaker. Please use English, my associates don't understand Japanese.)" "What's the matter?" Sapphire asked. "One of Mr. Smitty's business associates is hiring us on behalf of one of his maids," said Sam, as he set the phone down, and turned on the speaker. "The maid's daughter has been kidnapped, and Mr. Yamamoto wishes for us to help locate her, and reunite her with her family." "This guy is hiring us to help locate his maid's missing daughter?" Skeemo asked, as he looked at the phone. "Talk about good employee benefits - need a detective, he'll hire one for you." "I'll listen," said Sapphire. "After all, this is a missing child he's trying to contact us about." "Mr. Yamamoto, you have my friends' attention," said Sam. "Tell us what's going on." |
| Oroku Saki was angrier than he had ever been. He stared daggers at Doctor Chang. "I cannot believe you would do something so foolish! A scientific conference? Really? Has it not crossed your mind that kidnapping young girls and turning them into anthropomorphic animals is illegal? Not to mention that most people would also find it immoral and evil!" Doctor Chang raised his shoulders and spread his hands. "But it's for Science..." "Stop saying that! We do not worship science around here! I hired you to develop a technique and keep it secret! Not go blabbing about it to all your scientific buddies!" "I'm sorry." Oroku Saki calmed down a little. "This girl must be returned to the way she was as soon as possible." Doctor Chang looked sad. "I don't know how to do that." "Well figure it out!" |
| Oroku Saki then pushed a red button that turned off the surveillance in his office "Now that I have rebuked you for the cameras." Said Saki "Let me give you my real criticism downstairs." Saki pressed another button and the entire desk and surrounding area sank to the secret underground basement levels. "When I requested you make me an army of mutants..." Said Saki "...I expected you would Create Creatures of Power, Vicious Animal Mutants...But you created an army of Otters, Beavers, Squirrels, Mice, Songbirds, Deer, Koalas, Kangaroos and RABBITS! I wanted you to create me an army of deadly monsters not rejects from a Disney Movie!" |
| "The Obviously Dangerous animals are way too obvious for authorities to deal with," said Chang. "They see some lion humanimal losing control of themselves, and phht, followed by zonk - one sleeping lion being held in a cell, followed by friendly reminders for humanimals to watch their drinking. Then, once they notice that there's a lot more of these carnivorous humanimals than normal, they'd investigate." "What do you mean?" Saki asked. "Truth is, a lot of these supposedly harmless mutants I've created are far from harmless," said Chang. "Ever hear of Killer Rabbits?" "They're from that Monty Python movie," said Saki. "Your point?" "There's a bit of truth to that skit - rabbits really are quite dangerous - wicked sharp claws, viciously curved fangs filled with bacteria, and more," said Chang. "Truth is, pound for pound, your common household cat is a more dangerous predator than the supposedly majestic lion. A lion kills for food, a cat kills for the sheer pleasure of it. And as for your claim about them being rejects for a Disney movie, the whole cute thing is a misrepresentation due to cartoon animators and Children story-tellers - these creatures are far more dangerous than your typical predator. If I was to pit one of those rabbits against a wolf humanimal, that wolf would be dead within ten seconds. Also, due to the fact that these species are fairly common, even for humanimals, it's unlikely there'd be a serious investigation. After all, most of these humanimal types are known for large litters, or whatever. An additional two hundred lions would be investigated by the humanimals themselves, whereas an additional two hundred mice would not warrent much attention." "So, their danger is in their harmless appearance," said Saki. "What have you done to them?" "For starters, each of them has a chip inserted into the base of their skull, and they are obedient to select people, like me, and you of course." "Go on." "I've also improved them physically, increased strength, speed, capable of holding their breath while underwater for at least ten minutes, if not longer, can jump up in the air at least twenty feet, and that's on the low end, increased healing factor - cut them, and the wound heals within two minutes. Also, with your permission, I can make them intelligent enough to rival Einstein and all the other great thinkers of history." Saki thought about this. "That all sounds useful, even the intelligence for some of them. Tell me, what about laser eye-beams and levitation, and fire breath and ice breath, and things like that?" Chang grinned. "I'm still working on Super Powers. Physical abilities are one thing, but things like what you've just said are proving tricky." "But, it is a start," said Saki. "Very well, continue your research. I don't like using seemingly harmless animals, but I see your point. Just throw in a few lions, tigers, bears, and the like, and that will make me feel happier." "I understand," said Chang. |
| After Felcanrod and Associates finished listening to Mr. Yamamoto's tale of his maid's kidnapped daughter, Sapphire said, "Let's do it. Let's go to Japan. What was the girl's name again?" "Sumi Omigotta." Skeemo looked at Zzrt and Sally. "You guys stay here and mind the office. Aziza and Penelope can come with us." |
| (I'm going to use ^ to represent people talking in Japanese, or perhaps even other languages, to avoid unneeded translations.) Using their personal jet, Felcanrod arrived at one of Mr. Yamamoto's private air fields. That being said, the Tokyo Police Department had officers sent there, investigating each of the bounty hunters. "What is the deal?" Skeemo asked, as the officers went through his suitcase. "They have fairly strict gun control laws here," said Sam. "Thing is, everyone knows that every American carries a gun, or so the stereotype for Americans goes in other countries." "But, you told us to leave that stuff back home," said Sapphire. "Exactly." Sam then watched a guy from a Bomb Squad outfit looked through his things. ^Find anything of interest?^ The officer looked at him. ^No, but we will find what we are looking for. Everyone knows that America is full of armed criminals, and your scars make you look like a criminal.^ Sam narrowed his eye, and glared at the officer. ^I got these scars in a fire that claimed the lives of my wife and unborn son. The rest of it would make you sick to your stomach.^ The officer blinked. ^I'll keep that in mind.^ A little while later, once the officers found nothing, they were escorted to Mr. Yamamoto's estate. Sapphire and Skeemo talked to Mrs Omigotta, with the help of another of Mr. Yamamoto's staff. Sam talked to Mr. Yamamoto himself. ^You must find her,^ said Mr. Yamamoto. ^Sumi is like a granddaughter to me. My one grandson is good friends with her.^ ^Is it possible that someone thought that she was one of your relations?^ Sam asked. ^The thought crossed my mind,^ said Mr. Yamamoto. ^I'm even willing to offer up my own money to pay for the ransom, but no calls. No one has made any claims about having her, no one has asked for money, no boxes with her clothes, or, worse yet, body parts, or anything that typical kidnappers do.^ ^So, she was walking home from school, and then vanished,^ said Sam. ^Always walked home from school, with a pre-loaded debit card worth $50 in American money,^ said Mr. Yamamoto. ^In case she saw something she liked, or wanted to get something to eat. I always loaded it, and I used it to track her habits at times, in case there was something she really wanted for her birthday, or Christmas, or other special occasions, where I might help her out.^ ^Where did she normally go?^ Sam asked. ^There's a comic store she always visited, a fabrics store, a craft and hobby store, an ice cream parlor, one of those American burger restaurants, you know, the ones where when one showed up, the other would be right next to them, Burger King and McDonald's, then there's the fitness place where she tried to work those burgers off.^ ^Where was she last at?^ Sam asked. ^The comic store was her last purchase, but she could of stopped at the others, always talking to the owners is how she is,^ said Mr. Yamamoto. ^You care about her,^ said Sam. ^Very much.^ ^We'll do what we can.^ |
| The comic store seemed like a good place to begin the investigation. Unlike in America, comics in Japan (known as manga) appeal to all ages so there were as many middle-aged customers as there were teenagers. The owner of the comic store was a young beaver man wearing big black glasses. Skeemo showed him a picture of Sumi Omigotta. "We're looking for this girl. She often came into your store." "Oh, yes!" said the beaver. "I know Sumi well. She is a good customer. Always pays with a credit card. Why are you looing for her?" "At the moment she is a missing person and this store is the last place we know where she was. Can you remember anything about the last time you saw her in here?" |
| "It was five days ago, when we had a sale, 'Buy 4 issues, get the 5th for free,'" said the beaver. "She's into a lot of things. Horror, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Romance, Comedy. She's an interesting one. Some people, they just get one series, and once they have all of it, never come back. Sumi, she likes everything. Reads all of it." Sam found himself looking at a set of comics that had a plaque in front of them with some Japanese writing, followed by 18+. Carefully, he moved the plaque, and saw an image of a naked wolf man with a naked human woman in a rather suggestive pose. Out loud, he translated the title. "Love of a Wolf Man." "That's a Best Seller among Mature Audiences," the beaver said. "It's about this immortal wolf demon who falls for mortal human woman. The woman is a priestess, who has to protect a sacred artifact. Originally, the wolf demon desires the artifact, for it can make demons all powerful, but every time he tried to steal the artifact, the priestess used her sacred powers to blast him out of the temple. Funny thing is, she went easy on him. Any other demon would get utterly destroyed, where as he would get some injury that he could easily heal from. Reason has to deal with how he treated folks; typical demon would kill them, whereas he just shoved them out of the way, or at worst, broke their limbs, things that people could survive. Thing is, these encounters with the priestess begins to change the demon, slowly, from desiring the artifact, to instead wanting to be with her, becoming a protector of the village, and more." Sam chuckled. "I'd say so. How much?" "Twenty dollars, in American money," the beaver said. Sam put down his credit card, and picked up a copy of the book. "You sell this to Sumi?" "Not unless her mother or father were with her," the beaver said, swiping Sam's card. "She's only fifteen after all, and it could be trouble to sell a minor something that's meant for adults. Still, that would be something she'd be into. Lately, she's been into the 'Animal Shifters' series. It's about these humans who can transform into animals, and fight crime." "Sounds interesting," said Sam. "You have to admire the things writers come up with." "She got five issues when she came in," said the Beaver. "These ones were about a human girl who turns into an otter." "Did you see what happened after that?" Sam asked. "I can't say that I saw what happened to her, she just left like she normally would," the beaver said. "I thought that she went to the craft shop." "Was there anyone who seemed suspicious by any chance?" Sam asked. "We sell comics and manga here; lots of people dress up and would seem to be suspicious," said the beaver. "Mind you, there was someone who stood out." "Why is that?" Sam asked. "He was dressed like a scientist, but there was no new releases involving scientists, and more importantly, he didn't mingle with those dressed up as scientists." Sam turned his head, and noticed the costumes. "I see." He then saw the security camera. "Got any footage?" |
| Sam and the Beaver studied the security cam footage. "There!" said the Beaver. "That's him!" Sam looked at the tall man convincingly dressed as a scientist. "I don't think he is pretending to be a scientist. I think he really is one. Any way you can make a copy of this section of the recording? I've got my own memory stick you can put it on." "Sure!" said the Beaver. "No problem." He took the memory stick from Sam and gave it back a few minutes later. "There you go. If I can help any more let me know. Sumi was one of my favorite customers." Back at the hotel with Skeemo and Sapphire, Sam showed them the images. "We need to identify this guy. Do you think we should try to get a TV station to show it to the public?" "Only as a last resort," said Skeemo. "Why don't we check with a few universities and research labs first? If this guy is a real scientist then there will be other scientists that know him." |
| "I guess that makes sense," said Sam. "Might of been looking for something for their son or daughter, and that was their time off." |
| The Geology Department of the University of Tokyo identified the man as Mr. Kuroshi Kurazu, a geologist. Skeemo interviewed him. SKEEMO: Mr. Kurazu, you were at the comic book store on the date in question. Is that true? KURAZU: If you say so. SKEEMO: I showed you the security cam footage. KURAZU: Bah! Nowadays these whiz kids with their Photoshop, make it look like you are where you are not. SKEEMO: Are you denying you were at the comic store? KURAZU: No, I am just saying the camera proves nothing. Yes, I was there. I have no reason to deny it. SKEEMO: Look at this photo. Do you know this girl? KURAZU: No. Should I? Back at the office, Skeemo discussed the interview with the others. "Either he's a good liar or he has nothing to do with Sumi's disappearance." Sapphire said, "What reason did he give for being at the comic store?" |
| "Just that he was there," said Skeemo. Sam chuckled. "I checked out the footage a bit while you went to interview him. There's a reason why he didn't say why he was there." "Why's that?" Skeemo asked. "Take a look." He showed them the footage again. "See this guy in the Prince outfit. Kurazu came in right after him. Prince goes, Kuraze, at a distance, follows. Prince looks at him every so often. Kuraze either nods or shakes his head every time Prince picks up a comic or manga, with some being taken, and others left. Prince pays cash, leaves, and so does Kuraze." "What does that prove?" Sapphire asked. "I checked on the stuff that Prince bought; homosexual erotica, men with male lovers to be specific," said Sam. "I also took a look at the door camera from the shop across the street, where Kurazu gave our Prince cash before they went in. In short, Kurazu is in the closet about his sexual preference." "And here I thought that we had the bastard nailed to the wall," said Skeemo. "That being said, I did find a new suspect," said Sam. "Who?" Sapphire asked. "We were on the right track about the scientist bit, but we were looking at the wrong one," said Sam. He zoomed in on the scientists. All but one were talking to the other members of the group. The other seemed to be watching something, or someone. "This guy was watching Sumi, and several other young men, women, boys, and girls." "How do you know?" Skeemo asked. "Geeks talk to each other like everyone else," said Sam. "He didn't talk to any of them, didn't acknowledge any of them, didn't touch any of the comics, didn't talk to the store owner. I also zoomed out, and saw just who he watched. He's a Predator." "I take it that you don't mean he's a meat-eater," said Sapphire. "How can you tell?" Skeemo asked. "It's not uncommon for men, or women, to look at those they think are attractive," said Sam. "It's only People Nature to look at those who could potentially be mates and signal, 'Hello, I like what I see. Do you want to have lunch with me?' and stuff like that. This guy however, stares long after the other has made it clear 'I'm not interested in having a mate right now. See someone else.' as it were." "Anything else?" Sapphire asked. "My gut tells me he knows something," said Sam. "Well, that's never been wrong before," said Skeemo. "That, and I did some digging," said Sam. "Geneticist, Zoologist, and a number of other things. There's a report on him; it claims that he made a substance that turns humans into humanimals. Claimed he turned a girl into an otter." "Who made the report?" Sapphire asked. "It didn't say who," said Sam. "Other scientists are calling the writer a liar, and other such things. Some demand proof, but no photos were given. Of course, some would call out on that anyways." "The guy's name?" Skeemo asked. "Something Chang, or whatever," said Sam. "The rest isn't given." |
| Just then the three of them heard a scream! They turned and saw a running half human/half Huamnimal, the Young Man's Humanimal Half was that of a Housefly, his lower half was Human, he was clothed only in bandages he had a Fly's head, and extra set of arms and gossamer wings "OH GOD! OH GOD!" He screamed over and over again |
| Sam put out his arms to stop the running man. "Hey! Slow down! Easy there! What happened?" The man collapsed on the ground, gasping for breath. "He's insane... he's crazy.. he's a mad scientist!" "Who?" Skeemo said. "Doctor Chang!" Meanwhile, Oroku Saki was conferring in his office with his "business" partners. "He is becoming a liability, I am afraid. I had high hopes for Doctor Chang and his work, but socially he is a bumbling idiot doing things no cautious man would do. I have a spy in his laboratory who tells me that despite my orders, he has done another "experiment" and the victim has escaped! Gentlemen! I'm afraid the time has come to decide whether we need to cut our losses and get out of this while we still can." A broad-shouldered, water buffalo man said, "Does that include liquidating Chang?" |
| "Yes, but make it look like an accident," said Saki. "Accidents are rarely seriously investigated, where obviously violent deaths get checked out." |
| "Do you have any warm sugar water?" asked the Fly Man. "I find that very soothing to drink." Doctor Chang was diving to work when a truck coming the other way crossed the centerline and came barreling straight toward him. Chang yanked the wheel over and barely avoided a head-on collision. The truck kept going and did not stop. What bothered Chang was that the truck driver had been wearing a helmet and safety gear. It was almost as if he knew he was going to be in an accident. |
| "I am Ricardo Montovani," said the Fly Man. "I was on vacation when I was approached by a Chinese man who asked me if I wanted to see the Forbidden Temple." "What is the Forbidden Temple?" asked Skeemo. "That was my question to the Chinaman! He said it was a secret Holy Place that tourists never saw, but he had keys to it and would show me." "You fell for that?" "What can I say?" said the Fly Man. "It seems obviously a scam now, but at the time it seemed reasonable. I did get suspicious when we approached a rather ordinary-looking concrete building and entered. Well, long story short, I must have been knocked out somehow, because when I woke up again, I was half a fly!" |
| "You could be dead," said Sam. "Think you could remember where this place is?" "Not really," said Ricardo. "I can't even understand the basic street sign around here." |
| "That figures..." Said Sapphire She turned to Sam and Skeemo "Do you think we could track his scent backwards to find the place he fled from?" |
| Skeemo looked at Sam. "You're the one with best nose. Shall we give it a try?" |
| "Best to get a hold of the Tokyo police department," said Sam. "This is their backyard after all." |
| At the Tokyo Police Department Detective Hari Karakawa spoke with them. "Yes, I see. You want to find people who turn man into fly. Haha! Very good! This is an American prank, yes? Am I on TV now? Where are the cameras?" |
| Sam growled, and spoke in Japanese. ^If you think that me and my friends are here to fool around, rest assured, we don't pull these kinds of stunts. There's a girl we're trying to find. I consider it to be a matter of professional courtesy, from one former cop to another cop, to try to work with the locals, so that I'm not accused of making them look bad, or potentially denying them the honor of apprehending criminals that they should capture.^ Hari looked at him. ^Your average American just charges on in, guns blazing, with no thought for anything, except money.^ Sam saw a picture frame on the detective's desk. ^Son, or daughter?^ ^What?^ ^The picture; son or daughter?^ Hari smiled. ^I was twice blessed, two sons, and two daughters. I'd do anything for them.^ ^I lost mine,^ said Sam. ^Every day I wake up, I wonder what we would be doing if the fates had been kinder; fishing, hunting, talking about girls, or boys, by now. Every day, I feel the loss, of never knowing what it is I lost. I see other fathers with their children, and I wonder what my child would have been like. Would they have taken after me, or their mother, who I also lost.^ Hari frowned. ^I see. It's pain that drives you.^ Sam nodded. ^I don't want anyone else to feel that kind of pain.^ |
| Detective Hari Karakawa switched back to English so that Skeemo could understand him. "Very well. I am sorry if I offend you. I will help. Tokyo police will help." "We know Tokyo has lots of security cameras," Skeemo said. "If we could have access to any recordings that we needed?" "Yes, you willl have it." "We have several clues that we want to follow up on. Will you be the detective working with us?" |
| "Which case are you investigating?" Hari asked. Sam put down a picture of Sumi Omigotta. "She's the main one, but given what we've found, there could be others." "You're looking for the daughter of a maid?" Hari asked. "I'm surprised she can afford you." "Her boss is a friend of my former father-in-law, whom I'm still close with," said Sam. "That gentleman likes talking about me, so when a friend of his asks me for help, I at least listen." "Have you any suspects?" Hari asked. "Some Chinese scientist named Chang," said Sam. "Chang is a common name, and there's plenty of Chinese people who live in Japan," said Hari. "My own mother's full-blood Chinese - her family, that is her mother's and father's families, came here when Mao's Communist Party took control there. They're mostly in their Chinatowns, as you'd call them, holding onto their traditions, but the younger ones are starting to identify themselves as Japanese, and drop the Chinese part, sometimes wholeheartedly." Sam grinned. "I can handle Chinese." |
| Sapphire held up a shard of blood covered in glass "Look at this!" She said Sam sniffed "That smells like Human mixed with Housefly." |
| "But where did the glass come from?" asked Sapphire. Detective Harakawa was examining the glass. "From an automobile windshield. You see? It is laminated safety glass." "So maybe the Fly Man was in a car wreck?" "Maybe, or maybe he slip and fall on some glass in road left over from a car wreck." "About Chang..." Sam said. "Oh... yes... I will give you a listing of all the Changs in Tokyo if you like. Might be several thousand of them." "Just give me a list of the ones who have doctor or professor next to their name. We'll start there." |
| His assistant, a weasel named Leonard, said, "You seem nervous lately, Doctor Chang. Is everything alright?" "No," said Chang. "Everything is NOT alright. Oroku Saki no longer trusts me. I think he is trying to have me killed!" "Now don't be too paranoid, doctor. He is the one paying for the lab." "I think he's had a change of heart. Now he wants to get out of it. A truck almost ran me down yesterday!" Leonard shrugged. "Automobile accidents happen. That doesn't mean anyone is trying to kill you." "The truck driver was wearing safety gear - a helmet even! It was like he knew he was going to be in a crash." Leonard the easel looked thoughtful. "Hmmm... I guess I should tell you, Doctor Chang. Someone was asking about your whereabouts. They wanted to know when you would be in the lab." "What?! Did you tell them anything?" "No, I said it was none of their business and hung up." Doctor Chang sighed in relief. "But you see what I mean? Things are happening and I am nervous." |
| "You could always go to the United States of America," said Leonard. "It's easy to hide there." "How?" Chang asked. "Be a janitor at a lab," said Leonard. "No one ever looks at a member of the cleaning crew." |
| "I guess you would have to start over and do them in secret," Leonard said. "But in America they have many billionaires and one of them is almost certain to give you enough money to build a secret laboratory." "What makes you think that?" |
| "Got a brother who got paid millions to make perfect bodyguard for one rich man," said Leonard. "Guard so perfect, no one suspect that the guard is a guard." "What do you mean?" Chang asked. "People think that guard is trophy wife, but she is a deadly assassin." |
| When Chang woke up he felt very groggy and had no idea how long he had been asleep. He also had no idea where he was. He was lying on a cot in a plain-looking room. The only other furniture was a chest and a chair and a small table. He looked in the chest and saw that some of his clothes and other belongings were there. There was no window and only one door. The door had a little pane of glass in it and somebody was peeking in. Then the door opened and a jackal man walked in. "So, you are awake Doctor Chang. No doubt you have many questions, like where are you and why are you here." |
| "Let's start with those ones," said Chang, as he rubbed his neck. "Got any Advil or something? I think I have a headache from whatever you used on me." The jackal grinned. "In a moment. From now on, you work for my organization." Chang scoffed at this. "Nice try. Once my lawyer gets a hold of you, everything you have, will belong to me." The jackal chuckled. He then pulled out a remote. "See this?" Chang looked. "What of it?" The Jackal pressed a button. Chang became as still as a statue, unable to move, save involuntary reactions, like blinking, and breathing, and seeing, and smelling, and hearing, as well as tasting and feeling. "Nice little item," said the jackal. "Insert a chip, very small, and discreet, right in the back of the neck, and I can control you with ease." The jackal pressed another button. Change stood straight up, and saluted, like a soldier acknowledging a superior officer. "Whatever has been programmed for this button, you'd do," said the jackal. "If I want you to dance the Tango, you'll Tango. If I want you to kill someone, you'll kill them. If I want you to step out into a busy intersection with cars coming at you in every direction, you'll do it. If I want you to put a gun to your head and blow your brains out, well, you get the picture." He pressed another button. Chang lowered his arm, and collapsed into a chair. "That's inhuman, and very much illegal." "So is mutating people to turn them into living assassins," said the jackal. "Clever job by the way." "What have you done to my test subjects?" "Nothing," the jackal said. "Of course, I've sent their location to a certain bounty hunter I know of, and you ought to be glad I got to you before he did." "What do you mean?" "If he got to you, you'd be dead," the jackal said. "As it is, he'll instead rescue those you mutated, and collect his money." "And me?" "Work for me, or I'll send you to him." "Why do you want me?" "I'm the sort that believes in redemption," the jackal said. "Work for me, and you might save your soul. Otherwise, well, let's face it, you'd be as good as dead otherwise." "So, what do you want me to do?" "I want you to be helpful to people for a change," said the jackal. |
| "What is your name?" Asked Chang "Call me Anubis." Said the Jackal "That's original." Chang said sarcastically |
| "You would be surprised at how far back in time my family goes," said Anubis. "Have you considered my proposal? Are you now working for me?" "Damn it!" Chang growled. "What choice do you give me?" "You can choose yes or no." "But no leads to death and yes leads to servitude. It's a choice between two evils. Very well. I choose a life of servitude, master." Sam received a surprising message on his smart phone. "Look at this," he said to Skeemo and Sapphire. Skeemo read the message: The other victims of Doctor Chang may be found at the Harbor Hotel, room 322. "Is it for real?" Sapphire asked. |
| Sam looked at the message again, checking the IP Address. "Yeah, it's legit, and I know who sent it." "Who?" Skeemo asked. "A guy who makes me seem like a meter maid by comparison," said Sam. "Before I met you guys, I was running solo. Shortly after I left the Boston Police Department, a man hired me to find, and return, his daughter, who had been kidnapped by this group. Managed to track them down, but I wasn't used to being half blind at the time, and didn't notice the other guy hiding in the dark. I got caught, and they would of killed me, except for one thing - they recognized who I was, and realized I was worth millions, if not billions, due to me being one of Mr. Smitty's heirs, so they tossed me into a cell, where I met up with this accountant, or so I thought he was one. Told me he was a hacker that the group was planning to use to get some rather vital information about certain National Secrets, which would be devastating in the wrong hands. I didn't believe him of course." "What happened?" Sapphire asked. "I had some medicine, to help me deal with my injuries, special eye and ear medicines, and such, which my captors were generous enough to let me keep, and the meal was baked beans and bacon," said Sam. "Between them and some salt and pepper, and milk, and a napkin, he took care of the door. A guard cam to investigate, I took him out, and took his gun. This guy, he took a No.2 Pencil, unsharpened. I laughed at him, and then over a dozen goons showed up; he killed ten of them with the eraser alone." "Seriously?" Skeemo asked. "I though that I was seeing things myself," said Sam. "Then, he split it open, and used the lead to free the girl, don't ask me how though. Then, he used the two pencil halves to kill another twenty goons." "So, how many goons did you kill?" Sapphire asked. "All total, seven, and I was armed with a handgun, and some clips for it," said Sam. "After I got out of the place with the girl, he vanished, the police showed up, and a legend was born. Everyone thought that I'd taken out the entire organization, who were a bunch of home-grown terrorists, and soon, I was getting calls." "You ever meet up with him again?" Skeemo asked. Sam nodded. "Month later, I stopped at a gas station/diner, and there he was. Called himself Anubis, and claimed to be part of an organization that dealt with criminals the public didn't know about. He thanked me for my aid, paid for my meal, and for my gas, and said he'd be in touch." |
| Based on that, Felcanrod went to the Harbor Hotel along with a couple of ambulances and a squad of police, but they met with no resistance. There were three other victims of Doctor Chang's work, all girls, all in the same hotel room and all apparently in good health physically despite their psychological trauma. One of the girls was the one they were seeking, Sumi Omigotta. She seemed to be in good spirits, despite being an otter, but otters are known for their happy, playful attitudes. Sumi the otter girl would adjust well. The girl who had been turned into a skunk was particularly upset, but Skeemo assured her that her scent glands could be removed by any reasonably competent veterinarian. "I'm so happy we found you!" Sapphire said. In the days to come, Anubis would use the chip he implanted in Doctor Chang's skull to gradually convert Chang into a force for good instead of evil. Doctor Chang resisted with all his might, but though his will was strong, it was no match for the chip in his head. Felcanrod never did find out what became of Doctor Chang. His case file was stamped: Whereabouts unkown. Most likely this is the end of Chapter 7, but if I left any loose ends dangling, please tie them up with your addition. Since Felcanrod 4 is over 400 additions in length now, if there is another Felcanrod story it will be in the next Felcanrod, Felcanrod 5. But first, let's go on a summer vacation hiatus and if we do decide to bring Felcanrod back for a 5th run, let it be later in the summer. Se you later, Sam and Sapphire!  |
| (Great! We won't have to spend any time thinking about what to do!) The End! |
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