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Talking animals use the power of gems and crystals |
| [Introduction]
Crystal City is the gathering place for practitioners of gem magic and crystal healing and also the darker arts of malevolent minerology. Clickable Links Chapter 1: Ernie in Crystal City Chapter 2: Competition Chapter 3: Wings Chapter 4: Mud Town Chapter 5: Philippe's rock Chapter 6: Long Ago Chapter 7: The Red Fox Chapter 8: Daisy Chapter 9: Ernie in Gemtown Chapter 10: Featheropolis |
| Meanwhile outside Ernie's Crystal Shop, an Elderly Owl Witch watched, squinting because of the bright sunshine. "Soon..." She said to herself "Soon I will have the Crystals I need for the Ultimate Spell!" |
| A young Robin walking by heard her and said, "What kind of spell is that, Grandma?" The Owl Witch shushed him away. "Be off with you, impertinent boy!" The Robin kept walking, but called back, "Crazy old hoot owl talking to herself!" Ernie came to the door of his shop. "Want you come in, Madam? I have some lovely gems and crystals. Just got some really beautiful Amethyst in from the collectors." "I don't need any Amethyst," she said. |
| "I fear you currently don't have what I need today." Said Madam Owl. "What would that be?" Asked Ernie "What I need today." Said Madam Owl "Is a Ruby Sunstone." Ernie thought for a "I know what a ruby is..But what is a sunstone?" "You'll know in two days time." Said Madam Owl "I foresee it." |
| "Really?" Ernie said. "It sounds as if you have a lot of knowledge about crystals and the future. Please come in and talk with me. I would love to hear what you have to say." Madame Owl fluffed her feathers. "Well, I suppose I could talk for a few minutes, but I am very busy today." "I understand," Ernie said. "Come on in and I will make us some tea." |
| "You've got a lot of quartz," Madam Owl said. Ernie smiled. "It's very popular among the crystal healers. I take it you are not a healer yourself?" "No, no, I don't think anyone would call me a healer, although I reckon I could do it if I tried." "So you are more of a magician, then?" "You could say that. Do you have any bloodstones?" "Yes, I do," Ernie said. "Let me get them for you. I keep them in the dark." "Very wise," said Madam Owl. "They lose power when exposed to light. I guess you know your trade alright." "I've been doing it for over ten years now." |
| (Is this campfire just you and me?) As Ernie got Madame Owl the blood stones something was happening deep within the mountains |
(Yes, so far. Remember the ones we did together years ago? It seems like nowadays you drop out of campfires as soon as they get going good, so I was curious if you would stick with this one.  )Ernie showed Madam Owl his tray of bloodstones. He only had five of them. They were very rare. "Tell me more about that Ruby Sunstone," he said. "I would be happy to call my friends in the business and see if I can find one for you." |
| "They are the rarest gems of all." Said Madame Owl Meanwhile deep within the Mountains something was stirring the ancient Rock Creatures |
| "Is that so?" said Ernie. "I don't know. There are some pretty rare stones out there. Let me send a message to Old Blimpie. He's been in the business for quite a while." Ernie reached up to a shelf where several birdcages stood. He chose one that had a little red bird in it. Then he wrote a brief message with a fine point pen on a tiny piece of paper and wrapped it around one of the bird's legs.. He went to the door and released the bird. When he returned to the Owl he said, "Old Blimpie should get that message within minutes and I am sure he will come over. He might even have a Ruby Sunstone. He surprises me sometimes." Madame Owl held one of the Bloodstones in her hand. "I might buy this one if the price is reasonable." Ernie wrote the price on a piece of paper and pushed it to where she could read it. |
| Meanwhile elsewhere, where the town met the forest, a Young Garden Snail Helen Noel was taking an evening slither through the forest. She had her packed lunch tied to her shell. Then she heard the sound of the river, even though she had a beverage in her packed lunch she craved the delicious river water. So she slivered to the river and drank deep, and she drank a basket floated down and lodged up against a rock, when Helen noticed the basket she extended her neck to look in the basket...And slithered as fast as a snail can slither back to Mama. What was in the basket? A freshly severed penis |
| Madame Owl looked at the piece of paper on which Ernie had written the price of the bloodstone. "Goodness gracious! I'm not one of those wealthy old ladies with a mansion. I could never pay that much." "The bloodstones are very rare," Ernie said. "I couldn't sell it for much less than that." "Then forget it," said the Owl. Old Blimpie appeared at the door. He was a Koala dressed in a 3-piece grey-striped suit. "What's up. Ernie? Is this the lovely lady who is looking for a Ruby Sunstone?" He bowed at Madam Owl. "Yes," Ernie said. "I take it that you don't have one?" "No," said Blimpie. "I'm afraid not." Blimpie handed Ernie a birdcage. Inside was the little red messenger bird. Ernie put the bird in it's own cage on the shelf and gave Blimpie's cage back to him. Blimpie leaned over and whispered in Ernie's ear. "I heard a strange tale on the way over here about Helen Noel. It's not a proper story for a lady to hear." He nodded toward Madam Owl. Madam Owl was not unaware of the whispering. She finished her tea and said, "This has been interesting, but I must be about my business now. Thank you for showing me your crystals." |
| "So Helen Noel was taking a stroll through the forest..." Said Blimpie, "When she found a basket in the river...She looked in the basket and inside was...A severed penis!" "Holy $*^%" Exclaimed Ernie "The most bizarre thing..." Said Blimpie "...Is no one can identify what species the penis belongs to." |
| "A severed penis!" Ernie said. "What an astounding thing to find floating in a basket. And especially by a young girl like Helen." "Yes," Blimpie said. "Helen is quite innocent. She's never had a boyfriend, but she knew right away what it was." Ernie scratched his chin. "When you say severed, does that mean it was cut off with a knife or bitten off with teeth?" "My gosh, Ernie, what are you thinking? That someone or some animal would bite someone's penis off?" "It could happen," Ernie said. |
| Meanwhile Madame Own went back to her Lair where she had a Cauldron of Witch's Brew bubbling. She picked up her spell book. "Soon..." She said "...When I get the Ruby Sunstone I will be able to complete the Spell of Ultimate Power! Then I will to take over..." A crash stopped her super villain monologue. The Rock Creatures who had been slumbering for thousands of years had woken up and they looked at Madame Owl hungrily, Madame Owl...Who had never seen such things before as she was eaten alive, no one heard her scream |
| The rock creatures chewed on the tough stringy flesh of Madam Owl. They made faces of disgust. One of them said, "If all surface dwellers taste like this then we made a long trip for nothing." The other rock creature spit out a piece of owl gristle. "I agree it's not mole or bat, but I suppose it has some nourishment in it." "Yes, if you can muster the will power to swallow it. I'd rather eat earthworms." |
| Ernie stood there for a moment, thinking. He did like pasta, but he needed something to put on it, butter, or tomato sauce, or cheese, or all three. Time for a trip to the food store. It was raining so he got out his big red umbrella and slung a shopping bag over his shoulder. He was the only customer at Georgette's Groceries because of the rain. Georgette was a chipmunk who liked to flirt with her customers. "Hello, Ernie," she said. "What can I do for you today?" Ernie had prepared a list so he handed it to her along with his bag. "Just a few things, Georgette. How's life treating you?" "Gently, Ernie. Knock on wood, but things have been going pleasantly lately." |
| As Ernie was doing his shopping, nearby a Pig named Percy decided it was the perfect time for a mud bath, "It is a lovely day for a wallow down at the hallow." He said to himself. But when he got to his personal hollow, he saw something he had never seen before in his mud puddle "Who or what are you?!" Percy exclaimed "You've got to help me!" Exclaimed the Strange Creature "I'm blind!" "Whoa! Whoa!" Said Percy "Slow down! Start at the beginning." |
| "Rain makes me blind," said the creature. "I'm a Sunshine Civet. When water gets in my eyes I can't see." "What should I do?" Percy said. "I can't stop the rain." "Just lead me to a spot under a tree where I can wait for the rain to stop. Why are you out in the rain?" "I like rain. I'm going to wallow in my hollow. It's right over there." After the civet was situated comfortably, Percy jumped into his hollow. "Wheeee!" he said. "This is the life!" |
| "Mud is what a Pig needs for a perfectly pink complexion." Said Percy, when rain had ceased,Percy took the Sunshine Civet to meet his wife Pinky. "I've made your favorite!" Pinky said "Peanut butter sandwiches!" |
| "Yummy!" Percy said, then to the civet, "What about you? Do you like peanut butter?" "Not as much as I like por- uh, I mean, yes, peanut butter is good. By the way, my name is Carnival." "Carnival? That's a name you don't hear often, or ever, actually. It sounds a lot like carnivore." Carnival the Civet grinned. "Yes, it does, doesn't it?" Pinky pulled Percy aside. "Can I talk with you for a moment?" "Excuse me," Percy said to the civet and he and his wife went into another room to talk. |
| "I think this guy may be a cannibal..." He said quietly "Oh dear!" Said Pinky "You mean he's one of those awful meat eating animals who hasn't learned to subsist with dairy and unfertilized eggs?" |
| "I'm afraid so," Percy said. "I'm getting bad vibes from him." "What are we going to do?" Pinky said. "I have an idea. Give me a bucket of water. When I call for you, come help me." Percy walked back to where the civet was sitting, daydreaming about the meal he was going to eat. "You have to leave now," Percy said. "But the party is just getting started," said the civet with a smile. Percy threw the water at the civet's face. "Ow! Help! I'm blind! Why did you do that?" Percy called, "Pinky! Come here!" Together the two pigs managed to shove the civet outside and lock the door. "Whew!" Percy said. "I think we were almost somebody's lunch." |
| Pinky and Percy spent the rest of the night calming down. Meanwhile Ernie was having his own meal of pasta |
| He put a little olive oil in the frying pan, then chopped onions, garlic, mushrooms, and bell pepper. After a few moments he added some tomato sauce and basil and salt and pepper and turned the heat down to let it all simmer. He toasted some Italian bread while he cooked enough pasta for one meal. He put the cooked pasta hot and steaming in a bowl, and poured the tomato sauce mixture over it. "That's a good pasta," he said as he ate it. When he was done he felt very sleepy, so he lay down and immediately drifted off to slumber land. In a dream he was having a picnic with Georgette from the grocery store. "Why don't you ever ask me out?" she said. "We're out now, aren't we?" he said. "But this is just a dream." |
| They weren't sure they really wanted to because the mountains were made of rock like themselves, but the valley was filled with green stuff. |
| The rock creatures stood without moving or speaking. This wasn't unusual for them because they were rocks. An aardvark walked by them without even noticing them. In fact, it was the same aardvark who had visited Ernie's shop several weeks before. His name was Aloicious Percolater and he was looking for some turquoise of a particular type, a type that he believed might possess a magical power. |
| But then one of the younger Rock Creatures felt a rumble in his belly, he grabbed the Aardvark by the tail and began to eat him alive! The Aardvark's Screaming woke up the neighbors and they screamed in horror seeing an Animal being devoured by a rock |
| That night there was a community meeting. "We can't allow these rock creatures to be eating us one by one!" "Hear, hear! I say we get some dynamite." "Yeah! Blow them up! Turn them into rubble." And so some of the menfolk purchased enough dynamite to bring down a mountain. They waited until the rock creatures were in one of their "stand quietly" moods. Then the men snuck up and attached dynamite in critical places. Fuses were lit. Everyone ran off to hide. The explosions were awesome, sending bits of gravel and rock everywhere. The people cheered. A spokesman stood on the pile of gravel. "The moral is if you are a rock creature, don't risk your life by eating animals." Ernie heard about the incident later, but no mention was made of the aardvark. Every year in Crystal City at the beginning of summer there was a festival where gem collectors, rock hounds, and mineralogists could gather and discuss their work. It was called the Summer Crystal Festival. Ernie decided he would set up a booth at the Summer Crystal Festival. And he would hire an assistant just for the festival. The first applicant for the job was wearing a red cap. |
| Ernie was waiting quite some time for customers, it was a boring hot day, so Ernie was about to temporarily close his booth so he could get a cold drink, when he was finally approached by a strange female covered head to toe by a black cloak. "Are you the Raccoon known as Ernie?" Asked the Cloaked Female "I am." Said Ernie "What are you for some reason I can't catch your scent." "It is a scent proof cloak..." Said the Female she temporarily lifted the veil from her face revealing she was Strange Serpent. "I'mt trying to travel incognito." She said "But do you want to know the origin of those rock creatures? Because this won't be the end of them...More will be coming." "Oh gosh!" Exclaimed Ernie "If you want to prevent the coming tragedy, Come to The Old Willow Leaf Theater at Midnight." |
| Ernie closed his booth early at 11pm and headed for the Old Willow Leaf Theater. He had no idea what the Midnight Show would be, but he suspected it would be interesting. |
| It was dark and spooky, and Ernie was beginning to have his doubts,maybe he should leave before someone killed him and stole his wallet. "Behold!" Came the Serpents voice "The Traveler has arrived!" The Serpent Stood with four other cloaked creatures, they removed the veils one at a time revealing a Male Lion, a Female Striped Cat, a Male Scorpion and Male Longhorn Beetle and when completely removing her hood Ernie could see the Serpent was a Banded Water Snake |
| In a deep voice the Lion said, "In the beginning there were only the rocks..." At the same time the Cat beat a slow steady rhythm on a tom tom while the Lonhghorn Beetle snapped his jaws together in time with her. The scorpion did a little dance which wasn't much more than him taking a few steps forward then backward while his tail swung from side to side. "...everywhere there were rocks..." continued the Lion. |
| "..and then..." continued the Lion when the Snake stopped talking, "...and then came the Boojums!" The Cat made a flourish on the tom toms and the Scorpion leaped up and fell back with a loud THWACK. Ernie was so surprised he fell over backwards and bumped his head on the floor. |
| "The Boojums were strange creatures!" Said the Scorpion "With bald pinky flesh except for a bit fuzz at the heads, they had the most HIDEOUS flat faces with strange triangular noses with the nostrils pointing downwards...To everyone else they seemed to be like overgrown embryos were never developed into whatever they were supposed to turn into." "They sound repulsive." Said Ernie as he nibbled popcorn "They were!" Said the Cat "But they were very powerful! They could charm the rocks!" |
| "I think I see where this is going," Ernie said. A curtain came down and hid the Lion, the Cat, the Scorpion, and the Beetle. The snake stepped forward. "Now we will witness a scene in ancient Mulla Mulla where the Boojums encounter the rocks..." The curtain went up. The Lion and the Cat were wearing Boojum masks. The Scorpion and the Beetle had signs hanging from their necks that said, "I am a rock." "Oh, look," said the Lion Boojum. "Two rocks that have no charm. What shall we do about that?" he winked at the Cat Boojum. |
| "We're alive!" said the Beetle Rock. "Let's go eat stuff!" The Lion Boojum and the Cat Boojum looked at each other. "This is not good," said the Lion Boojum. "We must put a spell on them so they will stay in one place." Then the Lion Boojum and the Cat Boojum chanted a spell... Rock creatures big and rock creatures small You will be unable to move at all Planted in dirt your feet shall rest Slow, oh so slow, beats the heart in your chest You cannot speak, you cannot eat You cannot move your arms or feet |
| They all got separated in the rush and Ernie found himself running alone. After a while he stopped running. No one seemed to be following him and he could not hear anything. He stood there for a few moments, then sighed, and headed for home. He soaked in a warm bath, ate some hot soup, and slipped into bed. What a strange day it had been. During the night he was awakened by a series of explosions. The next morning the Sheriff knocked on his door. "We killed a bunch of those rock creatures last night," said the Sheriff. "Blew them all up. I don't reckon any rock creatures will be bothering us again." "I hope not," said Ernie. "They were becoming very tiresome." "And dangerous." "Yes, that too." |
| But of course it wouldn't be the end of it. Whenever the current group of Rock Creatures was destroyed another bunch sprang forth spontaneously from the Rocks. They held a town meeting, and finally one strange creature a Naked Mole Rat said "We will never defeat the Rock Creatures unless we destroy the spell which spawns them, for that we must relocate the Boojums!" |
| Applause filled the room. A kangaroo said, "I never thought I would hear a Naked Mole Rat say something sensible!" "Find the Boojums!" Of course, finding the Boojums was easier said than done. "What we need," said a Possum named Pete, "is a professional Finder, someone who specializes in finding stuff." "Yes," said the kangaroo, "but where do we find a Finder?" "Golly," said Pete, "This is a real Catch-22, isn't it?" |
| "Guys!" Said the Naked Mole Rat who had had spoke at the town meeting "If you guys had continued listening to me instead of instantly running out to do something....You would have known that to find the Boojums we need to travel...Up." The Birds and Bats and Flying Insects chimed "The Boojums are in the sky?" "Even more UP then that." Said The Naked Mole Rat "We have to travel to...The Moon!" |
| The kangaroo slapped his cheek. "Holy Mole! To the moon! But we just got dial phones into town last week. Wouldn't we need a rocketship?" "That's one way to do it," said the Naked Mole Rat, whose name was James Madison, Jr. "Another way is magic." Pete the Possum groaned. "Here we go with that magic crap again." "It's not crap!" said James. "Granny Hokum is a good witch and I'm sure she can enchant us enough to make a trip to the moon." "Are you talking about Granny Hokum the old turtle that lives in the swamp? She's a drunk." "No she isn't. You probably just tried to talk to her when she was in a trance." "Let's go talk to her," said the kangaroo." |
| Where was Ernie during this time, he had escaped with the five cult members into the Mountains. "What do we do?" Asked Ernie "What do we do?" Asked the Cat "We will find the Naked Mole Rat Colony!" |
| "I know where it is," said the Longhorn Beetle. "Take us there." The Naked Mole Rat colony was underground, a collection of rooms and tunnels. Only the Beetle and the Scorpion were small enough to walk through the tunnels, so they entered the colony while the Lion and the Cat waited outside for them to return. |
| but stayed outside with the Lion and the Cat and Ernie. There was too much possibility of scaring the bejeebers out of the mole rats if the snake went into their colony. "Those bugs have been in there a long time," Ernie said. "I wonder what they are up to?" "Maybe the moles don't know where Granny Hokum lives now," Ernie said. "Oh, they know," said the Snake. "What's more likely is they are negotiating their fee for telling us. A finders fee, eh?" |
| "I can provide the turquoise," said Ernie, "and my friend Georgette can provide the Oreos." "Good," said the Snake. "Then we have a deal." Later, they received the address of Granny Hokum from the Mole rats. "Now we're in business!" said the Snake. "Number 27 Swamp Lane... Let's go!" And so the adventurers hurried toward the swamp because it was getting late in the day and they did not want to be in the swamp after dark. |
"Why do you think the Mole Rats wanted Oreos?" Asked Ernie "I hear they be addicted to them."Said the Scorpion |
| Number 27 Swamp Lane was a typical swamp shack constructed of unpainted boards, now grey with age, and a tin roof, the kind that made music when it rained, which it often did in the swamp. The shack had a porch across the front and a fireplace in the front room. Granny Hokum was sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. "Yes," she said, in a creaky voice, "I can transport you to the moon. I once went there myself, you know, when I was much younger." |
| It was better to save the chit-chat for later, as the Elderly Turtle waved her arms and chanting a strange spell which sounded like gibberish and for some reason caused Ernie and his Gypsy Comrades to cringe because the strange language was painful to them. And then it happened, they became living rockets and launched themselves to the moon...Of course this also meant each of them had a burned butt from it being engulfed with flame |
| The first thing they did when they got to the moon was find a pool of quicksilver and sit in it. "Ahhh, what a relief!" Ernie said. "Now let's go find those Boojums." |
| The first thing they noticed was some strange glowing buildings! None of the Animals had ever seen a building with Neon Lights before so it seemed very mystical to them. They sallied forth towards the buildings. "This place seems barren." Said the Cat "What could the Boojums possibly be eating here?" |
| They picked the biggest building to enter. It was shaped like a huge cube and was all white. There were no windows, just one gigantic entrance. They walked in and were greeted by a group of Boojums. "Welcome to the moon, travelers! Come in and sit at one of our tables, drink our fine moon wine, and watch the beautiful Dance of the Seven Craters." |
| The Boojums were of course extremely ugly to the Animal People, with those bare pinky bodies (Though some were more brown or black colored, those were more appealing to the Animals) Most had fuzz at the heads and faces. (The males had more face fuzz then the females) And of course those hideous triangular downward pointing noses. Despite having ugly looks, the Boojums were quite graceful dancers, very few Animals could be as good at dancing as the Boojums. Ernie felt someone bump into him he looked and saw a Small Boojum Girl with yellow 'head fuzz' and blue eyes. "Would you like some Moon Candy?" Asked the Girl 'Maybe the Cubs aren't so ugly...' Ernie thought to himself as he sampled the Moon Candy |
| As if she could read his thoughts, the Snake said, "Cubs are never ugly, are they? Just always cute and cuddly." "That's so adults will take care of them," said the Cat. The Snake said, "I knew that." For some reason she didn't particularly like the Cat and everything the Cat said seemed to rub her the wrong way. |
| Ernie touched the arm of the Boojum girl selling Moon Candy. "Who is the boss here? We need to talk to somebody important." The girl pointed at a Boojum male sitting at another table with several Boojums. "That's the Mayor. He's important." "Good," Ernie said. He went over to the Mayor's table. "Your honor, sir, we just arrived on the moon and I have an important matter to discuss with you." "Shhh!" said the Mayor. "Wait until the dance is over." |
| "Sir..." Said Ernie "Innocent creatures may be dying." At the mention of death the dancers instantly stopped dancing and the music instantly ceased." |
| "Now you've done it," said the Mayor. "OK, Mr. Bring Negative Thoughts To The Moon, just what is your freakin problem?" Ernie was speechless for a moment, he was so surprised by the Mayor's reaction, but then he recovered. "You Boojums messed with the rocks and now the Rock Creatures are eating my town!" The Mayor squinted. "Rock creatures? Rock creatures? Does anyone know anything about any rock creatures?" A Boojum sitting at a distant table called out. "I think we enchanted some during the Pritchard Dynasty. Don't ask me how many thousands of years ago that was." "Maybe the enchantments have worn off," said the Mayor, "or gone wrong somehow. OK, I will send a team of Boojum scientists back to Earth with you. Don't worry, sonny, we'll get to the bottom of this." "Thank you, Mr Mayor," said Ernie. |
| "Are you brother and sister?" asked Ernie. "Why would you think that?" said Bink. "Uh... the names?" "What about our names?" "They are very similar." "We're from the Ink clan. You should meet Tink, Wink, Link, Pink, Frink, Mink, and Quink. What's your name?" "Ernie." "Oh. Means nothing to me." |
| "Let's take the green and yellow one," Bink said. Ernie was surprised. "Do you know how to fly it?" "Oh, it's very simple. It practically flies itself. At least, that's what they told us in school." "I can't believe no one has flown these spaceships until now." Bink sighed. "We're not a curious people. We already know everything there is to know, so there is no point in going anywhere else. We stay home." |
| "You're in for a treat," said Dink. "Do you like to read stories?" "Yes," Ernie said. "Well, imagine a story comes to life and instead of reading it, you watch it. Cool, huh?" "I guess so," Ernie said. |
| The movie was about a Boy Boojum and a Girl Boojum who were in love but they couldn't admit it |
| "I don't understand," Ernie said. "Why couldn't they admit their love for each other?" Ernie and Dink exchanged glances with each other. Bink said, "It's rather difficult to explain to someone who is not a Boojum." "Can you try?" |
| "Originally in the movie they did admit they were in love." Said Dink "But the audiences hated it so the movie makers changed it to a tragic ending and the audiences loved it." |
| "I see," Ernie said. "Kind of a Romeo and Juliet thing." "Who?" Dink said. "Nevermind. Don't you have any other movies? I don't much like tragic love stories. How about some kind of adventure movie? Got one of those?" |
| "OK, then watch whatever movie you want to watch," Ernie said. "Just don't expect me to watch it with you." |
| Of course by that point they had already returned to Earth...And it was awful! The town was in flames, Rock Creatures chased everyone. Bink and Dink touched foreheads and said "Boojum Powers Activate!" And all the Rock Creatures transformed back to ordinary rocks |
| Ernie grinned. "Thank you so much, guys! Why don't you come to my gem shop and I will give you each a gem." |
| Bink and Dink looked around and saw much death and destruction had been done by the Rock Creatures...Animals had seen Husbands, Wives and even Children die. "Oh...My..." Said Dink shocked by seeing such violence for one in her life "We mustn't celebrate...We must begin repairing what has been destroyed our our ancestors' creations!" |
| Ernie returned to his shop to discover it was still standing, untouched by the rock creatures. "That's a relief," he said. "I guess since no one was here the rock creatures skipped over it." Just then the door chimed and in walked the Serpent accompanied by the Lion, the Cat, the Scorpion, and the Beetle. "Our mission here is complete," said the Serpent. "Just thought I would let you know that we are leaving. I see your shop survived the catastrophe." "Yes," Ernie said. "I'm in good shape. I guess I will go help the others recover. Thanks for all your help. Good-bye." "Good-bye!" they said. * * * And now it's time for a new chapter... |
| "Why?" Asked the Two Boojums Bink and Dink, who were determined to stay until all the damage from the Rock Creatures was healed "Why not two gem shops in the same town?" "Because this town only has space for one!" Ernie exclaimed "Ain't enough customers for the two of us!" Bink and Dink looked at each other, neither truly understood. Percy meanwhile was happy as a clam with his gem shop |
| "This is what I needed," Percy said, "something I can put some energy into." Over the next few weeks Percy worked hard to get a good selection of gems and crystals. He made interesting displays and put up posters describing the effects of various minerals on the body and spirit. He paid good prices to crystal collectors. Yet the prices he sold crystals for was often lower than what you had to pay at Ernie's. It wasn't long before Ernie began to feel the effects of the competition. His gross sales crept lower and lower every week. Something had to be done. The two Boojums watched it all with interest. They were enjoying learning new things. "We should have done this a long time ago," said Bink. |
| Ernie was beginning to feel he needed to do something if he was to saw his shop. He had a revolver in a spacial hidden place in his wall... |
| ... but he knew violence was not the answer. That would only land him in jail and he would lose everything. He had to get his customers back. Maybe a half price sale would do it. He wouldn't make any money, but neither would that stupid pig. He put up posters in the shop's windows: Special sale today! Everything half price! |
| It was a shopping frenzy! A fist fight broke out between a hippopotamus and a walrus when they both wanted to buy the same genuine South Sea Islands pearl. |
| "Creatures! Creatures Please!" Exclaimed Ernie "I'm sure we can sort out..." But the fight continued, neither fighters heeded Ernie soon Ernie's tiny shop was destroyed, and Ernie was sitting among piles of splintered wood, and suddenly the thunder boomed and it began to rain. "Oh..." Ernie sighed "Great..." He said sarcastically "This is just great!" As the rain soaked his fur the only thing that stinks worse then wet dog is wet raccoon |
| What Ernie decided to do was...Try to build himself wings so he could fly like the Birds, Bats, Bees and Butterflies! As a Cub Ernie always wanted to fly, when he found two feathers he once tried to fly by grabbing a feather in each hand and then jumping off tree stumps, rocks, logs but alas Raccoons aren't very aerodynamic |
| Ernie went to visit a Moose named Bullwinkle. This Moose used to be a college professor, but he got run out of school for having weird ideas and teaching them to the kids. Ernie knew that one of Bullwinkle's weird ideas was that any animal should be able to fly. After all, Bullwinkle said, there are Flying Fish and Flying Squirrels. Why not flying everything? Bullwinkle was glad to see Ernie because not many people came to see the old Moose and he had always enjoyed talking with people. Ernie decided to make some small talk with him first. |
| "How can I have wings?" Asked Ernie "I've been developing the idea of mechanical wings." Said Bullwinkle |
| The Moose pulled some drawings out of a desk. "Look at these." Ernie saw sketches of bat-like wings that attached to the shoulders and back. There were rods extending to the hands and arms. "Do they actually work?" Ernie said. "I was hoping you might help me find out," said Bullwinkle. "I can make a pair to fit you and we can see if they work." |
| It took three days for Bullwinkle and Ernie to build the wings and fit them to Ernie. Finally, they were ready to test them for flight. |
| It was a hot summer day, they stood at Make Out Point Ernie saw the mighty pine trees below him |
| "You're 100% sure this will work?" Ernie said. "Can we really ever be 100% sure about anything?" said Bullwinkle. "No," said Ernie. "Here goes nothing!" And he jumped off the cliff. "Flap your wings!" Bullwinkle yelled. |
| Ernie did flap his wings..."I'm doing it!" he gasped "I'm really doing it! I'm flying!" Ernie flew over the mighty pine trees and when he was directly under the sun...He vanished...Bullwinkle clearly saw Ernie evaporate as if he were steam. "Oh dear." Bullwinkle said to himself "I think I may be liable..." But Ernie wasn't dead...Oh No...He had simply been transported to another dimension, Ernie had reached...The Interdimenstional Zone. Ernie found himself in some dark caverns and he had no idea how he got into a cave |
| It was too dark in the cavern to fly so Ernie unstrapped his wings. "Where the Hell am I?" he muttered. He could hear water in the distance and the occasional call of some creature with a squeaky voice. |
| Ernie began to travel through a dark tunnel until he came the a cavern with dim blue illumination. Ernie saw some small blue creatures (Or maybe they just seemed blue because of whatever was causing the blue tint of the cavern.) They were unlike anything he had ever seen before, they had one foot pear shaped bodies with snouts covered with what looked like sea anemone tentacles. These strange creatures were strapping someone equally small (Ernie couldn't quite see what the other was because it was covered by a Grim Reaper Cloak) "All right!" Said the Creatures "Time to get medieval! You will confess after...A Marathon of Infomercials!" |
| Ernie debated with himself about whether to get involved with them or not. On the one hand, they might be able to tell him something, like where he was and how to get out. On the other hand, they might capture him and subject him to unpleasant activities. For the time being, Ernie decided to just hide and watch. The creature under the cloak was talking now. "Alright! Alright! I'll confess if that's what you want! I did it! Are you happy now?" |
| "She's in the old tower on the hill. Don't worry. I left plenty of food and water for her." "You bastard! If anything happens to the Princess you will suffer a terrible fate!" |
| So he decided to follow them. He was curious about the Princess. Ever since he watched Cinderella as a kid he had been fascinated by princesses. This was his chance to see a real one, even if she was a member of some strange species previously unknown to him. |
| How did Ernie watch Cinderella if the Animals didn't know what movies were before the Boojums? The Animals didn't have movies, they had slide shows, and Viewfinders |
| Ernie had fond memories of his Cinderella Viewmaster reels. He would sit for hours clicking the little lever. Later, in his teens, he carved a pumpkin into a model of a coach. He enjoyed working with his hands and took up jewelry-making because Princesses wore lots of jewelry. As an adult he became interested in the gems themselves and worked as crystal collector until he saved up enough money to open his shop. |
| Unfortunately he was so distracted by his memories he knocked over a rock startling the captive prisoner creature. "Eeek!" Squeaked The Prisoner "Who are you? I know you're not one of the Guards! |
| "Shhh!" Ernie said. "I have come to rescue you, but you must be quiet. No more eeeks." |
| Of course Ernie would later regret rescuing one who had kidnapped the Princess he was so fascinated with. Meanwhile, what was happening in Crystal City? Percy was as happy as ten clams, he didn't know where Ernie had gone. He assumed he had gone back to wherever he had originally had come from as Crystal City was something of a Pioneer Town. Hardly anyone had been born there |
| With Ernie gone, Percy realized he could raise his prices. Now he was the only crystal shop in town. He chuckled thing about how much money he was going to make. |
| Of course he didn't raise the prices too much, Percy may have been a Pig but he wasn't Scrooge McDuck. Meanwhile Ernie untied the strange pear shaped, tentacle snout creature. "We should skedaddle." Said the Cloaked Creature "The Guards will be back soon." Ernie didn't ask why the Princess had been kidnapped, to him Princesses get kidnapped every week, Ernie had had too many fairy tales as a Cub and he always wanted to live one. So as he and his Traveling Companion traveled through the dark tunnels Ernie didn't question anything about who or what the creatures were or where he was, Ernie was simply having fun living what he felt was a real live fairy tale. Meanwhile back at Crystal City the Boojums Bink and Dink asked Percy where Ernie was |
| "I don't know where he is," Percy said. "He left Crystal City with a lot of money in his pocket. Maybe he is going to open up a new shop somewhere else." "Strange that he didn't say good-bye to us," Dink said. A skunk had been overhearing their conversation and now he spoke up. "Last I heard Ernie was out there with that Professor Bullwinkle fellow, the moose." |
| "Very interesting..." Said Bink as he stroked his chin "...Who were Ernie's companions who came with him to the Moon?" "Oh those Folks?" Said Percy "Those were the Magypies...Traveling Theater Folk...A Dying Breed if you ask me...Soon all traveling acts will head the way of the Dodo." "Dude!" Said a Nearby Dodo "Not cool!" |
| Bink and Dink paid a visit to Professor Bullwinkle. "We're looking for our friend Ernie." "So am I," said the moose, and he proceeded to tell them how Ernie wanted wings and when Ernie tested the wings, he somehow evaporated into the sky. "Evaporated?" Dink said. "More likely he slipped into another dimension. That can happen when you try to do something you are not genetically programmed to do." "Like fly?" Bullwinkle said. Bink and Dink nodded their heads in solemn agreement. |
| "I have this handy dimensional tracking device." Said Bink "It glows blue when near a dimensional portal." Meanwhile The Cloaked Creature led Ernie to The Mead Hall where he and his Comrades lived. |
| "I don't think I've ever had any mead," Ernie said. "Is it good?" "Do you like honey?" asked the Cloaked Creature. "Yes." "Then you'll probably like mead." |
| They quickly got Ernie very drunk. He fell asleep "Do you think he will be a worthy sacrifice for Marduk?" Asked One Creature "I think he's sutible." Said Another Creature |
| They locked Ernie into a little room where he continued to snore as he lay on the floor. Meanwhile, Bink and Dink and Bullwinkle had gone to the place where Ernie disappeared. Bink held up his tracking device and slowly moved in a circle until it beeped. "There's a dimensional portal near here!" Bink said. They walked along in the direction that made the tracking device's beeps grow closer together until it was a steady tone. "We're very close now. Shall we pass through?" |
| "Interesting," said Bullwinkle. "Reminds me of when I was hunting for gold in '48. I went into a lot of caverns back then." |
| Meanwhile Ernie was still asleep in his Prison Dreaming about rescuing a beautiful princess. The Creatures meanwhile were in the process of figuring out how to sacrifice such a giant creature. "This knife is too tiny..." Said the Executioner "...It wouldn't reach past his epidermis!" |
| "Do we have to carve him up so much? If we do him the way we did that last one it will take all night." "The sacrifice requires separation into parts." "But does it have to be so many parts?" |
| The other Squamus was about to say something, but the Executioner said, "Don't even say it. You can lose your head for heresy. Understand?" To make his point the Executioner brandished a big axe so that the polished blade caught the light and glittered. "Why don't you carve him up with that axe?" "Because Marduk is a finicky God. The parts must be surgically precise. An axe will not do. We need a knife." |
| That was when Bullwinkle, Bink and Dink arrived in the Mead Hall startling the Creatures "ATTACK!" Yelled One Warrior "DEFEND!" Shouted Another "Attack? Defend?" Ernie awoke with a throbbing headache when he heard the creatures screeching |
| "Whats going on?" Ernie said. Then he realized he was tied down. "This can't be good." But the Executioner had left when he heard yells coming from the Mead Hall. Something was happening there. Ernie looked around for some way to free himself from his bonds. |
| Three of the plotters, Big Tooth, Enchilada, and Rotgut, were sitting around a table discussing their plan. Big Tooth pointed to a spot on a map he had drawn. "Then Enchilada could bust in through this door with about 4 or 5 of his boys and Rotgut could bust in through this door over here. What do you think?" |
| Big Tooth grinned, showing off his huge incisors. "I'm glad you feel that way. What about you, Enchilada?" "Well, I don't know. You have me busting through this door into police headquarters. I don't think they be so stupid as to just sit there and watch me. I think they fight back." Big Tooth shrugged. "You're just saying it's dangerous, aren't you? Didn't we all know it would be when we started this?" |
| "The Mud Town Coppers are having the Annual Police Ball this year..." Said Rotgut "...If we time this just perfect they will all be flat out drunk and powerless to stop us!" Meanwhile above the Evil Scheming in Mud Town, An Animal Town Populated with both Colorful Birds and Wetland Creatures, The Sun was setting and Animals were getting ready... |
| to engage in their evening activities. For many of them that meant falling asleep, but then, there were the Nocturnal Animals, an exclusive club that didn't really begin to live until the sun went down. First out were the bats, exiting their cave just as dusk fell, making fluttering black shadows in the sky, their constant chirping almost like music. |
| The Police Ball was held at the Rio Grande Club, a real Ritzy Place if you know what I mean, The Police of Mud Town Consisted of Large Carnivores and a Few Large Herbivores |
| All of them liked to drink, except Maude, the only woman on the force. Big Tooth and his men sat on a hill watching the Rio Grande Club through binoculars. "The cops are getting really drunk," said Big Tooth. "Get ready to make our move soon." |
| Maude was also the only Insect, she was a Green Beetle, she didn't drink alcohol because she had this medical condition where Alcohol could potentially kill her |
| "Now!" said Big Tooth. All the mole rats went scurrying down the hill to carry out their plan. Big Tooth's bunch did well enough, but Enchilada's hombres ran into trouble at the police department. True, the building was undermanned because all the cops were at the ball, but the two cops still on duty put up a fierce resistance. "Fall back!" Enchilada yelled after two of his group went down with bullets in their bodies. |
| As all this Chaos was happening, something deep underneath Mud Town's Swamp was Awakened, Tiamat the Swamp Dragon |
| "What the hell is all that racket?" said Tiamat. "I was trying to get in one of my 100 year naps. They are so satisfying. Now I am hearing guns and yelling. Somebody is going to be sorry they woke me up!" |
| By then, the Rio Grande Club was under the control of Bigfoot and his men. Rotgut had the townspeople subdued. The only problem remaining was the two cops who were holding off Enchilada's party. "This is ridiculous," Enchilada said. "There are more of us than there are of them. We're going to charge in there , guns blazing, and end this stand off." The little green beetle named Maude was the first one to notice Tiamat's slow advancement toward the town. Tiamat was slow because she was so big. |
| "Holy Tamale!" yelled Enchilada. "What is that thing? Bigfoot, do you see what I see?" Bigfoot, who would have singed hairs if he had any hairs to singe, was running alongside Enchilada as they escaped the town where Tiamat's flames were killing Naked Mole Rats and incidentally setting buildings on fire. "Some kind of swamp dragon, I do believe," said Bigfoot. "Looks like Mudtown has met its doom. Too bad because we could have had some fun there." |
| Tiamat then plucked the Three Naked Mole Rat Leaders and ate them like delicious snacks, she licked her lips as they wriggled all they way down... "That's better.' Tiamat said content as she rubbed her belly As the Non-Naked Mole Rat Citizens of Mud Town gazed at her terrified. Tiamat lay back in the mud and said "You are probobly asking yourselves who I am?" She said "Gather round children and I'll give you the story..." Long ago this Planet of Our's was very different...The Animals back then couldn't speak the only creatures who could speak are what we call Boojums today but back then they were named Humans! |
| The people of Mud Town were entranced. "I didn't know that!" exclaimed a rabbit. "Yes," Tiamat continued. "The ancestors of the Boojums were called Humans and they had a great civilization, but they liked to meddle with scientific things. One day they discovered a way to change their own genetic structure. Using techniques of genetic modification, they could make their children be anything, like have a different appearance, or be smarter or stronger." |
| "Humans had already done some genetic modification of animals, but now they took it to extremes. They gave animals the gifts of speech and thought because they wanted amusing pets. However, the animals resented being second class citizens in the human society." |
| "A war started, the Land Animals were the Army, the Birds, Bats and Flying Insects were the Air Force and the Swimming Creatures were the Navy." |
| "At first it looked as if the humans would win because they had the technology, but the animals had numerical superiority. There were just too many of them. In the end the humans gave up the earth and retreated to the moon where they knew the animals could not reach them. And there on the moon they still live today as the Boojums." At that point Tiamat grew quiet. "But who are YOU?" protested the little green beetle named Maude. |
| Maude sat back on her hind legs. "Ohhhhh, that's amazing. How old are you?" |
| "I am roughly one thousand years young." Tiamat said as she yawned and stretched "We Dragons are very long lived, some of our kind live nearly forever." |
| "That's amazing," Maude said. "And I thought I was old. Compared to you I am a baby. Um... you don't eat bugs, do you? I saw the way you swallowed those mole rats." |
| "I like to specifically eat the wicked." Said Tiamat "They have a spicier flavor, but don't you worry Dragons are omnivores...We particularly like Fresh Fruits." Meanwhile back at the Pioneer Town The Boojums were sipping the Sweetwater Tea made by Ernie's Aunt Julie. "Life is very interesting here." Said Dink |
| "Isn't it though?" said Aunt Julie. "Lawdy, I just find life so fascinating sometimes. Like you Boojum folks. Who would ever have thought such as you even existed?" "Is Ernie still asleep?" Bink asked. "Yes. He's been through so much lately. Poor little guy." |
| The Two Boojums Bink and Dink through they knew everything about the history of the Boojums but they didn't know Boojums were once Humans and that they Ancestors of the Boojums created the Animal People |
| Aunt Julie didn't know it either, but the people of Mud Town knew because Tiamat told them. |
| Tiamat yawned and stretched "It's been fun..." She said but "I really need to get back to sleep under the mud." |
| The Mud Town mayor gave Tiamat a plaque that said, "Thanks for the memories!" and the townspeople called out: Good-bye, Tiamat! Thank you for visiting us! It's been fun! Tiamat dragged her old heavy body back to the swamp and sank down into the ooze. Her last thought before she went back to sleep was: What a nice plaque! |
| At first Number 1 and Number 2 had no idea where to look for Philippe's Rock. They weren't even sure who stole it. But then one day they got a tip... "Pssst! Are you the guys that are looking for that rock?" "Yes," said the Flea to the cloaked figure who had called to them from an alley. "I know who took it." The cloaked figure's face was barely visible, but the Flea suspected it might be an Arachnid because it was dripping silk on the pavement. Maybe this was a just a trick to throw the two secret agents off the trail. "So tell me," said the Flea. "Who took it?" "It will cost you." "How much?" |
| "I have heard that bloodstones are very expensive," said the Flea. "We're not millionaires, you know." Be that as it may," said the cloaked figure. "That's my price. Take it or leave it." "Give us a day to get the bloodstones. We'll meet you here tomorrow, same time." "Agreed," said the cloaked figure. "By the way," said the Flea. "Do you have a name?" "You can call me Mysterion." After they parted ways with Mysterion, Number 1 said to Number 2, "How are we going to get three bloodstones?" "Maybe we can fake them with some good counterfeits." |
| "Do you think if we cheat him he'll be angry with us?" Asked Number 2 "Uh..." Number 1 hadn't considered that. |
| Number 1 and Number 2 returned to headquarters, a dilapidated old barn on a run-down farm. From the outside it looked like nothing., but inside was a hive of high tech activity. In fact, many of the workers were bees and wasps. There were a zillion monitor screens. The Boss Bee, not the Queen because she never directly spoke to anyone, said, "Three bloodstones? Yes, we can do that if we can get them back afterwards. Give him the bloodstones and get the information. If it checks out we'll let him keep one of the bloodstones. If it doesn't, we'll reclaim all three bloodstones and terminate him." |
| "Why don't you two take a lunch break?" Asked Boss Bee "Our best agents can't work with empty stomachs." Number 1 had some Blood Substitute Drink and Number 2 had...You'd like me to say Number 2 don't you? Actually had had some sticky vegetable paste which he vomited over before eating cuz...That's what flies do. "What do you think our chances are Oney?" Asked Number 2 (The Agents sometimes called each other by Nicknames 'Oney' and 'Twooey') "Oh I don't know..." Said Oney as she sipped her drink "I think we should...I hate my Mama..." "Wha?!" Twooey was confused "Ooh!" Said Oney "Sometimes when I'm really stressed I get flashbacks and I say things like 'I hate my Mama' among other things." "Maybe you should see a Psychiatrist about that..."Said Twooey |
| "Why?" Oney said. "It's probably the reason I became a secret agent. I don't want to see a psychiatrist and have my whole life get upset and rearranged." "Opposed to any change, eh?" said Twoey. "That's another sign." "Another sign of what?" "That you might be cracking up. You really should get help." |
| The cloaked figure was waiting in the same spot when the Flea and the Fly arrived. "Do you have the stones?" he asked. |
| "We do." Said Twooey handing the Cloaked Figure Three Bloodstones "Head for the Island of Acidopolis." Said the Cloaked Figure "Look for a Naked Mole Rat with a scar across his left eye." |
| The Island of Acidopolis is located in the Sea of Agony, so named because of the poisonous flying fish that live in it. They like to jump in your boat and smack you in the face. Wherever they touch you a rash of pimples appears. It can take weeks before they go away. Oney and Twoey had to charter a boat to get to the island. The boat owner was an old sea turtle named Mad Max. He was a bit crazy, but it was a good boat and he knew how to get to the island. "And why be ye going to the Island of Acidopolis?" he asked. "We're looking to talk to a naked mole rat that lives there. He a has scar across his left eye. Do you know him?" |
| Nobody had anything to say after that until they reached the island. Oney and Twoey went ashore and began asking around about the naked mole rat. Eventually they found someone who could give them some information. |
| The One who Knew was a Walking Stick Insect named Bella "I can help you." She said "I'll take you to the Stinking Swamps where he lives." Bella placed the two smaller Insects in her backpack and traveled to the Stinking Swamps, While in the sack Oney and Twooey played with a Mad Libs book. "I need an adjective." Said Twooey. "Bloody." Said Oney "Okeydoke." Said Twooey as he wrote it down "I need another adjective." "Delicious." Said Oney. "Are you hungry Oney?" Twooey asked |
| "Very hungry," said Oney the Flea. "I can't even remember the last time I ate anything." "Too bad you don't have my eating habits," said Twoey the Fly. "I've been licking food off of every surface we walked over." |
| They reached the Stinking Swamps, and true to the name They were stinky! "Follow these Serpentine Swamps until you find the Cave shaped like a Serpent's Head." Said Bella |
| They followed the main channel through the swamp until they found the cave. "Hello!" said Oney. "Is anybody home?" |
| "Come in." Said a Voice from below Oney and Twooey came into the Cave. They came across a Naked Mole Rat with a Scar across his left eye |
| "You are just the rat we wanted to see," said Oney. "I'm not a rat, I'm a Naked Mole Rat." "Oh, sorry," said Oney. "I believe you have a rock that we are looking for." "Me?" said the Mole Rat. "No, I don't think so." "Then you won't mind if we search your cave." "Yes, I would mind. Who do you think you are?" |
| "You aren't on Insect Island now," said the Mole Rat. Oney pulled out a gun. "No, but this says I have the authority to search this cave. Understand?" The Mole Rat backed away. "Yeah, I get it. Bullies!" "Shut up," Twoey said, "and stand there quietly while we search." |
| They didn't find anything in the cave. Not anything that looked like Phillipe's Rock anyway. But they did find a Painting of a Naked Mole Rat with Phillipe the Flea |
| They shoved the painting in the Naked Mole Rat's face. "OK, scar boy," Oney said. "How do you explain this painting?" |
| Twoey stamped her foot. "We knew it wasn't you. You couldn't be that old, but why is your great great grandpapa in a painting with Phillipe the Flea, the Leader of the Brave Insect Pilgrims who many years ago Sailed the Sea of Troubles in search of a Land where they could be free?" |
| "Um..." Scarface rubbed his head as he thought "That's a bit of an odd story." "We have plenty of time." Said Twooey "So My Mom gave me the story like this...Many years ago, Naked Mole Rats were considered Insects because we were Eusocial unlike every other form of Mammal thus all the Other Mammals and Vertebrates were quite bigoted against us and sent us to live with all the other Insects in the Insect Ghettos." |
| "Yes?" said Twoey. "Go on." "So when the Brave Insect Pilgrims got on that ship so many years ago, there were two mole rats with them and one of them was my great great grandpapa, Maurice. One of the Brave Pilgrims was a butterfly artist and she painted that painting for Maurice to keep. It's been passed down through the family for generations." "That's a lovely story," said Oney, "but we were told you had something to do with the missing Rock. Now I see you had a motive to take it because of the connection to your family history. Why don't you just tell us the truth about the rock? I feel sure you know something." |
| "I didn't take the Rock." Said Scarface he took the Painting in his hands "But I think I know who did...Great Uncle Pinky." |
| "I see," said Oney. "Kind of like you, Twoey, eh?" Twoey said, "What?!" "Anyway," said Oney, "Where is Uncle Pinky now?" |
| "I don't know." Said Scarface "He left the family many, many years, I suppose one of those places he went to was to steal Phillipe's Rock." "I see." Said Oney she began poking around Scarface's other things "Every family has a Family Journal that chronicles the Happenings of the the Family." She said |
| "Sure," said Scarface. "I've got a journal. You're welcome to read it. Here." He handed them a binder filled with loose sheets of paper containing various scribblings, doodles, sketches, and written notes. |
| Oney started reading "July 1st in the Summer of Blazing Heat...Pinky has decided to leave the Hive to seek his fortune elsewhere...We keeping trying to inform him this will lead to certain death but..." |
| "... he insists life is too short to be stuck in a hive forever and he wants to go out into the world and see what there is to see." "Here's a sketch," Twoey said. "It's signed Pinky." "What's that in the sketch?" "I'm not sure. Apparently Pinky was not a great artist. This lumpy shape might be a mole rat and maybe this big rectangle is the hive." |
| Oney looked again. "You may be right. This lumpy shape could be a lake." "Or a forest," Twoey said. "Pinky wasn't good enough at art for us to figure out what he drew." "I wouldn't be so quick to say that. I think he would have drawn a bunch of triangles for trees to show a forest. The rectangle could be a building. And look at this dotted line. Where do you see dotted lines but on maps?" "But what lake?" said Twoey. "Where is it?" "It's probably Humping Bear lake," Scarface said. "That's the only lake Pinky knew about. It's not far from here." |
| When they got to Humping Bear Lake, the rectangle on the map turned out to be an old cabin. They went inside. |
| The Inside of the Cabin was an Absolute Mess! Broken furniture and scattered papers were all over the place! "What the heck happened in here?" Asked Oney Scarface caught a familiar scent he came into the kitchen and found Great Uncle Pinky! Or at least what was left of him...His head was missing |
| Scarface was not the emotional type, so he just said, "Poor old Uncle Pinky. A bear must have got him." "What about the rock?" Oney said. "Anybody see it around here anywhere?" |
| "If a Bear was what killed him...The Scent of Bear would be here..." Said Twooey as his antennae wiggled "I detect no scent of Bear...But I do detect the scent...Of a Termite!" |
| "Oh great," Oney said. "If the termites got the rock, they probably buried it in one of their nests." Twoey looked sad. "We can't get it there." "Now hold on," said Scarface. "I'm a Naked Mole Rat. I can dig up a termite's nest." "You would do that for us?" Twoey said. "Oh thank you!" Oney made a wait up now gesture. "Um... the only problem is... which termite nest has the rock?" |
| Meanwhile somewhere else, a Termite was showing Phillipe's Rock to his Queen. "I knew that Hideous Rodent Pinky would find the Rock for us!" Said the Queen |
| "Yes, Your Highness," said Woodsman Number 33. "Now we possess the sacred artifact. If the legends are true then we will bne able to work powerful magic with it." "Why do you say IF the legends are true, Number 33? We must have faith that our ancestors would not tell tall tales." |
| There was a loud knocking at the door of the termite nest. "Open up in the name of justice!" "Who could that be?" said Woodsman Number 33. "Don't look at me," said the Queen. "I'm not psychic. Go see who it is that so rudely bangs on the entrance to our nest." |
| 33 opened the door to see Oney and Twooey "We are the Insect Island Investigation." Said Oney and Twooey in unison "We have tracked your scent from the Cabin in the Swamp...One of you is under arrest for the murder of Pinky of the Pinkamena Clan." |
| "Well, it's certainly not me!" said the Queen. "Take this woodsman if you must." "But Your Highness!" protested Number 33. Then he turned to Oney and Twoey. "She stole the rock! I know where she keeps it!" |
| Oney and Twooey looked at each other knowingly "Termites." Said Oney "Never met a hive that wasn't dysfunctional." Said Twooey |
| "It's in her safe," said Woodsman Number 33. "You traitor!" spat out the Queen. "You'll lose your head for this." |
| After Oney and Twoey recovered Phillipe's Rock from the Termite Queen's safe, Oney turned to Woodsman Number 33 and said, "You can come with us, if you like, and we'll keep you safe." Number 33 said, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm a termite and I will die like a termite, viciously murdered by an irrational Queen." The Queen said, "Oh, you are going to feel so much pain." |
| In those days there was a whole herd of dragons and Tiamat was young. This was before all the dragons became extinct except for Tiamat. Why not Tiamat, you are wondering? That's the story I am going to tell you. The dragons had three mortal enemies. One was the Killer Bats of the Black Mountain Caves. They would land on sleeping dragons and suck their blood. If too many bats fed on a dragon, the dragon would become paralyzed by the toxins in the bat saliva. |
| The 2nd Enemy was the dreaded Dragons-Bane Plant The Third and Most Dangerous Enemy was Humans |
| Humans were relatively new in those days. The grunted a lot and had difficulty keeping a fire going. Their clothes stank. Bathing had not been discovered yet. |
| The Dragons laughed at them at first "Loot at them!" Laughed the Dragon Warrior Claw "Naked Apes they are!" The Noble Unicorn Amalthia shook her head "Don't laugh Dragon Warrior." She said "I foresee doom will be coming for us." Claw scoffed "You Unicorns are always foreseeing doom in everything!" Meanwhile the Humans were arguing whether they should have one wife or many many wives as one chooses |
| Understandably, the men and the women could not agree which was better. Meanwhile, the mad hermit Jake was inventing the first weapon, a long pole with a sharp point on it. He called it a spear. The unicorns watched him kill small animals with it. "You know," Almathia said. "I don't think anything good will come from that." |
| Jake came to the arguing Men and Women and said "If we work together we could potentially bring down a Mammoth! But we have to work together!Which means no bickering!" One of the Women actually a Foolish Young Girl known as Dreamer asked "Why do we have to eat meat? Why can't we only eat fruits and nuts like some other creatures do?' |
| "That's a good question," Jake said. "And I will tell you the answer. "It takes a lot of time to gather enough fruit and nuts to keep us all alive, but killing just one big animal would feed us for a week. So I ask you? Do you want to spend all your time gathering? Or do you want to spend a little time hunting and have the rest of the time free for fun?" "I guess I choose fun," said the Dreamer. "Where's the meat?" |
| All the Men were needed to bring down a Mammoth, and such they needed to share the spoils equally. The Mightiest Hunter Rock realized he needed to share more then the Meat, he needed to share the Tribe's Women with the Other Men. "Okeydokey..." Said Rock "...I guess every man can have one wife." |
| "Yay!" said the other men. And it was lucky for Rock, because the other men had been plotting to kill him while he was sleeping so they could have some women. Now they wouldn't have to do that. |
| We shall fast forward a bit to the time of King Arthur, Dragon regularly scourged the land, burning the crops and devouring entire Herds of Cattle |
| The two most common ways of dealing with the dragon problem were Knights in Armor and Wizards using Magic. |
| He had shining silver armor that he polished every night. From his helmet fluttered a pink ribbon, the emblem of his girlfriend, Guinevere. One day the King said to him, "There are reports of a dragon ravishing the Northlands. Go there and dispatch it back to the Hell from whence it came." |
| Lancelot rode forth singing a song about how much he loved Guinevere. The Dragon in Question was Tiamat's Uncle Fang. Tiamat had entered her Adolescent Stage of Life |
| Oh, Guinevere, my Guinevere I love you very much, my dear My heart blooms throughout the year Whenever I know you are near Uncle Fang was munching on some sheep when he heard the singing knight approaching. What now, he thought. Is this another one of those sardine cans with a sword and a spear? |
| Aha, thought Uncle Fang. The tin can wants me dead. But I will roast him with my flame and then it will be he who is dead instead. |
| Of course Lancelot didn't become the most famous Knight for no reason he had tipped his lance with the Dragons-Bane plant which when he thrust it under Fang's nose gave Fang a bad case of the hives while Fang was distracted itching himself, Lance slayed the Dragon by stabbing the soft underbelly. Tiamat saw all of this she was about to rush to help her Uncle when her Mom caught her "I knew this would happen." Mom said sadly "This place is no longer safe for us...We must fly! Fly to the frozen North!" |
| Tiamat cried all the way as she and her mom flew north. "Poor old Uncle Fang. And I don't want to live in the ice and snow!" "Hush, child," said her mom. "It's the only way we can be safe from the humans. They are determined to make dragons extinct. We must hide from them." |
| "How will we survive?" Asked Tiamat "The North has nothing to eat except Polar Bears and Walruses and those tastes funny!" "We won't need to eat anything..." Said her Mom when they reached the Frozen North "We shall sleep for five thousand years!" Mom led Tiamat and her Entire Flock to some ice caverns "The Snow and Ice will preserve us..." She said "...Until the time is ready for us to fly again!" |
| Tiamat was one of the last to fall asleep. She looked at the hundreds of dragons sleeping on the floor of the ice cavern. They rumbled and snored in their sleep so that the cavern was anything but quiet. Tiamat sighed and put her head on her forelegs and closed her eyes... |
| The dog started jumping around and barking and whining. It growled and snapped at the beam of energy. |
| The Scientists concentrated the beam even harder the Dog clutched his head then after a moment, he stood bipedially and his front paws began transforming into hands! |
| The scientists looked at each other with surprise. "Great Jumping Grasshoppers!" exclaimed one of them. "This meteoric Space Rock has strange powers! We must investigate further." |
| They began testing the beam with every Animal the Lab had, the Evolved Cats, Rats, Mice, Rabbits...They kind of regretted evolving a Black Widow Spider... |
| ...because she escaped from the lab. "That's not going to end well," Said Dr. Flipheart. "Do you think we should issue a warning to the public?" "Are you kidding?" said Professor Persimmon. "First thing they would do is try to shut down our lab." |
| The first thing they noticed was the the talent of the Mutated Lab Animals One of the Cats was heard singing "Don't tell Mama" From Caberat |
| Three of the mice were enacting the "Three Blind Mice" scene from the folksong with a rabbit playing the part of the farmer's wife. The rabbits seemed to be natural actors. "Peter Rabbit" was being performed with a cast of nothing but rabbits. Even Farmer McGregor was played by a rabbit. |
| "I'm assuming we rabbits would share in the wealth?" said the rabbit who played Farmer McGregor. Professor Persimmon almost fainted. "Great Jumping Grasshoppers! They can talk!" Dr. Flipheart adjusted his glasses. "And it sounds like they are a bit more intelligent than the average bunny." One of the mice squeaked, "Mice are smart, too!" The Farmer McGregor rabbit patted the mouse's little grey head. "But not as smart as rabbits. Now run along. We rabbits and these scientists have some deal making to do." Dr. Flipheart squinted. "Deal? What kind of a deal?" "Like I said before, Doctor, you aren't going to make millions off of us unless we get a share of the loot." |
| Of course the Scientists marketed these Animals as Super Intelligent Pets for Human Purchase. When the Demand for them Grew the Scientists began Mutation more exotic Animals and selling these new creatures to Film Companies Such beloved films as 'Werewolf Summer Beach Party' and 'My Roommate is Rhinoceros' were made during this era |
| At the height of their popularity, the Super Intelligent Pets ran into problems. Weird stories began to circulate in social media about intelligent pets stealing their owner's money and car and driving off never to be seen again. It was difficult to say whether the stories were true or not, because it was always hearsay and second hand. Most likely it was just pranksters inventing fake news, but the stories planted doubts in the minds of pet owners and they began to wonder if their pet might do something like that. |
| Then one day...Something really did happen. One day at Paramount Film Studios one of the Animal Actors, a Red Fox Man named Russel Vulpine was approached by a Human Actress from one of those Made-For-TV Movies. "You are so incredibly handsome!" She said "You want some drinks? My treat!" Both got drunk and had sex, the Actress was baffled to find she was pregnant! |
| Her first thought was to have an abortion, but the doctor she approached about it, Dr. Winston Squeezer, happened to have a connection with the University of Southern California science department and he immediately recognized what an amazing thing it would be if she gave birth to a hybrid. The actress, Astoria Grey, was not interested until a large sum of money was mentioned. "Let me get this straight," Astoria said. "I have the baby. You adopt it and then I get all that money? OK, I'll do it." |
| Where was Russell? He was kept out of this...He had no idea why Astoria didn't want to see him again and why everyone was looking at him funny |
| Then one day Russell's best friend, a raccoon named Shiftless, whispered something in his ear. "What?!" Russell said. "A baby! I didn't know it was even possible." "It's possible with your sperm, bro," said Shiftless with a grin. "I hear some Doctor is going to adopt it as soon as it's born." |
| Russel took his Family's Buick and drove to Northern Ontario Canada where Astoria was being studied by a variety of Scientists |
| Astoria was 8-1/2 months pregnant when Russell walked into her room. "Russell!" she said. "I thought you split for good." He grinned. "I had to find you when I found out about the baby. So it's true, eh? We'll be famous." "No, Russell. I'm keeping it quiet. I don't want it in the news." "But we could make money off of this if we play our cards right." "I'm already getting-" She stopped talking suddenly. "Getting what? Money? Part of it should go to me." |
| Twenty-four hours later Astoria was no longer pregnant. A smiling Dr. Winston Squeezer said, "It's a fine healthy boy!" "A boy what?" said Astoria, as she looked at the being who had been living in her womb for over eight months. "Well," said Dr. Squeezer, "Since the mother is a human and the father is a fox..." |
| "Yuck!" said Astoria. "Hard to believe that... thing... came out of me." "Hey!" Russell said. "That's our child you're talking about." "It's not mine any more," she said. "I gave it to Dr. Squeezer." "Well, I'm not going to let some doctor adopt my child. I'll take care of him myself." |
| This was a bit of bind, did the Humans have any right to take a child from his super-pet father |
| Dr. Squeezer thought about it. He doubted that Russell had the patience and stamina to take care of a baby for very long. Maybe the best thing to do would be to agree with the fox, let him try to raise the baby, and offer to help with the childcare. That way, when Russell inevitably grew tired of the constant feedings and diaper changings, then the good doctor could step in with an offer of adoption. |
| Of course Squeezer failed to realize Male Foxes frequently care for the Cubs in nature so Russel dutifully took care of his Mutant offspring |
| The hybrid child grew rapidly (like a fox) and by the end of summer was talking to his father. His name was Bastor, which Russell thought was a clever pun on the mother's name, but Bastor was not very fond of his name and resolved to change it as soon as he was old enough. "Daddy?" Bastor said. "Why does Mommy never come to see me?" "Don't worry about her," Russell said. "When you become famous she'll show up real quick. Just you wait and see." "When will I become famous?" |
| Shiftless listened. "Yes, Russell, I'm still working with talent agencies. Intelligent animals are really hot now. Big money if they are talented. What's your son's talent?" "His talent?" Russell said. Good question. What was Bastor's talent? |
| Of course when he turned he saw Bastor had left and he had no idea where he was. Bastor had left to meet with some troubled punk human kids who Bastor thought was his friends "What are we doing tonight?" Asked Bastor "We're gonna sneak into the electrical plant." Said the Kid with a Purple Mohawk |
| "Why would we do that?" Bastor asked. Purple Mohawk said, "Because we can and because it's cool." |
| As they Kids began to climb the fence Russel was beginning to panic...He had no idea where his son was! Shiftless said "Calm down! Maybe he's gone to play with his friends." "Bastor doesn't have any friends!"Yelled Russel "He hardly ever leaves the house!" "Oh Russel..." Shiftless said shaking his head "...I think we have some real trouble here." Fortunately for Bastor and Owl-Man and his Bat-Girlfriend taking a Night Flight saw the two sneaking into the Power Plant |
| There was a knock on the door and Russell opened it to see the Owl Man. "Thought you might want to know something about Bastor," he said. "Come in and tell me what you know," said the fox. |
| "We saw him and two of his friends sneaking into an electrical power plant." Said the Owl-Man "We called the cops he's currently at the station." |
| "Oh, crap!" Russell said. "I was hoping he would grow up without making any major mistakes." "That's too much to ask of a kid," said the Owl Man. "At least he didn't go on a crime spree my own kid went on." |
| "Wow! That's a shocker," Russell said. "Then he stole the rabbit man's car and crashed it. Two people were injured severely," continued the Owl Man. "How did it all end?" "Unfortunately, I was so angry with him I told him he was no longer a son of mine and not to expect me to visit him in prison." "Did he serve out his time?" Russell asked. "No, he committed suicide in prison. Hung himself with a bed sheet. I'll regret all my life not being more compassionate. He was my son and I deserted him when he needed me most." |
| What happened in the following years, resulted in more Human/Animal Hybrids and the governments of Earth becoming increasingly concerned that Humanity would be bred out of existence |
| Bastor managed to stay out of any more trouble and Russell was happy. Turned out Bastor's talent was for dancing. "Look at this move, Dad!" Bastor said. Even though he was 22 he still lived with his dad. "Cool!" Russell said. He admired Bastor's grace and athletic ability, but he figured he probably inherited a lot of it from his old man. Russell thought he could have been a dancer himself. |
| They ate Cheetos and watched Reruns of 70s TV Shows When suddenly BREAKING NEWS "We have reports the first Dinosaur Super-Pet a Tyrannosaurus Rex named Daisy has escaped the Super Pet Lab this creatures is armed, dangerous...And Hungry!" |
| She found a large cave in the Mountain, she could fit through it so she went in "Yuck! This place reeks of mildew..." She said as she rubbed her nose,she spotted some cave paintings... |
| "Hmmm, interesting..." Daisy said. "So that's how humans have sex. I always wondered about that." After sitting in the cave for fifteen minutes Daisy realized she couldn't stay in there forever. For one thing, she was hungry and she had to eat something. |
| But as she turned to leave she heard a strange musical voice ask "Are you a Dragon? Daisy turned and saw Tiamat 'I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex." Said Daisy |
| "Oh," said Tiamat. "I thought you might be a dragon. You have the general appearance of one, except for that monstrously huge head." "Monstrously huge?" Daisy said. "Oh, sorry. That came out sounding insulting, didn't it? I just meant dragons have sleeker heads than yours. That's all." |
| "I don't even know what a Dragon is." Said Daisy "We're creatures who can breathe fire, fly and can be pretty good at stealing." Tiamat gave Daisy some hamburger meat she had stolen from a local Grocery Store, as the two of them ate, Daisy gave Tiamat her life story. "Wow." Tiamat said "Things have really changed. Since I came to this city, I have had no idea why I see so many Animals wearing clothes and acting like Humans...I had no idea Humans had the ability to forge the Animals into cheap imitations of themselves!" "I know." Said Daisy "I decided I didn't want to be someone's pet so I escaped." "I am the last of my kind." Said Tiamat "Humans destroyed my People...I've been waiting for a way to get revenge." Daisy slurped the last bit of her meat and Tiamat threw an arm over her shoulder "I have an idea..." Tiamat said "Why don't we become Partners in Crime?" |
| Daisy laughed. "I do have to eat and you seem to be an expert at stealing food." "We can be outlaws together," Tiamat said. "OK," agreed Daisy. "Let's do it. We'll form our own gang. What shall we call it?" |
| "I remember the Days of Robin Hood." Said Tiamat "Instead of the Merry Men we'll call ourselves the Merry Beasts! We are Wild Beasts! Nobody's Pets!" |
| Daisy clapped her claws. "I like it! The Merry Beasts of Crystal City Forest. Let's go rob from the rich and give to the poor." "The poor being ourselves?" said Tiamat. "You got it, sister!" |
| "Of course we could be more than two Merry Beasts..." Said Tiamat "We need some more members, I'm sure some unhappy beasts will join us." |
| "I don't know any," Daisy said, "but maybe after we become famous for robbing the rich they will join us." Tiamat said, "Aren't you worried about getting caught?" |
| "Not really." Said Daisy Meanwhile as Bastor was getting ready for bed he remembered the news report |
| "Dad?" Bastor said. "Do you think that escaped dinosaur is anywhere around here?" "I don't know, son," said Russell. "I sure hope not. I wouldn't want to face a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Would you?" |
| "How did they create her?" Asked Bastor "I don't know!" Said Russel "DNA is fossils or something!" |
| "I wonder if she can dance," Bastor said. Russell rolled his eyes. "I'm pretty sure dinosaurs don't dance." |
| Meanwhile Tiamat and Daisy fell asleep in the cave dreaming about the next adventure they would have/// |
| In Daisy's dream they were exciting heroes of the downtrodden classes, stealing from the wealthy and giving to the poor. There was lots of singing and laughing and drinking and eating. In Tiamat's dream she was old and weary and being dragged around by a youngster who wanted to keep moving while Tiamat just wanted to lie down and rest. It was almost a nightmare. |
| Daisy called to the Rooster Man, "Hey, Rooster Man! Come here!" "What do you want?" he said when he was standing under her window. "Breakfast," Daisy said and she snatched him up and swallowed him. |
| "Why did you eat him?" Asked Tiamat "We could have asked him to join us! No one else will join our band of Merry Beasts if they think they'll be eaten!" |
| Daisy burped. "I was hungry." Tiamat scowled. "Well, if you want to be in a gang with me then you will not, repeat NOT, eat any talking beasts. Understand?" Daisy hung her head down. "Yes, I understand." "Now we just better hope nobody saw you do that or we'll never be able to recruit anybody." |
| Nobody who was intelligent did, plenty of ordinary woodland creatures saw, but they didn't count for anything. Meanwhile Scientists were still creating plenty of Super Pets in the Lab and while studying Super-Pet Cells VS Human Cells one Scientist Professor H.M. Hastings made of discovery "Holy #$y#! If my calculations are correct then Super Pets are either completely immune to cancer or only get it very rarely." |
| "That's incredible if true!" said Dr. Sloan. "What a breakthrough! We'll be famous!" "We?" said Hastings. "The Lab," said Sloan. "You work here at the Lab, you know. You're not a lone wolf." |
| "Does anyone know how and why the Super Pets are seemingly immune to Cancer?" Asked Lab Assistant Jeanie Meanwhile Daisy and Tiamat took a moment to sunbathe in the Early Morning Sunrise when they heard the sound of footsteps approaching. "Someone's coming." Tiamat said "Return to the cave.: As they retreated to the cave they saw a Fat Lady and her Super Pet a Female Bulldog Super Pet "I really don't know what know what to say Waddles," The Lady Said "But since my mortgage was foreclosed I simply can't afford to feed you anymore! But you can take care of yourself can't you?" "Um..." Waddles began to say "Very good!" Said the Fat Lady "Good bye Waddles! I know you'll survive!" With that the Lady got into her Volkswagen Beetle and drove off |
| Daisy rushed out of the cave. "Waddles!" Waddles barked in fright and took off running. "No, wait!" Daisy said. "I don't want to eat you!" Tiamat pushed her aside. "Let me handle this." |
| Tiamat sent out of her mouth a few balls of fire to set the grass in front of Waddles aflame Quickly Tiamat put the fires out with her tail "I wish I didn't have to do that but we had to slow you down somehow...I am Tiamat the Last Dragon in Existence," |
| "I am Waddles, the abandoned pet," said Waddles and then she began to sob. "Hey, don't cry," Daisy said. |
| "Would you like to join our band of Merry Beasts?" Asked Tiamat "You mean like...Robin Hood's Merry Men?" Asked Waddles "Exactly!" Tiamat said with a grin "And we steal from the rich and give to the poor?" Said Waddles Tiamat and Daisy looked at each other and grinned Meanwhile Russel felt he needed to have a talk with Bastor about the importance of selecting proper friends. |
| "Bastor?" Russell said. "Yes, dad?" said Bastor. "Bastor, a man is judged by the decisions he makes. If he makes good decisions, then he is a good man. Understand?" "Sure, dad." "Now one big decision we can make is who will be our friends." |
| "Is it fun being so huge?" Waddles asked. "You better believe it!" Daisy said. "I can beat up anybody and nobody can beat me." "I don't get in any fights." "That's because you're an itty bitty little dog." |
| "Um..." Waddles wanted to change the subject "...Do you know any games?" "I know one game." Said Daisy "Chase things and eat them." "Do you want to know how to play card games?" Waddles asked taking a pack of cards from her sleeve |
| "Sure," Daisy said. "I never had any friends before to teach me new games." "Am I your friend?" Waddles asked. "Yes, you are. I would never eat you." "That's comforting," Waddles said, trembling a little as he dealt out some cards to himself and the dinosaur with the huge head filled with sharp teeth. |
| Tiamat meanwhile hoisted some more Hamburger Meat from a local grocery store when she heard snatches of a conversation. "You are cordially invited to Professor Hastings place for supper." Tiamat peeked and saw a Human talking to Female Ant Super Pet |
| "Thank you, Mrs. Hastings," said the Ant. "I would be delighted to attend. Professor H.M. Hastings is one of my heroes." "He will be delighted to hear that, Matilda," said Mrs. Hastings. |
| Tiamat narrowed her eyes she was certain that the Professor had some ulterior motive and that the Ant was in serious danger |
| Outside in the street, Tiamat stopped the Ant. "Can I speak with you a moment?" The Ant looked up at the imposing bulk of Tiamat. "Certainly, oh large and scaly one." "I think you may be in danger if you attend that dinner at the Hastings' house." "Oh, pshaw!" said the Ant. "The Hastings are respected members of the community. You, on the other hand... I'm not sure WHAT you are." |
| Tiamat wasn't sure how much time she could give her story before another human came along and would see her |
| "Look, Ant," Tiamat said. "I don't have time to argue with you. I've got great intuition and I gave you a friendly warning. If you choose to ignore my warning, then that's your responsibility. But trust me... Don't go to the Hastings' House tonight. And now I must say good-bye." |
| Tiamat hoped she had saved the Ant of course she then saw something horrific! She saw what seemed like Skeletons coming forth from the ground! |
| Am I hallucinating? thought Tiamat. But the skeletons began to dance and sing... We are the ones who are made from bones We have no hats and we have no phones Here in the woods we like to play Seldom someone comes this way "I came this way," said Tiamat. "Get back in the ground and leave me alone." |
| "Mademoiselle..." Said one Skeleton "I fear you do not comprehend...These are the End Times and we are the ones who END it." |
| Tiamat kicked the skeleton and it went sliding across the ground. "Don't play the French card on me, Mr. Bones. I'm no mademoiselle. I'm a hell bitch who breathes fire and I think I will roast some bones." |
| All over the Planet Skeletons were crawling out of the ground, Humans screamed with terror The Worst Part however was in Burbank California when a half-rotted little girl rose from her grave the bow in her hair had a life of it's own The little girl shambled over to her still living older sister Pollyanna "Oooh! Pollyanna can you play with me?" |
| Pollyanna screamed and fainted. "I guess not," said the half-rotted little girl. |
| Tiamat returned to Daisy and Waddles who were already being menaced by the Skeletons...Or at least the Skeletons were trying to menace them Waddles being a Dog was happy to have so many bones. Daisy however found them somewhat lacking "They got no meat!" She said |
| "But they do have a nice crunch," she added. Tiamat laughed. "It's always about food with you." Daisy said, "Food is important, isn't it? You can't live without it." |
| Tiamat then shot out a puff of flame to then those bones to a crisp "Why are all these bones moving by themselves?" Asked Waddles "]One of them said something about it being the 'end times' Said Tiamat |
| "The end of what?" asked Waddles. "Good question," said Tiamat. "It couldn't be the end of time itself." |
| "Maybe they meant the end of the world," Daisy said. "How would the world end?" asked Waddles. "I don't know. Maybe a giant asteroid hits it?" |
| Meanwhile all over the Planet, People were running in fear from the Skeletons...However when a Skeleton caught a Human they didn't know what to do with it afterward. "What do we do with them?" Asked One Skeleton "Ask the Boss." Said Another Skeleton "Which one's the Boss?" Asked a Third |
| "The one with the biggest bones," said Skeleton #2. "That would be Old Jake," said #3, "but he's retired. How could he be the boss?" "I don't know, but I am going to ask him anyway." Old Jake was sitting on his porch in a rocking chair. His bones were huge. "Old Jake!" said Skeleton #2. "We're catching a lot of humans, but now what? What do we do with them?" |
| "Exactly," said Old Jake. "How do you think I became a skeleton? I was murdered in my sleep by a jealous wife." |
| Meanwhile, Tiamat, Daisy and Waddles were able to find more Super Pets to join the Merry Beasts |
| The first one they found was Princess, a Persian Cat. She was wearing a jeweled collar. "Are you sure you want to give up your life of luxury?" asked Waddles. "Looks like you had it pretty sweet." "They fed me dry cat food! Nothing but dry cat chow. I want some fish," I demanded. "You know what they said?" |
| "What did they say?" Asked Waddles "They said I would get fat if I had fish!" Said Princess "I know plenty of Cats who eat Fish and those Cats are fit as fiddles!" Searching for more Super Pets they gathered three Birds, Two Fish One Goat and a Monkey |
| One of the Fish happened to overhear Princess cat's comments and shuddered. "Some people will eat anything." The Goat said, "Amen to that, brother." |
| "Merry Beasts!" Tiamat said "Tis no time for petty squabbles! We must do something about these Human Skeletons!" |
| The Goat said, "As long as they don't turn beasts into skeletons, I'm fine with it. Humans eventually become skeletons anyway. This just speeds up the process." |
| Tiamat felt certain the Skeletons wouldn't stop with Humans, she needed to rally the Super-Pets to her cause |
| "Listen up, all you Merry Beasts," Tiamat said. "Just because the Skeletons are attacking humans now does not mean they will not eventually pose a threat to us beasts. We need to do something." "What?" said a little Rabbit. |
| You may think that The Skeletons were rising from the dead because it truly was meant to be the End of the Age of men...In Actuality the Skeletons were being caused by a Satanic Cult who were sacrificing Humans so they could be the new rulers of the Earth |
| Tiamat found that out in a very roundabout way. A seagull flew into the Merry Beast s' camp with a strange tale of witnessing a Human sacrifice. |
| Tiamat sighed "Humans..." She said shaking her head "...They never should have evolved...Wicked Species." |
| "I don't think they are so bad," said the Little Rabbit. "They gave me carrots!" |
| "Do you realize Carrot Roots aren't good for you Rabbit?" Asked Tiamat "Carrot Leaves are fine for Rabbits but Carrot Roots are poisonous." |
| "They are?" said Little Rabbit and tears began to form in his big eyes. "Oh nooooo! I'm going to die! Waaaaaaaaa!" |
| Tiamat dried his Eyes with a lettuce leaf "I don't think you'll die." She said "You didn't eat enough carrot to fatally poison yourself...We must focus Beasts! It is only a matter of time before the Skeletons destroy us! We must form a plan!" |
| "I have a plan," Daisy said. "I'll stomp on them and crush them with my big feet. I will bite them with my big teeth. I will grind their bones into dust." "OK," Tiamat said, "Violent, but it's a plan. I imagine someone your size could eliminate dozens , if not hundreds, of skeletons, but there must be thousands of them," |
| Of course Tiamat knew she also had to stop the Cultists who were causing the Skeletons to appear |
| The Satanic Cult called itself the Followers of Great Satan and were known as the FOGS. The FOGS had discovered the secret of animating skeletons on a dark moonless night in November when the owls were hooting and the bats were flapping through the night sky. By accident one of the FOGS misquoted the ancient chant of Hi Linii Sahmja Kwello (which means "Let the moon awaken tonight") as Hi Linii Hahmja Kwello (which means "Let the dead awaken tonight"). But since the FOGS had no power to raise the dead, they got skeletons raised instead. |
| One of the owls raised his wing. "My name is Heironymus Wretch and I was there on that moonless night in November when the FOGS raised the first skeletons. It was an eerie sight, my friends. They did it with a magical chant. Perhaps it can be undone with a magical chant?" |
| "No." Said a Quiet Voice Everyone turned and saw a One Foot Flea Super Pet "We can only be saved if we kill the Leader of the Cult, I can do it...I can kill him with one nibble." |
| "One nibble?" said Hieronymus. "That's a mighty powerful nibble, my friend." "I carry the plague germ," said the Flea. Hieronymus moved back. "Oh. I see." |
| "Then I will give it a try," said the Flea. "Wish me luck." "Good luck!" said Hieronymus. |
| The Flea traveled deep underground, she could catch the scent of blood, but it wasn't appetizing to her for this blood had been tainted by black sorcery. The Mad King was preaching to his flock, the Flea knew she would have to be quick and be stealthy... Sticking to the Shadows she edged closer and closer to to alter no one noticed a one foot Flea creeping. Finally she reached the Mad King and bit his ankle! |
| The Mad King reached down to grab whatever was biting his ankle, but the Flea had already let go and hopped away. She was sure that enough of her saliva had entered his bloodstream to infect him. Of course, the plague did not kill right away. It would take a few days, but the plague was contagious, so with any luck the entire flock would become infected. |
| And thus the Plague began not just for the Cult but for all of Humanity leaving only the immune left for every one human left Earth had 20 Super Pets |
| Strangely enough, the Little Rabbit grew up to become Ruler of the Super Pets. He organized them during the bad times when the humans were dying. "We must stick together," he said. "We don't need humans to feed us. We'll grow our own food." Then later, when the Pets had farms and kitchens going, he sassumed more and more powers until one day he was like an Emperor. Ruler of the Super Pets. He assumed the name Caesar, because he had heard that Caesar was a great human ruler. |
| The Humans realized they would need to leave Earth if they wanted to survive they built rocket ships |
| "Of course..." He said "I have to make sure no one else starts a rival gem shop..." In Gemtown was a beloved theater where they performed all the most beloved plays and musicals of the Animal People Of course something about Animal Plays is that...Species heavily factors into who gets cast...Because the stories are written with specific species in mind, you can't have the classic gag with the character getting his horns antlers stuck in something if the actor antlers and of course the ever beloved gags of winged creatures forgetting his companions can't fly or gilled creatures likewise forgetting his companions can't surviveunderwater |
| Ernie became a big fan of the Animal Plays and every time a new one opened, he was there to watch it. One of Ernie's favorites was a children's play called Little Red Riding Hood with a Wolf playing the Wolf, a Beaver playing the Woodsman, a Chicken playing Grandma, and a Red Bird playing Little Red Riding Hood. |
| Of course Gemtown also had Plays specifically for adults, By this we mean 'Burlesque Shows' (It was a Small Town, they didn't have the money or space to get a specific Burlesque theater) Ernie didn't attend these as he preferred to spend his nights building his new Gem Shop of course one of the most popular adult Shows of this season was a Slapstick commedia dell'arte simply known as 'White Tail' in this a Handsome young Buck is tricked into a situation getting his front half stuck in a hollow tree from that point forward his bare butt is facing the audience and all through the play various characters due various things to his butt from spanking with various implements to pinching to pricking until the bottom is bright red instead of white, but of course it was never as bad as it looked and it clear the Buck was happy as he took a bow with each performance |
| A special treat for Ernie was the first week of each season when the Animal Playhouse did an Opera or a Musical. For the summer season they chose Sound of Music, except they called it The Sound of Animals. The hills are alive with the sound of animals They peep, grunt, and bark all over the land A hiss, a kiss, a sound like a train The sweet refrain Of critters and beasts... |
| Of course not everyone in Gemtown loved the Theater the Local Colony of Ants didn't see the point of such frivolous activities |
| On the other hand, the Songbirds were the biggest fans of the musicals. Often they memorized all the songs and would sing along with the cast. The other audience members would say, "Shhh! Can't you birds keep quiet?" but the birds just kept on singing. One Mockingbird said, "I can't help it. It's like an instinct in me to repeat every note I hear." |
| The ants worked hard and were willing to accept bread crumbs for payment. The foreman told Ernie, "Never hire a grasshopper. They are all slackers who would rather dance and fiddle than work." |
| Ernie wasn't terribly sure about that and thought the foreman might be racist, but he simply nodded and provided bread crumbs for his ant workers. Late at night as everyone slept, Something, dark, ancient and evil slithered out of the Swamp, it wasn't Tiamat, this was something else entirely this was the Wyrm, with a Y she wasn't even an Earthling she had crashed into Earth many eons ago, and tonight was another one of her 'wake up times' She slithered into Gemtown and peeked into every window until finally she found what she was looking for...A Sturdy Cow-Girl known as Molly Moo, The Wyrm wrapped her prehensile tail around Molly Moo and took her back to her Swamp Lair |
| Molly Moo was a sound sleeper and didn't wake up until they reached the Wyrm's lair. "Golly gee!" she said with a big yawn. "Am I dreaming?" The Wyrm's voice was hideously slithery. "No, my dear. You are not dreaming. Welcome to my home where you shall be my wife and mother my children." When the Wyrm said that, Molly Moo's eyes snapped open and she was wide awake. "Well now, see here, sister. I don't think I'm quite ready to be nobody's wife and especially not the wife of a thing like you and ain't you a girl like me? How am I going to be your wife?" |
| "I ain't in your species," Molly said. "I'm in my species and we got bulls and cows." |
| When Ernie awoke to the Rooster crowing, the Gemtown Crier Steve the Howler Monkey was yelling "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Cow-Girl Molly Moo taken in the night!" |
| "Tell me more," Ernie said. "That's all I got," said the Howler Monkey. "She was taken in the night." "By who or what?" "I don't know man. By something big enough to steal a cow, right? Look, I don't make the news, I just report the news." "OK, OK," said Ernie. "It's just that Molly Moo was a special friend of mine." "Oh, it's like that, is it?" said the Monkey. "Wink, wink, and a hinkly pink?" "I don't even know what that means," Ernie said. |
| At he Local Saloon all anyone could talk about was the abduction of Molly Moo Ernie ordered a sarsaparilla and two buttermilk biscuits as he listened to the gossip |
| "Probably some bull in heat took her," said a Doe named Alice. "Oh, Alice," said her girlfriend Inez. "Bulls are males. They don't get in heat. That's what females do." |
| "Besides..." Said a Rattlesnake polishing a glass "Some species don't rutt, that's what you're thinking of Alice, what male Deer,Elk and Moose do during mating season is Rutt,Male Elephants have a similar thing called Musth but not every species has that...We Snakes don't we're always cool as cucumbers...." |
| "You mean cold-blooded," Inez said. "I would rather get in bed with an ice cube than a Snake." "That's because you are frigid yourself," said the Snake. Inez grew red in the face. "If you didn't serve the best drinks in Gemtown I would take my business somewhere else." "Our drinks are chill. The coolest and the coldest." Alice giggled. "I think I've had too much bubbly." |
| Is Inez a Doe like Alice or is she something else? Ernie decided he had enough of listening to gossip he paid for his food and left and returned to his Shop. One of the Ants had seen what had happened |
| "A Monster!" Said The Ant "A nasty slimy monster slithered into town and took Molly Moo away to the swamp!" |
| Immediately a Squirrel who was in the shop and heard what the Ant said ran out into the street and started hopping up and down. "To the swamp, men! To the swamp! We must rescue Molly Moo!" |
| As they Marched to the Swamp, the Wyrm was attempting 'seduce' Molly Moo with a candlelit meal of...Swamp Grass and Swamp Water |
| Molly Moo sniffed at the SwampGgrass. "I don't think I've ever eaten Swamp Grass before. it smells interesting." The Wyrm said, "Taste it, dear one. You will find we eat well here in the swamp. Would you like some Ginger root in your Swamp Water? It gives it a nice tang." They heard in the distance the sound of many feet and yelling. "What's that?" Molly Moo said. The Wyrm listened. "Hmmm, sounds like a blood-thirsty mob. I hope they don't have pitchforks. We must be very quiet and not make a sound." |
| The Mayor of Gemtown a Lioness named Artura turned to the Dogs and Wolves. "Can you catch Molly Moo's Scent." "Indeed." Said a Bloodhound "Coming from under the roots of that Mangrove tree!" |
| The Wyrm whispered to Molly Moo, "That's our cue to get out of here fast." "I don't want to leave," Molly Moo said. The Wyrm frowned. "But I thought we had something special." The barking dogs drew closer to the Mangrove Tree. "Later," said the Wyrm and slipped beneath the waters with hardly a splash. Artura the Lioness called out, "Molly Moo! Are you in there?" Molly stepped out. "Here I am." |
| No one spoke for the rest of the Journey back to Gemtown Ernie turned to the Ant who saw the crime "Why didn't you say anything earlier?" |
| "I was scared." the Ant said. "I thought maybe that thing knew I saw it and it would come back and get me, so I hid and then I got tired of hiding and then I saw you so I told you." "Well, if anything like that happens again tell somebody right away." "I will. I'm sorry." "It's okay. At least it ended well. How are you guys coming with the work? Is my shop ready now? It looks ready." "We just have a few spots to touch up. That's all." |
| The next day was one of the Hottest Days of the Summer, the Ants continued to Work because Ants have Super-Heat Resistance but almost everyone else went to the Saloon for cold Sarsaparilla. "Does anyone know what that Monster that kidnapped Molly Moo actually was?" Ernie asked as he sipped his soda. The Bloodhound who was the Town's Chief of Police shrugged "My nose caught a strange scent...I never detected a scent like that before in my life." |
| "We need to stay alert," Ernie said. "it might come back. Molly Moo said it was in love with her." "What?!" said the Bloodhound. "That's the craziest thing I ever heard." "I've heard crazier," Ernie said. "Meanwhile, I've got an announcement to make. Listen up, everybody! My gem shop is ready. Grand opening tomorrow!" Ernie hardly slept at all that night because he was so jazzed about his gem shop finally being open. All morning people stopped by to check out his shop. Gemtown had dreams of becoming another Crystal City, so Ernie knew everybody from the mayor on down would support him as best they could. Sure enough, he sold a lot of gems. In the afternoon Molly Moo stopped by. "It's a nice store, Ernie." "Thanks, Molly. Why do you look so glum?" Molly sighed. "I can't help but think about that swamp monster and her Swamp Grass and her weird ideas about me being a mother to her children. I wonder what that would be like, Ernie?" "Pretty stange, I imagine, if the kids looked anything like her." |
| "Can I interest you in some gems?" Asked Ernie Molly Moo yawned "I don't need any Gems today." She said "I think I need another nap." After a long day of business... |
| Ernie was happy with the way his first day open ended. He sold more than he expected to. He suspected the locals were being kind to him to support his shop. He went over to the Local Saloon to celebrate with a sarsaparilla and a blueberry pancake. "Hello, Ernie!" said June Bug, the waitress. "Did you have a good day?" "I sure did," Ernie said. "Looks like I'm back in business." "Do you ever wish you were back in Crystal City?" "Not really. I've got good memories of the place, but things change. Life moves on." June Bug smiled at him. "Isn't that the truth, Ernie." "This is a good pancake." "Thank you. My mother taught me how to cook and she was great at it. We all got fat growing up in her house." "You don't look so fat to me." June Bug blushed. "You're sweet. How come you don't have a wife or a girlfriend?" |
| Three days travel from Gemtown was the mountain city of the bird people... Featheropolis. Normally a peaceful place, Featheropolis was in an uproar. The population had divided into two factions, for and against. For and against what, you ask? That is our story... |
| The Society was divided over accepting Non-Birds into what was previously only a Bird-Only City |
| The Traditionalists, or Trads, as they called themselves, wanted to keep Bird City pure and allow only birds to live there. They were led by an old Sea Gull named Cranston. The New Folk, as they called themselves, tended to be a younger segment of the Bird City population. They wanted the city open to everyone no matter what his species. They were led by a Blue Jay named Fred. At a town meeting, Fred and Cranston put forth their views. "Letting in other species," said Cranston, "can only cause problems. What happens when a cat eats a bird?" Fred made a dismissive gesture. "What happens when a Hawk eats a bird? Let's not fool ourselves that only other species eat birds. And yet we allow Hawks to live in Bird City. Why? Because they obey the laws and we have a great police force." |
| The Older Birds were more prudish, one reason they didn't want non-birds to enter Featheropolis was because Bird People don't have adult plumage until puberty until then, thought the Traditionalists they didn't want any Non-Bird to see the Children |
| Cranston pounded the podium. "This renegade upstart Blue Jay wants our naked hatchlings exposed to public view!" The crowd gasped. "Oh for Heavens Sakes," Fred said. "That is not at all what I want. And what happened to good old fashioned diapers and clothes? You can't cover your hatchlings?" |
| "That isn't the point!" Said Cranston "When we Bird People are young, we are unable to fly! Helpless! If other Animals could see us as Hatchlings they could find ways to take advantage of us!" "Um..."Said Fred "You do realize Birds live in places other then Featheropolis? And that these Birds don't mind if other creatures see the hatclings?" |
| "They mind!" Cranston said. "It's just there is not much they can do about it. But here in Featheropolis we can have a paradise for birds. Here no one will ever have to worry about their hatchlings being taken advantage of." |
| Finally it grew late and the public meeting broke up as birds went home to sleep. Fred stayed up late with some of his New Folk buddies. "What are we going to do, Fred?" asked a young Sparrow. "These old Trads are stuck in the mud. They'll never change." "We could start a new bird city," said a Crow. "A new city for the New Folk." |
| "And where would we build that city?" asked the Sparrow. "And how? What are we supposed to do? Give up our jobs here and go off trying to build a city? Most of us don't even work in the construction industry." The crow harrumphed. "It's just an idea. I thought it was a good one. You don't. OK, I get that." |
| The Sparrow rolled his eyes. "OK, flea brain, let's hear your idea." The Flea frowned. "Hey! Just because I am a flea with a little tiny head doesn't mean I can't think as good as you can." "Whatever," said the Sparrow. "What's your idea?" "When I was in Gemtown, I met a Raccoon named Ernie that owns a gem shop. This Ernie is fabulously rich and getting richer every day. I propose we ask him to finance our new city and in return we will give him a monopoly on gem and crystal sales in our new town. You know how much birds love bright shiny things." "Hmmm, sounds like an interesting idea. Why don't you go talk to Ernie and see what he thinks?" "I will," said the Flea. Early the next morning the Flea set out for Gemtown. A Seagull had volunteered to give him a ride so it didn't take him long to reach his destination. |
| Ernie sat and listened to the Bird's Proposal, not being a Bird himself Ernie was fine with a Place where Birds and Non-Birds could intermingle and have fun. Meanwhile... |
| Cranston met with some of his fellow Traditionalists. "These young renegade New Folk are turning this city upside down. Can't we put them in jail or something?" The police chief, a Buzzard, said, "They haven't really committed any crimes, have they?" |
| "These Young Birds are just having a 'phase' I was once like that...I liked to listen to loud music and die all my feathers black for shock value...Give the youngster's some time for them's hormones to settle down and they'll settle down." |
| "I don't think that Fred character will ever settle down," Cranston grumbled. "He's a natural born rabble rouser." A few days later, Ernie was just outside of Featheropolis meeting with the Flea and Fred and the Sparrow and the Crow. "I like your proposal," Ernie said. "I will help you build your new city. In return, I will be the only one allowed to buy and sell gems and crystals there. I like birds. They have always been good customers at my other shops." A few days later still, Cranston and his cronies were having another meeting. "Did you hear the latest?" said Matilda the Pheasant. "The New Folk are going to build their own city." "Ha!" Cranston said. "That proves Fred and his gang are a bunch of lunatics. Build their own city? What a crazy idea!" |
| "Our ancestors managed to build THIS city." Said an Eagle "And they didn't have all the fancy tools we have today." |
| Three years later, New Town stood proudly on the banks of the Fly By Night River. A dedication ceremony was in progress... Ernie took the podium. "I want to thank that visionary, Fred the Blue Jay, for having this dream that has now come true. We are at the beginning of a New Age. Let us hope that one day all species, whether they are covered in feathers, fur, or scales, shall live together in peace and harmony and devote themselves to lives of happiness and prosperity. New Town is the first step in that direction. Congratulations to you, the New Folk, it's new citizens." There was loud cheering and chants of "Er-nie! Er-nie! Er-nie!" and "Fred! Fred! Fred!" Ernie banged a gavel on the podium. "And I would like to make a special announcement for all my friends and neighbors. Come up, here, Molly Moo." Molly Moo joined Ernie at the podium. "Molly Moo and I are engaged to be married!" More loud cheering. And so life went on. Ernie and Molly Moo lived a long and happy one and raised lots of children and lots of grandchildren and even some great grandchildren. New Town grew and prospered until one day it was even bigger than Featheropolis and then Featheropolis went into a slow decline as one by one the old Traditionalists died out. All the new generation wanted to be was tolerant and welcoming to all. It's something we can all hope for. * * * |
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