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Let's take the classic Frog Prince story and run some new twists into it just for fun. |
| [Introduction]
I will begin the classic fairy tale of the Frog Prince. You add on where the last writer left off. Let's take that amphibian on a wild ride! No limit minimum or maximum, so write as little or as much as you want... ***NEW RULE: If you are really busy and do not respond to 'your turn' within three days, I'll go ahead and skip you so the next writer can have a crack at it. If you want to be taken out of the group just let me know. Have fun!*** Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess named Elizabeth. She was spoiled and willful and loved nothing more than to play with her golden ball which her doting father had brought back as gift from India for her. One day, after fighting with her maid and successfully having the woman fired, she went out into the enchanted woods next to her castle and tossed her golden ball high into the air. The ball bounced over the fallen oak tree and into the old well nearby. Elizabeth was wrought with sadness and became determined to get her ball back. She cried and whined, but no one came to her aid. She knew she could not climb down to the bottom of the well and mess her fine clothes, so she began to look about for some poor soul to help her. A rather large, green and brown spotted frog came hopping toward her. |
| "What's wrong beatiful girl?" the frog asked kindly. "Whay are you crying?" Elizabeth looked around until she finally took notice of the frog. She frowned thinking a frog was one of the lowliest of beasts. However, Elizabeth was resourceful and knew frogs were great swimmers. "My ball has fallen into the well and I cannot get it out. Would you please fetch it for me?" The little spotted frog climbed up to the edge of the well and peered down. He scrathed his warty, bald head and contemplated his many options. He was, of course, an enchanted frog that used to be a prince and he supposed this might be his chance to get out of the whole enchantment. He looked back at Elizabeth and rubbed his soft white chin. She was lovely to look at, but clearly spoiled and lazy. He thought of luring her to the edge of the well and pushing her in. Being a frog wasn't so bad after all. It had its advantages. There was plently of food if one was willing to do a little tongue flicking. It was always cool and relaxing to be able to swim in the enchanted lakes and streams in the forest. He wasn't sure he wanted to go back to being a prince. Politics bored him, he was dreadfully afraid of public speaking and then there was the whole mess of trying to date. |
| So anyway, the little spotted frog (whose name was Irwin) decided it was an amphibian's clear and benevolent duty to help the poor, scared, but still beautiful Princess Elizabeth. "You can call me Lizzie," she uttered with regal nobility and royal charm. "Just go fetch me the frigging-fracking ball!" He dove down deeply into the cold, mossy green well, soon coming across a fairly large golden-colored object. It was quite heavy to grasp in his little froggy flippers, but he managed the trick and was able to precariously balance it upon his slimy green head. He quickly brought the ball back up to the surface, sputtering and coughing up lungfuls of water. "Gasp! Choke! Here you go," he stammered. The little princess gleefully took up the ball, and then ungratefully dismissed the frog. "Thanks, but I'm outa here," Lizzie cried, exultantly throwing the ball again up into the air and artfully catching it. "Hey, waitaminute! What about my kiss?" asked the froggy prince. He was getting impatient, as his favorite TV show, The Muppets, was about to come on. He wished to head back to his lily pad, kick back with a cold Bud...weis...er, and enjoy. "You can talk?" murmured the princess. She dropped the ball, lost in wonder. "I can sing and dance too, and while wearing a top hat and tails, but not in front of other people. Hey, c'mere and gimmee a big smooch, girlie-girl." |
| "Kiss you?" are you nuts. "You're filthy, slimy and warty!" "Aw come on Lizzie, it's not what's on the outside that counts you know. Besides I got your ball for you." He hopped up onto the fence that edged the meadow. "Here, I'm on your level now. Just a quick lip-smack, babe!" Elizabeth gagged slightly and then made a run for it. She passed the enchanted forest and was on her way up the main cobbled road when suddenly a big white van pulled up and a pair of menacingly long, hairy arms reached out and snatched her. "Help!" she screamed and her voice was cut short as the van sped away in a cloud of dust. Irwin scratched his bald head as he made out the license plate: "B-A-B-U-L-A" "Hey I know that guy," he muttered. "He's that Greek Boogey man that snatches up kids. Wonder what he's doing in these parts." |
| Irwin wasn't sure exactly what to do, but knew he must do something. Besides, the Muppets episode tonight was just a rerun. Other than that, he'd simply hop home and watch Tv. Moving quickly, he took a short cut through the woods to the freeway. Since he was thinking it would be a good thing to be turned back into a prince, he had decided to marry the princess. When she got a little older, that is. He was on the overhang above the freeway when he spotted Babula's large white van. With a brave "Yeehaw!" he leapt throught the air over three hundred feet, and landed squarely on the roof of the van. "But now what'm I gonna do?" he wondered. |
| Inside the van, Babula snickered at the recent crime he had committed. If there was anything he loved to do, it was abduct children to scare their parents. It gave him a sick and demented thrill to watch the news and see some parents crying about their lost offspring. It made him feel significant. Significantly evil, maybe, but it still filled that hole in his pathetic life that twinkees could not. His assistant, Moe Seefus, sat in the passenger seat looking over their schedule in his "Dukes of Hazzard" notebook to see who they were going to kidnap next. "Next ones at the Wilson home" Moe announced. "Wilson home?" Babula replied, "Thats right here!" With that, he slammed on the brakes and Irwin went flying off the hood of the van and ended up down the block. "Hey Babula," began Moe as he watched Irwin zoom through the air, "Do frogs fly?" "No, you just been sniffing that rubber cement too much." answered Babula, "Now get in there and grab the kid while I get the van ready." Irwin pulled himself off of the pavement and noticed that Babula and Moe were going to grab another child. He figured that he didn't have much time and began hopping towards the van as fast as he could. The frog didn't realize was that he had plenty of time because Moe was having trouble grabbing the kid. It turned out that Todd Wilson was a 180lb. fat kid and the ice cream he was eating wasn't helping the situation. Moe struggled to carry the kid, whose attention was still focused on the ice cream despite him being lifted and moved to another location by a complete stranger. Babula watched this with amusement as he stood by the van. He found the site of Moe, a scrawny hick, carrying someone bigger than him to be a very funny site. Irwin finally reached the van and while he noticed that Babula and Moe left the front doors of the van open and that they were busy getting the fat kid in the van, a heroic idea came to him. Babula and Moe slammed the backdoors of the van shut and they simultaneously sighed in relief. Getting the fat kid in and keeping Lizzy from escaping was a hard task. Moe almost pulled a muscle while Babula recieved a black eye from a golden ball that was launched into his face. "Well Mr. Seefus," Babula began, "Looks like our job hear is done." Just then, the van started up and was speeding off away from Moe and Babula. They stood there watching it go away with very surprised looks on their faces. "Thats not good" said Babula. "I'll say," replied Moe, "They got my Dukes of Hazzard notebook!" |
| "No, not that, you idiot...let me breath. Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out." Babula's mind drifted back into his past, back when he took up yoga. His instructor always taught him to take in steady breaths of air and then to steadily let it out until his nerves would calm down. "Oh,oh,ohhhhh. Derrrr, boss, I'm gettin' dizzy." Unfortunately, Moe missed a class or two...or three, or four. "Ohhhh." Yepper. Babula's yoga excersise and Moe's stupor were rudely interrupted by the horn of a big, red tractor trailer barreling down the road towards the evil tyrants. "Lay down, lay down," yelled Babula at the top of his lungs. "Boss, I'm not sleepy," Moe insisted. The big red truck began kicking out smoke from its massive tires as it screeched to a hault over the powerful evil Babula and his cohort, Moe. A pair of tan boots, with the emblem of horses on both sides, stepped down from the driver's side of the massive vehicle and headed to the front as the two evil one's watched. "Are you two alright?" the driver of the truck asked with great concern. "That was quick thinkn' to lay down like that. I didn't think it was possible." Babula smirked as he turned his head towards Moe. "Hey, let me outta herrrrre!" the driver yelled at the top of his lungs from the locked trailor that Babula had unhitched from the rig and left on the side of the road. Babula gloated at how mischievous he was and let out his most evil laugh, ever! "Moo, moo hoo,moo hoo hoo hoo haaaaa!" "Now that was an evil laugh boss," encouraged Moe. As Babula raced the truck after the van, a couple of kids motioned for him to blow the horn. Moe tugged at horn's cord with great enthusiasm. "We're catching up!" yelled Babula. |
| "Lizzie, Fat Kid, we gotta get out of here!" Irwin croaked. Lizzie and Todd rushed to slide the vans side door open and Irwin made a a jump for it, landing in Lizzie's long, cury hair. Todd spied the authentic Dukes of Hazard notebook and swiped it, tucking it neatly within the folds of his ice cream stained jacket. Lizzie and Todd made it away from the van just as the diesel smashed into it. "Babula, the brakes!" Moe screamed just before he went flying through the windshield. Moe's long, skinny body aided in his flight through the air. He landed with a painful skid that fractured three ribs, broke his arm and chewed up his outsides a bit. Babula unbuckled himself and ran to Moe's side. Behind them, the fatal spark ignited the spewing gas. A monstrous explosion took place, deafening all those crazy bystanders that come out to gawk when something bad happens. "Moe! Moe, can you hear me, man?" Babula said anxiously. "Oh, Babula, I hurt everywhere!" "I told you to wear your seatbelt! You're so darn stubborn. You know, it's the law in all fifty states! You could have been killed!" Lizzie ran towards the dark forest that lined the south side of the highway. Todd ran after her as fast as he could given his weight problem. "No, Lizzie!" Irwin croaked from the tangles of her hair. "Not the Dark and Spooky forest, anywhere but there!" "Shut up frog, I know what I'm doing," Lizzie said forcefully. The three disappeared into the trees just as the fire engine came screaming up to the burning gas station. Babula watched them go and held up two of his four hairy fists. "I'll get you, if it's the last thing I do!" he swore. Moe moaned in pain as he was lifted into the ambulance. Babula climbed up beside his friend and partner to make sure Moe made it safely to the hospital. The forest seemed unnaturally dark being that the sun had not set yet. A black cat ran in front of Lizze and across the winding path she was running down. Lizzie veered off the path and Todd followed. "No!" Irwin screamed. "Don't go off the path!" But Lizzie didn't listen. The trees became thicker overhead. When Lizzie finally stopped, there was no sign of civilization at all. The sky was only a faint glimmer in itty-bitty patches between the thick tree branches. "We'll camp here for the night," she announced with undeniable authority. "Are you nuts?" Irwin asked. "Camp in the Dark and Spooky Forest?" "It is a designated campsite," she said angrily to Irwin as she waved her hand toward the rotting picnic bench and firepit. The firepit had a sign planted in the middle of it with a distortedly evil looking Smokey the Bear Face that read: ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES. THE FIRE DANGER IS TOO HIGH. CAMPFIRES ARE PROHIBITED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. "I like camping," Todd said in an incredibly low voice, much like that of Spongebob's sidekick Patrick. He rifled through the folds of his jacket and produced a half eaten bag of marshmallows, a zip-loc full of graham crackers and seven Hershey bars. "We can have s'mores! We can sing Kum-By-Yah! I love that song!" Lizzie gazed at Todd incredulously. Later, she did in fact eat the s'mores that Todd skillfuly cooked over her magic golden ball (it was a multi-purpose toy/tool that produces light and heat, and had a few other magical properties as well). Chocolate, however, had the effect of making her very sleepy. She keeled over in a patch of pine needles and snored so loudly that neither Todd nor Irwin could fall asleep. "Hey Fat Kid!" Irwin said. "My name is Todd. It's not nice to call someone Fat Kid." "Sorry, Tood. Hey, do you think you could untangle me from Lizzie's hair? It's cutting off the circulation in my legs!" "Oh sure," Todd said. Again he reached into his jacket, Irwin was beginning to think it was a magic jacket, and produced a tiny pair of yellow-handled scissors. He lopped off a chunk of Lizzie's hair, freeing Irwin. Then he sat Irwin on his lap while he skillfully removed the tangles and twists of hair that were wrapped around Irwin's legs. "So what's your story frog? I mean I never saw a talking frog before." |
| As Irwin began his story, Todd pulled out some popcorn and began eating, only giving the frog partial attention. He might have given the frog full attention provided he hadn't given a 5 day pause before starting the story. "Once upon a time.." began Irwin, "There was a prince name Sir Irwin III. He lived a normal life of luxury that fat, suburbian kids like you can only dream of." Todd payed no attention to this remark as he reached the halfway point of his bag of popcorn, so Irwin continued. "During the week, I would be attending royal meetings and play games of tennis against other wealthy individuals. But on the weekends, I would get loose and party. Every Friday night I would drink some budweiser and watch the Muppet Show. Then me and my friends would drive around town and hit on chicks that looked attractive at the time, and thats when the problems started." "I met this one girl who was really hot, so I asked her if she wanted to have some fun, and she said yes. So we spent the night playing skiball and frogger at the local arcade until they kicked us out. Then we went over to her place and I passed out on the couch. When I woke up with a hang over, she wasn't so hot anymore. In fact, she was like 60 years old and her nose was like a foot long. She asked me if I wanted some breakfast, and since I had just woken up and was in a bad mood, I said, "Not with you, you old hag!" So she got mad and grabbed her magic wand and turned me into a frog." "The curse can only be broken from a kiss by a princess," she said, "And knowing how stuck up the princesses around here are, I don't think that will be very easy for you!" "And so I said, "I didn't know you were a witch!" which made her angrier and she gave me her business card, and kicked me out of her appartment. I have been a Frog since." Irwin finished his story and found that Todd had fallan asleep with the popcorn bag on his head. Meanwhile, Babula sat in the waiting room of the hospital waiting for an update on Moe's condition. The doctor came in and told him what he could. "Moe has a couple broken bones, but otherwise should be alright." "Will he be able to help me catch those runaway kids and their mysterious savior?" Babula asked. "No," replied the doctor, "In fact I think it would be safer if you didn't go anywhere near him, you are obviously a bad influence on him." The doctor left Babula to think about how he was going to finish his job and get some revenge. So Babula went to the payphone and called Moe's brother, Boe Seefus. "Hello, Boe? are you free tonight?" |
| Boe turned on the tele and lo and behold, a Budweiser commercial was on and showing a frog driving down I-95 apparently whistling the Muppets Show tune, while sporting his new Air Jordans, which he used to steer the van with. This reminded Boe that he needed to go to the dollar store to buy cheap beer, because buying Budweiser would make him live beyond his means. Boe listened intensely as Babula gave him the run down of how they'd catch up with the Princess. "You, know, Boe," Babula began, "We go wayyyy back." "Good friends are hard to find." Boe replied. "True that, my brotha." Anyway, Babula continued, "my sources say that the frog has taken the Princess into the Evil Forest. "Well, I have been down on my luck lately, you know, with the recession and all." said Boe. "Not a problem," Babula was extremely good at solving problems. He reached into his pocket and brought out a piece of paper that had the numbers to a bank vault written down as well as the address to the bank. "I am going to read off to you some important, personal info, so, hope ya got a pen and paper." "It's time to put on make-up, it's time to light the lights. Babula could hear the Muppets Show tune through the phone line as Boe watched it come on. "Now that's goooood family programming." "You can hear that?" Boe asked out of curiosity. "You've got some good hearing." The powerful, omnipotent Babula sang the song along with Boe and finished up the last verse humming together. "Wow, Babula, you missed your calling," Boe complimented. "Do I hear clapping coming from your end?" "Why, yes." Babula replied. "I'm so embarrassed. Thank you all. Thank you. Thank you all again." Just then, two guys wearing white and holding nets ran by, looking for whoever was the cause of the commotion. Babula quickly pointed at an elderly lady who was pushing a baby in a stroller. "What are you doing, get your hands off me sonny. Let me go, let me gooo," she yelled as they took her away, "you'll hear from my lawyer." The party was over and Babula got a serious wake-up call. "Listen, Boe. I am going to give you full authority to go to my bank and take out a couple bucks so that you can grab a bite to eat and what not, and to also buy a ride over the internet with my Visa Checkcard." Babula gave to Boe all pertinent info so that he could get started, and then later meet him and Moe at the hospital. |
| (Sorry to disappoint, but it is MY turn) Todd woke with a start to the sound of Irwin's exclamation and jumped into the tree at the sight of what was once Lizzie. "What ate Lizzie?" Irwin joined Todd in the tree, "Nothing ate her, that IS her. But I think we should stop talking so loudly. As long as the she-wolf-thing is alseep we should attempt to keep her/it that way." Todd nodded his head in agreement but never took his eyes off Lizzie. For the next several hours they stayed up in the tree, watching Lizzie and holding their breath. But something or someone else was coming, they listened to the footsteps get closer and closer. Lizzie's ears perked and she sat straight up to sniff the air around her, inhaling the aroma of the unknowing stranger growing nearer. As a pair of tall riding boots stepped into the clearing Lizzie bust into action, leaping in the direction of the movement. What happened next was all so fast that Irwin could not really keep up. All he knew was he saw a cat clawing and screaming for help into the tree. Lizzie had hold of one of the boots in her mouth, thrashing it furiously side to side. Irwin reached down and aided the animal onto the branch. Lizzie vainly attempted to climb the tree, foaming at the mouth and obviously having a bad hair day. Todd leaned down, to the loud objection of the other two, and tapped Lizzie on the nose. "No, no. Bad girl. Get down." To there absolute amazement, she did as told and began to revert back to the Lizzie they once knew. Within minutes she sat crying over the lock of lost hair, demanding to know who did this to her. "I just bought those boots too. Where am I going to find another pair like that ever again!" "I know that I am going to regret asking this," Irwin said shaking his head and looking down, "but who are you?" "My name is Puss." "That sounds kind of dirty. Why don't we call you Pete instead." "Fine." "EXCUSE ME! I asked who cut my hair. Which one of you did it?" Todd swollowed the hard lump in his throat, "Maybe you lost it in your fight with the cat." "What cat?" |
| "You really don't remember what happened do you?" Todd asked incredulously. "No, I don't!" she spoke harshly, lips poked out in a pout still thinking about her hair, noticing how soiled her clothes were from their jaunt in the forest. "I'd be soaking in a hot bubble bath and getting my hair braided if we were home." Irwin looked around, still a little shell shocked from Lizzie's performance and said, "I hear water, there should be a stream real close and maybe you can at least clean up a bit." Todd was staring deeper into the forest, catching a glimpse of Lizzie whenever he could manage it. "Lizzie, I've known who you were for a long time, way before Babula snatched us....have you always been able to morph into that hairy long haired wolfish thing? I never knew about that." he said looking at her nervously. The three of them, Irwin, Todd, and Lizzie started slowly towards where they heard water. The forest was lush and very dark. They really didn't know if it was day or night. The canopy of the forest was so thick, no sunshine got through. Lizzie let out a sigh, "Yes I've been able to do that for a long time...though I'd rather not be able to...I hope you're not going to tell everybody when we get back, if we get back." She looked over at Todd shyly, hoping he would just keep his mouth shut, knowing if she was mean, he'd surely tell everyone that would listen. Irwin hopped along beside the two of them and piped in, "Why does that happen to you Lizzie? It was like one second you were fine and then next I was looking at something that might eat me." he giggled, hoping his joke was just that, a joke. They were all quiet for a moment, listening to the nearby babbling brook, when they heard a loud noise not too far away.... |
| From their right a loud "Yeeaaarrraahhh" made them all shiver. Irwin stopped hopping, Todd stopped chewing and Lizzie tried not to bristle again. "What in the-" Lizzie started to say but was silenced by Todd's smelly hand over her mouth. Angry she cut her eyes over at him. He held a stubby Dorito-cheeze covered finger to his mouth to hush her then pointed to the clearing. A lion sat on the river bank licking his paw and crying. Lizzie's eyes grew round. It was a big cat. Grrr. Irwin padded closer through the bushes into the clearing. Just as he was about to get into the lion's line of vision, Puss/Pete ran past with something hanging out of his mouth. He mumbled something like 'leave this one to me' as he skidded to a stop in front of the lion. Standing on his hind legs, Pete pulled on the tail he had hanging from his mouth producing a small white mouse... |
| "Chew on this, it'll help get your mind off the pain," Pete said gently. The lion reluctantly took the white mouse in his mouth and chomped back and forth as if it were a pleasant piece of Hubba Bubba bubble gum. Pete held up the lion's immense paw, which was three times the size of Pete's own small head, and plucked out a three-inch thorn. Todd produced a packet of antibiotic and a rather large 'ouchless' band-aid from his magic jacket enabling Pete to finish up the first aid. The lion swallowed and grinned. The grin, of course, rather frightened Irwin and Todd who were struck by the lion's long sharp teeth. "Aslan, my friend!" Pete exclaimed. "What are you doing so far from the C.S. Lewis part of the woods?" "Oh, Puss, you know sometimes it's just nice to take a walk in a different direction. Thanks for getting that thing out. I didn't realize mesquite trees had such big thorns." "Actually," Lizzie hissed angrily, "I think that may very well be an acacia tree!" She had retrieved her ball from the campsite and was tossing it back and forth from hand to hand to avoid morphing into a werewolf. "Well, clearly it doesn't belong with all these pines," Aslan offered. "Oh, enough botany! Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps. I just wanna go home and have a six pac and watch some T.V.!" Irwin clenched his froggy lips togethr. He tried to give his companions a stern look, but being that he had no eyebrows it only made him appear as though he he were squinting very hard. Todd reached into his jacket and pulled out a bottle of root beer which he silently passed to Irwin. Then Todd smiled at the lion. "Say, I read about you in Prince Caspian. That was a good book. And weren't you in that other one about the witch and the wardrobe?" "Yes, I was! Did you enjoy those stories?" Todd noddly politely, the look of fear fading from his face. "Say, could you give me a ride on your back like you did those kids in that story?" Aslan limped slightly as he stepped closer to Todd. He pursed his black lips, his whiskers drooped a bit. "Hmm. I'm sorry to tell you this, but my back does have a..." The lion leaned closer to whisper: "Weight limit, if you know what I mean." "Right," Todd said sadly. "Well, it's nice to meet you anyhow. I'm Todd, this is Irwin, he's an enchanted prince and this is Lizzie, she's a bit of a wolf." "Oh, so nice to meet you all. I have a friend that lives near here. She's a freak for baked goods, brownies, pies, tarts, that sort of thing. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we popped in for a chat." Todd nodded, a wide grin pinching up his round cheeks. Irwin downed his A&W, belched rather rudely and said, "Fine." The group followed after Aslan, a most handsome and golden lion, that truly had no business in a dark and spooky forest, until they came to a large house made entirely of confections and baked goods. Todd could not help breakling off a piece of gingerbread to nibble on as Aslan knocked on the door with his immense paw. "Yoo-hoo, Betty? Are you home? It's me Aslan." The door opened suddenly, spilling bits of frosting and M&Ms onto the rock-candy porch. "Oh, Aslan! So nice of you to drop by!" exclaimed a tall, thin wisp of a girl with gossamer wings extending from her back. "I've just put a nice strawberry pie in the oven. I might be able to whip up a pot pie for you, if you like." She gazed at the others behind the lion and shook with delight. "Oh my, guests!" She thrust her long, thin hand out to shake each hand, paw and webbed foot. "I'm Betty, Betty Crocker. We can have a tea party!" The group filed in and sat in the den atop a bright pink sectional sofa. The television was on and tuned to a sumo-match. Betty hesitated too long in front of Todd. "What?" he said guiltily between bites of gingerbread. "Oh, you know, I have well, a thing for big men. You're rather cute, you know." Todd's face became beet red. "You like sumo wrestling?" he asked softly. "Oh yeeeees. Matsomoto Hirokai is my favorite. Just look at him..." She glanced at the screen. "Now that's a man." Suddenly embarrassed, Betty ran to the kitchen to put the tea kettle on. Meanwhile, Babula was at his bank discovering his vault was dry as a bone, save for a picture postcard of Jamaica. "I can't believe this!" Babula growled. He curled up all four of his fists and pounded on the rows of safe deposit boxes. The attendant gave him an angry stare. Babula growled at her as he left the vault and found an empty desk to use the phone. "Yeah," Babula said. "It's me. I know Herbie, I know. I figured you'd be gettin' tired of that gig in England. Say, why don't you fly on over to Southie and meet up with me. There's a couple of kids and a frog what's been givin' me trouble. It'd be just like the ol' days, Babula and The Black Dragon ride again..." |
| Back at the hospital, Babula had finally gotten Moe out. Moe did nothing but complain on their way out to the parking lot. "We have to go talk to Boe, and try to get the old gang all back together," Babula grunted, his chin whiskers bobbing up and down like they always did whenever a kidnapping went wrong. "Then we have to go to the Dark and Spooky Forest, catch up with those dang kids and kill that stupid spotten green froggy!" "Boe is gonna kill us for cuttin' out on him and takin' the van," Moe whined. "Nah, he won't. I have a plan. And you'll love it, Moe, cuz it's straight out of the Dukes of Hazard!" He whispered his secret plan into Moe's skinny, hairy left ear. They found a small white compact van with the words "Mystery Machine" in hippy colors stenciled on both of its sides in the hospital parking lot, hot-wired it, and took off for the enchanting but horrible forest. Meanwhile, Irwin was changing the channel over at the gingerbread manse of Betty Crocker. "What are you doing?" she cried, menacingly waving around a box of instant vanilla frosting. "I'm gonna watch me the Muppet Show. It's only a rerun, but it's on tonight after all. I have to catch it. I get dating tips about romancing beautiful blonde pigs from it, you see, and..." "PUT DOWN THAT REMOTE!" screamed Betty. All of a sudden, the air around them coalesced into a miasmic purple fog. It surrounded Betty, who was clearly changing form. She wasn't the Betty Crocker, baker of starchy goods, whom Aslan had known and befriended long ago. Instead, it was the witch who had changed Prince Irwin into a crusty old amphibian, while saying "I told you so!" "Hahaha!" she maniacally cackled. "And I'm also the one who cast the spell on Princess Lizzie by infecting her Indian golden ball with Lupus, so I control her wolven abilities. Now you shall all pay for your interference with my sumo-wrestling watching!" Waving her magic wand, she turned Lizzie, Aslan and Puss Pete into slavering, growling, hungry wolves. They began to advance toward Irwin and Todd, lickling their huge and drooling chops. Just then, there was an infernal screech of tires outside as Babula, Moe and Boe Seefus, and an unknown sexy blond but short piggy-looking woman all jumped out of the Mystery Machine. But unbeknownst to them, a large, dark brown, spotted Great Dane that had been sleeping in the back was thus awakened by the noise. "Raggy? Relma? Red? Raphne?" the dog whined loudly, fearfully opening the back doors of the van and furtively clambering out. "Rooby Doo!" he joyfully barked when he saw no aliens, swamp monsters, vampires or zombies anywhere in the vicintiy. But his joy was to be extremely short-lived. "Holy heck, what's all those sounds of growling and tearing flesh in there" muttered Babula under his breath as he began to jerk the candy-cane door of the confectionary house wide open. But as he pulled the doorknob, a giant candy cane fell on his head, knocking him completely unconscious. "There went Babula," groaned Moe. "Now I'll never get my Dukes of Hazard notebook back. And how're we ever gonna rescue Boss Hawg?" |
| In the house, Todd and Irwin stood with their backs against the wall in a bad attempt to get as far away from the wolfs as they could. The wolfs were growling and snapping at them, when all of sudden, their attention turned towards the open door. The wolf that was previously Pete the cat sniffed the air an let out an excited yelp. "I smell rooby racks!" he proclaimed, and all the wolfs ran outside and jumped into the mystery machine to eat the scooby snacks. As they began having a tuggle war with the box, they were all oblivious to the back doors being shut. "Scooby,dooby,doo!" proclaimed Scooby. Moe and Boe stood there speechless over the passing events while the pig woman got angry. "Dang-it! I was going to eat those scooby snacks!" She whined. The witch stepped outside and looked around at the two hick brothers, the sexy bovine, and the unconscious greek guy. "Who the heck are you people!?" she asked. Before anyone could answer, a group of nosey teenagers walked into the scene. "Zoinks! Its a creepy van-stealing witch!" proclaimed Shaggy. "Looks like we just have this mystery solved, gang." began Fred, "But first we have to catch the witch and unmask her!" As the two parties and the witch contemplated over what to do next, Irwin and Todd walked out of the house and sat down in some lawn chairs. "Wow, this is gonna be better than the one where Scooby Doo met the Harlem Globe-Trotters," proclaimed Todd. "I'd rather watch the muppets," replied Irwin. |
| The Sergeant quickly reached into his utility belt and pulled out a packet of Tic-Tacs. He had assumed that her breath would match that mug. "Look, Mrs. Diller, this is a need to know military type operation. S'far s'I c'n see, you aint military." "First of all, I am not some Phyllis Diller, she protested, "second of all, I am Princess Lizzie." "Hmph, mint?" he nonchalantly asked as his nose wrinkled up and eyes squinted. "How dare you, why, the nerve, I never!" She was furious! "That's why I'm offering?" The sergeant moved his head back slightly as Lizzie inched forward. "Look, you Syphon Filter wannabe, you are insulting an heir to the throne." Lizzie then rolled up her right sleeve to reveal a mysterious tattoo. "Hmph, Crazy Mikes Beer and Bikes, Love Always Bolo. Yeah interesting, ma'am, so you're a biker." The Sergeant's face wrinkled up to show his confusion. Lizzie began to blush. "Heh heh, um, wrong arm, silly me." She then rolled up her left sleeve. "It's a Royal Tattoo of the castle." He was all ears after seeing the tattoo. "Let me make sure. This could be a fake." He licked his thumb and began to rub the tattoo with it. "Just like I thought it's coming off. Guns to the readyyyy." He yelled. "Air support, air support, the wolf girl is here. I want an air strike now." Princess Lizzie distracted him enough to pull from under her shirt, the magic all purpose ball, and quickly set off its blinding light affect. Everyone instantly reached for their eyes. Lizzie pulled a welders face protector out of a side pocket of the ball, and quickly dawned it on. "Aaaaaaargh, I can't see, I can't see. It hurts, Aaaaaargh!! Various yelps, screams and howling could be heard as the soldiers and the Cartoon Network employees held their rib cages, and dropped to the ground in Captain Kirk like pain. |
| (no problem greg, i really was making a poor attempt to be amusing. so without further ado, on with the show! sort of) Irwin, Todd, Pete and Lizzie made a break for it and ran deeper into the forest. Quickly they found Aslan on their heels, "Sorry about all the mess, I had no intention of walking you into some twisted Scooby Doo mystery. Can I do anything to make it up to you guys?" "Actually, you might." Said Irwin, "We would really like out of these creepy woods. You see Todd and Lizzie here need to get back to their families and I haven't seen an episode of the muppets in what seems like weeks. Do you know of a way out of here?" They slowed their pace to a walk, not hearing the soldiers chasing them since they were blinded back there and all. Panting and out of breath the conversation stopped while Aslan took the lead. Within an hour or so they finally started to see a light in the distance. The first bright and direct light they had seen other than Lizzie's ball in several days. "There you have it guys, the exit to the woods." They thanked Aslan for all his help and stepped into the sunlight feeling as blinded as the soldiers. They all looked at one another, noticing for the first time how grimy and disgusting they were since they hadn't bathed or brushed their teeth in a while. But no one said anything because they knew that they looked just as bad. Up in the distance was Princess Lizzie's castle, which was also near Irwin's swampland home. The end was in sight and he couldn't have been happier. They talked amongst one another delightfully and without argument for several hours. Pete decided that he would go home with Todd. Lizzie would get to go home and have her ball so her dad wouldn't freak out. Realistically, Irwin himself almost didn't care about the kiss anymore. This had turned into an adventure beyond his wildest dreams and all he wanted to do was go home. Something had stuck in his mind though. "Lizzie, why did that soldier say that your tattoo of royal proof was rubbing off? Why would it do that?" She dropped her head to stare at the ground as they plodded along. "Well, you see, not everything about me is as it seems. My parents couldn't have any children. Something about my father having kids from a previous marriage and getting the ol' snip snip. So when one day a little girl was dropped on their door step with a note to take care of me my mother just decided to raise me as her own. Since I wasn't born of them; I couldn't get the royal markings so they just write on my arm with a sharpee from time to time so I can look like their kid. So I guess that I am not what I always tryed to make myself out to be. I am not a real princess." "Well, I didn't always used to be a fat kid..." Todd started as Lizzie looked up at him glassy eyed. Yet there was something in her gaze that Todd had never noticed before, something pleasent and possibly loving. |
| Todd, Pete, Irwin, and Aslan were quite shocked the precious princess Lizzie had admitted to not truly being a blood relative to the king. Todd, took a deep breath and started his story,"My parents had great dreams of what my future would be. I used to be mostly all muscle. I competed in many sports and strength contests, even a few junior boxing matches." he stopped looking around to see if they were paying attention to him. "Then last summer I met this beautiful girl named Jaden. She was a beautiful girl with the face of an angel. I can still see her when I close my eyes. We instantly hit it off and though it was all new to me, I believed I loved her." Irwin tapped his webbed foot, waiting for the interesting part to come into play while Lizzie tried to look uninterested as she played with Aslan's mane. "That summer was the best summer of my life. We spent almost everyday together. She went to all my competitions, and with her behind me, I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do." he sighed. "But trouble was just around the corner. Her father had a problem with hitting the bottle a little too hard. He lost his job working for Lizzie's father, drinking on the job and all, and he packed up the whole family and moved away in the middle of the night. We barely got to say goodbye. She ran to my house while her parents were packing up a few things but my heart broke that day. Jaden promised to stay in touch somehow, but months went by with no word." he spoke softly. "So how does that lead to you turning into the fat kid Todd?" Lizzie asked rudely as Todd blushed. "Well I started losing matches left and right. Even the teams I played with started losing, I just couldn't play. I couldn't box, I couldn't do anything but think of Jaden, and hate her father for taking her away from me. I started just sitting around the house, eating sweets and lots of goodies to soothe my stinging heart...and six months later, you have Todd...the fat kid..." he said glumly face clouded with shame. Aslan looked up from his paws and said, "That's nothing you won't believe the story I can tell you. I'm king of the whole forest and believe me, that title comes with it's benefits." he said smiling slyly. |
| "Oh Aslan, they're just kids, you can't tell them about that kind of stuff." Aslan grimaced. "Oh, I guess you're right, Puss." Todd whose big ol' heart was aching for true love invited them all back to his house for a sleepover. They all agreed and followed him into the ranch style home where he lived. Inside, Todd's father was passed out on the couch with a long twisted wand in his hand. He was a tall man, so tall that his ankles hung off the armrest as well as his head from the opposite armrest. He was snoring softly. Puss took off his boots, stretched his legs and jumped up onto Todd's dad's chest to curl up for a cat nap. "Hey Tod," Irwin called croakily. "Yeah?" "What's that get-up your father's wearing?" Lizzie stared down at the purple velvet robe the tall man had on. It glistened with shimmery metallic stars and moons throughout. "Oh, Dad's a sorcerer. He works for the Famous Amos Cookie company full-time, then in the evenings he likes to go out on his antique broomstick and do magic tricks at night clubs." Todd touched the jacket he had on. "He made me this magic jacket." "Where's the shower Todd?" Lizzie asked forcefully. "I gotta freshen up." While Lizzie was in the shower, Todd studied her magic ball which was sitting on the coffeetable. Irwin was nose to screen with the TV and sipping at a Heineken he had purloined from the fridge. Aslan was curled up in a big golden ball by the fireplace. Todd picked up the ball and traced the ancient sandskrit writing and hieroglyphics that adorned its surface. Locating the correct slot, he activated the crystal ball mechanism. The ball began to glow softly and then, like a television, a picture was visible within the orb. Lizzie came out of the bathroom, her hair wet and tightly curled. She sauntered over to Todd angrily. "What are doing to my ball?" The face of Betty appeared in the ball. Her beady eyes shone bright red. Her green skin was mottled with warts. Todd could just make out a soldier behind her. "I'll get you my pretty and your little frog too!" Betty howled. Then, her anger faded as she saw Todd's face. "Oh, Todd, you gotta help me! Get me out of here. These men, they're animals. They're going to take me back to the research lab in Sacramento. They want my recipes Todd, my secret recipes! Help ME!" "Betty, we've only just met, I don't really know you that well," Todd said lowly in his Patrick the starfish voice. "No, you don't remember me do you? You can't see through what they've done to me, can you? You used to like me Todd!" her voice become more shrill as the gaurds tightened the handcuffs and pulled her toward the paddywagon. "Todd! Nooooo! Todd, remember the Westminster Weightlifting Festival in Spring, the floooowers, my brownies!!!!!" The light on the ball winked out and Todd began to cry. It was a horrible, wet sobbing sound. Lizzie went to sit by Irwin. She couldn't abide girlie-men that cried. She was a little insensitive. She shushed Todd when he cried out: "My sweet Jaden what have they done to you?" "Todd, go take a shower, you stink!" she ordered. Todd walked sulkily out of the room. Lizzie took a swig from Irwin's bottle and they were really getting into the song "Rainbow Connection" when suddenly a newsflash interupted their karaoke moment. "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! This just in, folks, firefighters are warning campers to stay away from the Dark and Spooky Forest as it has been set ablaze...Now we go live to James Grijalva in the helicam. James what seems to have caused the blaze?" "Great, just effin GREAT!" Todd screamed. Over the rhythmic drumming of the helicopter blades James' voice sounded too high-pitched and very un-newsmanlike. "Guy, we've just spotted the cause!" The camera panned from James' pale frightened face to an object far in the distant sky which was growing closer at at lightning speed. The camera zoomed in and Lizzie said, " Good Lord, it's a dragon!" The enormous black dragon, as though he sensed the camera's angle, smiled widely revealing his freshly whitened teeth. He came closer and James' shaky voice announced. "It seems there's someone riding on it's back...it looks like a four armed man of Greek ancestry! Could it be?" That was the last thing James said before the flames from the dragon's mouth engulfed the camera and the television screen went blank. For a brief moment there was that odd rainbow-like horizontal line thingey there which entranced Irwin, who really got into rainbows. Then the screen clicked and Guy Atchley was standing behind a makeshift podium. "Well folks, we seem to have lost contact with James. However, our BBC America sources have just informed me that the dragon is the one and only Herbie the Dread Black Dragon of Wales. And riding on his back is none other than Babula Petropolinaki from the island of Mikonos, wanted for stealing children all over the world." A very fat finger then pressed the button and the T.V. shut off. Lizzie turned to find Irwin half-dressed behind her. "What the heck are you wearing!" she screamed. Irwin turned and began to laugh hysterically. Aslan woke and looked drowsily at the scene. Puss didn't stir as he slept on Mr.Wilson's warm chest. "It's an authentic sumo outfit, do you like it?" Todd asked with a very wide grin. Lizzie stood up abruptly, thereby knocking over Irwin's beer. "It looks like a big, old diaper!" "Yeah, I can't wait to see Jaden's face when she sees me in it. You know, I should have known it was her, soon as I tasted that gingerbread house. She always wanted to live in a gingerbread house, ever since she read that story about Hansel and Gretel." |
| "You know," Irwin suddenly mused aloud. "I'd sure like to date that Jaden chick myself. Maybe frogs turn her on, and that's why she left bilious boy, there. What if she kissed me? "I could use a more mature woman in my life, anyway," Irwin continued, as Lizzie hate-stared at him like a white southern sheriff, maybe not unlike Boss Hawg. Come to think of it, that's exactly who Todd's dad looked like. Except for the long purple robe. You know Boss Hawg; he only wears a complete vanilla ice cream suit. The insensitive frog (you also know amphibians are all cold-blooded, and can only cool off by drinking a decent local or imported brewski) heartlessly rambled on further. "She sounds like a really sweet deal to me..." "Well, you can HAVE your old Jaden, Liver Lips. You sure won't be getting any kisses from ME in the immediate future!" stormed Princess-cum-Commoner Lizzie as she stalked noisily out of the room, taking the TV remote with her. "Hmmmph," said Irwin, flatly. He hadn't been figuring on a kiss from her anyway. She was only a child, and had turned out to not be true royalty, either. Except for maybe being a royal pain in the...you know. "Well, I'm gonna go practice my kada for sumo, now." Todd reentered the room with a dripping towel wrapped tightly around his bulging childish waist. "Hey, what the heck are you doing?" Irwin was contorting his small, green, spotted froggy body into the most absurd poses imaginable. "My kada, for the most sacred practice of sumo wrestling." Todd laughed. "You're way too small for sumo wrestling. Heck, I could pick you up with two fingers and throw you out the window." "YEAH? You just try it and see, boy!" yelled Irwin, launching himself at the portly kid, who turned out to be quite a physical coward. He screamed, ran and ducked under the very large and sprawling couch, grabbing his magic jacket on the way. "Ha, gotcha!" Irwin triumphantly cried. "My first major victory! Now I'm ready to seek out this Jaden girl. If she turns out to be royalty, that would be the flies on the lilypad (this is Froglish for icing on the cake.)" "No you don't," said a calm voice from the couch, as Todd's father, the sorcerer, stood up. "I have a surprise for you, frog." "Now what," sighed Irwin, expecting the worst. "What more, though, could possibly happen to me?" "I am going to change you into the strangest, weirdest, most unspeakably peculiar creature on the face of the planet. You know what male pond frogs do when there are no females around? They change sex..." "NO, NO, NOOOO..." screamed Irwin as the purple-robed sorcerer tilted his twisted magic wand at his tiny green head... ...meanwhile, Herbie and Babula had finally landed back there in the Dark and Spooky Forest. They spent hours searching for the kids and their companions, but were getting nowhere fast. All they'd found was what was left of some green old witch, who looked like she'd been quick-fried to a crackily crunch, and not baked to a delicate crunch. That's Cheetos, the cheese that goes crunch (we had to throw a commercial somewhere in here. We're running out of finances to fund this Campfire Creative. It may have to end very soon here. And what exactly is going to happen?) Another meanwhile..Aslan had decided to tell his wonderful, involving story to Todd and Irwin. But Irwin was already gone, having left to go find this girl Jaden, or something. He'd also left his sumo robes behind, and there was a peculiar smell floating in the air, something like a fine ladies' perfume...for frogs. There was just a trace of formaldehyde to it. Lizzie was sulking to herself somewhere in the back, and finished completely rubbing off her phony royal tatoo. She was crying, but in her head, she was hatching a very complicated plan. For she happened to be good friends with the people behind the Muppet Show... "You know how I'm King of the Forest?" Aslan smilingly asked Todd, who grimaced. His dad had again fallen back onto the couch, drunker than a brace of skunks, apparently. "Yeah, yeah, I know. So what?" barked Todd, who was still heart-broken over losing Jaden, his boxing career, and now the rest of his friends, who were all gone. Some sleepover! "You wanna know how I became the King of the Forest?" said Aslan. A strangely female tone had crept into his voice, as its pitch was constantly increasing. He began to sound errily like Katherine Hepburn. "Did you ever read 'Ozma of Oz' by L. Frank Baum? It was one of the Wizard of Oz series of children's books. And in it, there was a boy character named Tip who turned into a beautiful queen named Ozma..." drawled the big old lion. "Really? Wow. Scuse me, I gotta go devour the fridge. Why dontcha turn on the TV, and tell your wonderful life story to it?" spat Todd, sulking off into the kitchen for at least some chicken breasts. "Yes, indeed," droned Aslan, idly flipping the TV back on. "For you see, my life story is very similar to that of Tip, and Ozma of Oz. I've never told anyone this before, but as a matter of fact, it's high time that I came out of the closet. "Todd, hold on to your hat, or maybe your magic jacket," droned Aslan, with Todd nowhere in sight and the TV blaring away about how a black dragon and a four-armed Greek guy were committing crimes against families all over the city. "It's unnatural!" screamed James Grijalva, who was now the TV announcer. "Somebody, call in Harry Potter and the mightiest wizard in all of Hogwarts!" "Sorry, I'm dead," pulsed the voice of an old, white-bearded wizard from right next to the announcer. "This story is too long for any more characters anyway," he mumbled, disppearing as the announcer gasped. "And I've gotta go eat some vomit-flavored jellybeans now." Cut back to the living room, which was getting to be pretty empty of people, and the coming out process of a giant kitty cat. Which was being done to no one there, not even the chair. "It just so happens that I myself, Aslan, King of the Forest, ruler of Narnia since time immemorial, secretly the snuck-in manufactured God of all Christian Creation and obscenely great lover of men who dress up in sparkling green mermaid suits, am...am..." |
| "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I am. This'll impress fats. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh." He laughed. He then lit his corn-husk tobacco smoke pipe. Against all scientific logic, a tug boats toot came from the pipe as Aslan blew into it. Tooot, toooooooot!! "Well, blow me down!" Todds magic trench coat had powers that even he hadn't known about. It has the power to shape shift lions and bring on their rivals, but only if they were in its proximity. What are the chances of that crap happening? KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!! "Aslan, can ya get the door?" Todd yelled from the kitchen, as he continued his search and rescue mission of fine cuisine, high in proteins. "Mumble, mumble, get the door,jibberish, mumble, mumble, himself. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh." An outside shot of the front door revealed a close up view of the very wide neck of an old rival of Aslan's. Aslan cracked the door open to peek at the unannounced visitor. "Well, blow me down, if it isn'tsk Bluto." Aslan quipped. "Long time no wanna see, uh?" "Like wise I'm sure." The eyes of the bulky, hairy faced fellow showed his discontent with Aslan not opening the door sooner than he had. "Nice suitsk yas wearing there. Where'd ya get itsk? An Old Navy close out salesk? "Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh." Aslan humored. "Toot, toooot!" A truck full of Playboy Bunnies showed up to manicure the lawn, paint the house, feed the dog, sweep the chimney, and restore the engine of the car that was parked in the driveway. The lead Bunny approached the two agitated men and asked, "Is there anything else we can do for you men...hmmmmm?" They seemed to ponder the question a bit. Aslan raised his finger, then brought it back down. Bluto opened his mouth as if to speak...but then closed it back. Both men rubbed their chins as if searching for more work to throw on the sexily dressed Playmates. Just then, the woman of both men's hearts desires, strutted past as slow, sexy, saxophone music could be heard. Both men looked up, to the side, took their sailor's hats off, scratched their heads, then shrugged their shoulders at the same time. The music part had confused them. She was the boniest thing you could ever have seen. Both men began to holler n' hoot as their eyes bulged out of socket. They were love stuck! "Oh, oh." Todd began to furiously search the cabinets for a can of spinach. |
| "Oh, here it is! It was under the couch all along." She reached for it and the minute her fingertips connected to the ball it began glowing again and without a word Irwin and Todd were returned to their former selves (frog and fat kid, not prince and jock). "Wow, what just came over me?" Todd said grabbing his head as if it hurt, "I just day dreamed that I was a starfish and lost nearly all of my brain cells! My head hurts, I think I am going to go lie down..." Irwin just looked at Princess Lizzy, vainly attempting to remember what happened a moment ago because the last memory he had was Lizzy bending down to kiss him and feeling a tap on his rump. But that obviously didn't happen because here he stood still a frog and Lizzy was sitting on the couch next to Todd fanning him as he was having a cold sweat from his hallucination. So he turned around and went to the kitchen. If Todd's father was a wizard he would some of Irwin's favorite treats for his spells: fly wings. After a pleasent snack he returned to the living room. "Well," Irwin said with a sigh of defeat, "Todd has been returned to his rightful and proper place, I guess the next thing to do is get you home Lizzy. I feel like I have missed an entire season of the Muppets by now. OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?" Irwin dropped the last wing that was pressed between his lips as his jaw physically hit the ground in front of him. Lizzy was bent over Todd with his arms around her. They were making out! "This really sucks, you know that! I am the only one in this darn story that should be getting any play and I seem to instead be the only one who doesn't get any." (though as he said it he felt strangly like he might be lying but he couldn't remember why) The two looked up, busted and blushing. As Irwin hopped toward the door Lizzy scribbled her phone number on Todd's arm. "Irwin wait up! I am coming!" She grabbed up her golden ball and darted out the door to catch up to Irwin. Todd went to the door to watch his new girl fade into the distance. He shut the door and headed for the fridge with a smile on his face, just as unknowing as Lizzy and Irwin of the pair of eyes that watched from the roof of Todd's house. "I will get you my pretty and your little frog too," Babula laughed to himself. |
| Though the story has taken wild twists and turns, Betty Crocker has been watching and waiting through it all. She watched as characters were eliminated and drama ensued until she had the perfect opportunity. She worked and worked in her kitchen mixing, baking, adding the most important magical sparkling ingredients that would surely change the path this story was on. She looked at the platter of goodies she made, colored sugar sprinkled all over double whipped frosting and melt in your mouth cake...It was almost to delectable to part with, though she'd worked too hard and waited too long for this chance. That being said, she picked up a small blue glass bottle. She removed the cork and turned it up until the last few tingly drops fell from the bottle. She waited anxiously to feel something. With in minutes she was transformed from Betty Crocker into a beautiful vixen, stunning really. She couldn't help but giggle at the results. No one could refuse her now. She let her mind wander to that good looking crew of knights she saw every now and then when they rode their horses through the forests. They were so strong and.....Blushing and forcing herself to focus, she put ruby red gloss on her lips, changed into a dress that hugged all her curves and packed up all her goodies knowing the little chubby kid would lead her to her destiny. Todd would do anything for her treats, and he would give her access to everything she needed to bring her plan to being. She set off on horseback to catch up with the frog, the princess and her chubby friend with a smile on her face and a wicked laugh spilling out of her mouth. |
| Two hours later, Todd was still in the kitchen when he heard a knock at the front door. “Jaden!” Todd cried around a mouthful of instant potatoes. His brain barely functioned because he’d been expecting Lizzie to come back for the Dukes of Hazard notebook that’d fallen out of the golden ball as she’d run from the door earlier. “Hello, Todd,” Betty said, rubbing a hand down the side of her red dress and extending the platter. “For me?” He rubbed his distended stomach. She nodded, a smile tightening her red lips across white teeth. Todd noticed her hair looked a little messed up. “Where’re you coming from?” “I rode my horse over,” she said, looking to the side and shifting the heavy goodie plate from one hand to the other. “When’d you get a horse?” He looked over her shoulder at the animal. It was lathered. “Geez, Jaden. You really wanted to get over here fast, huh?” A light of hope flared in his chest. “Look, can I come in?” Todd backed up and Betty entered, pushing the platter into his hands. As he took it he noticed Lizzie’s phone number on his bare arm. |
| Todd licked his fingers and wiped the phone number away happy and excited that his own Betty/Jaden/true love had finally been returned to him. He tossed her platter aside and, already warmed up from his spit-swapping encounter with Lizzie, snatched up Betty/Jaden and locked lips with her even though her face was all green and warty. Just as in all fairy tales, something magical happened when the two kissed. Todd suddenly lost 200 pounds and was restored to his former handsome self. Betty/Jaden's warts and green skin melted off into a pool of muck on the saltillo tiled floor and she too was just as lovely as the 1950's rendition of the Betty Crocker we know and love on the cake mix boxes. Todd was so excited that he picked Betty/Jaden up and carried her upstairs whilst still planting wet kisses on her face. The two lived happily ever after. (Bring them back and I'll make Babula's dragon, Herbie, eat them!) *************************** Todd's dad suddenly woke from his evening nap (there were some strange noises coming from his son's room). Mr. Wilson got up, rubbed his eyes and spied a plate of goodies by the door. Also, there was a curious Duke's of Hazard notebook next to the plate. Mr. Wilson picked up both items and devoured the tasty goodies, thinking curuiously, that he had tasted such snacks once before. He opened the notebook and stepped onto the porch. His body folded in on itself and suddenly he had taken on the form of Betty/Jaden's favorite sumo wrestler, Matsomoto Hirokai. The sudden weight gain tore through Mr. Wilson's wizard dress and really just pissed him off. "Darn kids!" he swore and looked up just in time to see a great black dragon fly down from the roof and hover before him. "My notebook!" cried Moe. "Get it, Herbie!" The dragon snatched the notebook from Matsomoto's chunky hand and laughed evily. (like this: HEH HEH HEH HISSSSSS HEH HEH HEH) Then Herbie burped (he'd had a big ol' chile Burrito for lunch) and a line of flames shot out of the dragon's mouth accidentally. Matsomot/Mr. Wilson's diaper caught on fire as well as the rumpled, torn, wizard dress that lay at his feet. "Oh Bloody Hell!" said Herbie. "I didn't mean to do that." Mr. Wilson started cussing then, such was his anger: "$%(*%$& ^**G&^%(&^$R %&*TG&(^%*$ %^*&%&^" This infuriated Babula who, by the way, was in the child abducting business and didn't think young impressionable children should be raised by people that swore. "Melaka!" said Babula in Greek. "Eat him Herbie!" Herbie grinned having been given the go ahead to munch on the already roasting wizard. He wasted no time, knelt a bit more then gobbled Mr. Wislon up. "Now," cried Babula from atop the dragon, "after the girl!" Herbie rose up into the air and flew over I-10 gazing down with his 'super-dragon night vision eyesight' for the warm body of Lizzie and semi-warm body of Irwin the unfortunate hermaphrodite frog (least I think that's what Mr. Wilson did to him). ****************************** Lizzie and Irwin however had hot-wired a 1970's yellow Corvette Stingray from a neighbor's garage and were speeding toward Vegas at that very moment. "Wow, Lizzie," Irwin began, "you're an excellent driver. Have you ever considered racing as a career?" "You like fast cars and fast women?" Lizzie said with a smirk on her face. Suddenly, Irwin wasn't so sure what sex he preferred. He gazed down at his now strangely formed parts (between his froggy legs) and said: "Oh my! Would you look at that! I've just about got it all!" Lizzie was a fast driver and soon enough they were zipping down the main strip of Vegas. Lights glittered all around them. Irwin had never been to Sin City before and he was dazzled. Lizzie was rather worldly for a young girl and had been to Vegas many times. She often dressed in drag and flashed a fake I.D. that said her name was Leonard Rami. She liked to put on a false moustache and wear zoot suits as well. The casino head honchos favored her/ him and so, she headed for the Gambini Estate, where her close friend Vito Gambini, the Casino Tycoon lived. She parked the 'Vette in the winding driveway and snatched up Irwin and her golden ball. From within the ball, she produced her drag clothes and 'stache, dressing so quickly that by the time the guard came down to meet them she appeared to be Leonard Rami. "Leo!" the guard called. "Oh, Mr. Gambini will be happy to see you. Will it be BlackJack or Texas Hold 'Em for you tonight?" Leonard/Lizzie smiled and slapped the guard's hand. "I'm in the mood for a show, Richie. How 'bout rounding up some of those girls with the feathers?" "Sure thing, Leo, I'll go and tell Vito you're here, get it all set up for you guys!" |
| OK-- Princess Lizzie, Prince Irwin the hermaphroditic frog, Todd Wilson, Todd's dad the wizard, Babula the Greek kidnapper, Moe and Boe, Pete the puss, Aslan the lion, Betty Crocker, Herbie the Dragon, Miss Piggie and the Muppets, Scooby and the Gang, the news people, the Sergeant and his troops, Mr. Booboo, Onus, God, St. Peter, Jaden, Popeye, Bluto, the Playboy Bunnies, Lucifer, thousands of extra smelly characters, Sponge Bob and Patrick, the golden ball, the Dukes of Hazzard notebook, Vito Gambini, Leonard/Lizzie, and a ton of fast used vehicles all stood in a line, holding hands like in that old corny Pepsi commercial, and began loudly and wretchedly singing: "This is the song that never ends, Yes, it goes on and on, my friends. We began it thinking that someday there'd be repose, but it will never end as it is longer than your nose, This is the song that never ends, Yes, it goes on and on, my friends..." And so it went. |
| "Go, go, go! Get in position you grunts! A day o' reckonin' is at hannnd!" Bursting out of windows of the MGM Grand hotel and sliding down its sides, attached to safety harnesses, were those Commandos from Betty Crocker's house. "Alphaaaa!!" "Alpha team, check!" "Bravoooo!" "Bravo team, check!" "Charlieeee!" "Charlie team, check!" The Commando leader continued calling out his teams until... "Zuluuuuuuu!...I repeat, Zuluuuuuuu! Zulu, come in! Zulu? By the time he had gotten to the last team, every casino was filled with subordinate Commandos working One Armed Bandits and hittin' it big at the Black Jack tables. A very muscular, African American gentleman at a crowded poker table yelled out with a high pitched speech impediment, "This iss ludacriss, I fold!" The Charlie team commando sitting across from him, smiled as he puffed on a big stogey. "Niiiice doin' bidness witcha, Mr. Tyson. Very niiice. Do comeback, ya hear? He then reached over the table for multi-colored chips and shuffled them into a pile in front of him. "Mmmmmmmmmm...da smell...of rich man's folley." |
| Lizzy looked down at her little hermaphroditic companion and laughed, "That is a good thing. Because I certainly wasn't ever going to kiss you. But if you broke the spell, why are you still a frog?" "It is cheaper to live this way. I have been a frog so long it feels weird to be human again. Plus, no steak can compare to a fresh fly." Lizzy shrugged, "How does my hair look? I am due on stage any minute." He nodded and watched as she sauntered toward the entrance at stage right. A male, way too happy voice came over the loud speaker announcing the newest darling to reach the Vegas strip, Princess Lizzy and the Drag Kings. As he hopped back to his hotel room he thought back on the adventure that he seemed to be turning the final chapter on. "I guess that everything is right afterall," Irwina (in the process of talking to himself he turned into the female Irwin now affectionately named Irwina) "Todd regained his former livelihood and his lovely Betty, Lizzy became the princess of her dreams in the one city that always give neon hope to the masses and I have broken the spell of my deformity. I would say that everyone seems to be living happily ever after." "Damn this hotel...What kind of crappy city is this that doesn't play re-runs of The Muppet Show on cable TV? I'm getting out of here." |
| (Gee y'all I think we've taken that frog far enough don't you say?) I want to thank all you crazy people that added and here's a nice big: THE END! The End! |
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