Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. - 1

Dear Mr. Dcabino,

My good man, to what reason do you attribute your unacceptable speech. You talk as if you were a hillbilly or a redneck. And as for your son, Loretta, I think it is a shame and abusive to use such a nome de plume on that fine young man, I'm sure. Why, I should take you rite down ther to thu sharif's offic and let 'im throw you in the hoosegowl. That boy o' yurs, he need tu hav a good boy name like Ralph or Hired or sumpin lack at.

An anuther thang is what you done done to that bird. A dyin shame. At's right a dyin sham and you a growed up man. If at boy o' yours, Sally, done it, hit'd be different cause he don't know no better. Do rite by that bird and make some gumbo or chicken and dumplins.

Now, you raise anuther thang a talking about whupping butt. You start making them threats against myself and I'll be forced tu call in my crack legal team, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Jimbo. You talk about big ole boys, they's got beer bellys bigger than you. They kin skin yuh, then take yuh to court and sue yuh for yur hide. Beats enythang I ever seed.

However, my good man, we do not wish to engage in fisticuffs and the like, but are overjoyed that you, one of our most favoritest customers has come back to do business with us again. And the management has authorized me to offer you a case of Christmas Gift Packs at unheard of low price. Just order and enclose the regular price, and we be happy to refund the difference.

Happy Christmas, and I remain
Whinningly yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner