Writing.Com General Discussion

I took a quick gander at it this morning, this isn't a review or full and considered feedback.

First, a question. What is the impression you want me (the reader) to have of the main character?

I have an impression from the first paragraph, but I want to contrast it to what you intended.

Next up, that first paragraph. It's too long. If you ever heard of "Wall of Text" or seen somebody post TLDR (Too Long, DIdn't Read), that's what happens when you have a huge block of text with no paragraph breaks.

I had serious difficulty reading it simply because on my laptop, at full screen, the lines were long, with no break and I kept losing my place. I had to shrink the browser window and use the mouse pointer to keep my place.

Take a good look at the text, stand back from it and look at the shape (heck compared to my wordy posts here). Notice where the masses of text are there, compared to here, how they are broken up.

This will make it easier to read, when you create new paragraphs. Not randomly, but where one thought ends, and you shift to the next (from talking about the cold, to how her family feels, to Najeem).

I have more to say on that first part, Up until she goes to talk to Mamma about her dress selection, but I want to know your answer first, and it'd be easier to dissect your beginning when it's split up.