Writing.Com General Discussion

First lesson is whatever you say you don't think you can do, can be done.

It's very repetitive on the points, that's part of why folks think it could be shorter. Highlight every time you talk about it being Gwen's christmas. Get that down to one time. Get it down to one time where he says he'll fight.

For example:

"Zane, if you try to take my money, I'll fight you with everything I've got. Because this isn't just money, it's for presents. Without it, there's nothing to open on Christmas morning. But you have a choice, Zane. You can beat me up and take my money or let me go and help me give Gwen a Christmas to remember. "

I'm assuming Gwen is important to both characters. You can see how I trimmed out her name, and Christmas. I took out the fighting line since it is implied and shifted the choice offering by rephrasing his last statement. You were on a good track with the first half, it's the second half that didn't add as much (other than presenting the be a hero or villain option which is why I nabbed it).

It could be fine tuned, but don't you ever say can't be done. Cuz I done it. And so can you.