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Discuss all things relating to writing and genre. |
I love the increasingly ominous build-up to finding the orb and the orb itself. It beautifully demonstrates the maxim, be careful what you wish for!  The scene successfully hits points 3.The descriptions set the scene quite well making it easy to visualise the setting, however due to author filtering, telling and passive writing they fall a bit short of point 2. However, the scene is missing a hostile bartender/innkeeper and doesn't hit point 1. There is a lot of author filtering and telling along with some passive writing. Altogether the prose needs tightening up too. Getting a good writing technique takes thought and practice. Here are my line comments and suggested edits: The moon was bright and the stars were shining brilliantly in the rural area where there were no other buildings for miles along the longs interstate. Sage brush, cacti, Joshua trees and other wild landscape vegetation stretched for miles in all directions. Beware of using conjugations of the to be verb (is, was, were, etc) These are indicators of passive writing. Always try to keep the narrative active and where possible, connect descriptions to the protagonist by a beat of action, emotion, or thought. My suggestion - He'd not been this far into the desert before. The moon and stars, so much more brilliant than in town, gave the sagebrush, cacti and Joshua trees shadows. The man had a tight knot in his stomach as he looked at the mark on his map. He wiped sweat off in the heat of the night. “I hope that Dr. White is correct. This source is my last possible lead,” he thought. Putting "The man" at the start of this sentence threw me off. If it's Dr. Steller, put Dr Steller. Also, the words looked and thought here are author filters. When you are writing in close third person, the story is being conveyed by the character so all thoughts happen organically and are an extension of the narrative. If you want to differentiate the character's thoughts then the convention is to use italics not quote marks. My suggestion - Dr. Steller unfolded his map. This was the place. His stomach tightened into a knot and he wiped the sweat from his brow. He'd no other leads so Dr. White'd better be correct. He walked through the double doors and peered around. The lobby was quite relaxing. A small fountain was in the middle of a room with polished stonework with diamond shaped designs. Again, in the first sentence here, the word peered is a filter. The second sentence is pure telling and the third sentence is passive. Diamond-shaped should have a hyphen. My suggestion - He walked through the double doors into the lobby where a small fountain, made from polished diamond-shaped stonework, stood in the centre. The splashing water and the cooler air eased the tension in his stomach. The man at the desk went around and went to a door a few yards away. The man went around what? Also, there are two uses of the word went in this sentence. “Step inside if you would,” he said as Steller followed him in. Here the word as is both an unnecessary filler word and makes the sentence ungrammatical. As should be a period and Steller followed him in should be a new sentence. The most interesting thing in the room was the antique pieces like old knives, war lances, knight helmets, old paintings and on and on. Without a doubt, he was at the right place. This was where he would get the information he needed. Due to his interests, Dr.Steller would notice the antiques in the room, but there is author filtering going on again. My suggestion - Antique knives, war lances, knight's helmets displayed in cases and old paintings hung on the walls; yes, this must be the right place to get the information he needed. “Please sit down,” said Trent as he and Don sat on dark wooden chairs. Again here, the word as is causing a run-on sentence and should be replaced by a period. Trent tilted his head and smiled coyly as he folded his hands then crossed his legs. Some writers pepper their narrative with unnecessary filler words like that, some with then and some with as. You've managed to get all three into the one sentence! To write a sequence of actions just list them and use plain old and the end. My suggestion - Trent tilted his head, gave a coy smile, folded his hands and crossed his legs. “What you ask is more significant than you know.” The man rose an began pacing. He looked down and frowned hardly (?) as if he was contemplating a dire matter. Who is the man here? Again, if it's Dr Steller say so. Looked is author filtering as is the phrase, as if he was contemplating a dire matter and I have no idea what the word hardly is doing in the sentence. The word began is an unnecessary filler as readers can infer the start of action without it being stated. My suggestion - Dr Steller rose with a deep frown and paced the room. Then there was a knock on the door and there was a woman’s voice came through. Then is filler and the sentence is passive. Don't be afraid of using partial sentences. This is creative writing so you are allowed. My suggestion - A knock on the door and a woman asked “Sir. Is everything alright?”. Dr. Stellar said as he rolled his eyes. You really do need to break your addiction to the word as. My suggestion - Dr. Steller said rolling his eyes. Trent walked silently to the single painting in his room. He grabbed by the frame ad it swung open like a door. Try to avoid using -ly adverbs. They weaken the prose. Try - In silence, Trent walked over to the sole painting in the room. He grabbed the frame and it swung open like a door. With that, Trent dropped the gen in Steller’s hands. Typo - gem Suddenly the room began to spin and a chilling, darkness came over him. It was so dark, it literally felt like it reached his very soul. You don't need the word suddenly. Readers can infer the suddenness of the spinning. The phrase it literally felt like hurts me to my soul  It is author filtering at its worst, Dude. My suggestion - The room spun and chill darkness crept into him; a dark so deep it reached his soul. Enjoy them! Ha, ha, ha!” the orb taunted. Please avoid using words other than said or asked with dialogue tags. They add nothing. The orb's taunting can be inferred from the speech. Keep writing and have fun!  ** Image ID #1802526 Unavailable ** |
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