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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I'm a sucker for romance, authors, and SciFi, so of course I liked this.

                                                             
Style and Voice
These chapters use an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

What seems to be happening is that the POV wobbles between Kerry and Ian within the same scene. We learn what one is thinking and sensing and then, a couple of paragraphs later, we're in the other one's head, learning what they are thinking and sensing. My main suggestion for these chapters deals with POV. For each scene, pick one character to provide the POV and stick with it. What's on the page is what that character thinks, senses, knows, and feels. For all the other characters, readers--and the POV character--must infer those things from their words and deeds.

As an example, at one point you tell us that Ian's coffee is lukewarm. We're in a scene that started in Kerry's POV, so she can't know the temperature of his coffee. However, he could take a sip and make a face, from readers could infer it's cold. You could even have Kerry make that inference, but it needs to be an inference rather than a statement of fact. There''s a technique called "free direct discourse" for doing this; see "Really Just One Point of View"  for more details.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Each scene should establish the point of view and then draw the reader into the fictional world. In a romance novel, it's common for the POV to swap in each chapter, but this certainly isn't a rule. Some novels stay with one of the romantic leads, some swap POV on a less regular scale. But once you've picked a POV for that scene, stick with it.

The opening paragraph to the novel does set up Kerry as the POV character. However, there's quite a bit background information in the form of telling that sets up where she's at and what she's doing. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for readers to reveal this information through the words and deeds of the characters rather than through narration, so you might consider moving the clock back a bit and start with her arrival at the hotel and registering for the Symposium. You might even have Queen Uppity-Nose show up and make a snotty comment or two gushing about Ian. THe idea is to create an opening scene that puts your characters in motion and reveals the essential information, including Kerry's immediate goal of meeting Ian.

                                                             
Plot
So, Kerry is in hopelessly in love with Ian, but he appears to be happily married and so she knows her feelings will be unrequited. Ian, on the other hand, has a secret he's "not ready" to share with Kerry. He claims all is well at home, but on the other hand he's had a rep as a lothario, so who knows? Overall, I liked the tension this sets up and thought this was a great start for your novel.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Chapter one needs a better hook. What is Kerry thinking as she goes upstairs? Has she sensed something amiss with Ian? That would be a dilemma or maybe a decision to get to the bottom of it.

On the other hand, we partly hopped into the Ian's head in this chapter, so maybe it ends with his reaction, or his resolve to have the difficult conversation with Kerry, or something else.

In any case, the hook should come from unresolved issues in their relationship.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging.

                                                             
Characters
I like Kerry. Ian, not so much. Oh, and of course I loathe the Queen Uppity Nose in the Air.

                                                             
Grammar
A few minor typos--see the line by line.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This looks like an awesome start to your romance novel. It's got at least three great characters so far, and good tension between all three. Keep writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Ian’s wife came on and talked to her about it, which was awkward because Kerry’s heart was speeding toward a dead-end wall, her heart could not get through. My Comment: Something is amiss with this sentence. Did you mean...”THAT her heart could not get through?” if so, you should omit the comma.

She ordered, presented her pass, used two hands to carry the largest mug of hot chocolate imaginable, over to the small round pink and white candy-striped, two top metal tables in the corner beside the windows looking out on the front of the hotel and sat.My Comment: This sentence is a bit of a run-on.

Ian tried drinking the coffee in the hotel room but found the taste horrible.My Comment: We’ve been in Kerry’s POV, but with this sentence we’ve flipped to Ian’s.
Ian wasn’t ready to have the conversation he rehearsed since Kerry confirmed she would be at this stop in the tour but he couldn’t pass up the chance to talk to her.My Comment: I think you need a comma before “but.”

The man was taller than she envisioned.My Comment: Hops into Kerry’s head. Note we were in Ian’s head earlier.

By 8:00 am. Kerry was on her way downstairs.My Comment: Re-establishes Kerry's POV at the start of Ch 2

on the six-inch-high raised diasis.My Comment: typo: dais.

I am on the College Board and made sure you were on this tour.”My Comment: Did you mean the Board of Trustees (or Regents) of the local college, or did you mean the actual College Board, an umbrella organization of over 6000 educational organizations. I’m betting you meant something like a local Board of Trustees. Wealthy donors to the college are sometimes included on such boards, along with politicians, distinguished alumni, and other community leaders. Her implied wealth makes her a probable Trustee, most likely one tolerated but not particularly respected due to her privileged demeanor.

Ian took a drink of his coffee, which was lukewarm by now, and shook his head.My Comment: hops to Ian’s head since Kerry can’t tell whether it’s lukewarm or not.

Kerry nodded. “She has attended everyone oneMy Comment: typo: here, it should be “every one,” two words.

He wasn’t sure why he felt he needed to apologize, My Comment: continuing in Kerrry’s head.

Kerry admitted to herself the luncheon would be exciting, My Comment: Back in Kerry’s head

Ian chuckled. Not letting go of her hand he led her to lunch.My Comment: Depending on the POV, this might or might not be a good hook. There’s still the mystery conversation Ian wants to have, so if we’re in his head, the decision to have that conversation is a hook. If we’re in Kerry’s head, I’d still use the readers’ knowledge of Ian’s secret message as the hook. Kerry could, for example, look in his eyes, see that he’s distracted, and decide to get to the bottom of his distress—a “decision” hook that reinforces the tension of the mystery conversation.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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