Crosstimbers Review Forum

Max Griffin
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Item Reviewed: "I'm Not A Sheep"   by Choconut ~ House Targaryen
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a wonderful, heart-warming story. Thank you for sharing.

                                                             
Characters
Kelly has learned her beloved father is on his deathbed. This unexpected news leaves her unsettled and establishes the goals, stakes, and obstacles for the protagonist. The goal is to deal with her grief at the loss of a beloved parent. This is compounded by the fact that he hid his illness from her until on his deathbed, so there's an element of forgiveness as well. The stakes are clearly high. Besides the finality of death, there's the implicit anger that he acted outside the norm in handling his illness and in not telling her about it to provide obstacles to her goal of finding a path to peace.


                                                             
Plot
The plot, built around Kelly's goals, stakes and obstacles, provides a wonderful story arc that transforms her father's unconventional, non-conforming way into a positive.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Kelly's head.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Kind of sparse, but mostly sufficient for staging. Adding some touches to the home when Kelly gets there--maybe a photo, or a smell, or an afghan her mother crocheted, might add some piquancy to the scene and reveal some of her father's character or their shared memories.

                                                             
Grammar
Good job here--I found nothing to whine about.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

In the line-by-line remarks below, I make a number of suggestions regarding the opening. These are all in line with the goal of drawing the readers into Kelly's head and thus into the here-and-now of the story. Other than that, this is a moving and wonderful story that I greatly enjoyed reading. Thank you for sharing.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
“I’ve never been a sheep.”

How many times did he say that? Whenever she signed up to various teenage rebellions, he simply shook his headMy Comment: These are the first three sentences of your opening.

First, it’s generally not a good idea to start with dialogue. Readers need to know not only who is speaking, but who is hearing the speech. That means that you should first establish the point of view before anyone speaks, including the POV character.

Second, there are two pronouns in this snippet: “he” and “she.” Neither one of these have an antecedent, so the reader doesn’t have a clue who they are. Thus, instead of “he” you should have “Kelly’s father.” Now the “she” has an antecedent, “Kelly,” so you an leave the pronoun. In addition, naming Kelly helps to draw readers into her head.

The above quote contains information that’s relevant to the opening, but there’s a better paragraph a bit later that might serve the same end *and* draw readers into Kelly’s head. See the remarks below...



(his death bed; the words turned over and over in her head)My Comment: Parenthetic remarks are generally deprecated in favor of the em-dash or just a new sentence.

A sky filled with squid ink stretched before her as she pushed through the traffic on the M4 motorway. Disconnected lights passed by, and some wove in front of her. Big, fat raindrops smacked against her windscreen, and the tiny wiper worked so hard she thought it might take wings and fly. My Comment: This is an awesome paragraph and might be the basis for a good lede. If you fold in the dashboard clock that appears in the next paragraph and add the worry that her father might be gone before she gets there, you’ve got an opening that sets the stage. The subjective descriptions of the highway and her reactions to wipers put the readers in her head. The ticking clock against her father’s impending demise set up Kelly’s goals, stakes, and obstacles, foreshadowing the story arc. After this, you could insert her remembering he always said “I’ve never been a sheep,” and continue with your original opening.

I think this small rearranging of order helps to establish the here-and-now, the POV, the goals, stakes, and obstacles, and has the advantage of being more immediate and intimate. It has the additional advantage that you don’t have to rewrite anything—just rearrange the terrific things you’ve already written.

Kelly smiled at the memoriesMy Comment: At last we learn the protagonist’s name.

Aunt Stella took the cold coffee and replaced it with a hot cup.My Comment: In terms of staging, it would be better to put the dialogue tag before Stella speaks, so we know she’s there before the words appear. Otherwise, the reader can’t “hear” her specific voice.




                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!