Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Attack of the blobwoman "   by Alextrax52
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Please note that there is a word limit to items submitted here. For this reason, I only read the first two chapters of this story and did not read the second one at all. I also added links to your original posting so that I could find your stories.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a zany bit of writing that is like HP Lovecraft meets the Marx Brothers. Quite an imaginative parody of the classic Blob.

                                                             
Characters
Carole has the rather peculiar life goal of becoming an eating machine. In fact, she loses her job precisely over snarfing down the community snacks her boss provides. It's not clear why she has this goal, but she does. So when a space creature lands in the woods via a meteorite, of *course* she can't wait to eat it. Doubtless hilarity will ensue.

So Carole has a goal. Oscar Wilde said the only thing worse than not getting what you want it getting it, so no doubt this will be a parable on that witticism.

I get that this is parody and humor, but I'd like to know what zany reason Carole has for her goal, and what she thinks will go wrong in her life if she doesn't realize it. This would tell us the stakes--why she cares about her goal. The obstacle is then overcoming her physical limitations to achieving her goal, but, hey! That's where the space alien comes in the story arc begins.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The idea is to end each chapter with a hook that compels the readers to turn the page and start the next chapter to find out what happens next. You've got a hook for chapter one, but not for chapter 2.

                                                             
Style and Voice
MOstly, we're in Carole's head, except at one point an omniscient narrator intrudes to tell readers stuff. This used to be commonplace in fiction, but not so much any more. Modern fiction tends to reveal essential facts through the words and deeds of the characters rather than through an omniscient narrator telling the readers stuff. If you're interested, I can suggest some readings on deploying point of view to accomplish this.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I loved the description of the crater and the meteorite. You might consider inserting a touch of description of Carole's apartment that reveal her character and maybe her obsession. I have visions of empty pizza boxes and candy bar wrappers.

                                                             
Grammar
Dialogue.
Each time a new character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. So, for example, in your opening Melanie bellows. That's one paragraph. Then, when Carole asks, "What's the problem?" you need to start a new paragraph.

This rule applies even if the "response" is nonverbal. So for example, Melanie might say something and Carole's response might be "Carole rolled her eyes and shrugged." That's her nonverbal part of the dialogue, so it should be in a new paragraph, too.

Vague adjectives.
Adjectives like "large" and "small" give no sense of scale and add nothing a description. You're better off using more precise adjectives that help readers visualize the size.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked the zany twists of this story so far, although it was hard to read due to the improper paragraphing (see above on dialogue). Of course, this is an easy fix. If the reader accepts Carole's loopy goal (I've never met anyone, male or female, who *wants* to be an eating machine), then the story has it's own logic from there. BTW, I know that there are eating contests where the winners are the ones who can consume the most food in a given time, so I can imagine Carole aspires to win such a contest.

In any case, thank you for sharing. I enjoyed this wacky start to your story.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
To Carole it was one thing to run a by the book, tight ship organisation but it was quite another to run it with an almost Draconian rule, after all Melanie had fired employees in the past just for one misplaced handling of the equipment that was delivered or even more bizarrely for not washing their hands.My Comment: Run-on sentence.

she looked up and see what appeared My Comment: typo: looked up and *saw*

Carole thought to herself “I wish there was someway that I could just eat all the time” My Comment: When quoting an internal thought, the editorial standard is to use italics rather than quotation marks. Since the italics denote an internal thought, you don’t need a “thought tag” like “Carol thought...”

she was amazed. My Comment: Tells us she was amazed rather than showing it through her reactions.

quite similar to the one she’d watched in a Simpson’s Halloween episode. My Comment: Which in turn was a spoof on the classic movie of the same name. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051418/


However, what Carole didn’t know was that this blob was a slow burner. My Comment: Omniscient narrator shows up, knowing more than the POV character Carole.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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ASIN: B00THNWLJY The Hounds of Hollenbeck Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 5.99 Buy Now!