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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a well-plotted and amusing tale about a dentist who fails to follow directions. I especially liked the humorous descriptions that you threaded through the narrative.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Instead of immersing the readers in the fictional world, your story starts with several paragraphs in which the author tells the reader some background about how Dr. Green of Odebolt, Iowa came to be on a tropical island off the east coast of Africa. It's not until the good doctor laments that he's lost do we enter the fictional world.

It's not that the information in those early paragraphs is pointless. It's not. In fact, it's essential to the story. The problem is that it's all told rather than shown. The trick is to figure out a way to convey that information through the words and deeds of your characters. You can add the thoughts and emotions of Dr. Green, since I expect he'll be your point-of-view character.

Suppose, for example, you launched your story with Dr. Green swatting insects and smelling the exotic scents of the jungle--nothing at all like hog farms outside Odebolt, but just as unpleasant! (I'm originally from Iowa, so I know all about the wonderful scents of hog farms!) Worst of all, there's not a butterfly to be scene, when that was the whole point of the trip! Notice setting the scene in this way conveys much of the information in the first three paragraphs, but does so by showing Green's sensations, actions, and thoughts. Readers can infer the details, which makes them more intimate since such inferences inform how they perceive the real world.

You could also frame this in a way that revealed Green's goal, namely to see one of these spectacular butterflies.

Then the stentorian tones of DeBolt could warn him about all the dangers. This presents the obstacles, and establishes the stakes as well: if he's not careful in pursuit of his goal of seeing a butterfly, he'll die.

Goals, stakes, and obstacles give rise to tension, the engine which drives your story. Indeed, you've got all three of these, and you DO use them to good effect. The point here is to establish them up front if at all possible, so that the tension is present from the outset. Then, as Green gets lost, steps in the quicksand, etc., the tension increases.

                                                             
Plot
This is a simple but good plot, built around the goals, stakes, and obstacles noted above. I didn't quite see what role whistling turned out to play, however, since the rope snapped, right? Why was whistling forbidden?

                                                             
Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

One suggestion I have for this story is to use Dr. Green to provide the point of view up until the final paragraph. This would be a relatively minor revision and would increase the intimacy and immediacy of the narrative. Of course, the final paragraph can't be in his POV, so you'd need to shift, perhaps to DeBolt.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging--I could tell where the characters were in relation to one another. But this is set in a place most readers, including me, have never been. Adding a touch of detail about the scents, the heat, the humidity, the sounds, and other sensations of the jungle island would add a lot, I think. I wouldn't over-do it, which is why I said "a touch." Just a bit, here and there, to establish and maintain this is an exotic setting.

                                                             
Characters
I liked Dr. Green and DeBolt. They spoke with unique voices and were interesting. Good job!

                                                             
Grammar

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked the plot and characters of this story quite a lot. The humor is amusing as well. I suppose it looks like I've made a lot of suggestions, but in terms of the revisions suggested they are quite small. I think if you spend a few minutes making of the suggested changes, you'll get a stronger story that will better resonate with readers. In any case, it's a good story as it is, and you should certainly keep on writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
My Comment: The actual story starts here. Also, did he speak the sentence in quotation marks or think it? Since he’s alone, I suspect it’s the latter. If so, it’s standard to use italics when quoting an internal thought.

Also, note the adverb “aimlessly.” “Walked is a pretty tepid verb, but the way to pep it up isn’t with an adverb. Perhaps a more precise verb, like “wandered” or “stumbled” would convey what he’s doing.

Having sighted the elusive Lepidoptera, Dr. Green became so engrossed with snapping a few shots that he wandered deeper into the jungle completely ignoring the warnings given by the group's experienced guide, Captain Boleo.My Comment: I have the sense that this is a time reversal, taking us back to before the good doctor was lost. This is confirmed by the ensuing speech by the guide. Flashbacks are a useful tool for the novelist, but are tricky in a short story where the readers are have less sustained connection with the fictional world. It would probably be better to tell the story in a linear fashion to help keep the readers in the here-and-now of ongoing events.

Checking his watch, the guide concluded by saying, “We leave on our first expedition in one hour. Oh, one last thing: don't forget the bug spray.”My Comment: This follows a short speech by Captain Boleo in the same paragraph. When a new character speaks, you should start a new paragraph.

Unfortunately, Dr. Green did not heed Captain Boleo's blunt, but informative admonition. My Comment: marks the end of the flashback and the return to the here-and-now of ongoing events.

He flailed his arms about loosing hold of his camera. My Comment: typo: losing...

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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