Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Twigs"   by Aennaytte: Free & Wild in GoT
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This chapter has strong characters with clearly defined goals, high stakes, and great obstacles. This makes for a lot of tension, which is the engine that drives plot. Overall, I think this is a great first chapter.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Because I think this is a promising first chapter, I'm going to go into some detail on several points. Point of view is probably the most substantial.

This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything. Actually, much of the chapter is almost third person limited in Pyria's head, but this wobbles, especially toward the end.

This narrative style--omniscient narration--dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

There are several scenes in this opening chapter. For most of them, Pyria makes a good POV choice, and in fact it took me quite a while to realize you were using an omniscient narrator. Only minimal changes would be needed to solidify her POV. However, the final scene clearly shifts to Alina's POV. With somewhat more revision, it could still be in Pyria's POV, which would provide a little more stability to the chapter. However, the many calamities in the final scene might make changing to Alina a better choice--you as author would need to determine that.

In any case, my main suggestion for this chapter is to select a POV character for each scene and then make the (usually small) revisions necessary to solidify it. You'll see comments in the line-by-line remarks below where I've noted the places the POV shifts and/or wobbles.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraph is another example of omniscient narration. The narrator is standing outside the story, looking in, describing the scene. It's not until the second paragraph, where we get internal sensations for Pyria, that we're in her head.

So, while your opening does a good job with the who-what-when-where questions, it doesn't do as well with establishing the POV. The "why" question is delayed even further.

                                                             
Characters
All three of the main characters have a clear goal: the survival of Ryzer. Since this involves the survival on Rogor's and Pyria's son, the stakes are quite high. The obstacles they encounter are also formidable, so the tension is high as well. This keeps the pages turning throughout this chapter.

I have to say that Elina's original motivations were unclear. We learn through narration--and explanation by Rogor--why she initially rejected Ryzer. Later, she initiates a slaughter of their human companions, and this was a bit shocking to say the least. One of them questions her leadership, and it's off with his head! If there was a convincing explanation for that, I missed it.

                                                             
Plot
The plot centers on saving baby Ryzer and the sacrifices the adults make.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You don't really have a hook for this chapter--no unfinished business that will compel the readers to turn the page to see what happens next. Indeed, Elina is the happiest ever, Ryzer is recovered, and Pyria appears to have achieved her goal. There's that pesky white hair, but it's not really threatening or anything.

Bottom line: you need a hook.

                                                             
Referencing
We get lots of details of the fictional world as the story evolves. There are a couple of places that felt a bit like info-dumps, but these are related more to losing the focus on POV. For the most part, we learn about the fictional word through the words and deeds of the characters, as we should.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I had one place where I had a problem with staging--see the line-by-line remarks below. Also, some of the descriptions felt like the omniscient narrator intruding to describe stuff as opposed to the POV character experiencing the setting.

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Repeated Words. Repeating words and phrases in close proximity runs the risk of making your prose feel monotone. These are especially hard for me to catch in my own writing. I've marked a couple of them in the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, this is an excellent first chapter. I know I've made some long-winded suggestions, but the structure, characterization, and world building are all big plusses. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
A frantic, restless feeling filled her.My Comment: First indication of point of view: puts us in Pyria’s head. I’m not sure exactly what she’s feeling, though. Maybe she can’t catch her breath and her heart is racing?

carefully pushed My Comment: This is one of those pesky adverbs I mentioned. Maybe she “nudged” it off, for a more precise verb?

Alina slept with her back to Rogor, but against him for warmth.My Comment: Small POV wobble, since it tells us what was in Alina’s head.

was protected by a large, growling wolf.My Comment: Passive voice, which puts readers in a passive, receptive mood. Active verbs are stronger and help reinforce the here-and-now.

She readied for a fight with the wolf by getting into a fighting stance. My Comment: “fight” used twice in close succession. Perhaps “combat” for the second instance?

The baby elf in the nest discovered her and let out a delighted cry. He reached for her and she reached for him. His small fingers wrapped around one of her fingers and he laughed happily. My Comment: A couple of things about this passage.

First, it’s another small POV wobble to say the baby “discovered” Pyria. She has to infer this, so perhaps when she leans over the nest, the baby’s eyes light up and the child crooned. His eyes lighting up shows—as opposed to tells—that he discovered her. Saying “delighted cry” is another small POV violation since it tells us how he feels. Replacing this with a more precise verb, like “crooned” or maybe “gurgled,” also makes it something Pyria senses while letting the readers infer the baby is happy to see her.

set in on the ground to receive the infant.My Comment: typo? Set IT on the ground?

Alina discovered the babyMy Comment: Another small POV wobble.

Rogor came into the forest.My Comment: From what follows, I infer that he’s approached Pyria. A bit of staging would be helpful here. For example, maybe Pyria is huddled against the cold when a footfall makes her look up. Rogor emerges from the shadowy forest and crouches next to her. That reinforces Pyria’s POV, which has kind of gotten lost at this point, and an action (the sound of a footfall), followed by her reaction (looking up) reinforces it. It also provides minimal staging for Rogor’s arrival.

said to Alina, “We have stayed here too long. We asked you to move south weeks ago. You made us stay here because of her.” He pointed to Pyria. “Now our child is dead from the cold.”My Comment: The paragraphing is a little uncertain due to WDC foibles, but it looks like two different people speak in this paragraph, which is a certain indicator it needs to be more than one paragraph. The break, if it’s not already there, should be at “at that moment...”

weakened from weeks of very small amounts of food, My Comment: Mark Twain once remarked that every time he was tempted to use the word “very,” he’d use a cuss word instead. He could count on his copy editor to delete profanity, so he knew his text would then look as it should have in the first place. The point is, “very” is one of those empty words that add nothing to descriptions and only serve to slow down a sentence.

air. A bird swooped in an plucked it out of the air.My Comment: “air” used twice.

Out of nowhere, Rogor fell over like a tree that was cut off right above the roots. He fell on the floor of the house and did not move.My Comment: “fell” used twice.

It was hot and tasted good. My Comment: Pyria didn’t drink, so we’ve obviously changed POV. I didn’t catch where, which suggests something needs fixed.

Alina drank the whole cauldron empty cup by cup. She grew more and more sleepy with each cup My Comment: We’re definitely in Alina’s POV at this point.

Pyria noticed the fire was starting to burn low.My Comment: And now, we’re back in Pyria’s head, so the chapter must be using an omniscient narrator. See comments above.

He grew continuously more frustratedMy Comment: Here we’re in Vanomir’s head.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
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http://MaxGriffin.net

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