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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I loved the notion that one of the most horrid tortures in Hell is listening to polkas!! Are you familiar with this version of the AC/DC song "Highway to Hell" by a polka band: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_gtGfAail4

                                                             
                                                             
Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Most short stories have only one POV character, since each change in point of view potentially disrupts the readers' connections with your fictional world and in a short story there's generally not enough time to establish multiple POV characters.

I've marked a couple of places in the middled part of the story that suggest a particular point of view--first of Nails and of Candy. Since these occur in the same scene, hopping from Nails' head to Candy's implies an omniscient narrator, as do other elements in the same scene.

I loved the complex tapestry of ideas and biographical details in this story, and i think it could be either longer or shorter. Mostly, I think the ideas merit making it longer, into at least three chapters and maybe more, each having it's own POV character. If you'd like more detailed suggestions, drop me a note.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You give us lots of details in the opening chapters, but there is no point of view character or, more accurately, it's all written with an omniscient POV, almost like nonfictional biographical spread. The problem with this is that (a) there's no character the reader can latch onto and use as an anchor to the fictional world; and (b) lacking an anchor character, it's harder to build tension and keep readers turning the pages. This gets back to to the structure of the story.

As an example, the polka music is a terrific idea. But it first shows up about 2/3 of the way through, then again at the end. I'd love it if the story started with someone--a POV character--visiting the three graves, hearing the ghostly hoomp-hoompa of polka rumbling from nowhere, and be inspired to learn more about those buried here. You could give this character goals, make the goals matter (the stakes), and obstacles (uncovering the distant past is certainly an obstacle). I see I've rambled into structure again, so I'll stop, but I think it's important to *have* at least one POV character, to establish that character in the opening paragraph, and to establish the characters goals, stakes and obstacles. It's also important to let readers know what KIND of story this is, so having the ghostly music at the start helps to establish that.

                                                             
Plot
Goals, stakes, and obstacles are the building blocks of tension and also plot. Kurt Vonnegut said that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water. The characters have goals, but the connection between the various goals and the action of the plot could be clearer and give a stronger structurre to the story arc.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

If you decide to make this longer, then each segment should end with a hook. Note that the hooks naturally coincide with the idea of goals, stakes, and obstacles.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging--I could tell where the characters were in relation to each other. However, the setting was pretty sparse. Suggesting a few details can help to advance characterization or plot and add to verisimilitude as well.

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Grammar
I don't read for grammar, although I almost always find something to whine about. Not so here--the writing is at a professional level.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This story is full of creative and original ideas. Ultimately, it's about the wages of sin and how these cross generations. It's well-written and has great potential, but it reads more like narrative journalism than fiction. Even in narrative journalism, I'd expect to see some of the elements of fiction such as goals, stakes, and obstacles, along with a strong story arc. With all the creative elements already in this story, I think it's well worth the revisions needed to make it hit on all cylinders. thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
In 1922, Menlo and his old teammate, Sangster teamed up and began robing banksMy Comment: typo: robbing banks...

Somehow believing he and his four black checkers stood a chance against Candy and her red army with three kings, Nails, daring not to take his eyes from the board for fear of breaking his concentration, sarcastically harrumphed,My Comment: This suggests we’re in Nails’ head.

Curiosity getting the best of her, Candy moseyed toward the window to take a look-see for herself. Before she had an opportunity to see who was pounding on her door, Candy heard a familiar voice: “Open the door, goddamnit! It’s me, John.”My Comment: Here, we’re in Candy’s head since we know curiosity gets the best of her and that the voice is “familiar” to her.

I’d be forced to listen to Polka music. Nonstop! My Comment: hahaha



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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