Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Sandy and Josh"   by Beckab50
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
a happy ending!

                                                             
I'm going to skip most of my usual headers and just focus on some fundamentals.

First, I liked the dialogue where Nancy and Sandy decide to shop for new outfits for Josh's birthday party. Dialogue is a great way to show characters interacting with each other. But there are some rules when writing dialogue.

(1) Enclose the words that the characters speak in quotes.
(2) Start a new paragraph each time a new character speaks.
(3) Use dialogue tags like "Sandy said" to help readers keep track of who is speaking. Sometimes you can convey who is speaking in other ways-see an example below.

So, while I enjoyed the back-and-forth between the Sandy and Nancy, it was hard to read because you didn't follow the above rules. Just for example, here's how I'd suggest formatting the first few lines of your story.



My first recommendation is reformat your story along the above lines just to make it easier to read.

Another thing that helps readers is to have a sense of where Nancy and Sandy are while having this conversation. They might be in Nancy's home, for example. That gives you a chance to insert a couple of details that might reveal something about who Nancy is. Maybe her home is messy, with an empty pizza box hiding under the sofa and laundry piled in the corner. Or maybe it's cozy, with an afghan she'd spent last winter crocheting.

It would help to have a sense of how old they are. They could be teenagers, but "getting plastered" suggests they are probably older, maybe in college. So, another detail might be a textbook from Nancy's calculus class on the table.

The idea is that setting helps to orient the readers, but it's also a tool to reveal things about the characters.


                                                             
Just my personal opinion
Thanks for sharing your story! I hope you find my remarks helpful. And do keep writing!!!!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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