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Rated: 18+ · Message Forum · Other · #1848419
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Mar 25, 2022 at 10:30am
#3489946
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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I enjoyed the premise of this tale, placing a myhtical creature into the modern wolrd.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your first two paragraphs set the scene for the story and name the protagonist, Minnie. While these are good and necessary, it would be better to reveal the fundamentals through Minnie's words, deeds, and sensations. Instead, what we have is the narrator, standing outside the here-and-now of events, reciting facts for the reader. Editors call this an "info-dump," and it's something they generally discourage.

The actual story starts when Minnie sees the egg at the end of the second paragraph. This is the inciding incident, and it would be stronger if you managed to put this even earlier, even in the first sentence if possible.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Minnie is the protagonist, and nearly the entire story is told from her point 0f view. However, the story uses an omniscient narrator--an all-knowing person who stands outside the story telling the reader things. THis is most obvious in the opening paragraph, but also later, for example when the narrative breifly hops into the dragon's head.

Omniscient narrators dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, this style has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

Mostly this story is already in Minnie's head, but there are places where the omniscient narrator appears. These weaking the readers' connection with the here-and-now and thus with the fictional world. My main suggestion for this story is be relentless about staying inside Minnie's head.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
I love the premise for the story, but confess I was a bit disappointed by the ending. The story seemed to promise placing a mythical creature in the modern world, but instead the dragon just flies away and disappears, with apparently no impact on Minnie or her world. Dragons are the stuff of legend, so perhaps the point is that these legends no longer have power in the modern world, even when they come to life. If so, that's a perfectly legitmate theme, but I'm not sure that the ending, which is more or less the equivalent of waking from a dream, is the right vehicle for conveying it.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Good references to the modern world with the pet shop, for example, and Minnie's vehicle.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Good, vivid descriptions.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Minnie and the old woman are both well-drawn and credible. However, it's not quite clear what Minnie's goals are. Kurt Vonnegut tells us that every character should have a goal, even if it's just to get a drink of water. Minnie doesn't seem to have self-aware goals, although there's a hint that she misses her decesed spouse. With goals, come stakes--why is it important to Minnie that she achieve her goals? Finally, there are obstacles--what keeps her from her goals? Goals, stakes, and obstacles are the core ingredients of tension, the engine that drives your story. The result of the conflict between goals and obstacles can make or break the ending of the story. Since Minnie doesn't seem to have clear goals, that may be one reason that I found the ending unsatifying.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
I didn't find any grammatical errors, so good job on that! But...I did find over 35 adverbs, which is a lot for a short story.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I love the premise of the story. Minnie and the old woman are both well-drawn and credible characters. I do feel some minor tweaking to reinforce Minnie's point-of-view and eliminate the omniscient narration would be good, and I also felt that a stronger sense of Minnie's goals would be helpful. Overall, however, I think this is a creative story that shows remarkable imagination and excellent descriptive talents. Thank you for sharing, and by all means keep writing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*a very large egg.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: “Large” doesn’t give a sense of scale and, for this reason, isn’t a helpful adjective. Later, you give an excellent description of the egg—I’d consider using that description here.

Mark Twain once said that every time he was tempted to use the word “very,” he would instead use a cussword. He knew his editor would delete the profanity and thus, Twain said, his copy would look the way it should have in the first place. His point was that “very” is a word that adds nothing and is just a speed bump in your prose. *Exclaim*


*Cut*The egg, about the size and shape of a small watermelon,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This description is great since it provides scaled. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Slowly, Minnie reentered her car. She started the engine and eased the car forward. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: “Car” repeats in these two sentences and again in the next sentence; consider rephrasing to avoid. *Exclaim*

*Cut*she walked passed cages*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Typo: ‘past’, not “passed” *Exclaim*

*Cut*Eddie sensed there was more food close by; he could smell it. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: POV shifts to Eddie from Minnie. *Exclaim*

*Cut*six mice ran freely inside the car.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of the many examples of adverbs accompanying weak verb. For example, “scurried” might be a better choice here than “ran freely.” *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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MESSAGE THREAD
Request · 03-24-22 10:45am
by Bobby Lou Stevenson
*Star* Re: Request · 03-25-22 10:30am
by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

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