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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I enjoy stories with twists, and this one delivered! It's also funny, so that's another plus. Thahk you for sharing!!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

On the plus side, you name your protagonist and you orient the readers in time and space. You give her an immediate goal and tell us what's she's doing. These are all things a good opening should do, and you achieve all of them.

However, your consists of the author intruding to tell the reader all of the above as statements of fact. These are mostly facts the reader needs to know, but it's generally better to reveal them through the words and deeds of your characters. For example, consider your opening paragraph:

This is where you name Shirley and tell us what's she's doing. Suppose instead you'd written something like:

This conveys essentially the same information, but does so through Shirley's thoughts and actions. We can infer from her humming along with the tune that she's cheerful, and from her thoughts about being a "golden oldie" herself, we learn her age. She checks the clock and realizes she's only got twenty minutes to her appointment, and then imagines a fiesty conversation with him in her head. This leeads the reader to infer the essential information in your first paragraph without explicitly telling it. I spent all of two minutes writing this, so I'm sure you can do better. After all, you know Shirley better than I do!

But the point is that showing is more immediate and intimate for your readers, and hence is better than telling. In fact, this is the main suggestion I have for this story--to seek out all the places where you tell the readers things and replace them with showing.

                                                             
Plot
The plot is awesome! Shirley's got a goal, then she gets stopped by a police officer. Everything kind of goes downhill from there, as his paranoia takes over after her innocent statements. Shirley's goal is to get to her appointment and, conincidentally, not be shot. The officer has conflicting goals, and the tension ramps up accordingly. Good job!!!

                                                             
Style and Voice
Mostly this is third person limited, in Shirley's head. (If you don't know what this means, drop me a note and I'll explain in greater detail.) However, there are places where the omniscient narrator intrudes to tell the readers stuff, as above in the first paragraph. I'll point of some of these in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Referencing
Lots of little details to establish this is current era. Good job here, too.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Well, she's in a car on a street, so it's not like there are a lot of details to put in. Still...is her car neat and clean or are there things in it that might reveal her character? Just being neat says something about her character. Is it bright and sunny out? Are there other cars? Is it a residential street? I wouldn't do a lot, but one or two details might help the readers visualize what's happening.

                                                             
Characters
Shirley is great. The officer is believable, especially in light of current events. His over-reaction to Shirley's innoncence is what makes the ending so delicious.

                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar, but I usually find things to whine about anyway. Not so here. Good job!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I see I've made a lot of little nit-picky comments in the line-by-line remarks below. These almost all involve showing, not telling. This is one of the most difficult things for authors to learn. You've got to be relentless. His is a really good story, but it would be an outstanding story with these little things fixed.

This is a really good story with a delicious twist at the end. I do have several suggestions to help bring it to life, but overall it's quite an entertaining read. Do keep writing!!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Shirley, anxious, but obliging, handed the officer her driver’s license, requesting, as she did so, the officer not laugh at the the photo. My Comment: This tells us she’s anxious. You could show it by having her fumble for driver’s license, or be annoyed at her trembling fingers. Also, you tell us what she said instead of putting the actual words in her mouth. Showing—having her actually speak—is stronger that reporting that she spoke, i.e., telling. You could even have her give a nervous titter as she speaks, to help show she’s anxious.

Officer Delp kindly responded, My Comment: Stephen King tells us the road to Hell is paved with adverbs. That’s because they are almost always a shortcut, telling the readers things instead of showing them. Here, how would Shirley infer his response was “kind?” Did he give her a lazy smile, or use an indulgent tone? “Responded” is kind of a weak verb, but the way to poop it up isn’t with an adverb.

Upon hearing the word gun, all pleasantries abruptly ceased. Officer Delp pulled his firearm from its holster and sternly warned, “Real easy now, hand me the gun. Any fast moves, I’ll have to shoot you. Do you understand?”My Comment: The first sentence is the narrator stating a fact. The second sentence shows that pleasantries ceased, so you don’t need the first sentence. “Sternly warned” might be “snapped,” for a more precise verb rather than the adverb/weak verb combination. Finally, his expression probably changed, too—wide eyes, maybe a scowl.

Shirley nervously answered, “Y-yes. P-please, Officer, don’t shoot me. It’s just a squirt gun.”My Comment: The stammer shows she’s nervous, so you don’t need the adverb.

Shirley, now in tears, wearily spoke, “I swear, Officer, it’s a toy; it’s just a kid’s toy.”My Comment: She’s in tears, threatened by a gun, and weary? I’d think she’d manage to choke out a response...

Nearly petrified with fear, Shirley hesitantly reached for the glove box, but quickly recoiled. “I’m afraid.”My Comment: ...more adverbs...she can’t “slowly recoil,” so the second is probably redundant.

Nearly petrified with fear, Shirley hesitantly reached for the glove box, but quickly recoiled. “I’m afraid.”My Comment: ...more adverbs...she can’t “slowly recoil,” so the second is probably redundant.

Shirley had never in her life been attacked with such over the top hostility.My Comment: This could arguably be something Shirley is thinking as opposed the narrator intruding to state a fact. A slight rewording could make that inference clear.

directed the potential killer to stay put with both hands on the steering wheel.My Comment: Don’t report what he said—put the words in his mouth.

Keeping his eyes trained on, and his gun pointed at Shirley,My Comment: Don’t need the comma after “on.” When a compound predicate has two items, no comma is used. Use a comma only when there are three or more items. See paragraph 6.23 of the Chicago Manual of Style. (So I guess I did find one grammar error.)

Panic-stricken, Officer Delp, clutching the index finger of his left hand with the hand that once held his gun, quickly spat, “In time? What does that mean?”My Comment: We’ve more or less been in Shirley’s head up to now, but when you say Delp is panic-stricken, that hops into his head. Generally you should have only one point-of-view character in a short story. His voice can be panicky, or his eyes can be panic-stricken (wide, for example), but telling us he’s panic-stricken hops into his head.

Shirley found her license tucked in Officer Delp’s shirt pocket. My Comment: Some staging questions here at the end—she must have gotten out of her car, right? Then later, she drives away, but she’s told Delp to lean against her tire. So did he move?

Shirley Rae is a cheerful and full of life grandmother. And too, the lovable soul has a biting sense of humorMy Comment: I love puns, too, but this is the omniscient narrator impinging on the story. It would be great if you could rephrase this to be something Shirley is thinking.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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