Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Sound of Death"   by Graywriter
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a well-written, haunting story. An apocolyptic narrative, with no apparent cause for the disaster, met by an amazing and reslient couple. The style has the feel of a journalistic narrative, reportage more than immersive fiction. This makes the events all the more haunting.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You name your characters--not always a trivial task for first person narratives!--orient the readers in space and time, and immediately move to the inciting incident. I was hooked by the first ba-ba-boom.

                                                             
Plot
Da-da-boom, and almost everyone is dead. In the restaurant, flying glass eviscerates diners, but people die in crushed cars and from other grisly events. Ginger and Fen almost instantly conclude they need to flee the city and head for Fen's recently deceased grandfather's cabin in the woods. I won't reveal whether they arrive there or not, but the point of the story seems to be "live for the present, for tomorrow you may be dead." Fen even quotes Matthew 6:34 to that effect.

I do have a comment on the events themselves. Initially, sonic booms seem to be source of the deaths, killing people but leaving infrastruccture largely intact. At least one character speculates it's a Russian attack. An attack--Russian, alien, whatever--that kills but leaves infrastructure makes sense, in a gruesome kind of way. But then, later, it's pretty clear that a second wave levelled the cities with explosions and fire. Despite this being the apparent tactic the Russians appear to be using in Ukraine as I write this, a sensible agressor wants to keep the infrastructure in place to use. Thus, the premise that this is an attack of some sort seems improbable. The Biblical references leave divine retribution as a possibility, but I don't think that was your intent either.

THe above paragraph is just me trying to figure out what happened beyond the overt events. It's 100% fine for this to be left out of the story. In fact, Fen and Ginger can't know, so it's better to leave it out. As author, you doubtless have ideas, but it's fine for the narrative to leave geeks like me wondering.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Fen's head. His matter-of-fact, low-key narrative is amazingly effective.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Seemed just right to me...but be careful with phrasing like "I saw..." or "I heard..." these are subtle form of "telling" in that they filter sensations through the narrator. It's almost always more intimante and immediate to directly describe what he "saw" or "heard." If you want to emphasie that the saw it, have him react in some way.

                                                             
Characters

I see from your bio-block that you've published a lot of non-fiction. I spent most my career as an academic--I was a research mathematician--writing non-fiction, but you clearly wrote and published more extensively than I did. The clarity and economy of your prose shows that just-the-facts experience, and worked well with this narrative.

But...fiction is more than just the facts, or it least it usually is more. We get a bit of reaction from Ginger when she buries her head in his shoulder and laments the myriad deaths they've just witnessed. But, except for this moment, they focus on immediately on surviving. They assess the scope of the disaster in minutes, and in minutes more arrive on a course of action. They seem numb to what's happening around them, almost clinical in their reaction and in Fen's descriptions. Indeed, that clinical, analytical, and relentless focus is part of what makes this so horrifying.

But the result is that I felt distanced from Fen even though he's relating the events. In most fiction, I want to be inside the point-of-view character's head, sensing through them. The distancing comes both from the emotional tenor of narrative (or rather lack of emotion) and from the style (the "I sensed..." phrasing above, for example).

Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, this flat affect is part of what makes the story so horrifying. If they survive, it'll be precisely because they have been able to put aside the horrors. But, what if they found a small child, orphaned by the disaster? Would they help, or would they pedal on by, intent on their own survival? They make one choice, and pursue it relentlessly, but life isn't like that. Reality would intervene and force them to make hard choices. A better story would have them confront the ethical choices a disaster like this forces on people. Well, maybe not a better story, but one I would find more satisfying to read.

                                                             
Grammar

The writing is polished, lucid, and economical. No grammar errors.

However, there are some instances of passive voice. For example

It would be easy to rephrase as "flying glass shredded people sitting up front." It's not just Strunk and White telling us "active voice is better." There's a reason it's better, especially in fiction.

We want our readers to be active participants in our story. It's impossilbe to put all the myriad details of the real world on the page. The buzz of flies, the clatter of silverware, the cracks in the sidewalk, birds soaring overhead. If we put them all on the page, no one would read it--it would be tiresome and dull. So, what we put on the page advances character or plot, and preferably both. We rely on the readers' imaginations to provide all those other details that bring the characters to life.

Back to passive verbs. They put the readers in passive mode, but we want active readers for the reasons in the prior paragraph. So, everywhere you've got a passive verb, I'd consider an active one instead.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a good story, and excellent story in fact. I could wish it portrayed more realistic or compelling ethical choices for the characters, but that doesn't mean it's not a good story--just that it's not one my personal idiosyncacies would prefer. There's lots of mystery here, as well. So, this is a fine story, and eminently publishable.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
My reviews are usually filled with line-by-line comments, but I don't think you need that. I've made some specific suggestions about (the "I felt..." places for example) that can address or not, as you see fit. You are talented and effective writer who doesn't need line-by-line comments.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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