Free, honest, and in-depth reviews. |
Item Reviewed: "Miss Spelled" by eggy Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. What I liked best I love puns, so of course I enjoyed the many I found in this story. I also enjoyed a tale of a magician who had trouble spelling! Opening Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence. Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. Your opening scene, in the classroom, establishes the protagonist, Sam, and his fundamental challenge, namely his spells keep misfiring. It also establishes a deadline since his candidacy as a Wizard will considered at a septenial meeting in another week. A missing element, though, is establishing the point-of-view. More on this in a moment. Style and Voice This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything. The fact that the narrator knows the internal thoughts of so many characters is the primary indication that this uses an omniscient narrator. This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff. In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world. This story evolves in several distinct episodes. At a minimum, I would strongly suggest choosing one character in each episode to provide the point-of-view. Hopping about from charater's head to another's can be disorienting to readers and break the fictional dream playing in their heads. Indeed, every change in point-of-view jeaopardizes the readers' connection with your story, which is why almost all short fictions uses one character to provide the point of view. It would take some re-working to accomplish this, since in this story you've used the POV shifts to add tension, as parts of the story evolve outside of Sam's observation. On the other hand, Franklin is secretly observing all of the events, so he might be the perfect POV character for the entire story. Plot Sam is mis-spelling. His friend Franklin suggests he contact Bertrand, who might be helpful. Turns out this was a mis-direction in mis-spelling advice. There's reasonable tension in the story as Bertrand's actions increasingly suggest his motives are mis-directed (sorry, I can't stop). There's even a "ticking clock" at the end, which has the effect of increasing tension. Except, like Chekhov's rifle, the alarm from the ticking clock never sounds, so it's kind of a red herring. The actual climax appears to be unrelated to the countdown to 3AM and instead relies on another mis-spelling. Scene/Setting Kind of sparse for my taste. For example, that's the only description we get of Sam's apartment--it's "sparsely furnished." A touch more description might paint a more robust picture for the readers, with emphasis on "a touch." Following Kurt Vonnegut's suggestion, every sentence should advance character or plot, and preferably both. However, a few details about the inside of Sam's apartment can do both. Characters We encounter quite a few characters, but three are key: Sam, Franklin, and Bertrand. We do get to know each in some detail, including their indvidual goals, obstacles, and the stakes involved in achieving their goals, so good job with that. Grammar I found what looked like a couple of minor typos--see the line-by-line remarks below--but otherwise found no errors. Good job! Just my personal opinion One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I thought this was an amusing story and enjoyed reading it, so thank you for sharing it!!! I found it creative and original, with a fun twist ending. Keep on writing!!! Line-by-line remarks Your text is in BLUE. My comments are in GREEN. If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE. "That is an excellent question, young lady," Sam said, as the girl sat back on her blanket under the old elm. The cool breeze and smells of spring made it the perfect day to conduct his Sorcery Sensitivity Session outdoors.My Comment: Good use of sensations here, but this feels like an omniscient narrator intruding to state facts. It would be a simple matter to rephrase this to place it in Sam’s head, and thus establish point of view. The teacher caught his eye with a wave.My Comment: I don’t quite follow what this means. OK, Sam, let's get this one right. You've got this.My Comment: Notice that here you provided Sam’s internal thoughts without saying “he thought” and without the use of italicis. This is called “free indirect discourse,” and can be one of the most effective ways of conveying internal thoughts when the text is in deep third person limited. "I urge you to relax and take it easy for a time. Sometimes we try too hard, sometimes other forces interfere, and sometimes we never find an answer. "The regional Conference meets next week. If you would like, I'll contact an old acquaintance who has some experience in these matters."My Comment: This is correct punctuation, and indicates that the Wizard’s speech continues after the first paragraph. However, I’m not sure it *needs* another paragraph, and the absent “close quote” is pretty subtle and easy for a reader to miss. Tobias wondered about Bertrand's visit and busied himself cleaning the glass counter.My Comment: This is the first indication that we are in Tobias’ POV for this section. eliciting dooks of happiness from the black creature. My Comment: dooks? Typo? Sam sat on the appointed park bench. He delighted in the presence of the foliage, fed the birds and squirrels, and waited for the man Franklin had told him to meet at 7 p.m. His watch now read 8:05 and no one had come. Sam sighed. Might as well go home.My Comment: Here, we’re in Sam’s head, confirmed by the sensations and the internal thought. Bertrand sensed Sam and the damned cat from several blocks down the street. My Comment: Hops into Bertrand’s head. Sam heard another haunting “ho-ho-hoo hoo hoo”My Comment: Puts us in Sam’s head. However, phrases like “Sam heard” are a subtle form of telling. It’s generally more immediate and intimate for readers to directly describe what Sam heard. If y ou want to emphasize he heard it, you can have him react in some way. I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! Max Griffin Please visit my website and blog at https://new.MaxGriffin.net |