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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Good descriptions throughout, as well emotional tension.

                                                             
Opening
Starting a new chapter means re-setting all the elements of the scene, including putting the readers back in the head of the POV character. You've done a good job of that, with the single except that I'd use Brittany's name instead of the pronoun "her."

                                                             
Plot
This reaffirms the origninal plot and adds an ally to Aiden's quest. It also humanizes Ben.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You end with a decision, so you've got a good hook.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Aiden's head. No slips.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Good job on the street and later at the house. I just found one detail to whine about--see the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Characters
We meet Ben in person. We know his reputation from Aiden's description of him, but this chapter rounds this out. He's flawed, killing casually, but shows human--and humane--empathy.

                                                             
Grammar
Just a couple of adverbs, whichh aren't errors but more a matter of taste.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
This is a great advance in the plot. I reaffirms the goals. The grisly scene at the house adds adds tension, and Ben's actions add depth to his character. It ends with a good hook, so this is a good chapter. Thanks for sharing!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
As I thought of her,My Comment:Tecnhically, since we’re in a new chapter, there’s no antecedent for the pronoun “her,” so you should use her name here.

(As the frequent kidnappings of his enemies would attest to.)My Comment: Editors tend to eschew the parenthetic comment since it breaks the flow.

The building was consistently occupied by Vince's men. My Comment: So, this wasn’t just “a building,” but one that he recognized in the video. For continuity, you might mention this...

"Les, leave the poor guy alone. Looks like he hasn't got a pot to pee in," a second voice said. It had a low, but not deep, timbre.My Comment: You’re going to name the new guy in just a few paragraphs, so why keep his identity a mystery now? Just have Aiden realize it’s Ben.

After we walked up to the doormat and I read "Welcome Home!" on the doormat, I felt my stomach dropMy Comment: “doormat” used twice...you can readily eliminate one fo the two. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose feel monotone. .

Vince dragged countless people here kicking and screaming,My Comment: He’s inferring this, right? He can’t know it for a fact since it appears this is the first time he’s seen the place..

We weren't greeted by a rancid smell, My Comment: Better to say what he DID smell, and then say “at least it wasn’t rancid...”

The murder was recent, so no rank odor had set in.My Comment: Actually, on death various sphincter muscles release and the bowels and bladder empty, so there would be the stink of feces and urine. Also, this is another place to use her name, to make the sight more personal.

he forcefully picked My Comment: forcefully picked = wrenched, for example. A more precise verb is better than aa weak verb/adverb combination every time.

"Love is most itself, When the here and now cease to matter," Ben spoke slowly.My Comment: I’d consider having him murmur, and perhaps having Aiden react to the slow cadence of his words.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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