Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Sweet Tea and Murder"   by Breanna Reynolds
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Breanna, welcome to Writing.com! I see you just joined a couple of weeks ago, and you've already posted two stories. Congratulations, and thank you for sharing your creativity.

I hope you find your time on WDC as productive as I've found mine. This is a great place to make new friends, to share your work, and to learn and grow as an author. It can be kind of overwhelming here, so if you have any questions, please feel free to drop me a note.

Ordinarily, I give in-depth reviews with detailed comments on craft. However, since you are new to WDC, that might be more than you're looking for, so I'll keep my comments more generic. I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging.

                                                             
What I liked best
I love spooky stories where wierd things happen to ordinary people. This one fits that model. I particularly liked that you left the mystery of the leeches, the boy, and his mother unresolved. The mystery drew me in, of course, but you let the reader figure out the explanation that fits them, based on the clues you provide.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

An opening also needs to orient the reader by answering the basic questions of who, what, when, where, and so on. Your opening does a good job of that, setting the scene in the apartment where most of the action will take place. It also establishes a sense of menace as Neil meets his fate.

As a suggestion, I'd *name* Neil in the first sentence rather than using a pronoun. In the first place, the "he" has no antecedent. But more to the point, knowing the character's name helps to draw readers into the story.

                                                             
Plot
This story really starts when Amelia moves into her apartment. The story is about the events that transpire between her, the little boy, and his mother.

I understand why you started with Neil, but this opening actually gives away the plot. Knowing what happened to Neil tells the reader what's going to happen to Amelia and reduces the tension. It's generally a stronger story save that as a kind of punch line.

I'd recommend starting the story where Amelia moves in. The little boy's remarks about the prior tenant adds tension, along with his warning. Later, his mother says Neil was murdered, again adding to the tension, but not saying exactly what happened. Tension is the engine that moves your story forward, and this is one of two major suggestions I have for this story.

                                                             
Style and Voice
From the point that Amelia enters the apartment, we're more or less in her head. However, there are some spots where an omnicscient narrator seems to know the future, and some other places where we slip out of Amelia's head into another character.

This leads to my second suggestion for this story. I'd suggest to try to stay in Amelia's head throughout, and show the action from her point of view. Having her sense and react to what happens helps to cement this point of view. A shiver might run down her spine, for example, or her head might throb when she wakes. Think about what sensations she's experiencing and put those on the page, showing her interacting with her surroundings and the other characters. You more or less already do this, but controlling the POV in this manner is one of the most challenging things for authors to do consistently.

I realize this is a kind of technical observation. If you'd like more detail on POV, let me know and I'll send you some links.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Lots of good details in this story to set the scene, including sight, sound, scent, and touch. The little boy's apartment was particurlarly nicely done, and spooky.

                                                             
Characters
Kurt Vonnegut said that every character needs to want something, even if it's just a glass of water. In particular, characters need goals. The goals need to matter, i.e, something bad happens if they don't achieve thier goals. these are the stakes. Finally, they need to face obstacles. The tension between goals and obstacles leads to conflict. THe outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. This gives rise to tension.

Eventually, Amelia has a goal, namely figuring out what the boy is doing with all that sugar. The obstacle is the mystery and obtuseness of his answers. THe stakes rise at the mention of the fate of the prior tenant.

So, Amelia eventually has goals, stakes, and obstacles. If you could make those clearer at the start, so the evolution is more her striving than being carried along by events, I think there'd be more tension and a stronger story--not that it's not already a strong story!!

                                                             
Grammar
You noted there were typos in the message sending me story, so I won't comment on those. I don't generally read for grammar, but usually wind up whining about something. Not here. You've got a good grasp of the language.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. Most of my suggestions above are predicated on this theory of fiction.

I liked this story quite a bit. It's got intersesting characters, an intriguing mystery, and builds nicely to the inevitable climax. It shows you have a native talent for story telling. There are myriad details of craft that can hone that talent to fine-edged tool, but you're off to a proming start!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
2280592The boy scratched his cheek absent-mindedly then jammed his hands into lint-filled pocketsMy Comment: This is one of those places where we slipped out of Amelia’s head and into the boy’s. She can see or sense the lint in his pocket, so we’re in his head in this sentence.

One bag of sugar and the boy made to depart with a "thank you" and a greasy handshake.My Comment: “bag of sugar” is a little vague. Is he getting a 4# bag of sugar or a packet of sugar. It’s better to be specific. It’s more common to ask for a cup of sugar. Also, he gets this “bag” on consecutive days, right? So is she going to the store in between to replenish her supply?

Small talk was difficult for her,My Comment: Here, the author intrudes to state a fact. It’s better to show her being uncomfortable as silence stretches. Maybe she fidgets, or tugs at her dress. You could add the sound of the teapot or a spoon clinking against a glass in the kitchen to emphasize no one is speaking.

She could have said no. She should have said no. She didn't.My Comment: Omniscient narrator intrudes with foreknowledge…

Amelia nodded, with a dash of uncertainty and troubledness raising goose bumps up. My Comment: Good use of internal sensations to show her unease. In fact, you don’t need to tell us she uncertain and troubled—the goose bumps show that all by themselves. The showing is stronger than the telling, and in fact the telling weakens the showing.

She would have said somethingMy Comment: Here's a place I'm losing track of who's doing what. You need a proper noun here so we know which “she” would have said something.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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