Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Broadened Horizon (working title)"   by Azul
Chapter: "Prologue" 
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
The emotional content of this story is compelling. It takes real talent to convey such deep feelings with such clarity. The narrator's panic, her regrets, her actions, it all comes together in an amazing whole.

                                                             
Opening
Really, this is the only place where I have some suggestions.

The opening has to do many things, but chief among them is orienting the reader. That means more than just the who, what, when, where questions. The reader needs to know whose story we reading, i.e., we need to know the point-of-view.

We learn in the second paragraph that we have a first person narrator. In my view, this should be the *first* thing we learn. We're going to experience this story through her eyes and ears, through her senses, feelings, and thoughts. You do a marvelous job with all of that, always showing, never telling, with vivid and wonderful prose. But, we need to meet her in the first sentence. We need to see Leo dancing in that first sense through her eyes, which means we have to see her first, not him.

It also takes quite a while to learn Skyllar's name, and hence her gender, another important thing to know about her. Since I'm gay, it's natural for me to think this might be a same-gender couple, so it took me momentarily out of the here-and-now as I adjusted my thinking to the reality of the story. So, knowing her name, her gender, and establishing that we're in her point-of-view early are the most significant suggestions I have.

Less important is setting up where Leo and Skyllar are and what they are doing. All of this is establishing the routine here-and-now, before disaster strikes.

Finally, I'd recommend spending another sentence or two on Skyllar's reaction when she realizes what's happened. This part of the story zooms by pretty quickly, and it's clear she knows how serious it is, but we don't get a *physical* reaction from her. I think a more visceral reaction than just "it has to be an artery" is needed--shock jittering down her spine, a cold ball gripping her core, her fingers trembling, something that shows terror.

Once she starts first aid, I'm right there with her, denying it, frantically trying to stop it, filled with regrets and sorrows, from the point she says "no no no no" the story is breathtaking. But I think the opening needs some tweaking, along the lines of orienting the reader, and later to give a visceral reaction to Skyllar.

                                                             
Plot
I'm not usually a big fan of prologues, but this one is terrific. It really demands the reader tunr the page to see what happened to Leo and how Skyllar reacts. So, it's awesome.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

See above. The whold prologue is one huge disaster, which gives the strongest possible hook.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Skyllar's head. No slips.

We learn a lot about Skyllar in this brief chapter. Clearly, she's in love with Leo. But there's an uncertainty to her love, too, and a mention of losing another lover recently. Her reluctance to say "yes" to Leo's proposal is another great hook, a "decision" that she made that readers will want to know more about.

                                                             
Referencing
I didn't need the footnotes, although thank you for providing them. The meanings were clear from context even though I don't speak Spanish. Also, Chrome wouldn't actually *take* me to the footnote. (Not your fault. As an academic, I love footnotes.)

                                                             
Scene/Setting
See above--this is part of orienting the reader. But it's also more than that. We know that the cabinets are "cobbled together," so presumably they're in kitchen with jury-rigged cabinets of some kind. But even a tiny bit more information here could reveal something about character or plot. I wouldn't do more than a sentence or two, again at the start, to establish the "normal world," and with an eye to revealing character or advancing plot.

                                                             
Characters
Leo is so exuberant and brave, I can see why Skyllar loves him. I love him, too, and I've only just met him. Skyllar is more complex, but you've made me care about her, too, and want to get to know her better. There's some really good writing in this prologue.

                                                             
Grammar
Comma Splices.
I don't read for grammar, but usually find things to whine about. Not here. Good work.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

All right, the above paragraph is in most of my reviews, and you don't need it. This really well done. You have talent and a mastery of craft. I want to read more of this story and get to know your characters better. Thanks for sharing!!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
....I think I already told you I don't have much in the way of nit-picky comments. Almost always I pepper my reviews with suggestions for tweaking minor things...not here. The only suggestions I have are the little things about about orienting the readers.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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