Hi, Atreides. I know I promised you a review earlier, but I have the attention span of a bug and am too easily to distract.

That said I found this was a nice variation of the classic "whodunit". You have a victim, no obvious leads and a seemingly impossible nut to crack. One can almost see the smoke coming out of Alex ears from thinking so hard. It's really bugging him and he's losing sleep and weight about it. That I call a passionate investigator.

Here comes the first but already. Exactly what is Alex? A homicide investigator? Kind of a Man in Black? What?

The second but: when he's seasoned in investigating death and familiar with the helpers, he shouldn't be so shocked when he finds Jaren; he'd be used to the sight of someone dead, no matter if they're human or not. Except of course, he knew Jaren personally, which of course would've led automatically to him being taken off the case as there's a conflict of interest and he no longer objective.

No longer being objective automatically leads also to the third but: Why Jack Murr? There are also others who're not too happy about the visitors and new fellow citizens. It's few, but more than one. Is Alex fixated on Jack because he's the leader of this minority or because this is something personal (as his rather smug and unprofessional behavior toward him at the end indicates)?

The fourth but: in death the facial muscles relax after some time as there's no longer electrical/neurological energy and nutrition keeping them tense or moving. As the helpers are anatomically roughly similar to humans (four limbs, trunk, heads) their muscles and how they work could be similar to ours as well. Something else you might like to consider.

Not letting Alex alone with his fuming head was a nice turn. Sometimes people who're neutral respective not so close to the case can come up with surprising ideas and theories concerning a mystery and see things the investigator doesn't see because he's too close to the case. Maria proves to have some good detecting skills.

(However, I think many investigators, especially those of crimes against people will shy away from it. But that's reality - in fiction it might be easier.)

Anyway, Maria's train of thought makes Alex see what was right before his nose and suddenly, everything is very easy. Although it might appear like one this is no "deus ex machina", but Alex has had all pieces, only wasn't able to put them together properly.

The solution was very evil and very creative. Such a heinous deed can only be committed by someone full of hatred and scorn for life.

However, I kept wondering the whole time why Jack was so full of those toward the visitors. They seem to give no one reason for it.

Also Jaren's companions in the "office" appear a bit... unaffected. They're neither so pissed that they want to go on revenge spree a la Mars Attacks nor do they demand that Alex finds the perps or name a suspect they think did it or wail or whatever. It more as if they want to keep it secret or so for some reason or simply forget as quickly as possible.

I found this to be very irritating as they, when they already get along so well with people, have to be emotional to some great extent, otherwise they couldn't understand our expressions of feelings and how they relate to what we say and do, which is the basis of good communication. See my point?

Also I was wondering where this was set and when.

Well, I've given you quite a few "but"s and things to think about. I find all of them important to make a story work - plot, characters, setting, time & harmonious details -, but I guess I better stop now before you begin to hate me.

What I found to be pleasant, however, was how well-polished this story was. You're half as old as me and have better grammar skills than me. Shame on you!

But seriously now, here come a few little technical flaws in chronological order; nothing wild and easy to fix.

1) He was well-known... reasons why the aliens...
2) ... final step(comma) murder.
3) ... people would lose trust in the helpers.
4) They had disagreed, saying(comma)...
5) ... he asked his wife(no comma) Maria(no comma) one night,...

6) He had dark circles under his eyes and lost several pounds. (the second "he had" was repetitive)

7) "So it could have been anything?" (that fits the following question better Also I would put her proposition for a solution after her crooked smile; just switch the order of the two sentences ~ but maybe that's just me)

8) "That doesn't help(no comma) then, does it?"
9) "I must admit(no comma) it was..."
10) ... into something disturbingly animalic(?).

Also be careful with a cumulation of have/had + verb! Too much of it slows the pace of the story and makes it difficult and distracting to read.

Thank you for sharing!


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .