Hi Wolfman,
I carefully read Chapter three, here is my review. I saw you name in "Invalid Item"  and this review is part of your shower.
Please remember, I'm a writer, just like you, and these are only my impressions. My ultimate goal is to be helpful and supportive. Thanks for sharing your work.



OVERALL SENSE: This chapter is where Dagur gets his revenge. It's another gruesome read that many find too bloody. I read mysteries that can get gruesome, so this is fine with me. But, if you want others to read it, I'd advise to tone it down a bit. I rewrote your first paragraph to make it feel as if it’s happening now, showing the action instead of telling. Otherwise you did well with the rest of the chapter.

         TITLE: The title, A Day of Darkness Ch. 3, fits this chapter.

         STYLE/VOICE: The style and voice stays very strong on the violence with plenty of action.

         SCENE/SETTING: The scene and setting takes place at the Venatores campsite. He perched in a tree, waiting for his victims to pass underneath him.

         CHARACTERS: Dagur is the main character, a werewolf whose out for revenge. The Venetores killed his family and all he can think about is killing them.

         PLOT: A young werewolf has just joined his father's and fellow werewolf's tribe. He's so happy to be out on his own with living by himself. When he finds a gruesome scene at his parents cave, he seeks revenge on the Venetores.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING: I rewrote the first paragraph and took away a bloody description. You don't have to reveal too much, let your reader picture it in their mind. The fight scenes are enough to show what is going on. Blood shooting out here and there, let the reader into your story. They can picture it on their own. Below is the first paragraph that I rewrote just to show you what I mean.

Dagur perched in a tree above the Venetores campsite waiting, waiting for the sentries to pass beneath it, one after another. When the first sentry walked by, Dagur pounced just as the second was below him. He landed exactly where he wanted to, his fall snapping the sentry’s neck. Reacting to the noise, the remaining sentry turned and Dagur ripped his throat out with his teeth. Watching the man’s panicked eyes as he thrashed on the ground, he waited until the man ceased moving. Then moving towards the tents and noticing they were arranged in a plain circle, he decided to start with a random tent and make his way around until they were no more.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: NONE

         LIKES: I like Dagur, his abilities seem all powerful. He loved his family and wants revenge for what is done to them. It seems that what he seeks to get done, he does it.

         DISLIKES: You could stop mentioning how bloody the scene are. Just show the action, don't tell about the blood shooting out .

FAVORITE LINE(S): I found a few favorite lines that I'll quote you and tell you why I like them.

          QUOTE HERE As he entered this tent he was met with the unexpected. A dog was sleeping fitfully and as he went past it awoke and bit him on the leg, snarling and growling all the while.

          My Comment: It seems your best laid out plans can have a glitch in it. I like that you added this to give more action to the scene and to show how well trained Dagur is. Of course, his instincts as a werewolf helped out in this situation.

          QUOTE HERE Dagur was ready with an answer “After what you did to our kind, we enjoy killing you with the utmost fibre of our being. When we lived peacefully among all, you drove us out.

          My Comment: I liked this background between the two mortal enemies. The werewolves tried to live peacefully amongst the humans, but they got driven out. Most likely fear took over and the humans decided to not trust them.

JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION: This is another exciting chapter which shows a little more of Dagur's life and what he has to deal with. Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece.





Take care now, keep on writing, I’ll keep on reading,
Jeannie Cheering for Martel ** Image ID #1877210 Unavailable **