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Review #3826421
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Review by Elle - on hiatus
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Rated: | (4.0)
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*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L. Review *Pencil*


*Bursto* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile*

*NoteB* General Comments & Reader Reaction:
I love the way you've put this chapter together. With Nicole 'writing' the story, we get to see the abusive situation from a first hand view, then we get a breather as we go back to Nicole. Excellent work.

*NoteG* Plot & Pace:
The pace is superb in this because it starts slowly with Nicole, picks up pace dramatically during the 'flashback' (for want of a better word) and then slows down again as we come back to Nicole. There's also a slower section where the girl waits in her room in the morning that gives us a short breather. It's exactly how we're told to write.

*NoteO* Characters:
We already had a glimpse of Nicole in full revenge mode in the first chapter and here we see another side of her - the compassionate, solitary woman who is making it her life's work to give voices to these victims. Excellently done.

The girl isn't given a name, but she is well portrayed, if a little one-dimensional. All we truly know of her at the moment is the girl that is terrified of her parents. Whether we need to know any more is up for debate I suppose. For now, it's enough. It really depends on where future chapters take us.

*NoteR* Setting & Imagery:
The imagery you have used in this chapter is beautiful. I have highlighted some of my favourite lines under 'favourite lines' (he he...!) below.

*NoteB* Writing Style & Grammar:
*Cut*Nicole stabbed the erase button, and with her glass of Pino Grigio, moved quietly to her office.*Cut*
I think 'Pino' should be 'pinot', it's a French word and the t is silent. I was also going to tell you that I don't think it should be capitalised because it's a type of wine, not a brand. HOWEVER, it looks like you're not the only one who thinks it should be capitalised. So it might be a matter of opinion. Personally, I wouldn't capitalise it, but I'm no longer sure which way is right or if indeed there is a right way.

*Cut*She turned off the overhead light and sat down at her desk, to watch the action.*Cut*
I would just suggest adding 'outside' to the end of that sentence, so your reader immediately knows that she's going to be looking out the window, not at a screen or at action in the room.

*Cut*The shops and restaurants at the pier were temporarily overlooked, while crowds hung around, doing the meet and greet, before they settled into the dinner and bar scene.*Cut*
At first I thought the shops and restaurants were overlooked by Nicole in favour of people-watching, but then I realised that's not what you meant. Perhaps 'The shops and restaurants at the pier were temporarily overlooked by the crowds that hung around doing the meet and greet, before they settled into the dinner and bar scene.' Yes? By the way, that's a wonderfully descriptive sentence.

*Cut*I wonder if anyone was sick on the boat?”*Cut*
You don't need the speech mark at the end of that sentence.

*Cut*A boat carrying cars and people at the same time, to and from lower and upper Michigan before the Mackinac Bridge was complete, was pretty cool.*Cut*
You don't need 'at the same time' in that sentence, we can surmise that ourselves. You can remove that first comma too I think.

*Cut*she thought of how she would bring into being, "The Vanishing Point", her next narrative and rendering.*Cut*
You don't need the comma before the book title. I've noticed that there are a number of superfluous commas throughout your work. It's something I do too! I'm hoping to take the Comma Sense class with "Invalid Item and until I do, I don't feel 100% certain I can correctly pointing out all the superfluous ones, but it's definitely something to be aware of. Try to read it aloud, pausing every time you reach a comma, and you might catch them. I'll point out any I'm certain of, but I'm sure there are others.
*Cut*This would be her fourth actual book, unless her articles about women in non-traditional fields of work, was printed first.*Cut*
See, you don't need the one after 'fields of work' either. Read it with and without, and see what you think.
*Cut*Within the walls of our home, was a system of chaos and confusion.*Cut*
That sentence doesn't need a comma either.

*Cut*and the car in the drive way very clean.*Cut*
Driveway is one word.

*Cut*He grabbed a handful of hair and snatched Tony out of bed, “I thought I told you to bring in the sprinkler,” he yelled.*Cut*
That would work better as two sentences, putting a full stop after 'bed'.

*Cut*He threw Tony to the floor and backhanded mother.*Cut*
Mother should have a capital there as it is being used as a name. If you said 'my mother' it wouldn't need a capital.

*Cut*I peeked down at my brother's bed and saw he was gone, He's gone to school.*Cut*
That should be two sentences, with a full stop instead of the comma.

*Cut*She pulled bread and lunch meat out of the refrigerator and threw it at me,*Cut*
Threw THEM at me, as you are referring to two things.

*Cut*telling me to, "Make it yourself! I'm not your maid.*Cut*
This would work better if you said 'telling me to make it myself. "I'm not your maid! Separating the dialogue into a new sentence makes this a little easier to read.

         *Bullet* Favorite Lines:
*Cut*Traffic, crossing the Bay Bridge into the city, heavier than usual, looked like extended ropes of light, ever increasing in length.*Cut*
Very descriptive, very visual.

*Cut*The emotional toll was tremendous, capturing details of closely guarded secrets and weaving the intricacies and complexities into something dignified and cathartic.*Cut*
Again, very descriptive but in a completely different way. Love that sentence.

*Cut*As she painted their memories across the sheets that spewed from the printer she somehow liberated her subjects by giving them a voice previously denied.*Cut*
THAT is my favourite sentence! Perfect! I love the use of the words 'painted' and 'spewed', also 'liberated'. Brilliant!

*NoteG* Overall Impression & Conclusion:
There are some minor technical errors as highlighted above, but they are easy to fix. This is a brilliant chapter and with those minor details fixed, it will definitely be worth a five star rating. There is tremendous potential for the rest of your story and I think you've done exceptional work.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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