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Review #3928140
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Pride and Courage  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Fire* Hello Christine ! I'm reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of your Hydro package from "Invalid Item" !

My Thoughts: I looked for something in your port that didn't have any ratings, and finding such a story wasn't an easy task. Judging from other items in your port, this doesn't appear to be your preferred genre, but I must say that you did a great job with this story!

You hooked me in the first paragraph with your revelation that Oleandra was out to get revenge for the slaughter of her family. Even though the story focused more on all of the lessons she learned while trying to prepare herself to get that revenge, you held my interest throughout. Your clever explanations of how she learned more about each of the virtues was terrific. And at the end of the story, when when Rodrigo threw the dagger at her, I almost jumped in my chair. You described the scene so vividly, it was as though I was watching it in a movie. Good job!

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My Suggestions: I would omit "for" from the second sentence, as I don't think it's needed. I would suggest that you review the story for overuse of past perfect tense. For instance, in one paragraph near the beginning of the story (under the third "Teach me!", you used the word "had" six times in only three sentences. The rest of the story is replete with instances of "had". In the sentence that begins, "Instead, he had taken her with him..." (another instance of "had"), "and his gang" shouldn't be set off with commas.

In the following paragraph, I think it would read more smoothly if you changed "She mastered to whimper" to "She mastered whimpering". A little later, you say "sermon topics of her fathers'". This should either be changed to "her father's favorite sermon topics" or "sermon topics of her father". The way you're using it is a double possessive that sounds unnatural, and if you insist on having it that way, it should be "father's", because "fathers'" indicates you're taking about multiple fathers. Finally, near the end of the story, "spread on the table besides him" should be "spread on the table beside him". As it is, you are indicating that he is spread on the table among the other things.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written and interesting short story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and will definitely check out more of your work!

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 12/02/2013 @ 8:33am EST
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