First Date [18+] Sandra is getting ready for her date with a mystery man. |
Hi TJ Marie . I'm JACE - House Targaryen , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "First Date" . This serves as an official review on behalf of the contest, "I Write Romantic in Winter" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story. Overall Impression. A good start, thought it seemed somewhat stilted to me. It's okay to use contractions in a story, especially when a character is speaking. That's how folks really talk. You want to make things as natural as possible. Since this story was written for the "Breakthrough!" contest, and the first (shorter) phase is more likely setting the stage for subsequent phases, I would have enjoyed a more detailed description of your character, Sandra. I don't mean listing a series of individual characteristics of her looks, though I would like a little more to allow me to identify more with Sandra. After all, I suspect readers will see more of her in future phases. "Ginger hair" and "heart-shaped face" is all I have to place her in my mind. While I know many questions will be answered in subsequent phases, I would like to know how the date came to be. I believe leaving too much to one's imagination runs the risk of losing your reader. You want to draw your reader in with the mystery, not leave him with so many questions that he leaves unfulfilled. And that's a fine line to walk when having to be stingy with your word count. Still, you had another 60 plus words available. One more thought: read your story out loud. You'll hear problems much easier than seeing them in written form. That's because we tend to see what we want to see, especially after we've become invested in what we've written. And reading out loud forces us to read each and every word. Technical Presentation. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. The biggest issue I found in your writing was the overuse of commas. They are used mainly for separating parts of a sentence such as clauses, and items in lists, particularly when there are three or more items listed. It is also used to indicate a necessary pause. For example: Looking, in her walk in closet at all the clothes she owns.... Looking in her walk-in closet at all the clothes she owns.... She literally, just finished getting ready and the doorbell rings. She just finishes getting ready and the doorbell rings. [Also watch out for changing tenses in the same sentence.] A case of needing a comma. Racing upstairs to try on the new outfit; she is amazed that he knew her size perfectly. Racing upstairs to try on the new outfit, she is amazed that he knew her size perfectly. Watch out for sentence fragments. They distract the reader taking him out of the flow of the story. Tips his hat and walks away at a brisk pace. Tipping his hat, he walks away at a brisk pace. The face meeting hers with short blond hair and sapphire-blue eyes. The face meeting hers has short blond hair and sapphire-blue eyes. My Rating. 3.0 . On the whole, you have a good start. I do look forward to reading more of Sandra's adventures. Thank you for posting this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Reviewed by JACE My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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