I'll start by saying that I'm an ACOA (Adult Child Of an Alcoholic), and I watched my brilliant and capable father destroy first his marriage, then his carreer, and finally lose his life to alcoholism. I also have multiple alcoholics in my ancestry, and have been very careful to avoid that plague in my own life. I'm currently 47, and my dad only made it to 52. In less than five years I'll be older than he managed to be...a scary thought.

Now, to your story. Honestly, you have two big issues that need to be addressed, neither of which have anything to do with the actual "story" itself. Both problems are structural, and, unfortunately, if the structure isn't sound, the story can't be heard properly.

1. Proofreading. Do it once. Do it twice. Get someone else to help if you can. There is nothing that ruins immersion in a tale faster than bad grammer, typos, or editing mistakes, and unfortunately this short story is loaded with them. There are also some instances of colloquialism, which aren't strictly "errors," but it is always important to remember that writing, in general, is a more "formal" style than spoken conversation. In other words, you usually do NOT write like you speak, unless you are intentionally doing dialogue that's appopriate for the character(s) involved.

2. Varied sentence structure. There are exceptions, but most of your sentences are short and choppy, which is difficult to read, and also breaks immersion. You want to pull the reader IN to your world, not drive them out. Now, you don't want to go crazy with run-on sentences and smushed-together clauses, but a little variety is important for smooth reading.

The story itself is OK, and I'm sure traumatic for the participants, but it never really hooked me in. I heard about what happened, but never really felt that I cared. Some more introspection on the part of the narrator would probably help, and maybe some actual conversation with her and the rest of the family. Small daily events (the birthday was a good start) help the reader relate to the characters - like they were real live people!

Here are my specific errors and some simple suggested corrections. These are basically proofreading problems, not higher-level stuff like sentence structure and story elements. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Rochndil.

Inconsistent indention (P1 different than the rest)

My dad would leave for work early I[in] the morning[,] then wouldn't come home till['til or until] late at night.

I didn't see him much and when I did he was either past[passed] out or blacked out. [same thing, only need one]

He had gotten two more Dui[DUI] but that was the last straw.

[If he got] Five years I would almost be twenty by the time he would get out.

[If he got] Fifteen id[I'd or I would] almost be thirty[;] he would miss so much[,] maybe even my wedding.

With a good lawyer and a happy judge we[he] only got six months.

He told us how in jail the[y] made these burritos that had like[too colloquial, I'd omit] mayonnaise and ramen noodles in them.

H[e] also got his GED since he never went to high school.

With her crying she told us they found a mass in his brain the size of a grapefruit. [That seems a bit on the large side, since the human brain isn't much bigger than that to start with]

Me and him[We] would go to the church[chapel] in the hospital and just pray together.

He made a promise with[to] God that day that if God will save masons[Mason's] life he would never drink again. [The brother's name should have been mentioned when he was first introduced]

Most important[,] my mom does not deserve that what so ever[whatsoever].

My cousin tommy[Tommy] is falling[following] in my dad's footsteps.

He has just received his fifth dui[DUI] and that is a felony. [If this is correct, it should have been mentioned regarding the father]

My dad[,] [my] sister and I all[omit] were talking about his situation and my dad really opened up to me.

M7y[My] cousin tommy[Tommy] doesn't only drink he also does drugs[;] what I didn't know was [that] my dad also used to do drugs.

She was so drunk she couldn't even walk without the walls assistance. ["without leaning on the wall." maybe?]



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .