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 Review #4104573 |
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| (4.0)| Hi S Ferguson~ Prepping for Prep  . I'm JACE - House Targaryen , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Invalid Item" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. I thoroughly enjoyed your story, Miss Stephanie. Each story of yours I read is better than the previous. Your descriptions are very good, and I like when you use the short sentences. We both have the tendency to use long sentences in our writings. While they have their place, I find I get lost with long, run-on sentences while reading. It's something I have to guard against. I've noted a couple instances below.When I write a story, I worry about things implied. I want to leave no doubt as to my meaning with my reader. I noticed one small, arguably minor, example. Early in the story you stated Mary found the courage to go to the club to watch Anastasia. I took it that she went alone. Later, however, Charles brought her a drink. Again, a small thing, but it caused me to look at the story a little differently. I liked the fact that Anastasia stated she was inexperienced ... and proceeded to take charge of the seduction of Mary. Overall, a very enjoyable story.  Technical Presentation. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. I believe your last statement would be better if emphasized by making it a separate sentence. It was if I were watching a movie picture, one no one talked about in good company yet here it was happening right in front of me. It was if I were watching a movie picture, one no one talked about in good company. Yet, here it was happening right in front of me. Try to be more active in your writing, more direct. I believe it's more interesting for your reader, AND uses fewer words. It tightens up a story. Her gloves are what intrigued me the most. Her gloves intrigued me the most. A few wordsmith moments: ... fully exposed body Delete 'fully.' A soft, blue glow would be the only think covering her skin. Change think to thing. ... a dark green woman could only dream out. Change out to of. sweat-licked ?? Not sure what you mean. Again, these lines have two distinct thoughts. Separate them with a period. Also, re-read your final paragraph with this thought in mind. One night I had found the courage to go to the club, the nightlife was intoxicating. One night I had found the courage to go to the club. The nightlife was intoxicating. I regretted it and wished I had felt something more for him, but I never had and doubt I never would in the future. I regretted it and wished I had felt something more for him. But I never had, and doubted I would in the future.  My Rating. 4.0 . Paying attention to word-smithing and tightening your writing are the best things you can do. This happens by reading and re-reading your story, and making adjustments each time. Thank you for posting this offering.  Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/19/2015 @ 8:41am EDT