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Review #4105955
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Review by Jube
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: | (4.0)
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Hello,

The synopsis of this work looks interesting to me so here I am to do a review. I don't have a lot of reviews on this site, but on a smaller similar writer site, I've posted over 120 reviews so "I think" I know what I am doing on the review end. I prefer reading and writing medieval style heroic fantasy, and from what I gather this fits that category. I do incorporate in my review style mentions made to me by published authors and will also mention tactics used by the gods of fantasy writing over at TOR publishing like Brandon Sanderson & the late Robert Jordan. On to the review -

1st point - Almost every published author I reciprocal review with (I'm not published yet. They aren't big fish like Sanderson - yet.) has strongly advised to begin your chapter with an action sequence or unnerving thought. By contrast, it's recommended not to begin with dialogue as the reader feels thrown in the middle right off the bat without something to build upon first. But how do know that's right? Hmm, let's look at some big names and see do they begin chapter 1 with dialogue? Brandon Sanderson (i.e. Way of Kings) nope, Robert Jordan (Wheel of Time) nope, George R.R. Martin (Game of Thrones) nope, Terry Goodkind (Sword of Truth series) nope and so on. You could for example, start out by having Ele hurl a glass of wine to the stone floor smashing it. Then have him pace back and forth as you jump into narrator voice to describe what has Ele so angry. The dialogue can follow after that. I would also recommend while in narrator voice dropping in a bit about how Ele looks. From the dialogue I gather Ele is also a king? Narrator voice can also provide you the opportunity to briefly mention something about this. Example - King Ele was the third son of his father who had placed him in direct succession after coming to realize his older brothers lacked the sense to organize a barn let alone rule a kingdom.

“I'm trying my best to prevent him from having an excuse,” >> This line feels a bit awkward as it's not as direct as it could be since it depends on it's clarity to the reader from the previous statement. Example? [ “I'm trying not to give him an excuse to invade,”] The example uses a few less words and provides more impact using "invade". >> "Someone's at the front door!" She whispered in a terrified voice. // "Someone's at the front door -- their going to break in!" She whispered in a terrified voice.

His eyebrows slanted downwards >> This is a peculiar descriptive and causes the reader to refocus from the storyline to puzzling out a bit what this imagery looks like. I would recommend (IWR) just go with "frowned" which accomplishes the same thing and comes across to the reader in a more familiar way.

Warm frustration welled in his chest despite himself and he folded the message along the worn crease to shut it out >> I've got an issue with "warm" here. I take it you know you are assigning a physical sensation to a feeling which is never as good as matching apples to apples instead of oranges. Look at this example - Warm tears of frustration welled within his chest ...... Just by adding in tears I was able to match the sensation to something the sensation can actually register. Ironically, this paragraph is what I was referring to in making for a good chapter opening. Read this as an example and see how you feel about it opening your chapter versus the dialogue.

Who is Rilae? Maybe I missed it, but the first scene never tells me what relation "Rilae" is to Ele. A brother? A servant? A councilor? See by opening with narrative you could've dropped in this information and not left the reader confused as to who Rilae is. One could argue, "Well, later you find out who this is." Creative writing has a timing aspect to it. The reader will notice certain aspects left out if they are too obvious. Let's look at the opening paragraph to chapter 1 of Sanderson's Way of Kings - **Szeth-son-son-Vallano, Truthless of Shinovar, wore white on the day he was to kill a king. The white clothing was a Parshendi tradition, foreign to him. But he did as his masters required and did not ask for an explanation.** Look at all that information in narrative voice packed efficiently in one paragraph. As the reader: I know the full name of the character, his title or origin, something about what he is wearing, and what his purpose is as well as he is under orders and from who. Pretty damn good IMO and I still can't write like that (sorry my jealousy is showing a bit here) but it serves as a good example.

“Everyone is still going, I understand?” >> You've done a good job so far with keeping the vernacular in the realm of fantasy word speak. To continue that feel IWR replacing "understand" with "trust". This following participial phrase is awkward - <He asked as he shoved it aside> This verb used "shoved" is meant to go with something of size not a small letter. Example: I shoved the door open. He was in my way so I shoved him. Bad example - I shoved the pencil out of my way. I would keep the subjective and action close together for a better effect - Ele's fingers tightened over the letter, then let it fall to the floor. “Everyone is still going, I trust?”

With him on site it promised to be an interesting party. He could hardly refuse even if a pinch of anger still clenched at his insides at Scharn's informal, derogatory tone in his letters. Besides, though Rilae didn't say it he knew the other was worried about him just by the way his jaw clenched when he talked and that slight flick of his head >> Here is a similar disconnect. Who is Chanin? This narrative paragraph could have given something of Chanin's background or something noteworthy of the character and it was positioned in a prime spot to do so following the introduction of the name in dialogue. Example - "Did you know Tam will be there?" Tam was an aspiring author already recognized as one being preferred. Able to produce a good combination of dialogue mixed with pertinent narrative expectations were high from the medieval fantasy readers. /// So you see here a narrative immediately following the dialogue line adds to the reader's understanding of who Tam is.

derogatory tone in his letters >> IMO you should mention something in the earlier about the tone being insulting or derogatory. Without a previous mention it feels like a delayed reaction to see it down here. Yes, another example coming - Tam read the letter carefully......etc. etc. etc. *later* Tam thought about the derogatory tone of the letter. /// Compared to: Tam read the insulting letter carefully. Tossing it aside, Tam's anger was palpable throughout the room. So here we have a negative emotion provoked in the letter and an immediate reaction from the subject. In my complaint you find out the negative tone but the reaction of shoving the letter aside is out of order.

Summary of 1st scene: My biggest complaint there is a lot of name dropping and leaving the reader in the dark as to who they are or a bit about them (refer back to Way of Kings example). Of course you don't want to write huge sections of backstory on each name but drop something about them and then later in other chapters or further down you can add to it. You're very light to almost non-existent on descriptions and that isn't unusual for a paragraph or a few. It is unusual IMO for an entire scene to go by without any. Am I wrong that if we look at songs most of them have descriptions in them? She had long hair, His voice sent tingles down my back, I'm back in black (AC/DC). So it is with novels as well. IWR using more descriptions (likely not more than 2 or 3 at most so to avoid overkill aka purple prose) each time we meet a new character or the reader is shown a new surrounding (room, hallway, stable, road in the wilderness, etc.) The good points I felt in this scene - I can see you've got a good sense of constructing dialogue with tags and your prose is fairly efficient. I usually have to file a complaint of being too wordy with those I review, yet in your 1st scene that is not an issue at all. You started the reader with a clear problem for your Ele character and showed he is unsure how to resolve this setting up a conflict with an aggressor who needs to be dealt with carefully to avoid open warfare if possible.

Scene 2:

Something cracked in the shadows behind Ele >> passive voice - here you've moved the object and action in a prominent position over your subject. active voice example - Ele abruptly stopped at the first step. He heard something crack in the shadows behind him as he entered the ballroom from the back way.

He tossed his head, turned back to the door and thrust the handle down. >> missing comma in a series of 3 elements with the last element preceding a conjunction (and, or, but) - He tossed his head, turned back to the door[,] and thrust the handle down.

He hesitated and cast a glance over his shoulder[,] just in case, but all remained in uncomfortable silence. >> missing comma in front of parenteral clause

He tossed his head >> this is normally used to denote emotion not the action itself of returning to what's ahead. I.e. *She tossed her head, clearly miffed.*

He delayed too much to have time to jump at his own shadow. >> awkward to the degree your entire first scene doesn't have anything like this. It's not a huge deal where the reader will stop reading - it will cause a downgrade in their mind I think. Rewording this - He had delayed too long, and could not afford to be jumping at his own shadow.

Curtains swung down before him and he swept them aside with one arm as he strode into the room. >> this is a good example of the better than average writing you do. Here all the verb tenses are matched to past tense and the flow is smooth not disjointed.

Both directed their gazes back towards the celebration >> "directed" turns your verb into something awkward. Example - I directed my hand to pick up the pencil /// I moved my hand to pick up the pencil /// I picked up the pencil. So here IWR [Both looked back at the celebration.]

sweet and melodious >> comma before and after this as it is a separate element within the sentence.

King Ele observed everything with his arms crossed >> Well, you've got the same bad tendency my reviewers point out to me also. Subject and action are not as close together which makes for a stronger read. Example [King Ele with his arms crossed, observed everything ........etc.] On a different note, here in this 2nd scene you state his title and remind the reader it's King Ele, but in the first scene you let the reader deduce it from implication that he was the king. It's better to state his title in the beginning then simply refer to him as the king later on or Ele.

He was not engaged, and so did not have a partner. But he liked to watch just the same. >> He was not betrothed and had no partner. Even so, his presence at tonight's celebration was expected.

those that were not were the second born sons of the nearby lords or sweet ladies from the closest manors. >> I'd recommend you mention "bastards" as well for the not so favored but in attendance. If you are a minor lord and only have a bastard son to look to then you will treat him preferentially since he's all you have to continue your line. If you have sons of marriage then it goes the reverse. Replace "sweet" with "high born" or similar. In medieval times many of these ladies found at court had nothing sweet about them as they schemed or even dueled with each other to gain prominence. Look at how Samson ended up at the hands of Delilah, or John the Baptist when the daughter of the consort asked for his head as gift for dancing.

Lady Kirana, his younger cousin with dark hair and full skirts >> Now you do here, what I complained about earlier. Here is a well done introduction of a new character. We are given the name and a title also a description of being a younger cousin and even something about physical appearance.

but Fieren has it on him. >> I had to read this more than once to figure out what this was trying to say to the reader. I gather Fieren is another man, who also likes Lady Kirana, and the comment is about Fieren being more preferred between the two. Example [but she prefers Fieren to Lusiko.]

Rilae enquired, curious >> delete "curious" when you enquire it is understood you are doing so because you are curious - so here "curious" becomes redundant.

Rilae let out an amused snort. >> Here's that mutual problem I share with your writing again - the action verb is too far away from the subject forming a weaker subjective. Rewrite [Rilae snorted in amusement]

Lady Kirana wove her way through the crowd and away from her lover with expert strides. >> Huh? What lover? It was mentioned she wasn't clear yet who she wants between Fieren and Lusiko or is there someone else unmentioned? I think you might have meant the ones she was flirting with? So then refer to them as "admirers". Rewrite [Lady Kirana weaved her way through the crowd and away from her admirers with practiced strides.] word changes to: wove / lover / expert.

She pulled her full skirts a fraction above the ground >> since you already used "full skirts" here you are better off just using skirts as you've already established to the reader their length.

Glass shrieked, then exploded in the night to allow in gusts of cool air to play about the room. Tinkling followed as the shards broke into smaller pieces on the floor. Thick gloved fingers jabbed through the window and thrust back triangular shards of glass with sharp crackles. Yellow cloaks and engraved insignias caught Ele's eye. Rothens! >> Oh, very well done here. You started with the most noticeable action and this completely unexpected twist drops in after the reader has been lulled into complacency with the narrative of the celebration in progress. Also, you avoided a trap many novice to average writers fall into here. The action flows without being interrupted with character thoughts inserted. It's best to work this kind of event with pure action and no interruptions.

Rothens propelled themselves through the windows >> You've already mentioned they were going through the windows. Here you should change this to "as they entered the room."

Thick gloved fingers >> Thick, gloved fingers - when you have 2 adjectives that are interchangeable next to each other it requires a dividing comma

The yellow clad figures >> The yellow-clad figures - whenever you combine a descriptive with a color it's hyphened. i.e. The gray-colored man.

Lyres crashed to the floor and feet smacked against the ground as they rushed away. Most of them slipped through the servant exit of the room without resistance. >> well done. This is what servants would do. They aren't being forced to remain and have no reason to mortgage their lives especially since they are unarmed and likely untrained for combat.

panther like >> panther-like

Blood dyed their bright blades red and stifled the deadly gleams >> the stifled part isn't working well for you here. Example - Blood dyed their bright blades red, and dripped blood across the floor adding to the horrific scene.

flung their arms about the living[,] >> missing comma

watched his courtiers' slaughter. >> watched the slaughter. From the previous descriptions the reader knows who is at the celebration already - minus the fleeing servants.

Every time the swords struck the muffled hiss of metal against bone felt as if it dug into his own chest and cut his flesh. >> need commas to keep this from running together >> Each time the swords struck, the muffled hiss of metal against bone, it felt as if the blades were digging into his own chest, and cutting his flesh.

But he was gutted inside >> replace gutted with "torn"

Ele let her, though he hated unnecessary physical contact. >> I can see now why he is without a partner.

Summary of scene 2: I got a description and some detail on Lady Kirana before hearing about Rilae who I still don't know anything about except the name. It's implied he's a subordinate to the king, but of what authority is unknown. This scene contains the "hook" and major action event described perfectly at a very good time. King Ele is led to believe it was Rothens but that could still be a ruse to fool him. This adds to the intrigue for the reader. I would strongly recommend adding in something to show the reader Rilae has a weapon. The way it is now it looks like he ran off to fight for his king without anything.

Scene 3:

The lords thereabout sent messengers with letters requesting news from their sons and daughters, either for a return note from the said child if they were alive, or their body if they were not. >> Huh? If your child is possibly dead you aren't going to send a messenger, you are going to show up with everything you've got in person. Rewrite example [The lords began to arrive accompanied with their men-at-arms demanding news of their sons or daughters. Some left with tears of joy in their eyes holding their child, others left with tears of anguish and a corpse.]


Some of the letters he knew the nobles they belonged to were still alive. >> a bit awkward. [He knew some of the nobles the nobles inquired after were still alive]

It came from by the window.

The window gleamed black >> I don't want to get too technical here but the color black is the absence of light so it can't gleam as there's no light reflection. Use - The window was black within the faint light inside his room

soft shriek of metal >> these are opposites of each other - soft vs shriek. Example - The heavy metal vocalist softly shrieked out the lyrics to the maddening cheers of an adoring crowd. See how that didn't make sense pairing those 2? Use - soft scratching of metal or similar instead.

His gleaming sword point thrust beneath the Rothen's chin. >> Oh so Ele does have a sword. Back at the scene of the attack he didn't draw it and no mention was made of anyone else having one. I had thought there was some rule about having no weapons or such that he followed also. It was a bit puzzling.

long[,]slender object >> interchangeable adjectives need comma divider.

window shrieked as it slid up >> you have a habit of favoring this word. I suggest you go back and make sure you don't use it more than say twice in the entire chapter. Don't feel bad about it. This is quite common. I regularly review an author with 3 published novels working on her 4th and she has a penchant for using "prudent" in several places without realizing it. I'm sure somewhere I've got the same thing within my chapters too.

His gleaming sword point thrust beneath the Rothen's chin. >> "gleaming" is another one you like to use a lot. Here Ele doesn't know at this point it's a Rothen he suspects it only so in narrative you shouldn't say Rothen's. Rewrite example [His needle-sharp sword tip nestled under the stranger's chin.]

It weighed so much that his muscles shrieked in protest >> The weight caused his muscles to scream in protest

but the yelps of the Rothen >> but the cries of the falling Rothen

made a weird keening sound >> use strange in place of weird for more appropriate fantasy speak.

Logic problem >> If Ele had to use a special key to open the heavy, locked door to Karina's room, how did anyone get inside to kill her?

Summary of scene 3:

There only a few errors that I found in this scene and it continues the assassination attempt we saw from scene 2. Writing action flow is definitely a strong point for you. Overall, the action sequences make sense and flow well.

Overall thoughts:

Your writing is clearly beyond a novice level. Narrative is for the most part efficient and not overly long and wordy. POV for this 3rd person writing is solid and pronouns refer correctly back to the characters without confusion when used. The ordering of events is reasonable and expected to flow in the direction they are set in - Ele discusses a major problem - attends a celebration - an attack occurs - the aftermath is displayed to the reader with a continued attempt and finally a tragedy that motivates the main character to take action - declare war.

What should you work on? IWR that you look at some of the occurances and picture how they would happen to help your descriptions. If a sword is covered in blood will it shine with a gleam? There's not a lot you need to weigh since the prose is fairly efficient as I mentioned. Work in a few more descriptions and make sure they don't repeat themselves. Watch for logic bombs or unexplained events that the reader will wonder why nothing is said about it. The celebration Ele was attending was it ever mentioned what was being celebrated? What was the occasion?

Well, that's enough from me. I don't do a lot of reviews but the ones I do are thorough - at least I like to think so.

I'm giving this 4 stars. I haven't found anyone yet who merits a 5 star rating. That's when I can't find any comma issues, conflicting ideas, etc. This is clearly above an novice to average writer work so it deserves better than a 3 for certain.

Write on!

























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