WHAT I LIKED BEST: Once I understood it, the “outside-looking-in” dialog of the “Urrrlurr’fd people”.

WHAT I WOULD CHANGE: Add some specificity to what is going on. A name for Urrrlurr'fd's captain? A location/description of General Smith? Was that lady with the silver eyes At'lat'n?

OPENING: This can go one of two ways, either simpler dialog, or add context/description.

With nothing but dialog, it’s just disembodied voices. This can be used to keep the mystery of the characters alive, but usually in the context of something we already know intimately ( See: “They’re Made Out Of Meat”). However, if you want to keep just dialog (which I fully support, I like it as a story-telling technique), I’d suggest making it even shorter and more direct (which also goes along with “make every word count”). Such as,

“Yes corporal Urrrlurr’fd?”
“Sir, we’re getting signals from the Lurrd’blesh 221 cluster.”
“That’s inhabited by class two swine. Why waste my time with them?”
“Well, sir, their [sci-fi stuff] signal attracted the attention of a nearby class 5 plasma entity.”
“Then they’ve been destroyed. Case closed.”
“No sir, that’s why I called you…”

Or something.

Now if you want to keep the dialog more complex, I’d recommend adding context and descriptions. A good way to add context is by making the point of view semi-omniscient. What is Urrrlurr’fd’s captain thinking or feeling?

A point of confusion: we change perspectives and places immediately after the introduction. I thought at first that General Smith was the “sir” Urrrlurr’fd was referring to. Make it perfectly clear we are now somewhere else. A time/date stamp is a quick and easy way to do this in sci-fi. Such as,

“Stardate 59-432-675 Aboard the cruiser-class starship Ectheleon” or something.

Especially in sci-fi/fantasy, readers need something to grab onto, some lifeboat to ride on through the strange new world you’re creating. So, I’d recommend a central, relatable character for semi-omniscient narration (it seems somewhat like you’re doing this with General Smith?).

PLOT: In a short story, you only have enough time and space for a very clear plot line, and you need to present it in such a way to not confuse your audience. After reading through the story a few times for this review, I finally understood what happened (and I freaking loved it!). I would recommend making the progression of events more clear by emphasizing the main points. It can be as simple as making the main plot points their own lines. Such as,

“The subject is immediate relocation.”
…
“Ladies and gentlemen. Time is the problem, but also the solution.”
…
“Begin isolation.”
…
“Where had the galaxies gone? They were alone.”

Or something.

POINT OF VIEW: Switches around between 3rd person (hearing the conversations) and 3rd person semi-omniscient of multiple people. Tricky to pull off. I’d suggest condensing it down to one or two characters' POV if you can.

WORD CHOICE: I would try drastically changing word choice between the different sections of the story to help further differentiate where the reader is (swine have very emotional language while the “Urrrlurr’fd people” are very cold and dark? Something like that).

DIALOG: I like to tell myself. “It’s dialog, not dialong.” Keep it short. The story should be told by you, not your characters. In order to do this, you need to paint a picture and create a character. For example:

“This is General Smith of Colony Defense. I’m calling an emergency council. The subject is the massive, immediate relocation to safer, well-defended colonies.”

Can become:

“This is General Smith of Colony Defense. I’m calling an emergency council meeting concerning immediate, wide-scale evacuation.” Or something.

The two clichés of short story writing I’m trying to demonstrate here are “Show, don’t tell” and “Make every word count.” A good example of “show, don’t tell” is making a character’s words define how they say something, instead of telling us how they said it.

Where you write, “Yes and no. It’s too late to help those under attack. … The radiation environment is too lethal.” I would recommend instead of saying “She choked out a reply”, use her dialog word choice and an action to show that she is distraught. Such as,

“ Yes… and no.” Dr. Leeda swallowed, her hand clenching into a fist. “It’s too late for the systems inside the wave front. The radiation is lethal.” Her jaw set and she turned to the General. “However, I believe we can create a dark matter defense system.” Or something.

SCENE/SETTING: This is where I would recommend beefing up. Describe the interior of the ship, the hospice bed, and the audience Dr. Chandra is addressing. It doesn't have to be long. Just a short sentence or two to help the reader to visualize and become immersed in the story.

GRAMMAR/TYPOS: “I had a guess, and when I saw what their settlement my theory was confirmed. See?” – Remove “what”?

OVERALL: Okay, my first impression was “What the heck just happened?” but then after reading it a dozen times to make this review, I understood what was going on and absolutely loved it! Sadly, the average reader can’t read a story a dozen times, so I’d suggest making it more clear. You obviously have a terrific imagination and you know exactly what is happening in the world you created, but to share it with us you need to take us by the hand and show us step by step. Especially in short stories. You don’t have the time to explain through context clues. In all, though, I really liked it!

Disclaimer: If you're not happy with my rating, revise it and I'll be happy to review it again!

Also, no matter what I wrote, I mean no offense. I just suggest and comment, you're the one who wrote it. Ultimately you're the boss, creator, judge, and jury of your story. You know best. And no matter what, keep writing! :)


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .