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Review #4133733
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Review by Satuawany
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Rated: | (4.5)
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This is very grand chapter, especially during that wedding. It invited me to just sit and soak it all up. And I'm getting more exposure to all the players in the royal court. You know, it reminds me of those novels with huge casts and all this political maneuvering, and conspiracies and such. Those novels usually have some list of the cast at the beginning, but the good ones don't need those lists. And yours is like that; I don't need such a list.

You name a lot of people, but I don't feel like it's up to me to keep up with who everybody is. That's because I already feel like if they're going to show up again, you'll help me remember who they are. And the more major players are definitely lodging in my mind—like the royal families, Renato, and Brezay. Ooh, and William and Edwynne, of course. (And on the sidelines of memory reside Melbane and his Manaj-Blood servant, along with a few others.) And always in the background, with me wondering (in a good way) when he'll show up again, is Paloo.

I'm just really enjoying the procession at this point, and the pace invites me to do that. All right, let's get into the nuts and bolts and then I'll see what thoughts knock around for discussion after that.


the first barge carrying the Crown Prince
         Because of the structure of the rest of your sentence, I really think this should be: first barge, which carried
         As it's structured now, it sounds like the prince, princess, duke, and duchess are actually spread out on more than one barge. The new structure clears that up, putting them all on the same barge—the first one.

William thought for sure he'd be chosen
         This paragraph makes it sound like he's about to have a very harried journey. It's awesome world-building. What I'm not sure about, though, is why William thought he'd be chosen as one of the honor guard on the barge. *Confused* And that's a bit (just a bit, though) distracting.

He knew him on sight.
         This was already apparent, since he was named in William's POV, and it's even more apparent in William's direct thoughts right after this. And so this sentence kind of sticks out like a sore thumb, both because it's redundant and because it's between William's dialogue and direct thoughts. I think cutting it would make the reading smoother.

“Listen carefully,” Brezay said breathing hard.
         Needs a comma: Brezay said, breathing hard.

gone,” William yelled urging his horse
         And another needed comma: yelled, urging
         Also, it made me grin that he was perturbed about the job he was about to have, but if he'd gotten onto a barge, he wouldn't have had this assignment! I get the feeling that this is step one to seeing his character come into more direct contact with the other main players. And I look forward to seeing the journey.

The flower decorated barge turned
         You're needing a hyphen here: flower-decorated
         More great world-building, showing off these canals and the people crowding to see them pass. Your city is awesome.

like a great fat, jeweled toad
         A most excellent simile! (And more rich world-building with this dome and its background + Ludger's words and attitude about it.)

this exercise over with.” Ludger said
         That period should be a comma.

Ludger, wearing a long, dark purple tunic with silver-plate inserts, she knew had no such thoughts about his appearance.
         An oddly arranged sentence. It almost works, but that "she knew" seems misplaced. Maybe try seeing how it looks at the beginning of the sentence instead?

the King's brother, the Duke of Celine followed
         Missing a comma: Celine, followed

better known as ‘Rudi,' who stepped off their barge
         The word "who" makes this sentence a hard-to-follow fragment. Deleting the word "who" makes it a complete sentence.

than I expected.” Ludger
         That period should be a comma.

From the position of the figures it proved difficult to determine who was paying homage to whom.
         Most excellent world-building with even some hint at characterization of king and pope—er, High Priest. *Bigsmile* Awesome!

you know that,” Renato said his voice warm
         Missing a comma: said, his
         Also, I like seeing this guy in different circumstances—we saw him alone with his son in the previous chapter, and now we see him in his official capacity, and yet he's still a real person with his godson. Good stuff. Makes for well-rounded characters and a believable group dynamic. (Plus, it just makes everybody more memorable and that's so important with a big cast!)

Nostrom King's Watch rode into the plaza merging symbolically
         Missing a comma: plaza, merging

as the next barge docked carrying
         And another one: docked, carrying

bridegroom?” someone called,
         That comma should be a period.

Master Steward, and another courtier, walked with him.
         The second comma insinuates that the Master Steward is another courtier, not that there's the Master Steward and another courtier. (I actually thought that's what this sentence meant up until Brezay introduced Ben Lamb.) Take that comma out and you're all good: another courtier walked

“Too late,” Gregory said,
         That second comma should be a period.

his spirited mount into view leading
         Missing a comma: view, leading

The Manaj-Blood led their master's horse away leaving
         The "their" makes it sound like there's more than one Manaj-Blood. If you're trying to avoid using a pronoun, I'd reword to make a pronoun unnecessary. Easiest fix would be: The Manaj-Blood led Melbane's horse
         Also, you're missing a comma: away, leaving

“Master Fortez, our thanks again!”
         See, that he notices and acknowledges Brezay puts points on the side of him being likeable. I am still hoping for it. I just think there's far more going on with this boy/guy than we're able to at all guess just yet. It definitely keeps me watching him. (Obviously. Heh.)

to the canal where the mellow peal of horns announcing the approach of Rudegund IV and was quickly drowned
         Gotta be careful with these long sentences. If they're not perfectly structured, they just don't work. Just one little verb form is tripping the sentence up right now. Try this: peal of horns announced the approach

the inactivity of waiting dissolved into a select group of elaborately dressed men moving to the front of the cathedral doors.
         This wording is difficult to follow. It reads like "waiting," as a substance, dissolved into the men, rather than what I think you mean—that waiting became movement.

tiered gold headdress and floor length robes of gold and black
         floor-length
         I'm imagining a headdress that's a sort of mix of Ra's headdress on Stargate and something like a papal headdress. Which sounds like a bizarre thing to hold a mental image of, but in my head, it's spectacularly awesome, though I realize it doesn't really mesh up with "tiered". My mental image is pretty much all based on my brain equating this guy with a pope + all the sun imagery associated with this God of Light. I'm not making any kind of suggestion for change at all—I'm just sharing what your descriptions and what the feeling of your world has put into my head. And saying that I'm enjoying it immensely. *Bigsmile*

“Welcome back, my Liege,”
         I'm not 100% positive, but I'm about 80% sure that the "My" in "My Liege" should also be capitalized when one is addressing a monarch. I did all my study of royal titles and when they should and shouldn't be capitalized about ten years ago, and trends have changed since then—having practically become rules. That's why you're not getting a thousand comments on when "King" and "Prince" and all that should and shouldn't be capitalized.

and then smoothly turn his back on the prelate gesturing for Adrian
         Couple of things, here. One: smoothly turned his back
         And two: prelate, gesturing

So much for who's in control, Belline thought.
         Dude, right? So believable, though, this subtle struggle for being the one seen as in control—that isn't so subtle only because the players are in the highest positions of the land. Excellent job of juggling this and making it believable.

stopped Adrian before he could bow, instead he embraced the startled
         You have a comma splice here. My instinct would be to either make the comma a semicolon or shift a couple of words thusly: bow, instead embracing the

the wedding processional.”Everyone watching held
         You're missing some space before "Everyone" here.
         Also, I practically held my breath, too. It sure looks like Renato's suspicions are being confirmed, that there's something fishy about this whole peace treaty/marriage thing. I'm reserving judgment about it whether the fishiness is a good thing or a bad thing, but I am completely convinced there's something fishy going on. And I definitely want to know what it is—and this is a fabulous hook.

“You know I will, Grandmaster.”
         I really want to know how he said this—I'd really like to have a description of his tone or posture or expression or anything along those lines that gave me a hint about whether he was calm, nervous, sad, angry, or whatever. After such an ominous-sounding request from Renato, not knowing with what emotion Ludger responded is feeling like a huge hole. Especially since Ludger has been venting his feelings so far.

To live like an accepting vegetable?
         Right? Well, of course, I can imagine that would be expected, but I am so hoping that Belline wouldn't be that way. From what I've gathered of her in her POV, I don't think she would. Oh, I think she could give the appearance that she did, but there's be much more going on, were this her. On the flipside, it should probably make me wonder if there isn't more going on with Celona's seeming acceptance, but I really get the feeling that, with her, what you see is basically what you get. Oh, no one's quite that shallow, but she fits the stereotype—at least in my impression thus far. She could always surprise me of, of course, and I wouldn't call foul.
         Man, I am all into these characters, hanging on every detail. This is awesome!

The Head Priests walked together followed by priests
         Missing a comma: together, followed

an endless, white caterpillar moving on a cloud of incense.
         Love this simile. And this whole procession, too. I just sat back and enjoyed the show as everyone moved in for the wedding.

Trumpets interrupted with a shrill call, voices chanted in response
         Comma splice. I think the easiest, smoothest fix here would be to add the word "and" before "voices." The jury's out on whether or not the comma should stay in that case. I think that's probably a stylistic choice, depending on how you want the sentence to read, in this case.

Nostrom eagles; his expression serious
         This sentence is so long that the semicolon is distracting. Plus, it's not really correct as what comes after is not an independent clause. (There are, of course, other semicolon rules that maybe make this one technically correct, but I'm on shaky ground in such cases; I'm not sure. But, the sentence is so long anyway, so…) …I think it would make things read more smoothly, with less strain, if you just made that semicolon a period and reworded the next bit to make it a complete sentence. Even something as simple as this: eagles. His expression was serious

Eleanor's walk seemed stiff and uncomfortable.
         Awesome detailing, especially when it's pointed out how heavy her garments must be. Just goes to make it all the more "real."

He looked stunned.
         *Laugh*

at noon flooded the platform transforming
         Missing a comma: platform, transforming
         And excellent display. Perfecting fitting such an ostentatious event. And I am wondering how symbolic this is. I mean, I totally get the way they must all see it as symbolic—having the sun as "God's Light" shine down on the newlyweds in such a way, just after their nuptials. But what I'm wondering is about deeper symbolism—the kind for the reader to see. My brain wants to read this as an omen of some sort, though I'm not sure at all if it's a good omen or a bad one. The point is, it has been noted, it will be remembered, and my brain will wonder if there's a way to fit whatever happens from here on out into the fact that the sun shone on this couple so soon after their marriage.

Bells rang merging with a choral
         Missing a comma: Bells rang, merging

had chosen for Eleanor; his own mount close behind.
         I see no reason that semicolon shouldn't be a comma.

Eleanor stopped to untie the binding straps,
         This made me like her, that she's untying that, and letting it drop without much of a care for it. Well, that and the horse brightens her spirits. And the fact that the horse brightens her spirits gives Adrian points, in my mind. (And I realize she's a thirteen-year-old girl and "Yay, pretty horse!" is a pretty common happy place for a thirteen-year-old girl. But she's also lived her whole life as a princess in Carfane, rather than a suburbanite in the US, so she's not at all the kind of thirteen-year-old girl to be taken by the suburbanite-thirteen-year-old girl stuff. And so it is notable. And that's what makes it cool.)

“By the Light!” Ludger exclaimed, “The girl's
         Either that comma needs to be a period, or this needs to look like this: Light," Ludger exclaimed, "the girl's
         And it made me grin that Eleanor has such nerve, and that she seems to be enjoying herself.

Obter Guard followed by the King's Watch thundered
         You're missing two important commas. Without them, it looks like that "by" should be an "as". The commas go here and here: Guard, followed by the King's Watch, thundered
Heh, and I like how Belline and Ludger seemed as entertained as I am that Eleanor stole the spotlight. And, additionally, that everyone has to scramble to keep up.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Note* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

Ooh, I really like your ending—that visual of the sunlight against the feeble candlelight. They went in with only candlelight, and they leave all this sunlight behind. These are bright-seeming omens. I hope they hold true, for Eleanor's sake. And because I just really hope Adrian's a good guy.

I'm really wondering where things will go from here. The last couple of chapters have been so definitely leading up to this wedding that, now that it's over, it feels like just about anything could happen next. And that's an excellent feeling right now. With all the intrigue and character introductions, I am definitely wanting to read on and see where it goes next.

I haven't forgotten Paloo, by the way. Well, the wedding and the lead-up to it definitely took my mind off him, but that's as things should be; I never forgot him. But now I’m thinking about him again in a more upfront way, wondering when we'll see him again. Just so you know.

I haven't even glanced at the next chapter yet, so if it's in his POV I'm going to laugh. *Laugh*

And speaking of that next chapter, I'm going to get this review sent off so I can get to that chapter. I am most eager to see where this is going next!

*Dragon* Chy


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