Greetings, I am reviewing your work because I'm interested in Steampunk fiction and want to encourge it where I can.

In this initial chapter there is little that I would identify as steampunk. We are being introduced to characters who's whole lives have been spent in Yericho so that is to be expected. If it is your intention to include steampunk tropes you might have thrown a few details in to suggest this with the posse who came out to get Daggan. Another thought might be the "farm" they are working and it might be that the technology is there and in your mind, but I wasn't astute enough to recognize it. If that is the case and I am at all an example of what might be expected of a reader you might have to be more overt about the steampunky hints.

Such things should be organic to your story, however, so I would include caution with my suggests. There is always the danger of too much of a good thing (or that what I suggest isn't good at all).

So, instead we have a very Supernatural beginning. An immortal is cluing in her progeny about her condition (gifting? curse?) This chapter begins and ends with reminders that we are getting this story told to one immortal by another. It is a little less clear to me internally that this is the narrator's object as I had to go back to the beginning to assure myself that this was indeed the case.

Despite the multiple murders, lies leading to the death of a beloved, and inklings about immortality this first chapter didn't grab me. With all this potential we end up with a story about deciding to move away and someone who might not be blamed for viewing their parent with hatred mildly going along. It seems there is room for a bit more pathos.

I also found things a bit confusing and I'm not sure it really needs to be. Popular people killed by son of weird woman with secrets might be enough to have the girl's prospective inlaws not just willing, but insisting on her staying with them. Law might intend to prosecute and she may have needed to flee. Her daughters condition might make her feel she HAD to take her even against her will. It might be better to find out she is okay with it in the next chapter where hurt feelings and fear that her daughter DOES blame her can create tensions.

Another thing I would point out is that many of the vibrant and believable people from this beginning will be left in the dust. Perhaps it is me advocating shallowness which seems a bad idea, but rather I point out these who will be left behind in relation to the daughter who will be coming along despite being one of the less interesting characters you've written to this point.

Beyond these thoughts I feel your first chapter was technically well written. There were some sections that confused me. I don't think the problem was grammar. If you require more specifics I would be happy to drill down more and dig through things to supply better examples substantiating my impressions.

If I had to sum up in a sentence I might say: "I was intrigued by the back cover description, but a little disappointed by the first chapter." Would I be disappointed enough not to go on to the second chapter? Maybe or maybe not, but why risk it?

Very nice idea, but I think you can start things out with a hook that is better attached to the ongoing story.

LSO


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .