A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, A group for those dedicated to writing and reviewing speculative fiction.

Tube Child - part 2
by Tobber

Back again with Kara, the Tube Child. I had to go back an re-read part 1 and my review to remember what it was about. Now, I'm ready to try a new in-depth using my Word Flag List. I did a search for All and then highlighted the words that showed up.

>>> The third lesson of high school Kara also learned from Jessica, the fourth from Simon Leddings.
Of course I think we both agree that the scenes of this story will work better if reassembled into chronological order. As it is now, we're starting with backstory, jumping to the high school period.

>>> ...ended up dating Simon a few months into their junior year.
This introduces Simon like we should already know who he is. There is more story here that is missing. Who is this Simon guy that would date a First Gen. What are the circumstances of that happening?
Note that this paragraph is telling back story.

>>> Kara was never really sure she loved him, but she felt loved and that was more than she’d ever hoped for. She would do anything for him, and he was there for her when she’d had a particularly bad day. So when her dad died, it was Simon went to, to unload her troubles.
There are 4 'was' and 2 'when' and 2 'to' in this passive, backstory paragraph. The last sentence is missing a word. It would be much more interesting to show an active scene of the 'had a particularly bad day'. The whole backstory would be gone and instead we've have live action dialogue. And we'd get to see something of Simon. [Offering sympathy.] (?)

>>> Jessica had{,b} somehow learned how Kara’s father had died, stumbling down the stairs while trying to pull on his sweater, cracking his skull open against the steps. All day had{,b} been one long stream of insults focusing on how her dad clearly was half-wit which must’ve been why he couldn’t get her mom pregnant.
Another emotional backstory scene filled with great dialogue, and include the next paragraph as part of it. 'All day had been one long stream...' It could be a great bullying scene with Kara trying to defend and argue. (?)
Note technically: There are 2 'had' and 2 'been' in paragraph. I don't think you need a comma after 'died', but you do need a comma before 'which'. And 'was half-wit' maybe should be 'half-witted'. (?)

>>> Halfway through the day she’d gotten so angry she almost forgot the second lesson and punched Jessica’s stupid face again.
I think this belongs with the previous scene: 'All day had been one long stream...' >Note it's still telling a backstory. We'd like to see Jessica being an evil bitch pushing Kara to the breaking point and then her re-gaining control.

>>> She went straight over to Simon’s place after school,
The mother line hangs out, not connected to her action.
This action is part of a transition as a result of the scene with Jessica and her gang. Very emotional. >She went:< Running, driving, bicycle?
> Increase tension by going home first and finding mom gone with a note. (?)

>>> The patio door barely swung open before Kara thrusted herself into Simon arms, soaking his shirt at the shoulder.
This is the first live action so far. The word would be >thrust< and it's >Simon's<. Some initial dialogue from Simon would build the scene.

>>> She was so absorbed in her own misery that she didn’t realize that something off was until five minutes later when he tried to pull free.
Awkward. Some action and dialogue? Note the 2 'was' and a 'when' that makes distance.

>>> She drew back and saw the pained expression on his face.
(Suggest:) >>>She drew back. He stood rigid, his face frowning.

>>> “Then don’t.” Her tears were turning her cheeks into river valleys.
2 'her' and 'were'...
>>>“Then don’t.” Tears turned her cheeks into river valleys.

> Note that active voice is always shorter and more direct.

>>> She was out of there not five seconds later.
>>> She slammed out the door five seconds later.

>>> Simon was a nice guy, but that apparently didn’t mean he wasn’t a s***ty little coward.
Note the 2 uses of 'was'.
>>> Simon acted like a nice guy, but that apparently didn’t stop him from behaving like a s***ty little coward.

***
>>> This was why she was going to be a lawyer instead of a teacher or doctor like her mom wanted.
This is an extension of her angry walk. Think live action inner thoughts instead of passive narrative.

>>> She kept aiming straight for her dorm, though she knew she wouldn’t get any reading done. Maybe it was some sort of karma for sliding through the newsfeeds instead of paying attention during the lecture. But it had just been so boring, basic stuff everyone should know from high school already. Besides, if karma really existed, then why the hell where these three synths beaten half to death in New Jersey last night? Jesus, one of them was only twelve years old. What could a twelve year old ever have done to deserve something like that?
>>> Why am I going to the dorm? I'm not going to read anything. Damn, maybe it's some kind of karma for...etc...
Turn this paragraph into internal dialogue in KARA's voice. How would she think it during her emotionally upset walk? The action of walking across campus (location?) becomes part of the dialogue. (grass, sidewalk, other students)

>>> Of course, Rheinbeck was there leading the idiots along, but even though they weren’t many -- fifteen, twenty at the most -- it was still more than his usual gang.
What does she SEE? What are they doing? Do they see her immediately or she is a distance away? What is the physical location that she wouldn't see them until she turned a corner or...? The story is building tension from her angry thoughts to this next step-up in conflict.

>>> She had to force her fists from trembling. She had half a mind to walk over there and set them straight, but she knew it wouldn’t turn out the way she hoped. Rheinbeck and his gang had never crossed the line from harassment to violence, but they’d come damned close a few times.
Note the 3 uses of 'had'. Narrative can be replace with an inner dialogue argument with herself in the moment, not a wordy telling. She is also aware of her physical tension and has a desire to control it. (more conflict)

>>> And from the looks of it, his face all read from shouting,
And from the looks of it, his face all >red< from shouting,

>>> It looked like she was going to have to take the long walk home,
(rewrite) looked like? was going?

>>> There was a shout from the group of protestors drowning out the rest,
...drowning out the rest of what?
>>> The group of >protesters< shouted, but she didn't look back until...

>>> She was just about to give in; she could still make it if she turned around and ran now.
However, she could still make it if she turned around and ran now.

>>> If she backed down now, then who was to stop their protests from growing?
If she backed down now, who >would< stop their protests from growing?

>>> The next second Rheinbeck was there, all up in her face, shouting that she didn’t belong here, that she was taking up a spot from a real human.
Why not live action dialogue? it's more powerful and cruel.

>>> And then she was surrounded. Sweaty bodies were pressing in on her, the stench acrid and sour. Signs were poking her in the side, shouts coming from everywhere at once, intangible slurs that made her cheeks red hot and every muscle in her body tighten.
They surrounded her. Sweaty bodies pressed in on her, their stench acrid and sour. Signs poked her in the side, shouts came from everywhere at once, intangible slurs that made her cheeks red hot and every muscle in her body tighten.
It would be stronger if we heard a couple of the intangible slurs before her reaction. It feels wordy with this last phrase.

>>> ...she lurched forward and planted her knuckles right in his eye socket.
See... you can write great, real-time action! The story becomes alive.

>>> He whimpered and tried to stagger backwards, but the crowd was in his way. She tried to punch him again before her hand began throbbing with pain, no doubt having broken a few bones. But someone grabbed a hold of both her arms before she could do anything. And then she was going down.

She struggled to stay on her feet, but protesters were pressing down on her from right, left, and behind. She did manage to land a kick against Rheinbeck’s left knee. It was weak, but it was enough to send him tumbling.
>The above two paragraphs have 4 'was' and a 'were'.
Revise them out of passive— into real-time action. It's essentially battle mode type of writing: short, sharp sentences to match the pace of a fight.

>>> It felt like the world was stepping on her head,
It felt like the world stepped on her head,

>>> ...but that was barely recognizable

>>> The shouting grew in intensity, and even though the world was hazy and spinning way too fast, she saw the circle was breaking up overhead.
(SEE and HEAR in her head that is in pain) ...she saw the circle???

>>> She glanced back at the fighting -- mostly because her was turned that way anyway, and she was pretty sure turning it would cause even more pain.
Word missing? Change to active. Get in her head. Anyway the 'because' is out of the action and her inner condition.

>>> ...the guy who was obviously leading the opposition...
...the guy who obviously led the opposition...

|||||||||||||||||||||||||
HALFWAY COMMENT:
I'm going to stop here and do this next part as another review. Not much on the board right now. As you can see my word-flag system is thorough and I didn't touch on all of them. Again I say, the story is all there, it just needs to be moved out of mostly passive narration, which is first draft "getting the story down."
Don't lose track of Kara's appearance, it's so important to continually justify her difference from the normals. Those physical references I guess would come from the bullies and protesters. Her internal conflict is a real physiological study.
Sometimes I wonder what she's thinking if she touches her face or hands. Does she hate her physical self? I think some nice moments early on with Simon would be a contrast with all the later hate. We don't see her happy very often. I see so much potential, Tobias.
Best, Gale

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .