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 Review #4526959 |
   |  | ruwth is writing...  [18+] I will be adding stories & reflections as time marches on. Take a gander today!  |
| (4.0)| Hi, ruwth ! Overall Thoughts My first impressions of your story. Hello, and thank you for requesting a review over at "Beneath The Surface Reviews " .  It was a pleasure to read your fictionalized account by the Apostle John—a preface of sorts. It was an interesting read, and the voice of the narrative was just perfect for the tone of the story. In a few places, I found myself wanting more. I'll try to explain why below.— Character/Plot/Description: On the one hand, this is a fictional account of scriptures millions of people value, and I appreciate how wonderfully and sensitively you addressed the topic. On the other hand, you've taken care to mention that this is fictional, so I'd really like to get some of John's emotional responses and a smidge more of his personality. During those highly tense and/or amazing moments, you included details like "we were shocked," but I'd love to see you explore a bit more about how John felt in your fictionalized account of his experiences. At the moment, the story feels a bit farther away than I want it to. Judas's betrayal and the crucifixion, especially, were moments where I really wanted to get more insight into your first-person POV character. The great thing about first-person narrative is that it allows readers to be extremely close to the POV character. I'd love to see you take advantage of that. I can see the fictional elements, but this does sometimes feel like an abridged account with occasional biblical quotes and references rather than a personal and emotional letter/prayer for guidance from John to Jesus. Of course, I completely understand if taking that step isn't something you feel comfortable with. Digging a little deeper...Here, I'll note anything that stood out.  John is thinking, praying, and reminiscing... — Everything that comes after this is an intimate first-person narrative. I'd suggest cutting this line. Starting with John's first-person narrative would be more powerful... especially because it's immediately clear that John is thinking, praying, and reminiscing, so it seems redundant to be told that he is.Folks hold my words in such high esteem — "Folks" seems oddly informal for the otherwise formal tone of this reminiscence.But, I know I must be careful what I write. — Comma not necessaryI want them to understand you existed before our time together and live to this day and forever. I want them to know you are with God and you are God and will live forever. — Ending two sentences in the same way felt just a tiny bit jarring for me.willingly surrender to your lordship. — "Lordship" makes Jesus sound like an earthly ruler, not a spiritual one.YOU are the Messiah, the anointed one we were waiting for(,) but John didn't realized that until you came to him for baptism. — comma needed; realize you knew where he was sitting under the fig tree before you actually were able to see him there with your natural sight. — This feels a tiny bit wordy to me. Perhaps you knew where he was sitting under the fig tree before you even saw him?In her later years, Mary told me she knew when she asked, you would do something to help them. — I was confused about who "they" are in this sentence.There were still more miracles to follow. A crowd had been following you and when a young boy brought his lunch to you, you multiplied the loaves and the fish until everyone was fed. Then you explained you were indeed the true bread of life. — (tiny bit of repetition); Also, this is such a fascinating account, and this is one case where I really think including some specific, vivid descriptions of John's feelings and responses would be powerful.And yet, one of the twelve you had chosen would ultimately betray you. It is still hard for me to believe how someone who had walked with you (and us) for those three years could do that but he did. You knew he would. We did not know. — Another example of a place where I really wish we had more opportunity to see more of your first-person narrator's thoughts and feelings. I want to know how John felt about the betrayal and in what ways he either struggled with or came to terms with those feelings, or if there are any other places where he looks back on his younger days and sees things in a different light.When they were no longer willing to condemn her, then you told her you would not condemn her either. — Having "when" makes "then" unnecessary. I'd suggest removing it.you walked passed them all unharmed. — past Some soldiers came to break your legs(,) intending to hasten your death(,) but we told them you had already died. One soldier then pierced your side with his sword to prove you were dead. — I suggest adding commas to this sentence. Also, this is another place where I'd really like to see into John's head. that they will believe you are the Christ, the Son of God(,) and believing (that) they would (can/may) have life through your name. — Awkward sentence/listing consistency error. I suggest: they will believe you are the Christ, the Son of God, and that they can have life through your name. In Closing:Final thoughts... This was an interesting and well-written account, and I'm glad I had a chance to read it! Thank you. I know it's on a sensitive topic, but if you feel comfortable dipping your toes into a bit more speculation/fictionalization of John's experiences, I think I'd like to see more of his emotional responses. However, as always, please feel free to take anything in this review that you find helpful and discard the rest. Write On!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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