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 Review #4539948 |
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| (3.5)| Hello Lilliy Loidd 🪔  ,My name is Charlie and I'm reviewing your poem, "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , per your review request. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.   Opening Line & Hook: Any good poem needs a good hook. I think you did well with creating imagery in your first stanza, but the opening line reminds me of those speech tapes that teach you better diction. I don't know if you've ever seen Drag me to Hell , but there's a part in the movie where the main character is repeating, "Good sounds abound when the mouth is round."Looking at the first two lines: Mirrors abound on every sound The narrator is dissociating and every sound causes a fragmented reflection That may slip from the drip Not sure I understand this line. Mirrors that may slip from the drip? I understand the concept of mercury dripping to the ground, but not sure I get the visualization of the imagery you're proposing.  Structure & Flow: The poem starts with an AABB rhyming scheme and changes in the second stanza to ABCB, then back to AABB in the third stanza. I'm not terribly concerned with the rhyming scheme going a totally different direction toward the end of the poem because it does make sense with dissociation that there'd be a change up or 'slipping off' of the rhyming scheme. I'm not sure if it works to go back and forth between rhyming schemes in the first 3 stanzas because it makes it seem like an oversight in stanza two. Poetic Devices: You did keep with the theme of melting mirrors throughout the poem which helped keep the imagery strong. I liked the idea of splashing, drowning, etc. in liquid metal and being corroded into the floor from there. Very cool!   Lasting Impression: I think you did justice to the topic of dissociation here. I've had many "fun" experiences with DPDR myself and you captured the quiet chaos and just the far away unreal feeling of dissociating. I also like the concept of using mirrors as the main form of imagery because no matter how hard someone wants to focus on what's real (AKA what can be seen in a mirror), it's impossible during a dissociative episode. Mechanics & Suggestions: I've given a few suggestions throughout. Here are some things that might be worth a second look: I think you should use some words other than mirror even when describing mirrors throughout the poem. Reflections, echoing images, etc... might be a little more lively and less repetitive A warmth doth touch me, pull me, drag meWeird use of old english here. It isn't present anywhere else in the poem, so I'd just aim to be consistent there. A hand drenchedIn corrosive poison Is attached to my chosen. Not sure if the closing lines are having the intended effect as is. They seem abrupt and unclear to me. Attached to your chosen what...?  Summarization: I dig the poem as a whole. I like the metaphors and imagery you've conjured up to describe the sinking, drowning feeling of dissociation. I think the poem could be a little tighter in a few spots in terms of word choices. There also might be some room for improvement in terms of vagueness. Thanks for requesting a review. I hope it helps.  Best, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 03/28/2020 @ 1:44pm EDT