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 Review #4541798 |
| Hello GeminiGem of House Lannister  ,I'm Charlie ~   and I'm reviewing your item, "Invalid Item"  by A Guest Visitor , as part of "Invalid Item" . The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.   First Impressions: This is a really cute story with simple language that could easily be understood by children. I can definitely see it as a short kid's book with images, especially of the raccoon stealing the grapes at the end. I think the title is great too. It sounds like something the kid's in my family would want to read.Off the cuff, I'm not sure about the pacing of the story. As it stands, it's almost like two separate stories. The first half is the explanation of the characters and what they're doing at the campground. The second half is the meat of the story, but the current pacing makes a lot of the first half seem redundant or not super important. For you and I, of course, there's no problem with reading the background and waiting to get to the action of the story. When I think of my nieces though, I feel like they get bored quickly if there isn't something they're chasing after from beginning to end.  My Favorite Part: I love the idea of telling the story from Mojito's perspective. The banter between Mojito and Sonic is hilarious. I love the minor contempt that Mojito has for Sonic when he thinks: Oh sure, now you chime in.  I feel like kids do like to read things from the perspective of either children their age or animals. Kids are so imaginative and can relate to characters like these very well. Plus, it has the added benefit of comic relief. Suggestions: It would be super cool if there was a lesson in this story. It doesn't have to be some huge parable or anything, but you could bring the missing grapes up earlier and in a more direct way. That would add a level of mystery to the story. Who stole the grapes??  There could even be a lesson in not assuming the worst if Mojito's family accused him or Sonic of stealing the grapes only to realize later that it was the raccoon. It would create a bigger reveal and provide a small lesson that the most obvious culprit of a crime isn't always the real culprit.I know this is based on a true story, so you might not want to deviate from that story too much. But if you feel there's something missing, it might be something worth looking at a bit deeper. Bringing a little bit of drama and action into the first half might make the story more cohesive and 'complete' feeling. It would also make sense because Mojito is trying to be a good boy from the beginning. If he got something pinned on him that he didn't do, there could possibly be more emotional impact. You could still keep it lighthearted, of course. The grammar and all that is good, just a couple typos:  Should be easy to pull of the good boy thing.Off why don’t your take the dogs for a walk.You  Conclusion: Overall, this is a cute children's story. I love the idea of telling it from the perspective of the dogs and using them as the main characters. I do think you could add a little more cohesion and action to the story to bring it to the next level. Thanks for sharing and for your review request.  Best, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/04/2020 @ 1:16pm EDT