Hello Wintersage !

I'm here with "The WDC Angel Army"  for this review. Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions

First impressions- This is a story I heard one the 'Screams!' contest which got me excited to read this. I've read mainly your poetry, and one other story that was dialogue only that was the 'Ouija' story I came across randomly. You hook us well and fast from the start which is awesome. There is a little girl laughing and a spooky mansion... all a good recipe for the creep factor.
Okay, some suggestions for you to tinker with:

that reverberating echo seemed to fill the house from basement to attic with what can only be described as an aged longing, one magnified through time and space as it passed through walls much more recently erected, walls the clock could claim no kinship to.
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In the above part I would take out 'seemed' and have it be 'filled the house.' Seems takes away the punch of the word fill and then it also makes a more passive approach to what you're trying to say. I would also break this one sentence into maybe two. I really love the way you say 'walls the clock could claim no kinship to.'

I would take the dialogue in this story and separate it. So: "“A boys game,” has it's own paragraph to itself. How it reads now it's that the dialogue feels a little jumbled amid the story. I'd also separate and shorten some of the longer sentences.

Things Which I Enjoyed
In my thoughts, it continues it’s unceasing route across my mind.
You have really rich and vivid descriptions in this tale. You do a great job with metaphors and it's all very richly made and interwoven. I liked that we had the look into how that spinning top was made. And why it spinning was not a sense of awe, but fear, for when it might topple over.

Overall Comments
Overall, there's just some smaller things to tidy up in this. I would work on the parts that have more of a passive voice and have it switched to active. Like with the 'seemed' part I pointed at the beginning. This weakens the strength of your description so I'd play with things like that and breaking up some sentences. Plus, giving the dialogue a separate paragraph from when the grandmother is speaking. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .