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Review #4567908
Viewing a review of:
 Pain  [E]
Love and hurt
by Elexis LaFay
Review of Pain  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Elexis LaFay ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Welcome to Writing.com! You have picked a great time to join, with all the birthday celebrations this week.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I was drawn to your poem because I love poetry that expresses emotional vulnerability. And your poem has nailed that. As I first read it, it was clear you are writing from the heart.

Voice/Tone: This is a sad poem, and the narrator's voice sounds so uncertain and hurt. I feel sad for them because someone has caused them a lot of pain. I think it interesting that your third line ends with, "the love I have for you begins to erase." It offers a little hope that the narrator will overcome this hurt.

Mechanics: The poem is free verse, which is my favourite style of poetry. It gives the poet more freedom to express themselves. You have made this work to your advantage. You also have the occasional rhyme which helps to make the poem read smoothly. For example, the first two lines end with "inside" and "mind." Although not exact rhymes, they are enough to give the poem a little zip in its step. I like the difference in line lengths, also. It makes the poem even more interesting.

My Favourite Part: I love the positivity of the last verse. Here, the narrator acknowledges the pain they are feeling, but they also acknowledge they will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. That's a good message.

Suggestions: I like the different line lengths. I do. But I would break up the third line and put, "the love I have for you begins to erase" on a line on its own. It would make it stand out more. I'm also not sure about the first two lines of the second verse. Some of your word choices (puzzle, trying, together) make the rhythm a little off. Plus, they detract a little from the poeticism. Just a little.

This is a well-written, emotional poem. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope to read more of your work in the future!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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