%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4569772 |
 | ALEX MAKES A NEW FRIEND  [E] A story about 4 yr old Alexandra who meets and makes a fuzzy friend.  |
| (3.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Hello Tema ,I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "ALEX MAKES A NEW FRIEND" by Tema , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.   General Thoughts: This is a cute short story snippet into Alex's life. I felt scared for her and Fuzzy when Mark came around, knowing that he might hurt her little friend if he found it. My favorite part of the story was Alex telling Fuzzy not to move so she could count its legs. I thought that was age appropriate for a 4 year old and added to the innocence of her character.Of course the climax of the story is Alex being quick enough to hide Fuzzy in her hat and then take it to the far edge of the park so it can safely escape. It had to end on a positive note, being a kids story and all!  Suggestions: I think there are a couple things to consider in this story: The parts that are in parentheses are not needed and almost break a fourth wall. (which is pretty hard for a 4 year old) is good info to have on the character, but putting it in parentheses makes it almost look like an author note rather than part of the story. The "A-l-e-x" part followed by the "O-o-o-h" part is weird. The first one makes it look like he's spelling out her name. The second one makes it look like she's stuttering. If you want to have him call her name in a sing-song voice, I'd do "Aleeeeeexxx" or something like that to indicate that he's stretching her name out in that way. I don't think him spelling her name out makes much sense. For most of the story, you did a good job of showing rather than telling, except when it comes to the characterization of Mark. I think his character might be built a lot more naturally if you don't tell the reader what to think about Mark. You don't need to say that he's a bully before we even meet him. Let Alex's trepidation and response to him lead the readers to that conclusion on their own. Conclusion: Overall, I thought this story was cute and interesting. A lot of kids with older siblings would likely relate. There are a couple grammatical/stylistic choices that might need an edit, and I think it's important to trust your readers to draw accurate conclusions without directly telling them what to conclude. Either way, welcome back to the site and thanks for sharing with us. Let me know if you need anything.Best, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/13/2020 @ 4:08pm EDT