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Review #4569789
Viewing a review of:
 Childhood   [E]
Some hope in the middle of bad feelings for those who are feeling hopeless
by Pure
Review of Childhood  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hello Pure ,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Childhood "   by Pure , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away. *Wink*

*Icecream* General Thoughts: It's super important in difficult times to be able to reminisce on the past and remember the good times. I have a thing where I think about better times, keeping in mind that if I had those good times before, I can have them again in the future. It seems like a healthy enough grounding technique for me.

I like to think that you're talking about something similar in your poem- metaphorically traveling back in time to nowhere and experiencing those good times again. I thought the imagery throughout was very bright and optimistic.

*Icecreamb* Suggestions: This poem falls into a trap that I often see with rhymed poetry where there words seem to be built around the need to rhyme rather than the most poetic word choices themselves. It especially hits toward the end of the poem with high/fly/by, be/sea/tree/free/be, etc.

It's not in rhythm with the rest of the poem and seems to lean heavily on just making sure it can rhyme as much as possible.

I also don't think the closing lines are strong as they could be:
Where dreams become true
Where moon light went through

"Went" is pretty weak verb. Maybe something like "shone" would be a bit stronger. Moonlight should just be one word.

*Icecreamv* Conclusion: Overall, I like the concept of this poem more than I enjoyed the execution of it. I think the nostalgia of focusing on the past can be inspirational, just make sure you don't get lost in trying to rhyme. If you choose to edit, check out the rhythm and where it goes off the rails a bit toward the end. Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your writing with us. Let me know if you need anything.

Best,

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