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Review #4572174
Viewing a review of:
 CALLOUS  [E]
MAMA TEBY A GRANDMOTHER, A MATRIARCH
by Elaine Pitts
Review of CALLOUS  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This poem "CALLOUS" is inspirational and a great tribute to a grandmother with love of Christianity shared. You demonstrate well how this one who lived by the bible set an example for a child who lost their way and were able to find their way back. It's truly endearing.

Ouch! ALL CAPS?? *Laugh* Kind of hard on the eyes. Caps are a clever way for poets to intone message in a poem. If there is a poem that uses all Uppercase letters, it's to imply shouting. I would think that was not the intent here, unfortunate that it detracts from a lovely message.

When I see that people rate this five stars already, it concerns me that you are being flattered and not given true, constructive feedback (assuming that aside from sharing your words, you'd like to improve as a writer). A perfect poem is a publishable poem. There is work to do after applying Upper and lower case to convey this poetic offering.

I'm sorry, I have to type below so I can see it the way that is best to consume:

Callouses

Callouses on her hands
Just as many on her knees
From all the lonely, sleepless nights
She's knelt to pray for me
The love that has always shown through
Faith that was even bigger yet
Was the very thing along the way
That lit my way to "you"
She was the vehicle that you used
To bring a lost girl home again
From the world I was drowning in
Into your loving arms
The many times I heard her read
Or a bible story tell
The things of you she freely shared.
In faith that could not fail

My first thoughts are to remove passive language. "that was" does take away from those direct statements that could impact the read, so...

Her love has always shown through
Faith even bigger yet

Of course, the editing process removes something and reconfigures lines to shorter expressions that could sparkle with strong verbs to pair with nouns. Something to consider. You change, how and if you want.

I liked the opening four lines because of imagery and scene setting for these what's being unveiled. I question callouses on hands from praying. I do like the image of a worn woman who prays despite the callouses. It implies hard, dirty, or servile work. It sets up as devotion to something, a sort of selflessness about her.

What you reveal is so relatable to readers than I'm sure you'll have an audience despite the flaws. Just a few words to help you, if you should edit.

Brian

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I think you meant to title this Callouses? Not Callous. Very different.


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