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 Review #4572359 |
 | Calysta Potter chapter one  [E] Harry Potter has a twin sister, come join Calysta Potter on her journey.  |
| (3.5)  Greetings, Leslie! I am reviewing this because I am part of "Invalid Item" .  I chose your item because it has the Harry Potter theme.  First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.What I Liked  First of all, I love the concept of Harry Potter having a twin sister (Calysta, though known before as Rosabella Cullen (who comes from the Twilight series.)) It's a new twist I haven't heard yet and would love to read more about! The story reads along easily and I want it to continue.  To be honest, I've never thought about writing FanFiction nor have I read much of it until a few months ago when challenged through a WDC Official Contest. I chose The Wizard of Oz and found I enjoyed writing a new twist to a popular tale. It was fun! So I've opened my mind to it now, and you've definitely got a knack for it with this idea of Harry Potter meeting his twin sister. My favorite lines: I walked onto the scarlet train, nerves racking my body. I was going to meet my brother for the first time in eleven years. I can easily visualize Calysta anxiously boarding the train, all in aflutter to meet her brother. I also really like a smile curling at my lips. Great visual!Suggestions to Consider Let's get those silly little typos out of the way first: Paragraph 1: now its Calysta  now it's Calysta its should be a contraction here, representing it is. Paragraph 1: the chose one the chosen one Paragraph 2: My eyes widen as I took in the appearance My eyes widened as I took in the appearance You've switched to present tense here and then went back to past tense. Easy to do! Paragraph 3: He stood up rather slowly, recognition in his eyes, did he recognize me? He stood up rather slowly, acknowledgement in his eyes. Did he recognize me? So as not to be repetitive, consider replacing recognition/recognize with something similar. Also, splitting the sentence into two sentences is something to consider. Paragraph 3: He whispered astonished he whispered, astonished Paragraph 3: He engulfed me in a tight embrace, he smelled of the earth, the scent was very comforting. He engulfed me in a tight embrace, smelling of the earth. The scent was very comforting. Please consider breaking this run-on sentence up a bit. This is one example for you to consider. Paragraph 3 I had almost forgotten he was here, my brother and I pulled apart, we were both smiling widely. I had almost forgotten my brother was here. I pulled apart and we were both smiled widely. Another run-on sentence to consider changing. Paragraph 3: Calysta meet my new friend Calysta, meet my new friend When addressing someone, always add a comma after the name. Final Thoughts I'd love to see you continue with this! You've grabbed this reader and she wants to read more! And please don't be discouraged with the above suggestions, as they are just technicalities. It's the story idea itself that is important and you have a great start! Also, if you decide to go back and edit those typos, let me know and I'll change the rating. Write on!Have a great day and... K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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