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Review #4579691
Viewing a review of:
 I Love You No Matter What - Chapter 1-10  [13+]
A novel of a high school girl facing emotional abandonment, tragedy, love and forgiveness.
by Highcountryauthor
Review by runoffscribe
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
runoffscribe's

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tyle Review of Highcountryauthor's "I Love You No Matter what", exc.


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his is a manuscript with a lot of good work in it. It deserves a fine polish.
         That part of the publishing market labeled Young Adult, or "YA", has proven to appeal to an audience much more broad than the the age range of thirteen to seventeen. Take a glance at the readership buying Harry Potter. Written decades ago, the controversial Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret has achieved the status of literature.
         The YA writer walks a fine line on the border of an adult outlook relatable within responsible limits to a young mind. Being a grown man, I would not trespass on the dilemmas a young girl faces at the precipice of womanhood. I do not militate strictly against the attempt. I do say, watch for landmines. Remember the hoorah following the innocently defiant kiss Leia slapped on Luke.
         This manuscript has a lot of good work in it. We can move on to advanced technique. It is said that short sentences are best. Better, though, is sentence variety.

Lisa Taylor's heart raced. Leaning far forward, she perched high in the shadowed ranks of the bleachers. Dad, if only you could be here ...

         Let me count the ways. Start with a sentence that is short and declarative. Show by her chosen vantage, and her posture, that she would just as soon go unnoticed if she is to be disappointed, and that she is very much on edge. Express her internal voice to put us in her head and expose, first and as tentative, her core motivation. Inner voice is formatted in italics. There is no need to tag the monologue (e.g, "she thought").
         That is a lot of technique for one short paragraph. Beyond this, I am not calling for the writer to rip his work to shreds and rewrite it end to end to emulate my voice. This is a dense example of methods to be called upon as the writer sees fit throughout the draft.
         The pace of this sample may be too high. Pace emerges from a wide range of craft elements: sentence length; choice of verb over noun; expression of the protagonist's inner voice; more. At that, this is an opening paragraph. Set the hook, and set it deep.
         The dialogue herein is well-founded in the distinction of each character voice. Kate sounds like a caring mom, the coach sounds like a practical coach and Dan sounds like a disconnected dad -- all characteristic and clearly audible. Better yet, each character interacts with each other character in ways that clearly delineate relationship from relationship. Plot and character development through dialogue gets my respect.
         The more fluid the dialogue, the better.

"Can't you be a little more supportive than that Dan?"

         This strikes me as stilted. Consider something understated.

"You could've lent her a little more support, Dan."

         This also conveys character. Married couples learn to sometimes confront each other gently.
         I am no fan of the galley slaves, the different programs in the vein of Grammarly. They lack a certain flexibility. Still, one such can save a writer a lot of time. It would catch the misplaced close quote in Chapter Two, and the many commas placed in odd spots.
         If not for Strunk & White, I would first consider ProWritingAid. It allows the writer to compile a list of words set aside. No galley slave has a truly nuanced vocabulary.
         A last trivial note. Try this syntax:

{dropcap}{/dropcap}

This is the result:

L

isa Taylor's heart raced ...


Embed tags for an italic, but add a linespace to prevent the dropcap from colliding with the following character:

T


his way.

Strictly speaking, that's not a dropped capital letter. The street finds its own uses for things.
         Live long and publish, Highcountryauthor.
         For notes on formatting, spelling and punctuation: "Note: I have begun to write boilerplate language in..."
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/27/2020 @ 9:40am EDT
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