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 Review #4606961 |
| Greetings hbk16! I am sending you a review of your story, "Invalid Item"  . This review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you. WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: This is for the official WdC contest "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . TITLE: I think what you were going for was simply, "Motorcycle Race". I realize there are more than one motorcycles in the race, but that is the correct way to term a race with motorcycles. Having said that, I would like to point out that although correct and relevant, that is not an interesting or memorable title. You should use your title to help draw your reader into the story.  CONFLICT/STORYLINE: I did not understand the relationship of the motorcycle race and the political race. I did not see that Brian's rival, Charles, was in the motorcycle race, yet somehow he faked the results of the race? Who was supposed to be the fake winner? CHARACTERS: You mention that Brian is a champion motorcycle racer and a brilliant architect as if those two things would be impossible to be embodied in the same person. I do not have much knowledge of the motorcycle racing world, but other than being a casual racer, it would be hard to have a full-time career as an architect, a motorcycle racer, and a politician. I do not think the challenge is the intellect of the person, but the amount of time each profession would take.Maybe I am misunderstanding what you are implying by mentioning these characteristics. DIALOG: The dialog is stilted and feels unnatural. This stems from the fact that you are not writing in your first language, something that must be very difficult to do. I think with a bit more practice you will find it will come more easily. I commend you for attempting something so challenging!Watch your punctuation with dialog. Here are some examples with explanation and corrected version below: "Hi! Brian; you did a great job", George says.  No semi-colon after Brian, use a comma. The comma you have after the closing quotation marks needs to before them."Hi! George,You are the second and this is a big score", Brian replies. Do not capitalize "you" since it follows a comma. Use the past tense since the action already happened. Again, the comma after the closing quotation marks needs to be before the closing quotation marks."I am the third but I am proud", Conrad replies. Same thing with the comma here. Also, use "said" instead of "replied" in this dialog tag. A better way to word this would be, "I came in third, but I am proud of that.""What's the matter with this noise?" Brian asks Question mark is correct, but you missed a period after the dialog tag. Also, I think you meant "what is that noise"."Some drones and helicopters are recording the race with cameras"? George replies You need a period for this sentence, not a question mark, and it should be before the ending quotation marks. You need a period at the end of the dialog tag.Corrected version: "Hi! Brian, you did a great job." George says. "Hi! George, you were in second place and this is a big score," Brian replies. "I came in third but I am proud of that," Conrad said. "What is that noise?" Brian asks. "Some drones and helicopters are recording the race with cameras." George replies.  OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thank you for entering the contest! 
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You responded to this review 04/22/2021 @ 10:05am EDT