*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4617493
Review #4617493
Viewing a review of:
 
Wanting to give up  [E]
When you start to live in depression
by Shubh
Review by Vaishali
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello Shubh


I am reviewing your poem 'Wanting To Give Up'. I will give my views and opinions but remember this is your poem and I am not an expert reviewer.

Title:
The title 'Wanting To Give Up' delivers the message inside. Suitable and apt.

Rhyme and Flow:
Your poem has a good rhyming scheme of aaaa. The flow is also engaging. I would suggest to make the length of lines in a Stanza equal because it interupts the flow. Check it by reading your poem aloud.

Imagery and Emotions:
The poem has a good sense of imagery of Shadow and light. The details are also well written. I liked the transition or a sad, dejected self to a hopeful person.

My Favourite Line:
"For I told you, your journey has just begun"

In-Depth Review:

When the sun makes you burn
When the shadows give you no fun
[shadow gives]
When the rain hides the water down your cheeks that run
[This is a long sentence interrupting the flow. Here's an alternative- "When the rain hides your tears that run."]
Let me tell you,the journey has just begun.

When the heavens send you down,
[Heavens (H must be capitalized)]
Taking away your rightful crown
When the hells do but frown
Because you are too good to be down.
[These last two lines are enthralling. So thoughtfully written!]

You are helpless,having no friend,
[helpless, having (space after comma)]
Remembering the words “Our friendship shall never end”
[make this shorter for the flow.]
Broken shards of brain you mend,
Thinking of giving up, cause that’s the end.
[If you are telling this to the read then last line should be like- "You think to give up, cause that's the end"]

Raise your head, you are it.
They sent you down with a wit
For every little pain you felt
Is the proof that in the strong fire too,
Your goodness never melts.
[I appreciate this stanza. Though it has lost its rhyme scheme but it has weightage in words. Well done!]

Yes,you were right,
Say it with all your might;
Your war is too long too be called a fight,
[too long to maintain the flow. Suggestion- "Your war is too long to be a fight"]
And the angels stand by your side


For the dark shadows you are the sun
[dark shadows, you are (you missed a comma]
For the little innocent fireflies you are the one
["For the fireflies, you are the one"]
Do not give up, that’s what you have to go for
You are the weapon against the evil that need more.
[Overall this stanza has a very good transition. You engulfed confidence in the readers.]

You are special, you haven’t been told yet
Cause that gong of clock you haven’t met.
Your pain has been taken, now rerun ,
[no space between rerun and comma]
For I told you, your journey has just begun
[As I have told you earlier, my favourite stanza!]

Remember, this is only my views and thoughts. It is your original piece. Overall a well written piece. I enjoyed reading this. Write on!

Reviewed by,
Lurie Park
How's this one?

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/03/2021 @ 3:55am EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4617493