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Review #4649527
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Hallo, Lyn!

First off, I'm really glad the image inspired you to write something. From the moment I stumbled upon it, I felt the same impact of the woman's expression and the haunting story her eyes told. If I wasn't so swamped with real life obligations, goodness knows I'd sit down and try to churn out something too.

With that said, I was pleasantly surprised to see your take on this, as for whatever reason, my mind did not even go to the story of Herod and his massacre of the children in the Bible. It could very well be the story behind the artist's decision to paint this! So kudos on bringing it to life with your words.

You set things up almost 'quietly'; a simple typical day in a woman's life and her obvious love and affection for her child. Bring in the chattering neighbors/friends, and it could be no different from any other present day situation for a stay-at-home mom. However, you introduce the mystery of 'the star', and the reader is immediately drawn into the Biblical reference and can now, perhaps, mentally prepare for what's to come.

This still does not lessen the fear and horror of what does happen, as you do a great job slowing weaving those seeds into the reader with the appearance of Rachel's husband and his ominous warning/fear/concern. You find yourself almost screaming at Rachel to find a better hiding place, but in such panic and chaos, what can a desperate mother do? There is no time to plead or negotiate with the soldier and the swift but terrible end should leave everyone grieving just as the mother does.

Now all that aside, you did ask for me to point out whatever needed fixing, so these pointers below are just my humble suggestions. You are welcome to use or discard them as you please:

>>A veteran writer once warned me about the use of the word 'had' and not allowing it to clutter my story (trust me, I was addicted to it). In this sentence below:

He had finally gotten comfortable and fell asleep, Hannah had decided to just stay up.

I think we could make it a little less cumbersome. Consider,

He had finally gotten comfortable and fallen asleep; a reason for her to just stay up.

>>She loved to look at him, and just watch him.
Seemed like you were just stating the same thing - looking/watching.
She loved to watch him. - would be just as effective.

>>"I can stop for a short time, *Cut* I'm on my way to buy some fish at the market;
(two sentences)

>>Naomi made beautiful clothing and Hannah was sure this blanket would be very special.(")
(missing the closing dialogue quotation marks there)

>>they all laughed together.
(that should be a start of a new sentence)

>>"born the king of the Jews." "My cousin, who works
(delete extra dialogue quotation mark there in red)

>>She stopped suddenly, standing and looking at him for the usual jovial manner and bright smile were missing from his face. She suddenly became very concerned.

Perhaps consider,

She stopped suddenly; for the usual jovial manner and bright smile were missing from his face. This was a cause for concern. OR She became very concerned.

>>"You there, what are you doing, what do you have there?" the soldier demanded.
"You there! What are you doing? What do you have there?" the soldier demanded.

>>"Move aside, what are you hiding?"
"Move aside! What are you hiding?"

(This is a tension-filled scene, and I don't want to lose that sense of urgency in the soldier's demands. That's why those punctuation marks are important.)

>>As details came out, it appears (appeared) the Magi, being warned by God in a dream

If you wish to see more about my corrections you can check out "A Guide to Punctuation" 

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Overall, I truly enjoyed reading your take on the image, and your notes at the end give it even more context. Poignant and thought-provoking indeed.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, and I hope you keep on writing! *Smile*




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