*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4650268
Review #4650268
Viewing a review of:
 
The Last Date  [E]
A chance meeting during a blizzard has two people sharing an experience of love and death.
by J.R. PETE
Review of The Last Date  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi J.R. PETE,

I am happy to be revisiting your story, "The Last Date" , on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: As you know, I really enjoyed your original story. There were just a few things I felt needed looking at. Well, this revised version is even better! The story fits together more coherently, and you really tugged on every one of my heartstrings. The ending in the hospital is just amazing.

Plot: A car driver picks up an elderly lady on a cold, wintry night. She is wearing only her nightdress, and she carries a quilt. The story of the quilt is such a clever idea. It represents this lady's family. Every member has a square of material dedicated to them. Their death dates are included on their squares. This woman is the only family member left. I love the idea of this chance meeting, especially when we consider how much it changed the driver's life. It changed the old lady's life, too, for a short while. The couple bond almost instantly, and that is lovely to read. The driver knows they must help the lady, and she is happy sharing her life story with this stranger. Although, as she has Alzheimer's disease, I guess it could be true that everyone was a stranger to her. Not those on the quilt, though. The lady is really living in the past with her lost loved ones. It's so well written.

Characters: The bond that grows between the two is beautiful. I love how the driver refuses to leave the hospital until they have seen the woman. The old lady is such an interesting character. It is impossible to not be affected by her story. I liked how you mentioned getting an interpreter for the driver in the hospital this time round. So we know straight away that there is some kind of language barrier there. The receptionist's behaviour is much better explained, also. She came off as a little rude in your previous version. But, not in this one. It all makes sense, and her behaviour is fine.

Grammar: There are still a few issues here. Firstly, you have symbols throughout at the starts of sentences, and sometimes at the end. I'm not sure if you were using them to separate paragraphs or sentences, but it looks like you've forgotten to take them out. Also, I have a few things I think need changing:

*Starv* " ...limp down the side of the street around dusk It was snowing ..." - You have taken out the comma, which is good. But you need to add the period after dusk.
*Starv* "I caught more glimpses of the quilt and her expressions." - I've noted the amendments needed here in bold font.
*Starv* " ... and into a small Admissions room with compute and a telephone." - It should be computer.
*Starv* " ...I paid more attention and made sure the cup landed correctly and the in line for the dispenser." - I would cut "and the."

What I liked: So much! The story is heartfelt. Your two main characters are both memorable, and I love the way a lady with Alzheimer's and a person who is deaf form such a unique bond. I love how Sophia trusts the driver so easily. The quilt, I think I said before, I wish I could sew because I love this idea. A family tree in a quilt. I love how the lady feels the people through their individual squares. There is a place where the narrator thinks, " I felt she was unaware I was with her; as if she was with the people within the quilt." That's great! It is like this quilt is her own, unique photo album of memories. There is also a place at the end of the story that really made me well up: "Feeling isolated is something no one should experience." I think this is what bonds your two characters so well. They are both adrift from other people in some way. And isolation is, all too often, the result of that. Finally, I adored the part at the end where you mentioned Sophia's memories had taken her home. That's such a lovely thought. It reminded me of my own Mum when she passed away. I know she felt she was returning to my Dad. I'm pretty sure she actually saw him in her last moments because she smiled right before she died. So, yeah. I really connected to this story. Oh, I almost forgot. While I mentioned the typo in the part about the coffee machine, the actual idea of that, I thought was brilliant. Who can't relate to having done that before? I felt it made the story all-the-more relatable.

I would have given this a 5 *Star* rating if not for the typos. The story itself, the characters, the emotions ... All of those got a great, big five. It was just the tiny errors that meant I couldn't say it is completely perfect. I think you have done some great work revising this. I really enjoyed it.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4650268