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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4656362
Review #4656362
Viewing a review of:
Gervic's Poetic Explorations  [13+]
A book to house all my Poetic Explorations
by GERVIC 🐉 WDC Dragon Vale
         Review for entry/chapter: "A Mother's Lament
Review by Bunny Sox
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is such a sad poem. There are a couple of places the wording doesn't quite flow.

The first line "This cradle that I once put you to sleep" doesn't seem like a complete thought I would word it "The cradle were I once put you to sleep."

I think that "It must've been me and not you, my little baby." should be "It should've been me and not you, my little baby." It seems to flow better.

I would reword "At how beautiful the world's expanse." to "At the world's beautiful expanse."

With this "You laugh at each tickle, every time you spill his cup." did you mean "your cup"?

One final note in a poem like this I would put the author's note in a dropnote so as not to clutter up the poem.







   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/30/2022 @ 8:33pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4656362