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The continuing saga of social distancing, masks, gloves, TP and yeast ...
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Hello folks! Welcome to month number two of “grounded.” Yup America for the most part has been essentially sent to its room for what appears at this point to be indefinitely. And no, I don’t buy the cozy, cuddly euphemism “shelter in place.” Shelter equals a “safe” word, not very scary, something for one’s own benefit. I don’t know about you when you were growing up, but being grounded was the worst punishment we could get. We couldn’t be outdoors with our friends and there was no internet to turn to at the time to fill in the lonely hours.
Down here at the Southern Command center, I sit here trying to plan my escape route so that I’ll be able to get up to my Northern Command Center next month. I don’t even know if I can discuss escaping publicly. After all, people in some places are being encouraged to fink on their neighbors if they suspect there’s a get together at a neighbor’s back yard. Yup, I said “fink.” It’s an old-time word we used as children against another friend of the hood who ran home and told their mommy or grandma that one of us shoved, hit, swore at or cut the other out of a game we were playing. That is what a fink meant to us. Should the offender do it more than once or twice, that said offender became a rat fink. Of course it didn’t stop there, no! We had a superlative use of “fink” a dirty rat fink followed by the super-superlative a dirty no good for nothing rat fink! Well, you get the idea.  I’ve heard that cookouts with greater than ten relatives in one’s yard were visited by local sheriff’s deputies or city police in their area and made to break it up or get fined, arrested, and, or six months in the electric chair was heard by one of the guests.
However, there are some very positive things that have come out of all this sheltering at home. My home has never been cleaner. In fact, it’s so clean and sterile, I really don’t feel I should live here out of fear of putting something now tidy and in place, out of place. My floors shine, my carpets are spotless. My Roomba has never worked so hard! I spend hours sterilizing and germiciding counters, door handles, wastebaskets … Oh, wait, I do that anyway – germaphobe ya know.  But this is different and more urgent during these times of germ-hysteria. When I get mail, it is disinfected before I open it and then disinfected once it is opened. All UPS or USPS deliveries left at my door get the same treatment. Bleach has become my friend around the kitchen and bath area. In fact, the new designer scent in my home is not a Yankee Candle, it is Eau de Clorox.
The highlight of my week is a trip to the local supermarket where I can stand behind a line of blue tape, set at six feet apart so no one gets too close and wait for my turn at the meat counter. The other place that was my happy place was a recent trip to a Lowes to buy mulch and and a couple garden lights and plants. My front and back flower beds look fantastic. In fact the whole community got the same idea because their yards are getting more colorful and neatly manicured around their flower beds.
I’m also very relieved that liquor stores are considered “essential.” My friend called me and asked how I was doing under house arrest. She only lives 10 houses down from me, but we are doing our sheltering in place. I told her I was doing fine and trying to keep from going stir crazy. She feels the same way. She said all she does is shop and cook, because we all know that grocery stores are essential and therefore we can’t catch the virus in an essential place. Never one to let a good excuse for a cocktail go by, I told her I was quitting Margaritas and changing to vodka and tonic because tonic has quinine in it. Then she said to me, “WebWitch, I heard tonic water is bad for your liver.” Is that just my liver or everybody’s liver? “Oh, Paula, I didn’t hear anything about that. Well, more vodka and less tonic, then.”  She agreed that’s the way to do it.
Others are doing their best to get outside and walk to get their mail just for the exercise. Our beaches are closed, no clubhouse activities or swimming pool. If we happen to see friends on the walk, we talk at a decent distance, and are elated just to have human interaction outside a grocery store that are not wearing face masks. Actually, all those mask wearers going into convenience stores must scare the beegeebers out of the clerks. Usually a masked person wearing glasses walking into a convenience store is there to rob the joint not buy milk and Oreos. But we are living in very strange times.
Of course there seems to be an exponential boost of panic shopping and hoarding. My neighbor asked me if I had any yeast to spare. I had plenty on hand and gave her some. She told me all the local stores were out of yeast. I thought about that when she left. I know that when there's a blizzard or hurricane coming everyone runs to the stores to buy milk, bread, eggs and butter. I often wondered why during storms where the power is most likely to fail, people all get a sudden urge to make French Toast. I guess the whole yeast issue has to do with the desire to bake bread when there's a pandemic. My curiosity got to me so I checked to see if this was just a local thing or wider spread. I went on Amazon to see if I could order yeast. I saw "Currently Unavailable" page after page. Or the ability to get it from a third party seller at quadruple the price of yeast at a grocery store -- sometime in late May! As I flipped through the pages I saw that we could still get yeast -- from China. Yeah, well that's not going to get to the American kitchen anytime soon. But the other question I had was why do they need to bake their own bread when the grocery stores still have plenty?
Yup, I think we are nearing the time where the zombies will be taking over. It must be so – I saw the official Zombie Outbreak Patrol Car in an essential parking lot.
That’s all she disinfected for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter!
Until next time—laugh hard, laugh often and keep your zombie disinfectant spray close!
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willwilcox
I'm not sure about all this toilet paper hoarding, but we are being told to wash our hands a lot. Maybe they ought to tell people to start washing their ass.
  Now that's getting right to the point, Bill!
SB Musing 
MMMM, yes, the dreaded bathroom! And, I personally only like to be touched by my closest friends. Panic buying is totally a thing, thank you for the newsletter!
Yup, the bathroom thing and used books. Just can't get past that. 
Panic buying seems to be hitting new heights as each week passes. Hopefully you've got a good supply of bacon! 
Quick-Quill 
I think this was an great NL. I and my husband have been laid off due to an over reactive boss. Here we are home. I have to listen to the rhetoric 24/7 well I go to bed and put ear plugs in so I don't have to see it or hear it. Then I get the constant commentary. We made a budget and my sister who has been off work for a year is moving to the house my parents owned near the beach. I think I may have to share the house with her if things get worse. Its in poor shape but we can save money and use that to fix it up.
So many folks are being furloughed. It's a terrible situation for families. Thank goodness you have an option should this madness continue. Plus, living near the beach can't be all that bad. 
papadoc1
As usual, another "classic" release from the pen and ink of Lady Webwitch!
Hope this saga is OVER soon, what with all this howling at the moon involving things that have not mutated since the times of Noah and his Ark! That said, carry on!
Dr J
Thank you, Dr. J. I agree, it's time to get our country back to normal and free its citizens so they can go back to work. 
tj ~ endeavors to persevere! 
And a bit more humor, when in public and people are being rude and obnoxious, fake a good dry cough and watch how quickly they exit the area!
Oh, yeah, that would do it. Unfortunately these days someone may call the authorities to remove an infectious person from their space. Peeps are even turning in their neighbors if they think there are too many guests at one house. Bazaar times, indeed! 
Thank you for your feedback folks. It's appreciated!
See you next time.
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Comedy: April 15, 2020 Issue [#10116]
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